Day Ten- Default Dinner

Day 10 – A photo of your favorite place to eat.

Steak in Shake isn't my favorite place, but rather my default place to eat. And they have Caramel Apple shakes right now. YUM!!!!

And this isn't a picture of the restaurant. Deal with it.

Day Nine- Cranking Amps

Day 9 – A photo of the item you last purchased.
Morning person on a night shift + LemonLime 5 Hour Energy = Survival.

Day Eight- "Afraid"

Day 8 – A song to match your mood.



"Afraid"
(feat. Attitude)

What they say what they say what they say

You speak out all you feel is defiance
All you need is some self-reliance
Cause this world is gonna always try us
And all you wanted was to run for cover
Well here's looking to yourself and no other
We're all searching for that special something
And we keep on running

We all have the choice to take the lead or follow
I want to feel the light shine on me

You're so afraid of what people might say
But that's okay cause you're only human
You're so afraid of what people might say
But that's okay you'll soon get strong enough
You're so afraid of what people might say
But that's okay cause you're only human
You're so afraid of what people might say
You're going to break
So please don't do it

You wanna spread your wings but you're not sure
Don't wanna leave your comforts
Wanna find a cure
We're afraid of who we see in the mirror
We wanna let go but it feels too pure
Who wants to be alone in this world
You look around and all you see is hurt
But the light it always finds us
If we move with a little trust

A diamond don't define what shine is
I don't need a Rolex to know what the time is
You got your let me find what mine is
I'm a survivor look how strong my mind is
I stand on my own it's all me
Regardless of whatever they call me

I'm a leader not a follower
And I'd rather be paid and popular
Ride homie get your dollars up
We're in the belly of the beast that already swallowed us

Day Seven- Working & Weddings: Both Dreadful Things

First, today I start my job with Expedia! I haven't worked full time since 2006, but since I took school off this semester, hopefully it will be an easy transition.

Day 7 – Your dream wedding.

My perfect wedding? Well I have already have had a great wedding. And I wouldn't change anything just for nostalgia factor. Hindsight, I am so, so, so glad I don't EVER have to plan a wedding again unless a worse case scenario occurs.

I hate wedding planning so much, I am not even going to dream about what could have been to make it a perfect wedding, but rather I am just going to snicker and laugh for all those planning one and be thankful I am done! Ha! Suckers!

Day Six- Creep Factor

Day 6 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.Maybe I am weird, but I adore snakes. No, I LOVE snakes. The non-poisonous kinds. Our animals now are just making the house explode with too much furry cuteness. But snakes are expensive because of the feeder creatures, the cost to run heat lamps, cage enclosures, and such. Hence why we don't have one. Besides, I have a bunny that probably wouldn't appreciate that new addition.

Sad. Though some day we will have yard apes (children). A massive rabbit and two dogs will have to do for now.

Day Five- It Feels Like A Dream

Day 5 – A photo of yourself two years ago.

That is me at my 21st birthday. Pssshh, but now I am a big, bad 23 year old. But admittedly, while our lives have changed significantly, this picture isn't much different than one that would be taken now. I still have the same goofy smile, Addie is trying to eat my possessions, and Poodle (Ryan) and Joe are retarded as ever. I am glad some things never change.

Day Four- Are You Okay?

Day 4 – Your favorite photograph of your best friend.

I don't know if I would say this is my favorite photo of Derrick, but because we have so many of him I don't have the will power to look through them all and we have a too-hard-to-operate camera so a lot of pictures aren't so clear as this one.

This is from our honeymoon in Mexico. For those who know me well, you know I am afraid of horses. For those who don't know me you now know an embarrassing fact. Well due to my fear, all along our horseback journey on the beach Derrick had to keep turning around and make sure I wasn't going to have a heart attack on my old, dumpy, slow horse!

Day Three- Its Not Love Unless You're Screaming

Day 3 – Your idea of the perfect first date.

This would be idea of perfect first date. Of course I will never have one of those so I just have to revel in it.

Most people want a walk on the beach or a romantic carriage ride. Not me. I want an amusement park. I would want my date to ride all the rides with me screaming and laughing the whole time. Then we would eat a pile of ribs and get our faces all messy. To me that sounds like a perfect day.
Of course it is hilarious because I married Derrick who is afraid of most rides and the ones he does get on he gets really sick. Bummer.

Oh well, I have the artsy man who takes me to symphonies, ballets, art shows and musicals. Which I love all those things. But now it only happens because of my prompting since as a typical husband he doesn't plan dates anymore (unless it is going to artwalk, which I get bored of month after month). Is that some guy code? Once you are married do the guys make a pact to stop being creative, not plan anything anymore and not want to take their wife on dates?

