Day Ten- Default Dinner

Day 10 – A photo of your favorite place to eat.

Steak in Shake isn't my favorite place, but rather my default place to eat. And they have Caramel Apple shakes right now. YUM!!!!

And this isn't a picture of the restaurant. Deal with it.

Day Nine- Cranking Amps

Day 9 – A photo of the item you last purchased.
Morning person on a night shift + LemonLime 5 Hour Energy = Survival.

Day Eight- "Afraid"

Day 8 – A song to match your mood.



"Afraid"
(feat. Attitude)

What they say what they say what they say

You speak out all you feel is defiance
All you need is some self-reliance
Cause this world is gonna always try us
And all you wanted was to run for cover
Well here's looking to yourself and no other
We're all searching for that special something
And we keep on running

We all have the choice to take the lead or follow
I want to feel the light shine on me

You're so afraid of what people might say
But that's okay cause you're only human
You're so afraid of what people might say
But that's okay you'll soon get strong enough
You're so afraid of what people might say
But that's okay cause you're only human
You're so afraid of what people might say
You're going to break
So please don't do it

You wanna spread your wings but you're not sure
Don't wanna leave your comforts
Wanna find a cure
We're afraid of who we see in the mirror
We wanna let go but it feels too pure
Who wants to be alone in this world
You look around and all you see is hurt
But the light it always finds us
If we move with a little trust

A diamond don't define what shine is
I don't need a Rolex to know what the time is
You got your let me find what mine is
I'm a survivor look how strong my mind is
I stand on my own it's all me
Regardless of whatever they call me

I'm a leader not a follower
And I'd rather be paid and popular
Ride homie get your dollars up
We're in the belly of the beast that already swallowed us

Day Seven- Working & Weddings: Both Dreadful Things

First, today I start my job with Expedia! I haven't worked full time since 2006, but since I took school off this semester, hopefully it will be an easy transition.

Day 7 – Your dream wedding.

My perfect wedding? Well I have already have had a great wedding. And I wouldn't change anything just for nostalgia factor. Hindsight, I am so, so, so glad I don't EVER have to plan a wedding again unless a worse case scenario occurs.

I hate wedding planning so much, I am not even going to dream about what could have been to make it a perfect wedding, but rather I am just going to snicker and laugh for all those planning one and be thankful I am done! Ha! Suckers!

Day Six- Creep Factor

Day 6 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.Maybe I am weird, but I adore snakes. No, I LOVE snakes. The non-poisonous kinds. Our animals now are just making the house explode with too much furry cuteness. But snakes are expensive because of the feeder creatures, the cost to run heat lamps, cage enclosures, and such. Hence why we don't have one. Besides, I have a bunny that probably wouldn't appreciate that new addition.

Sad. Though some day we will have yard apes (children). A massive rabbit and two dogs will have to do for now.

Day Five- It Feels Like A Dream

Day 5 – A photo of yourself two years ago.

That is me at my 21st birthday. Pssshh, but now I am a big, bad 23 year old. But admittedly, while our lives have changed significantly, this picture isn't much different than one that would be taken now. I still have the same goofy smile, Addie is trying to eat my possessions, and Poodle (Ryan) and Joe are retarded as ever. I am glad some things never change.

Day Four- Are You Okay?

Day 4 – Your favorite photograph of your best friend.

I don't know if I would say this is my favorite photo of Derrick, but because we have so many of him I don't have the will power to look through them all and we have a too-hard-to-operate camera so a lot of pictures aren't so clear as this one.

This is from our honeymoon in Mexico. For those who know me well, you know I am afraid of horses. For those who don't know me you now know an embarrassing fact. Well due to my fear, all along our horseback journey on the beach Derrick had to keep turning around and make sure I wasn't going to have a heart attack on my old, dumpy, slow horse!

Day Three- Its Not Love Unless You're Screaming

Day 3 – Your idea of the perfect first date.

This would be idea of perfect first date. Of course I will never have one of those so I just have to revel in it.

Most people want a walk on the beach or a romantic carriage ride. Not me. I want an amusement park. I would want my date to ride all the rides with me screaming and laughing the whole time. Then we would eat a pile of ribs and get our faces all messy. To me that sounds like a perfect day.
Of course it is hilarious because I married Derrick who is afraid of most rides and the ones he does get on he gets really sick. Bummer.

Oh well, I have the artsy man who takes me to symphonies, ballets, art shows and musicals. Which I love all those things. But now it only happens because of my prompting since as a typical husband he doesn't plan dates anymore (unless it is going to artwalk, which I get bored of month after month). Is that some guy code? Once you are married do the guys make a pact to stop being creative, not plan anything anymore and not want to take their wife on dates?

Day Two- Yummy in My Tummy

Day 2 – A photo of something you ate today.

I LOVE leftovers! They are the gift that keeps on giving and every starving college students desire.

This is from my birthday dinner at Ruby Tuesday last night. I demolished the lobster tail and asparagus last night, but had left over steak, brown-rice pilaf, garlic biscuit and swiped the remains of Grizzly Bear's (dad's nickname I gave him years ago) hamburger. Yum!

Day One- Birthday Bash

Day 1 – A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.

So I already failed getting my blog written for the FIRST day! Ahhh, so typicial of me.

Here is one the photo from my birthday yesterday (which I am counting as my day one)! That is me and my cheeseball I call a husband.

As for my birthday day, it went really well.

I woke up and worked out with Chauncie. Of course her twins felt the need to be held so we both ended up with a baby weight during our dance work out. I was bouncing around so much I thought poor Ileah was goign to puke on me.

Then Jeni surprised me and took me TGIF Fridays for lunch. It meant a lot to me and was so sweet of her to do. But even more awesome is she let me bum at her house until a church meeting. During that time we watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Yeah, we are THAT awesome.

At 6:00PM I had a stake meeting for the Nativity that was quite long. I felt bad since I had to actually excuse myself after an hour and fifteen minutes with no end in sight because I had to make it to the dinner reservations.

At Ruby Tuesday most of us ate the lobster and steak special, opened presents, and bantered each other. Thank you Dad, Karla, Samantha, Amber, Laura (her bday was also yesterday!), and of course, Derrick.

Lastly, Amber, Laura, Derrick and I played a heated game of Apples to Apples with the new expansion pack thanks to Van. And of course, I wiped the floor with them and won;).

Feelings: A Thought

Feelings are a biological function. We have very little control over what we feel. As humans with a conscious awareness of our feelings it astonishing we don't have better handle of them.

Some people might disagree with the idea that we have little naturally controlled feelings. They may argue something like "but our SPIRIT has perfect feelings and it dictates us." Well that isn't so. If our spirit has perfect feelings why did a third of the hosts of Heaven still rebel against God's plan from when before we had a physical body? If our Spirit was perfect why did we have to come to this earth to learn and grow? Why is there still violence and hatred in our world if we have a perfect compass within us?

Our Spirits, while often giving good guidance, are as imperfect as we are; they are imperfect because they are a part of us. But Heavenly Father didn't leave us out in the cold always fighting off the "natural man" if you will. He gave us the Holy Ghost and the Atonement of Christ. The Holy Ghost for those who seek it can fill in the gaps and generate the good feelings we need to be in control when we may not have been otherwise. And even if we falter in a bad, uncontrolled feeling, God gave us the atonement. We have the opportunity to confess our problem to ourselves and others if necessary and be forgiven. We can take that strength and do better.

All the while the Holy Ghost and the Atonement can only go so far in true reconciliation and control. Especially if you suffer mental illness, depression or devastating trials in life this can be so hard and your God knows your specific situation. But in general one has to talk the talk and walk the walk.

We cannot control our feelings, but we can control ALL our actions. We make the choice to act out or be reasonable. We make the choice to do nothing and let negative feelings grow or we confront them. We make the choice of being happy though our actions and deeds.

Through our chosen actions we often alter our own feelings. For example, if you have the blues the last thing you often want to do is go out with your friends. But if you do choose to make the action of going out with good positive friends, you often feel better after, even if just a little.

Another great example is service. For some reason serving others and taking action in the name of others makes us feel good. It is such a conundrum that service often benefits the one giving it the most. For those who volunteer often, it is almost a one percent given that they will say service to mankind, or animal kind, has been one of the best decisions they have made in their own life's no matter how trying it has been and has given them more joy and fulfillment than they could ask for.

The most important example of taking action, often accompanied with service, is prayer and meditation. This is your private and sacred act to yourself and your God. Prayers over time scrub away those bad feelings and open up the channels to Heavenly Father, the Holy Ghost and good energy. If you don't know how to do this just jump in. Pray twice a day for a month and meditate with an open heart while preforming "clean" actions and you will feel a change in your attitude and feelings. And that is something that will make YOU feel right with the world on some, or many levels.

Wise woman named Kim Getscher once told me that "your feelings are the only mortal thing that which no one can take away from you." So are you going make your actions positive which enviably effect your feelings? Because feelings are the only thing that are ours; make your one true possession a good one. We all deserve to be happy.

Stolen- The 30 Day Challange

I struggle to even keep a journal or blog regularly so we will see if I manage to do this challange I copied from Amy Duree. It would be a fun challange for me and maybe you guys will learn a little more about me for subjecting you to it. Feel free to go clepto and take it for yourself too!

Day 1 – A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.
Day 2 – A photo of something you ate today.
Day 3 – Your idea of the perfect first date.
Day 4 – Your favorite photograph of your best friend.
Day 5 – A photo of yourself two years ago.
Day 6 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.
Day 7 – Your dream wedding.
Day 8 – A song to match your mood.
Day 9 – A photo of the item you last purchased.
Day 10 – A photo of your favorite place to eat.
Day 11 – What’s in your makeup bag?
Day 12 – A photograph of the town you live in.
Day 13 – Your favorite musician and why?
Day 14 – A TV show you’re currently addicted to.
Day 15 – Something you don’t leave the house without.
Day 16 – Your celebrity crush.
Day 17 – A photo of you and your family.
Day 18 – Something you crave a lot.
Day 19 – Another picture of yourself.
Day 20 – The meaning behind your blog name.
Day 21 – A photo of something that makes you happy.
Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
Day 23 – 15 facts about you.
Day 24 – A photo of something that means a lot to you.
Day 25 – What’s in your purse?
Day 26 – A photo of somewhere you’ve been to.
Day 27 – A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?
Day 28 – Your favorite movie.
Day 29 – Something you could never get tired of doing.
Day 30 – A photograph of yourself today + three good things that have happened in the past.

Sunny with a Change of Heart

Today has been such a glorious day. Perfectly sunny with a change of heart.

I have been somewhat a reclusive person for the last couple of years. I used to blame it on the unintentional isolation of marriage (with no fault of Derrick), birth control mind control etc. While those might be valid points for fading away they are not the root of the problem.

It finally took until today to see it. Only after confronting death, the possibility of death and having time to live could I internalize who I need to be; who I used to be.

I was so mad at my situation these last couple of months. I took off a semester of school for a job that in the end took several months to hire me. Since it took so long to be hired it meant I could not be in Civic Orchestra or save up for the things I had hoped. Not being in school and without a job I loathed not being structured and not working hard for these last few months. But today I realized becoming a bum was one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

I work so, so, so hard. That is a good thing, but I was substituting work for facing myself. It allowed me to ignore the possible rejection of others. It supported my idea that the only thing that would make me worthwhile in this life is being educated in a hard degree and being successful. It blinded me to the once painful reality that with my chronic illness I may not be here long.

I can be gone any day illness or not. And I have been quite okay with my mortality since I have never felt security in living a long life. I came to terms with it a long time ago. But sitting at Shara’s grave today thinking of her, Patrick, and now Lelagi who have all passed away, I realized how lucky I truly am. Since having always been ill since a very young girl I had made it a point to live my life to the fullest because it may be short. All my friends who have passed away did so suddenly and did not have the chance to come to terms and enjoy their short time in the same way I have. They never had the chance to prepare their loved ones for their passing like I have. How could have I never realized how absolutely blessed I am to have such an understanding of how vulnerable I truly am?

I reconnected with an old friend too. He is very similar to me in our likes and thought. But most notably he has recently discovered he has a disease that most likely will take him young in life. It is surreal talking to him about it sometimes. It is like looking in the mirror. I see the oxymoron of the comfort he feels and the feelings he endures knowing of his short time while dealing with all the physical and mental anguish. I feel empathy, but have little sadness for him. We are both so blessed. We can understand how truly mortal we are to be able to live.

I lost sight of that always being so busy and drowning the pain. While I remained at home and not interfacing with others for the first month or so of my “bum-dom” I was seething with anger and disappointment. But then something inside of me renewed after being so burnt out from pushing myself too hard so that I could ignore my problems and my fears of being close to others or not being successful. I started working out with a friend and we have been getting close. This led to me hanging out with others and inviting them more personally in my life. I then went out on a limb and got to know people I would have been hesitant with previously. I became more open with my husband. I have been more free and visiting others without thought. I am beginning to understand now; I don’t have to protect others from my mortality for what I thought was their benefit.

I haven’t been this happy for a long time. It is funny how the bad things in life often bring out the best things in life. And since I may not have as much life as those around me I hope I will always hold this revelation in my heart and never fear loving my life and those in it again. May that sunshine always be in my heart.

Full Moon Fishing Adventure and Mishaps

Glad to note no real werewolves (not those Twilight pansies) got me! But don't worry, keep reading. A long, but equally "worth it" story will follow.

Last night I went fishing with Brian Caruthers and Derrick, my hubby man. Brian was quite pleased to show off the this amazing speed boat he bought for $200 bucks and a little more than a thousand in repairs. What a steal of a deal!

We left about 4:00PM and got on the water at Stockton Lake around 5:30ish. Man, there was a lot of wind. When crossing the middle of the of the extremely choppy lake to get to a cove I realized my mistake of sitting on the side of the boat with a small railing while the boys were in comfy chairs. We hit a big wave and went airborne. Thankfully I didn't fly out of the boat or anything, but I landed down on a corner with such force I broke my butt and fell backwards into the boat. I have a hardcore, ugly, discolored, deep tissue and bone bruise to show for it. My recent gain of butt padding did not save me.