Day Two- Yummy in My Tummy

Day 2 – A photo of something you ate today.

I LOVE leftovers! They are the gift that keeps on giving and every starving college students desire.

This is from my birthday dinner at Ruby Tuesday last night. I demolished the lobster tail and asparagus last night, but had left over steak, brown-rice pilaf, garlic biscuit and swiped the remains of Grizzly Bear's (dad's nickname I gave him years ago) hamburger. Yum!

Day One- Birthday Bash

Day 1 – A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.

So I already failed getting my blog written for the FIRST day! Ahhh, so typicial of me.

Here is one the photo from my birthday yesterday (which I am counting as my day one)! That is me and my cheeseball I call a husband.

As for my birthday day, it went really well.

I woke up and worked out with Chauncie. Of course her twins felt the need to be held so we both ended up with a baby weight during our dance work out. I was bouncing around so much I thought poor Ileah was goign to puke on me.

Then Jeni surprised me and took me TGIF Fridays for lunch. It meant a lot to me and was so sweet of her to do. But even more awesome is she let me bum at her house until a church meeting. During that time we watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Yeah, we are THAT awesome.

At 6:00PM I had a stake meeting for the Nativity that was quite long. I felt bad since I had to actually excuse myself after an hour and fifteen minutes with no end in sight because I had to make it to the dinner reservations.

At Ruby Tuesday most of us ate the lobster and steak special, opened presents, and bantered each other. Thank you Dad, Karla, Samantha, Amber, Laura (her bday was also yesterday!), and of course, Derrick.

Lastly, Amber, Laura, Derrick and I played a heated game of Apples to Apples with the new expansion pack thanks to Van. And of course, I wiped the floor with them and won;).

Feelings: A Thought

Feelings are a biological function. We have very little control over what we feel. As humans with a conscious awareness of our feelings it astonishing we don't have better handle of them.

Some people might disagree with the idea that we have little naturally controlled feelings. They may argue something like "but our SPIRIT has perfect feelings and it dictates us." Well that isn't so. If our spirit has perfect feelings why did a third of the hosts of Heaven still rebel against God's plan from when before we had a physical body? If our Spirit was perfect why did we have to come to this earth to learn and grow? Why is there still violence and hatred in our world if we have a perfect compass within us?

Our Spirits, while often giving good guidance, are as imperfect as we are; they are imperfect because they are a part of us. But Heavenly Father didn't leave us out in the cold always fighting off the "natural man" if you will. He gave us the Holy Ghost and the Atonement of Christ. The Holy Ghost for those who seek it can fill in the gaps and generate the good feelings we need to be in control when we may not have been otherwise. And even if we falter in a bad, uncontrolled feeling, God gave us the atonement. We have the opportunity to confess our problem to ourselves and others if necessary and be forgiven. We can take that strength and do better.

All the while the Holy Ghost and the Atonement can only go so far in true reconciliation and control. Especially if you suffer mental illness, depression or devastating trials in life this can be so hard and your God knows your specific situation. But in general one has to talk the talk and walk the walk.

We cannot control our feelings, but we can control ALL our actions. We make the choice to act out or be reasonable. We make the choice to do nothing and let negative feelings grow or we confront them. We make the choice of being happy though our actions and deeds.

Through our chosen actions we often alter our own feelings. For example, if you have the blues the last thing you often want to do is go out with your friends. But if you do choose to make the action of going out with good positive friends, you often feel better after, even if just a little.

Another great example is service. For some reason serving others and taking action in the name of others makes us feel good. It is such a conundrum that service often benefits the one giving it the most. For those who volunteer often, it is almost a one percent given that they will say service to mankind, or animal kind, has been one of the best decisions they have made in their own life's no matter how trying it has been and has given them more joy and fulfillment than they could ask for.

The most important example of taking action, often accompanied with service, is prayer and meditation. This is your private and sacred act to yourself and your God. Prayers over time scrub away those bad feelings and open up the channels to Heavenly Father, the Holy Ghost and good energy. If you don't know how to do this just jump in. Pray twice a day for a month and meditate with an open heart while preforming "clean" actions and you will feel a change in your attitude and feelings. And that is something that will make YOU feel right with the world on some, or many levels.

Wise woman named Kim Getscher once told me that "your feelings are the only mortal thing that which no one can take away from you." So are you going make your actions positive which enviably effect your feelings? Because feelings are the only thing that are ours; make your one true possession a good one. We all deserve to be happy.