Anyways, just keep reading, it gets better. We started fishing and it was a slow start. But it provided a good learning experience because I never realized how much there is to know to be a good fisher. There are so many different types of baits, tools and fish. Then you have to be smart about reading the fishes mind, understanding what they want, where they want it, give it to them when they want it or they won't take it. I didn't say it at the time and it is sexist to myself really, but I kept wanting to say, "it's just like a woman!" Shame on me!







Pictured above is a Big Mouth Bass, Walleye and Small Mouth Bass

Brian caught a fish. Derrick and I caught a few sticks, rocks, and bushes. It was obvious Brian was a lot more skilled, but thankfully my luck started to turn when then full moon started coming up. Full moon fishing is so good because the fish can feed more because they can see the shadows due to the moonlight.

End totals-

Brian: 5 big mouth bass, 1 small mouth bass, and 1 walleye
Me: 2 big mouth bass (I am pictured with my second)
Derrick: Nill:(.

It was so much fun, but the story doesn't end here. A storm was starting to roll in and the waves were getting stronger. It was time to head home. Brian sat in the drivers seat to turn on the engine...and it barely rolls. Our battery is dead, its dark at almost 10:00PM, the storm is coming, we in an area with huge quarry rocks on the shore making a safe beaching near impossible and we aren't near a dock.


Against the rolling waves and wind Derrick and I had to paddle the heavy boat while Brian had to work our barely moving trolling motor trying to keep us strait. Thankfully we had been fishing close to a fairly high rise bride which spanned the cove. Although it was close it took us quite a bit of time just to paddle our way to the man-made face of huge quarry rocks stacked up to the bridge (pictured to the left is the exact view looking across the bridge we had).

Already having our strength wearing down our boat was scraping the bottom against the huge rocks. Brian and I braced ourselves against the rock face and hoisted Derrick up to get the truck about 3 plus miles away. It was hard for Brian and I. We keep looking across the bridge hoping for headlights coming towards us. With the water getting stronger we had to position ourselves and hold on the rock face pushing and pulling just to keep the boat from bottoming out and us from falling off the side of the boat. To make it worse this rock was covered in spiders. There was only one random pill bug amongst the spiders and their egg sacks to keep me sane. Oh, and the fun doesn't end there...the boat is taking on water making it even hard to control. Our strength is wearing out and our muscles are on fire.

No one would stop for Derrick. Being asthmatic and wore from the paddling he keep running and walking the best he could. Finally a family picked him up about a 1/4 mile away from the truck. Derrick drove it over to the side of the bridge we had been fighting against for an hour. He quickly checked on us and went back up the side to remove the starter battery of the truck so we can jump the boat. Ten more minutes pass and Derrick comes back down the side to our aid. Of course, this particular battery doesn't have the prongs on it making possible to jump. Brian and Derrick switched spots back and forth bracing against the rock and trying to the battery attempting hot wire it, rig, anything and nothing is working. Derrick then figured out a way to make a connection and the boat charges. I ran back and forth quickly from the rock face trying to turn the key. More minutes pass while the battery is charging and still no turn over.

Losing most of our wits and strength, Brian debated getting back in the truck, buying a battery and bringing it back. I had been cool and collected until this point. I about broke out in tears and admitted I couldn't hold the boat for another hour while Brian searched out a store in another small town that would actually be open and have a battery. I didn't even know how much longer I really could hold on period. None of us could.

Derrick right before the engine was discovered to be dead

That's when we decided we needed to collectively pray . We were stuck, the storm was strengthening and we running out of options. While Derrick said the prayer and Brian and I clung onto the rocks it felt like we were Peter of the Bible terrified of the storm. But we had faith. While we did not have Jesus literally calm the sea (or lake in our case) Derrick suddenly had inspiration to remove a spliced in wire and choose to try to jump one more time. The engine sputtered. Another minute passed while we attempted to further charge the battery. More sputtering, and then lights on the boat came on. The engine came to life. We were going to make it out.

After hoisting Derrick back up the rock face to reinstall the battery and meet us at the dock across the lake we pushed off. As Brian and I sped across the lake there was was rush of relief. At arriving at the dock we clung on once more and waited for Derrick. Derrick came and we lowered the trailer into the water. The engine even started once more and we removed the boat out of the water smoothly.

Out of the water Brian checked the damage since we had hit rocks several times. Guess what? It seems damage no had occurred to the boat. God is good.

We made it home at 1:00AM with minimal werewolf encounters under the full moon:).

Slashing?

An acquaintance of mine in my high school graduating class said today, "never thought she'd see the day when one of her classmates made national news for a criminal act:(."

I am in the same boat with her. It is surreal enough to see all your peers from high school getting married, having kids, making it big, passing away, etc, but this? A classmate slashing a deans throat?

http://www.sanluisobispo.com/2010/09/16/1290750/police-man-who-stabbed-dean-targeted.html
http://www.kansascity.com/2010/09/15/2227388/nixon-was-intended-target-of-assailant.html
http://ozarksfirst.com/search-fulltext?nxd_id=326615
http://www.kansascity.com/2010/09/15/2226205/suspect-in-penn-valley-stabbing.html
http://www.news-leader.com/article/20100916/NEWS01/9160358/Slashing-suspect-suffered-from-mental-illness-mother-said


Casey Brezik was a mutual "friend." We were not close. I always had this vibe he wasn't that fond of me and I always had an unsettled feeling around him. I took a lot of time from the friend we both shared. I was the best friend to our shared friend. The shared friend hung out with Casey but was more annoyed with him at times. Other than what seemed to be a dislike for me and being occasionally rude, Casey was nice. And I really do mean it when I say he was nice. But he was also quite a strange person. Not a typical person you meet on the street in ideology or in how he communicated with people. I didn't agree with him or approve in most cases, but you can't judge a person just off of ideology or weird quirks. Some of the best and most amazing people are not socially inept or are radical thinkers of time. Sadly, Casey went too far.

Like what a lot of us expected is that he was "off" in some way to mental illness. At least that's what they are saying now. Various reports are saying he is a schizophrenic and a pot smoker. But still, I wouldn't expect his off him. That hardened booking picture doesn't even embody the kid I remember.
Thankfully the dean is recovering and I hope the Dean's family is getting the support through the traumatic event that they need. But I also hope those in Casey's family aren't forgotten. They must be heartbroken for they are victims too.

Baby Got Back

There might actually be hope for me. I might actually be able to dance to Sir Mix A Lot's "Baby Got Back," without feeling like a total sham. For you see I have been gaining weight. Before you women readers who know me collectively feel or follow the urge to post a comment along the lines of "Gail, OMG, shut the bloody heck up before I punch you in the face, because you still freakin' look like a desirable anorexic by media standards," I ask you to hear me out and let me revel for a moment in my glory...

Growing up I have always had an obsession for anything scientific or medical. This love lead to me watching A LOT of shows on plastic surgery on daytime t.v.. For the most part I couldn't relate to the patients themselves. For example, I will never know the joys of having a breast reduction after years of pain or had yet feel the need for liposuction. But one day, revelation happened. A small Chinese girl on one of the shows came in to get- butt implants! I felt such pleasure as I watched the doctor prepping her for surgery as he rainbow sharpied her pitifully small, flat top hiney...which was just like my own sad excuse for a posterior. I knew I had to have a silicon butt for myself someday.

Then... I saw the price tag. Yikes! I don't remember what it was exactly how much it was, but I do remember me slowly expelling the previous breath with weight of crushed dreams. It seems I would perpetually be a victim of butt rumples in jeans and booty shorts would always be a mere fancy for my fabulous friends.

But ladies, my moment of glory has come. I wore booty shorts yesterday and they looked good. You know, the kind you wear to look sexy-sexy for your husband when he comes home and you pray to your God that your neighbors won't see you somehow through the deceivingly closed blinds ; although, if you live in a neighborhood like mine, you would be merely fitting in wearing shorts up your crack. Moreover, the last couple of days I have noticed my jeans are a lot more flush and rounded. Hallelujah!

The cause, yes, before that desire rises again in your throat to write nasty comment, is weight gain. I swear this isn't the first weight gain cycle (yes, I know you don't believe me), but this is the first one, maybe due to getting older, I have a nice bun and breast set to feel normal in. It so satisfying to look down either side of my body and not see Kansas. Even the husband commented how cute I look, and how I look better now than when we were first married and sporting a 5'8"-5'9", 105 lbs. body. If you know my husband, compliments are almost non-existent so you know it is serious and the desirable trait MUST BE HELD ON TO. It seems being a worthless excuse for a human being-couch potato with no job so far and no classes this semester has paid off.

The problem? What will happen to my new set of jewels when I start being a productive member of society again? What will happen when I finally internalize I haven't exercised since December and I really should do that again? I'll tell you what will happen. POOF! Gone. Disappointment. Body image confusion. Sad husband. My curse and gift from God, the ability to lose weight for doing things like finger dancing to much, will take me.

But until reality sets in that I can't be immobile and slothful the rest of my days, I will enjoy dancing to Sir Mix A Lot's one hit wonder and shaking my gluteous maximus with not as much guilt. No more than for a few minutes though or back to mosquito bites or mono-butt is sure to follow.

All the Mormon Ladies

Now sing that title to Beyonces "Single Ladies!"

Whoa, it has been a long time without blogging. Well, here is a random thought. Just bare with me.

I love to wear modest long shorts/skirts with long tops. It looks good on my body type. I am pretty tall and thin so the length in clothing doesn’t make me look shorter or any less shapely. Actually it makes me more so because the additional fabric layers to make more false curves in my otherwise not-so-curvy body shape. But what does make me look a fashion fool is most mid-height neck lines that typically fall below the collar bone by no further than a inch. You know, the ones most Mormon ladies wear if they haven’t chosen a high neck line garment for the day. I have a long neck and extremely long torso; a mid-height neck line makes it look like my boobs have been melted. So what do I do? I wear a high neck line or show a minute amount of cleavage with a lower neck line.

This has leaded me to not think ill of a Mormon woman showing a little cleavage. I know to a lot of people, like the one lady in my Ward who always gives me dirty looks on my cleavage days, it may matter, but really, my undergarments are more than covered so I don’t really care. I still have many callings and respect from my leaders. Obviously I am not TOO offensive.

But this last Sunday a woman in my Ward wore a dress that was about 3 1/2 inches off the knee. My first thought was how immodest this person was and confusion on how were certain garments weren’t showing. But then I thought about it and realized I was being judgmental. This dress looked AMAZING on her. It showed off her legs perfectly without being risqué. With her body type her bottom garments would come up higher; just like how my garments on my top naturally lay really low due to my body type. Though, I couldn’t have a dress that high off the knee modestly because of how my own garments tend to lay on my body shape.

That instant made me realize that we all have different body types that can “get away” with different things. Most, I imagine, judge more harshly what they themselves cannot get away with. Also, some can’t help some things, such as women with bigger breasts will always battle their revealing necklines. As LDS sisters, we have to keep this in mind. As long as it is not blatantly distasteful and against modestly standards we need to make a fuss within our internal or external selves.

This is my personal opinion. If it covers, it’s cool. If it doesn’t show the stitching in your bra, underwear lines, or the article of clothing isn’t struggling to stay in its intended shape- it isn’t too tight. As Mormon women we need not to dress ourselves in bags and treat our bodies like something shameful. Too many LDS women have this idea that modesty is dressing in things as shapeless and baggy as our male counterparts. We are allowed to look good AS WOMEN and that means more than simply wearing a skirt or dress. Personally, I feel best when I look sexy. No, I don’t want to steal the hearts of men other than my husband, but it just makes me feel beautiful. Sexy doesn’t always mean mini-skirts, ultra cleavage and tube tops. It just means you look hot by dressing to your body type. End. Of. Story.

Wants the Pity Party to Stop!

I want mine to stop specifically. You know you are truly become a self-absorbed, sad maniac when all you can do get your frustration out is write angry blogs and hope that others empathy for you gets to you through an invisible force that unites all and will make it all okay.

I won't lie, I have been having a hard time lately. But in reality my life is great. My marriage is the best it has have ever been, I have been getting back to reading scriptures regularly (my weakest point in the Gospel is I struggle to do things when I feel like I am learning the same things again and again), praying with sincerity, what I learn in school is amazing, I have been helping others (although not as much as I used to) and trying to do what is right. I know I am having huge issues lately with school and some other personal things out of my control that I would never mention online, but I have been through so so so much worse. Yet, it is bugging me more this time.

Why can't I get past myself? I hate being one of those people who feel the need to have support from others and complain. I know some people dream of having the life I have, so how can I be so selfish and down?

I am getting to that point where I don't want to do anything, but I make myself do something to distract my own prying thoughts. I miss people being around constantly. I hate being alone, but when I get with people all I want to be is alone. Derrick is the only one I desire to have around me all the time and still feel comfortable. Part of that is I know I am brain is trying to make it easier for my friends and myself if and when we leave for AZ, so I am detaching myself mentally and physically from friends, but I know in my heart that isn't all of it.

Some would say it is depression, but I don't think it is that or at least I am ignorant because I have never had depression before. Still, I know I most likely have picked up SAD disorder from my mothers side, but I am sure I don't have classic depression. Something inside of me needs a swift kick in the butt and Temple trip since I haven't been since summer of last year because of our 6 days a week schedule.

I wish screaming at myself would make the rational parts of my brain get my emotional part in line. Geezzz....

The Little Things

How I love the random, yet important things I learn in school.


Today I learned two interesting things in Chemistry.

1.) Scotch tape when ripped off certain surfaces emits x-ray rays.

2.) More people in the world die from bad drinking water than all the diseases in the world combined.

This stuff is awesome. Science makes the world a better place and is just plain intriguing. I don't regret turning down going into music performance for my college education, even if it was what my family and mentors wanted. I am sad that I am not near as good at the viola as I used to be when younger, but other than that I have little regret. Science is what makes me fulfilled and everyday I get reminded of it.

Peace Rant

What is it with this year? It seems like almost everyday is turning into a battle. Not fighting with people directly per say, but some of things I hold on to most dearly are challenged a lot more lately.

Does that mean the right path is being taken? Or is this a wake up call to change something that isn't getting through my head?

I want so much for this world to be a more peaceful place. I want people to understand each other and be lifted up by one another whether they believe the same way or not. That is how our Heavenly Father wants it. He didn't put us in different paths in life that always don't agree to torture us or for no reason. The fact is we would learn nothing of value and truly value it if all people were the same. We were all given our free agency to have the choice to make something more of ourselves than we thought possible. The agency to help others do the same.