Stolen- The 30 Day Challange

I struggle to even keep a journal or blog regularly so we will see if I manage to do this challange I copied from Amy Duree. It would be a fun challange for me and maybe you guys will learn a little more about me for subjecting you to it. Feel free to go clepto and take it for yourself too!

Day 1 – A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.
Day 2 – A photo of something you ate today.
Day 3 – Your idea of the perfect first date.
Day 4 – Your favorite photograph of your best friend.
Day 5 – A photo of yourself two years ago.
Day 6 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.
Day 7 – Your dream wedding.
Day 8 – A song to match your mood.
Day 9 – A photo of the item you last purchased.
Day 10 – A photo of your favorite place to eat.
Day 11 – What’s in your makeup bag?
Day 12 – A photograph of the town you live in.
Day 13 – Your favorite musician and why?
Day 14 – A TV show you’re currently addicted to.
Day 15 – Something you don’t leave the house without.
Day 16 – Your celebrity crush.
Day 17 – A photo of you and your family.
Day 18 – Something you crave a lot.
Day 19 – Another picture of yourself.
Day 20 – The meaning behind your blog name.
Day 21 – A photo of something that makes you happy.
Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
Day 23 – 15 facts about you.
Day 24 – A photo of something that means a lot to you.
Day 25 – What’s in your purse?
Day 26 – A photo of somewhere you’ve been to.
Day 27 – A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?
Day 28 – Your favorite movie.
Day 29 – Something you could never get tired of doing.
Day 30 – A photograph of yourself today + three good things that have happened in the past.

Sunny with a Change of Heart

Today has been such a glorious day. Perfectly sunny with a change of heart.

I have been somewhat a reclusive person for the last couple of years. I used to blame it on the unintentional isolation of marriage (with no fault of Derrick), birth control mind control etc. While those might be valid points for fading away they are not the root of the problem.

It finally took until today to see it. Only after confronting death, the possibility of death and having time to live could I internalize who I need to be; who I used to be.

I was so mad at my situation these last couple of months. I took off a semester of school for a job that in the end took several months to hire me. Since it took so long to be hired it meant I could not be in Civic Orchestra or save up for the things I had hoped. Not being in school and without a job I loathed not being structured and not working hard for these last few months. But today I realized becoming a bum was one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

I work so, so, so hard. That is a good thing, but I was substituting work for facing myself. It allowed me to ignore the possible rejection of others. It supported my idea that the only thing that would make me worthwhile in this life is being educated in a hard degree and being successful. It blinded me to the once painful reality that with my chronic illness I may not be here long.

I can be gone any day illness or not. And I have been quite okay with my mortality since I have never felt security in living a long life. I came to terms with it a long time ago. But sitting at Shara’s grave today thinking of her, Patrick, and now Lelagi who have all passed away, I realized how lucky I truly am. Since having always been ill since a very young girl I had made it a point to live my life to the fullest because it may be short. All my friends who have passed away did so suddenly and did not have the chance to come to terms and enjoy their short time in the same way I have. They never had the chance to prepare their loved ones for their passing like I have. How could have I never realized how absolutely blessed I am to have such an understanding of how vulnerable I truly am?

I reconnected with an old friend too. He is very similar to me in our likes and thought. But most notably he has recently discovered he has a disease that most likely will take him young in life. It is surreal talking to him about it sometimes. It is like looking in the mirror. I see the oxymoron of the comfort he feels and the feelings he endures knowing of his short time while dealing with all the physical and mental anguish. I feel empathy, but have little sadness for him. We are both so blessed. We can understand how truly mortal we are to be able to live.

I lost sight of that always being so busy and drowning the pain. While I remained at home and not interfacing with others for the first month or so of my “bum-dom” I was seething with anger and disappointment. But then something inside of me renewed after being so burnt out from pushing myself too hard so that I could ignore my problems and my fears of being close to others or not being successful. I started working out with a friend and we have been getting close. This led to me hanging out with others and inviting them more personally in my life. I then went out on a limb and got to know people I would have been hesitant with previously. I became more open with my husband. I have been more free and visiting others without thought. I am beginning to understand now; I don’t have to protect others from my mortality for what I thought was their benefit.

I haven’t been this happy for a long time. It is funny how the bad things in life often bring out the best things in life. And since I may not have as much life as those around me I hope I will always hold this revelation in my heart and never fear loving my life and those in it again. May that sunshine always be in my heart.