This constant tension is killing me. I am such a non-confrontational person (although many mistake me expressing my opinion as me being confrontational). I take great pride in managing to remain diplomatic and objective in almost all situations. I don't like to fight. And the things I take a stand for are things that need to be expressed in love, not using guerrilla tactics.

The obvious answer is to remove yourself from the tension, but the world doesn't change when people decide to take the comfortable road and never take action.

Hopefully the solution comes to me.

Peaceful Rant Over.

XXXXDeathXXXX

So my social case study I mentioned on fb has been greatly delayed due to some hurdles and today I was considering letting the project drop, but now some things fell into place.

I really must love abusing myself. A huge research project consisting of papers, data entry, and admistering test methods and a possible huge public presentation with a deadline of April 12th on top of all my sciences class, ballet, Civic orchestra, teaching viola, piano classes and looking for a job! Seriously? SERIOUSLY? If this isn't proof of self mutilation I don't know what is!

Pray for me ya'll. I am going to need it.

Regina Spektor

Have you ever listened to a music artist in your life that makes your soul swell with happiness and fullness. They make you laugh, cry, sing and feel complete.

That is what is Regina Spektor is to me. Obsessive, yes, but she is the only artist that can make the world feel so right with me with the majority of her music.

She is anti-folk/ jazz mix Jewish woman, who came from Russia as a girl and graduated as a very talented pianist. She has this uncanny ability to put tell a story to make it feel like the listener has lived the story even if listener never has or will. She isn't shallow. At times she seems insane. Her lyrics may seem disconjointed at first, but listen a couple of times and it is hard not to realize how deep the lyrics really are.

Below is the song and lyrics that made me go on the random tangent this time. Hope you like it!

She was lying on the floor and counting stretch marks
she hadn't been a virgin and he hadn't been a god
so she names the baby Elvis
to make up for the royalty he lacked

And from then on it was turpentine and patches
from then on it was cold Campbell's from the can
They were just two jerks playing with matches
Cause that's all they knew how to play

And it was raining cats and dogs out side of her window
And she knew they were destined to become
sacred road kill on the way
And she was listening to the sound of heavens shaking
thinking about puddles, puddles and mistakes

Now it's turpentine and patches
Now it's cold, cold Campbell's from the can
They were just two jerks playing with matches
Cause that's all they knew how to play

Elvis never could carry a tune
she thought about this irony as she stared back at the moon
she was tracing the years with her fingers on her skin
saying why don't I begin again
with turpentine and patches
with cold Campbell's from the can
after all I'm still a jerk playing with matches
it's just that he's not around to play along
I'm still an ass hole playing with matches
Blowing out my wishes blowing out my dreams
Just sitting here and trying to decipher
what's written in Braille upon my skin...

Alma the Younger

Sometimes people are too quick to think a change of heart is a very short process. Look at Alma the Younger in the Book of Mormon. He was considered a very extreme case of someone living a life full of sin, and went comatose for three days because of his sin. During his comatose state he went though the pains of hell to finally reconcile his soul, wake up, and change his life around. He later became a very influential Prophet.

Alma the Younger was a very extreme case and a wonderful conversion story, but it seldom happens like that. Although, I think some like myself, who have in the past gone through the pains of hell in one way or another for their transgressions (which my own transgressions will remain private), wishes it was that is easy as what Alma the Younger went through. He went through torture for three days, but woke up and never looked back. If only it were that easy!

For most individuals the change of heart required to over come their own demons is a long process. I am not talking about making one mistake and never doing it again. I am referring to the true, deep, continuous transgressions. The first step often takes weeks, months, or years to admit to themselves that they have the problem and that they need to fix it. Once this choice to change is made seldom is it an instant, quick or permanent change. Usually the person falls on their face and commits the same sinful act again and again. Eventually the individual gives up or the feels the sorrows of their failures and pushes forwards. One needs to push forward and not give up! After they keep pressing forward they realize the true nature of their sin as the Holy Ghost floods back into their lives. They go a true change of heart and they must fight off the urge to hate themselves and combat the overwhelming sadness. Depression is common in this phase. The sadness and guilt tears one apart. But eventually, if one holds to the iron rod they will come out on the other side.

The other side is never easily reached or in the exact steps listed above, but it is almost always long and heart wrenching.

The best thing people can do to help an individual trying to change is listen and support with out adding more guilt and more stress. People have to change for themselves, not because of others pushy promptings. Pray in strong silence, note good changes casually, but do not over excite or over correct. As humans, especially women, the natural reaction is to smother one to help them with their problems. But be assured that the one trying help is most affective by keeping a handle on their emotions, listening (but not forcing the person to talk to you), and supporting from a moderate distance.

And remember everyone is different. Some individuals repenting want more or need more support from others while other repenting individuals really just need the space to work it out on their own. Also keep in mind that just because it is something you would need or feel while repenting does not mean another will feel or react the same way.

Going through a change of heart or watching someone experience it is hard, but the Lord has promised us if we stay strong and steadfast we can overcome it and come out on top. And like Alma the Younger, it doesn't matter how much one has sinned and no matter how much one feels like they aren't worthy, they can change and become something amazing.

Spring Break 2010

Tyler Anderson, Derrick's half brother, came out to visit us in cold, non-beach Missouri for Spring Break! If that isn't true love I don't know what is.

We did so much, but I thought I would post some of the highlights of Tyler's stay from his view point. In red below are Tyler's top four favorites! If you want to see pictures you better hope you are my fb friend so you can see 'em!

Tyler's 2010 Missouri Madness Spring Break

Gained a new "second tier sister-in-law", aka Courtney
Went to ArtWalk
Rode a Dinosaur
Saw his first ominous dark alley way
Attended a Family Fun Day in Branson
Strolled the Branson Landing
Got saucy at Famous Dave's BBQ
Part created and participated in kite flying relays
Played RockBand
Rode in a really fast limited edition SAAB
Downed free doughnuts in Krispy Kreme stores
Discovered every college kids dream: "The Crap Store (Chamber Sales)"
Gave a dog, Crockett, a cut and dyed Mohawk.
Dyed his own hair black via the fabulous Jeni Brown
Celebrated his brother Daniel getting his GED
Laughed at "my hair looked like a concoction of a dirty tampon and spice girl"
Shadowed an autopsy
Laid concrete
Ate ice cream with Derrick
Walked though Sequiota Park
Watched the three movies.
Scored deals at Garage Sales
Viewed Derrick helping make a citizens arrest
Caught throwed rolls at Lambert's restaurant
Explored Cosmic Cave
Dined at Lovin' Oven Bakeria in Eureka Springs, AR
Became a temporary Goth

Did Darwin Murder God?

So, how many people got a flier for the Did Darwin Murder God? series by HS Jester?

The flier's illustration on the first page misconstruing the theory of evolution by portraying a chimpanzee holding a dagger like object as if to murder sitting on top of evolution books studying a human skull; if you have studied the theory of evolution you would know that it does not state men come from chimps or monkeys. The topic night pictures, Seminar titles and descriptions are bogus too. This WHOLE THING REEKS OF TWISTED TRUTHS AND BLATANT LIES laced with some fact! If you got this flier and want to know why I said such a damning and accusing statement, instead of just assuming I am ignorantly pissed off scientist ranting, please ask me and I will take the time not to convince you to believe how I do, but discuss how he is dishonestly manipulating people.

For a guy who went to school briefly for Chemical Engineering, he has no problem twisting things. He has the nerve to incorrectly portray the ideas of evolution, physics, chemistry, and a great man like Darwin just to keep all of his beliefs in tact. I know a lot of people will find absolute truth in what he is saying because it is more comfortable to have to zealous preacher dictate to them how to think. I don't care if you don't believe in evolution, but base your opinion on scientific data and take the time to study it. If this guy had an objective seminar where he wasn't trying to stir up anger with masses and was being truly objective and being truthful I wouldn't be so mad even it was contradicting what I believe!

The title's for the seven seminars goes as follows "Did Darwin Murder God," "Dinosaurs, Fossils, and the Age of the Earth," "Noah's Ark & Secrets of the Flood," "Evolution and the Antichrist Agenda," "If Darwin was Right, Hitler Wasn't Wrong," "Ape Men: Don't make a Monkey Out of Yourself," and "When Evolution goes extinct".

I have already registered to go to all of them. I believe that both sides should always be explored to be a valid, knowledgeable person on any subject. Not that I will expect to enjoy the sessions, but I do need to be fair and knowledgeable of all view points when talking to others and determining my own beliefs in something equate to a big part of my life. If any one wants to join me please call me. I honestly encourage you to come and see how the Spirit speaks to you. I plan on simply taking notes and staying quiet, so I will not be much of a distraction.

He attempts to make it seem like all scientists leave God out of the equation. This is not so. Almost every scientist deeply believed in God until a cultural change in the 1930's. But there are many scientists who hold on to God dearly. It is guys like this that will never allow science and Religion to work together.

First Haul of the Season!

It is garage sale season once more! Here is my first haul of the Spring!

2 work shop lights with dual stand Usually about $90.00, Bought for $3.00
Craftsman work shop light with two filaments; Usually about $30.00, Bought for $2.00
Dyna-Glo 10,000 BTU Kerosene heater; Normal price REFURBISHED is $100.00, Bought for $6.00
Freakishly long extension cord; Bought for $2.00
Work shop grade power bar; Bought for $2.00
Marley and Me DVD; Bought for $3.00
Sweeney Tod DVD; Bought for $3.00
Save Ferris Cd; Free
PrintMusic 2004; Normal price $50.00, bought for $1.00.

TOTAL SPENT: $22.00!

Derrick Rocks My Socks Off!

So, socks can't be literally knocked off. Don't believe it? Myth Busters had an episode on it. But if awesome-ness could rock off socks, my socks would never be on due to the awesome-ness of Derrick!

You know I have to say I love my husband, Derrick. I always get reminded how much he loves me. Like today for instance, I was all ready to check out at Aldi's only to realize they don't take credit, I don't know my pin number like always, I have no checks, and I have no cash. I called him in tears. For those who know me know that I get very flustered and upset when I get thrown off my self-imposed schedule...or any schedule for that matter. It is just one of my weird quirks. Anyways, Derrick offered to drive all the way from work to pay with his card and his memorzied number. Well, I declined and drove to the bank for cash in the end, but either way his offer was sweet. These moments aren't rare occurences either.

Derrick never reads my blogs so I can openly brag on him without embarrassing him lol. These are a few of my favorite things about Derrick...

-Derrick is one of the most sincere people I know. He doesn't manipulate or play games. He may not give a lot of compliments either, but when he does you know it is something to treasure and it is the truth.

-Derrick is so open with our home. I never have to ask about inviting someone over, someone coming to visit or something to that effect. He loves having people here and is so willing to actively make them comfortable.

-He always treats me as an equal partner.

-Derrick not only works hard for his dreams, but works hard so the people close to him can have their dreams achieved as well.

-He is willing to help someone without someone even asking. When people do get a chance to ask for help he rarely turns them down.

-He knows how to treat women. He treats all women like his own sister (with the exception of me in some...ummm....cases;).) and shows nothing but respect.

-I adore many of his values. And he knows how to stand up for them without being a over bearing jerk.

-Man, can he create. He visualizes physical things in his mind and makes them. He is so focused he will mull over those mental creations for hours. He is man of many trades.

-He just doesn't posess male trades. He one of the best cooks I know, he sews well, (he made some of my wedding dress) and he cleans!

-I love his love for music and dance. We are both very into the arts so that makes for a lot of great dates!

- Derrick is not quick to point out mistakes or downfalls. He lets people learn and grow without tearing them down unless that is absolutely what they need. He isn't quick to judge either.

-Derrick is not a jealous/paranoid person and nor am I. This allows us to have good friends of the opposite gender and still be loyal and comfortable.

-He loves to play jokes and be playful. I enjoy he isn't completely sugar.

-Derrick knows how to read people. He is so good at games like Apples to Apples!

-Derrick is truly a man of Lord. He doesn't just find what he is comfortable with and stay stagnant. He continually grows in heart and mind. Derrick puts Heavenly Father first in his heart.

Okay, I said more than a few things. But with like a man like Derrick, it is hard not go on forever!

Dissecting Rats

Today for one of my Biology classes at Missouri State University we dissected a rat. I really had a problem with it.

Now, I have dissected two frogs, a pig, a shark, a grasshopper, a worm, a crawfish, two cats, a rabbit and shadowed for the Springfield Coroner and none of which have made me overly uncomfortable . But dissecting the rat still bugged me.

I don't hate domesticated rats or find them disgusting. Rather I find them intelligent and playful creatures. Domestic ones make great pets aside from the fact most pet rats you find in the pet store for sale are in direct linage from cancer tester rats; in many, in if not most cases a pet rat will have comparatively short life from visible or hidden cancer. So, this still leaves open why dissecting a rat did not settle with me.

The way we went about dissecting upset me. We basically threw a dead rat on the table and cut it up quickly. Then looking at the lab sheet it was apparent from all the material they wanted us to learn, which was little, it didn't even seem necessary to cut into it. To make matters worse this was the only lab period we were using the rat. In short we spent thirty five minutes with an open rat on the table and of that thirty five minutes we only spent about ten minutes actively identifying parts. Unfortunatly most of those rats died for an hours worth of study, if that,  just to be thrown away,

Maybe I am just weird, but when I dissect an animal I feel a humbling connection. One of God's creatures gave its life so I could better understand God's handiwork. One should handle the specimen gingerly as reasonable,  although the creature is deceased. Any creature that didn't get to feel the full measure of its creation on a humans account deserves respect. Don't just kill to kill or make profit on things other than non-endangered-animal food. Study the creature, use its pelt, cook it or something to that effect.  

The lab today could have easily been done with slides or one/two example rats due to the briefness and complexity of the lab. Who cares if it is a rat? We wasted lives today.

Love Band Aid

You know, I was really touched today by things many people said about me today. How I was smart, independent, non-judgemental, loving, and caring. I hope I always live up to that reputation. Of course I will fault sometimes, but lets hope those occurrences are far and few in between. Especially since I have been a major screw-up this week I am expecting for that to account for at least six months worth of Gail-suckiness lol.

It is comforting to have nice things said by good people when at a low point. Continually we need to make sure we are that for others as well (did you like the royal "we" usage?). To lift them up in their low points.

My last thought was concerning how many people said I am very smart. I am glad people feel that way. But I hope that they don't see that because I flaunt it. There is nothing less admirable than someone showing off their smarts all the time. It is a sign of over confidence or a lack of it. Frankly the smart strutter's look like the idiots in my book. Not to say a smart person should overly dumb themselves down or not be proud of it, but act like a normal, respectable human for goodness sake!

The comment of me being smart also somewhat made me laugh. Only if people knew how many tears I have cried due to math inadequacy, the frustration of people editing my error filled papers, and my amazing skills to always make stupid errors. I might have a knack for some things, but I assure all of you; I am very human.

I think I am getting off the computer now. Maybe take a warm bath and curl up with a good book? This next two months are going to be filled with endless research so I ought to enjoy it now.

:).

Word Vomit

Okay, I need to word vomit.

I am so hurt I can't even describe it right now. I feel like a baby cause I all I want to do is cry about it and scream. I don't feel like I fit in here. I know everyone feels that way, but I feel that way every single day and it is all coming to a head now. As immature as it sounds, I will be so happy to get away from here. I will miss my true, close friends and my dad, but other than that I am content leaving it all behind.

I feel like my Savior and some few people are the little who know what I go through on a daily basis. Here in the Bible Belt I am chastised because I am an evolutionary scientist, moderate feminist, not quick to have a family, and socially liberal when concerning some political ideas. Religious people are constantly questioning my intentions, if I love my God, if I love my Church, if I love my Prophets, if I value traditional values, if I love my Gospel, and if I am worthy even if they don't say it to may face all the time. It doesn't matter how many times I bear my testimony in all places, declare the Gospel, always live the Physical Gospel or try my best to always be considerate of others beliefs. The fact I am not a traditional female Latter Day Saint in many senses will always haunt me.

Yet on the other hand I lost my family's respect and trust to become a Latter Day Saint because I knew it was right. I lost some friends too. Many colleges in research and education call me a fool for believing in God and being a Mormon. They question my scientific practices and knowledge because of it. People from day one have torn me down for making that decision. It kills me having that much opposition, but I believe in the The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Days Saints and no matter what I will not fold.

Do many know what it is like to be sometimes hated and often considered a fool by several in all circles of life? I never get away from it whether I am at home, school, work or at play. I am 100% Latter Day Saint and 100% percent scientist, but many in both groups make me out to be 20% in each given.

Almost all people respect my husband Derrick. I can't help getting this feeling that some people in the Church wonder how we puts up with me and wonder why he married me. I could be totally off base with that, but it is how I feel. The fact is he married me because he wanted someone who was strong minded, puts high value in education (not just supporting it, but doing it), and their main goal wasn't just to get married and have kids (noting there is nothing wrong with that if that is your goal and you do it well). He has told me that several times. He thinks much like I do. He is a scientist too. We don't agree on everything, but he respects me even if he doesn't agree or understand. He goes as far to sincerely support all my scientific endeavors even if he doesn't agree or understand. He is my pillar. Derrick knows at the end of the day no matter what I discover or question that I love him and my Heavenly Father unconditionally.

I know I inadvertently, minorly bashed my Church and scientific individuals here. But I must make known I love my Church with all my heart. Yes, sometimes messages portrayed by the general populous and people in it are less than perfect many times, as am I, but the message of the Gospel is perfect. It seems so conflicting just because we fully don't understand it yet. Same with science. Sometimes principles don't make sense to us at the time, but that doesn't mean they are indefinitely any less true. The same God who made this whole world and all the people in it used the same science we are discovering today to do it. The concepts are just a little over our head yet. Scientists are begrudged with the fact religious people aren't willing to listen to, in my mind, God's story through science. This often causes a disdain for religion. They see perfect handiwork and people blatantly discount it or chastise the ones who discovered it. It has been happening for centuries and the bad blood runs deep.

Anyways. Done for now. I am so blessed, but sometimes the bad has this overwhelming emotional weight!

Insensitive Gail Strikes Again

I sometimes feel like an awful person. I HATE to hurt peoples feelings and I loathe making people feel like less of a person no matter how unintentionally or with good cause.

I have had many people tell me I am the most level headed, diplomatic person they know. I would like to believe my own press. I know I get over heated and am too quick to defend an idea, but sometimes not quick enough to defend the heart of a person. When you believe something so thoroughly it is hard not to do so. It is such a hard line to draw when attempting to not fluff something, but not coming off as an insensitive jerk either. I also wish I could say I am not a judgemental person. I am quick analyze and try to solve a person like a chemistry problem. I can't do that with people. People have so many extrinsic variables you can never truly get a clear picture. Also, when concerning another person, just because something wouldn't hurt my feelings doesn't mean it won't hurt theirs. I need to remember that!

Ahhh, may the Lord grant me with more understanding of those around me and not what I have come to conclusion they are. May I not only stand up for an idea, but first and foremost for others. Ideas are nothing without our brothers and sisters in the world around us.

Ugghhh. I hate feeling like pond scum.


THE ADD ON
I have to say I appreciate Caty was brave enough to reveal her blog was about me because I wasn't brave enough to do the same(even if everyone could have figured out who I was indirectly referring to). I know it seems like we are often about to kill each other via Internet. That is because Caty and I are very passionate people with very different, yet similar lives. We are both willing to fight for what we believe in which is a good thing. How we do it is sometimes not always appropriate. The Internet is not the most conducive place to reflect on thoughts in their entirety and express them correctly. We often are too quick to react. The tension between Caty and I does not come because we despise each other. Do we get frustrated with each other? Yes. We don't talk enough in person to see where the other person is really coming from.

Caty and I often do not agree. Though I think if either of us was much different we might be missing out. We DO make each other think. It makes us uncomfortable on some level, we are only human. It takes more personal strength to talk to a friend that will willingly oppose you. What is wonderful is we can both admit we are not perfect and make mistakes. Caty and I may not see eye to eye a lot the time, but both of our intentions are just as righteous even if we make mistakes. I figure we actually agree on 97% of things in life, but is amazing how 3% can make two people so different. Just wait, I bet we are going to get to heaven and laugh so hard at our squabbling when we can fully understand it all.
Thank you Caty for your sweet blog. I had to learn my lesson today too! We both had to read and think about things we needed to. We will both come out better for it.

Tasha's Prompt

Ha ha! The Color Career Counselor said I was a "RESEARCHER." So, do you think it worked? I don't know if I could have described my professional, and some what personal, self better.

"Independent, self motivated, reserved, introspective, analytical and curious."

"investigates types, gathers information, analyze and interpret data and inquire to cover new facts. They have a strong scientific orientation, enjoy academic or research environments and prefer self-reliant jobs. Dislikes group projects, selling and repetitive activities."

And all scientific jobs were suggested. Guess I am on the right path huh?

Check out Tasha's Blog, "Always Early" to get the Color Test Link.

P.S- Did you know I am a INTJ (sometimes an ENTJ; frankly I am border line)? If you don't know what that acronym represents you need to take a Myers-Briggs Personality test!

Mormon Scientist

I LOVE to read. Fiction, non-fiction, text-books, biographies, and what ever else. But few pieces of literature have ever made me cry. Mormon Scientist, by Henry J. Eyring (son of Henry B. Eyring of the LDS First Presidency and grandson of Henery J. Eyring) and grandfather Henry J. Eyring made me cry wet, warm tears serveral times not out of sadness, but a soul-filling happiness.

As a religious scientist I get a lot of crap from people. On the scientific side I am scouffed at by my colleges because I not only believe in God, but in a very personal Heavenly Father. When I share my faith with my scientific peers and teachers very rarely am I met with understanding respect. In fact, I am treated often as an ignorant fool. On the same token since, I am a scholar-in-study of the most demonisticly viewed field by religion (which is evolution and studying early hominids (early human forms)), faithful religous indivduals question, not always kindly, my faith and intentions. I may not be literally burned at the stake by religious peoples, but very often I feel the symbolic fire.

Henry J. Eyring, even in the early 1900's, went through this same thing. Even as a truly inspired and famous chemist he could not escape the persectution. But instead of stamping his feet and complaining he worked hard. He not only shared the message of the Gospel with anyone who would listen, but came up with some the most basic principles of chemistry that even I learn in my chemistry classes today.

I am not near as great as Henry J. Eyring, but as I read this book I couldn't help crying because I have never met, rather read about, someone who thinks so much like I do. Some of the things he wrote in essence are the same ideas that often come out of my mouth or ideas I think about while doing my studies or thinking late at night. His words lifted my up my, and his, total and utter belief that science and religion are not enemies. They are partners and the more we learn of God we understand science and vice versa. Mormon Scientist is important for religious and scientific people alike to read.

There were many, many, many quotes from this book that imprinted on my heart. But here are some I choose to share that are from Grandfather Henry J. Eyring. One must really read the book to fully appreciate it though.

-"I would like to suggest to youth who may feel inclined to disparage religion as they pursue other studies, that they might bring enrichment to their lives by cultivating faith and an intrest in things of the Spirit as they follow their pursuits. Such faiths will never detract from their abilities in other fields, but will broaden their thinking and give added depth to their character."- Pg. 49

-"I have been announced a student of science. But I also like to think of myself as one who loves the Gospel of Jesus Christ. For me there has been no serious difficulty in reconciling the principles of true science with the principles of true religion, for both are concerned with the eternal verities of the universe." Pg. 51

-"I am now going to venure to say that science has rendered a service to religion. The scienticfic spirit is a spirit of inquiry, a spirit of reaching out for truth. In the final analysis, this spirit is likewise of the essence of religion. The Savior said: 'Ask, and it shall be given you; seek. and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.' The scientist has in effect reaffirmed this great fundamental laid down by the Master, and in doing so has given a new impetus to religion." -Pg. 52

-"I am convinced that if the Lord required that His children understand His works before they could be saved that no one could be saved. It seems to me that to struggle for agreement on scientific matters in view of the disparity in background which the member of the church have is to put emphasis on the wrong place. In my judgement there is no room in the Church for people who think that the periods of creation were (a) 24 hours, (b)1000 years, or (c)millions of years. I think it is fine to discuss these questions and for each individual to try to convert the other to what he thinks is right, but in matters where apparently equally reliable (church) authorites disagree I prefer to make haste slowly.

...I have never liked, for example, the idea that many of the horizontally lying layers with their fossils are wreckage from earlier worlds. In any case, the Lord created the world and my faith does not hinge on detailed procedures." - Pg. 62
-"I have no objection to Joseph Smith's making a number of mistakes. Of course he did, and I like it. I like to see some of the brethren make mistakes, because then I think that the Lord can use me too.
Perhaps I can say it another way. The Church would have been perfect if the Lord had not let people into it. That is where the mistake seems to have been made, but we understand this too. The Church is part of his wonderful plan to work with you and me."- Pg. 222

-" God is so gentle, so dedicated to the principle that men should be taught correct principles and then govern themselves--- that they should take responsibilty for their own mistakes---that His children can actually question whether He exists. To me, that in itself is one of the testimonies that He exists. I cannot think of anything which more wonderfully typifies His mercy, His kindness, His consideration for us, His concern for us, than that He does it all with bonds that are like the strongest steel but are so gentle that you cannot see them."- Pg. 224

-"To people who ask, 'Oh, as a scientist, how can you be a devout Latter-day Saint?' I say, 'Nonsense. My religion is on the same basis as my science. It works. It really makes people better. It (the church) is an organization that is tremendous. Everybody is in the Church. You have a part in it. You could not have more unlikely material than some of us, and yet the Lord chooses to work with us and try to make something of us. You can't do better than that."- Pg. 232

-"There is probably no better way to deepen faith in the Gospel than to try to think out how this magnificently complicated world came about. Only a profound scholar of the physical sciences is able to calculate that utter improbability of any universe rising by chance. There is, however, a deep meaning running though all that touches our lives. The gospel is to be found not only in the scriptures but in every detail of the world, if we can but read it." Pg. 233

-"There are lots of things, of course, that science does not know, but to me the saddest thing I see is people who feel that science threatens them religiously. It could not possibly threaten us religously, because that same God who 'made' our religion, that same God is making the universe. Science might threaten our understanding of religion. I am not doubting that---that some of us, including me, have a faulty understanding of our religion that almost anything might threaten it. But the thing is that is important about that is if we want to influence our sons and daughters, we must get our religion in the kind of shape that is cannot be threatened by anything that science discovers or does not discover."- Pg 241

-"With each new discovery, the skeptic finds less need for God, while the devout Latter-day Saint sees in it one more evidence of His overruling hand.
It was ever so. The Bible speaks of the four corners of the earth. In the time of Columbus, there were those who thought a flat earth was religious necessity. When it turned out to be round, Christ's teachings were found to be just as consistent with the new view as with the old. Later, when Galileo verified the theories of Copernicus and said the earth moved about the sun and so it no longer be considered the center of creation, there were bigots ready to burn him at the stake. When the smoke cleared away and men looked at matters calmly, it became apparent that nothing essential had been lost. A lot of human philosophy disappeared, but it turned out to be unnecessary."- Pg. 247
"I understand, of course, there are contradictions of all kinds of science, and there are contradictions between science and religion, and there are contradictions between various parts of religion in every human mind (but not in God's mind; in a billion years you will have your problems solved, if you can wait).

And there aren't any problems, really, but I always feel a little bit unhappy when somebody tells me that they'll give me a beautiful picture that reconciles everything. Baloney. I mean, I can't reconcile chemistry, and they're going to take the whole world and reconcile it and religion and science and everything in it? I can't do that. I like contradictions. I like a little bit of a mess and I am glad when one of the brethern says something that I think is a little bit foolish, because I think if the Lord can stand him, maybe He can stand me. So that's it, and I think that maybe there's a certain stumbling block that some of us have: we expect other people to be some kind of perfection that we don't even approach ourselves. We expect brethren or the bishop or the stake president or the General Authorities not to be human beings; but theyre wonderful, and they are better than they would if it weren't for the Lord helping them. I think I would say this, I don't think there is a finer group in the world than the bishops of the Latter Day Saint Church. Some of them aren't what they ought to be, but just by-and-large you won't find a more devoted group of men than that."- Pg. 303