Linguistic woes

Image from here

I had a great strategy for IELTS. I paid the exam fees and borrowed a stack of books and CDs, and planned to prepare leisurely over 2 months. As with most things in life, other matters got in the way and one week prior, I was yet to touch the stuff. Well, the solution was simple... I would just postpone the exam. Unfortunately, not only did this require an additional payment, it would be done only in the case of illness, death of a close relative or being the victim of a crime. 

I just couldn't bring myself to submit a fake medical, so I ended up speed reading through the sections and hoping for the best.

The written test went ok, except for a section of the listening test which involved a chap with a thick Scottish accent explaining how to get a fishing licence. The spoken test was the following day and having looked through some past papers, I was well prepared to speak about my hobbies, books, a favourite movie or TV show etc.

The examiner was pleasant enough, despite having to be there in the midst of a sudden downpour, and undoubtedly suffering from the effects of wet socks. I beamed at him, eager to show off my  superb linguistic skills. After the general chit chat, he proceeded on to the main topic.

John*: What are the principal export products of your country?

Angel : (on autopilot) tea, rubber and coconut**

(dammit! this is what we get from our rote learning oriented secondary education... parrot like repetition of what was learnt 15 years ago)

John : And where are there products exported to?

Angel : (wildly improvising) Um... tea is exported to China the Middle East and Coconut to Singapore and Malaysia. I really cannot remember where rubber is exported (hopes desperate smile will evoke sympathy).

John : Ah... and do you think your country needs to rethink its export policy? One would imagine that there are plenty of coconuts in Malaysia.

Angel : (swearing silently) Errr... we only export the coconut oil to Malaysia. Because of the palm oil industry, they don't produce coconut oil there (at least this is partly true)

John : Quite so. Shall we move on?

Angel : (relieved beyond measure) Of course.

John : Can you name a product manufactured outside your country that you would like to purchase?

Angel : (glibly) oh, I loved the silver earrings I bought in Bali... I would love to buy more!

John : Ah. Can you speak for 2 minutes on that product and why you wish to purchase it?

Angel : (obscure four letter words running riot in head) Um... errr... well... what I like is the intricate filigree work, which is, you know, very intricate (patriotism kicking in) but of course Sri Lankan silver is quite intricate as well and has very delicate filigree work too and... (remembering topic) ... ah but Balinese silver doesn't tarnish (mental facepalm) and the filigree is very intricately delicate too... and (thoughts going haywire) ... errrr... the Balinese silver doesn't have embellishment with gems as seen in Sri Lankan jewelry, but only delicate filigree work which is wonderful because I don't like wearing gem stones (remembers that earrings crusted with the despised gemstones are currently adorning ears) and  ...uh... it's very unusual and I like it, as all women want to wear unique accessories because then all their friends can envy them (realize that have single-handedly sent back the status of women to the 18th century). Um.

John : (eyebrows raised) And do you often purchase this product?

Angel : (completely disheartened) Um... no. Because of the state of the economy, i can't afford to go to Bali.

John : (with indecent haste) Yes, I think we should conclude.

Angel (insincerely) Thank you.

So, after that completely humiliating experience (I mean, how many times can one person mention the words "intricate" "delicate" and "filigree" in a single breath?) I came home, vowing to re-take the exam, even if it meant parting with close to half my salary.

I got my results a few days ago, and unsurprisingly, have scored the least marks for the spoken test. In fact, I was rather insulted by the paltry marks given by the examiner, who obviously does not understand that the auto-wittering is entirely involuntary. Besides, he should not have marked me down for lack of content when my vocabulary contained great words such as "filigree", "intricate" and "delicate".

 However, I seem to have compensated well, as my overall band score is 8.5 (hurrah!)

All's well that ends well... I guess!

________________________

* Not his real name of course

** No gentle readers, I did not remember garments. Even though Darling worked in the garment industry for years. JP's post was just too late!

Crisis!!!

My father and brother have both ingested cyanide.

Please read the info-graphic below while I have a meltdown.

How did this happen? I spent most of this morning pacing up and down... asking myself this question, asking my father this question and yelling this question out to the multiverse in general.

My aunt had sent a food supplement* from abroad... and my dad mistaking it for a fruit snack, ripped open the packet and was liberally offering it to all at home. I declined the first time I was offered, and the second time, my brother told me it tasted vile and was best avoided.

On a chance phone call with my aunt, I find out that this product is actually meant for a relative with cancer, that the active ingredient ("vitamin" B17) is actually cyanide. In addition, there was a warning message on the back of the pack stating "eating 2 or more kernels can cause acute cyanide poisoning".

GAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

By this time my dad has eaten six, my brother two and the Baby's nanny had popped three in her mouth but spat them out because of the taste.

From that moment, I was hyperventilating and in a total frenzy, reading up on the internet, making frantic calls to the National Poisons Centre and blasting my dad for not reading the package or the instructions that they were meant for our sick relative.

Happily, none of them had any acute effects, but I loaded them with vitamin B12 (antidote, usually given by injection) and will be getting their blood tested for a couple of weeks and keep an eye out for nasty effects.

What gives me the shivers is that I could easily have eaten it and it would have passed on to the little Bumtrinket, with disastrous effects. We would have known nothing until she suddenly stopped breathing or her kidneys packed up or something. I was shaking all the time and didn't stop until I burst into tears, hugged her and let all the misery and fear out.

Today's lesson: always ALWAYS check what you eat, especially if it is something new or unfamiliar and keep yourselves safe!

_______________________

* I am not naming it for ethical reasons, i.e. someone may be tempted to try it

Quotable Quotes - part deux

At the risk of turning my blog into an everlasting "I am sooooo fat" whine, I just have to share these...

You've become so fat I didn't recognise you from behind

- Baby cousin on why he passed me on the road without offering a lift

You've doubled in size... I didn't recognize you!

- Family optometrist, while checking Baby's eyes

Are your hormones ok? You're abnormally fat

- Family dentist, drilling into tooth - sans anaesthesia

You haven't gained weight proportionately, your tummy is much flabbier than your butt

- Boss's secretary, trying to find the cloud in the silver lining

I'm not giving you any increments until you get back into shape

- Boss, adding to injury to insult

Seriously... everyone seems to be an expert on my flab.... :/

Messiness

It's been a messy week... and TGIF is all that I can say.

image from here

The Bumtrinket developed an eye problem and even though some people went "nah, can't be!" I was antsy until it had been properly assessed. I mean, it's her vision for goodness sake, how can I risk being complacent? So anyway, that meant a lot of worry and substantial time on hospital and a few more tests we have to get done this weekend.

I then had to turn in a couple of assignments, and two more are due by the end of today.... gah! Having a lot of trouble concentrating and on again-off again headaches.

Worst, I have to go back to work today as my maternity leave is over! Can you believe four months have passed? I should be able to get my leave extended... I'm hoping and praying. It breaks my heart to have to leave her and go and it's been a mad rush to bathe her and express and store milk, worrying all the while. Darling has put leave so that went a long way towards allaying my anxiety.

Adding insult to injury, none of my saree jackets (which fit throughout the pregnancy) fit me any more! I'm just too frazzled to alter them. Thank goodness for ready made jackets!

Will be needing a lot of positive energy today!

Waffling around

Does anyone remember Waffler's? That place down Duplication Road just before you reach the British Council? They used to serve delicious savoury waffles and had an open kitchen so you could see all the yumminess in the making. No? Oh well....

So yes, I had a great birthday, and thank you to all my friends who commented and wished me!

Yes, there was cake, the absolutely scrumptious type made by Mrs. G at Carlville Place... all soft and moist and slathered in chocolate icing. The Bumtrinket couldn't take her eyes off it, and I swear she was drooling all over her little shirt because I was too mean to share it with her! :) Some of my dearest friends popped over, and we had a great time talking about the "good old days". Better yet, Darling remembered how much I love cheese eclairs, and ordered some from Sponge, so my cup was full and overflowing.

Throughout the day, I was craving waffles. I loooo...ove waffles, the savoury ones for preference and used to be a devoted client of Waffler's. Perhaps they went bankrupt after I failed to drop by on a weekly basis. I make nice waffles too... used to, anyway. It seems too much of a hassle these days to clean out the waffle iron, search for the hand mixer, measure out the ingredients etc.

Colombo has many places that offer up waffles, but few that meet up to what I truly desire.Coffee Stop does an ok one, but it's very thick and only has sweet toppings. Thaprobane also offers up waffles during their Sunday Brunch, and these are much thinner and crispier and you have the option of walking around the buffet in search of creative toppings. But this would mean springing Rs.2000/- for the whole buffet and a bit of a waste if you're only interested in waffles.

Coco Varendah serves up a savoury waffle topped with sausages, bell pepper and cheese which is just awful! The dough is heavy and the waffle is hard so you have to chew through it untill your jaw aches. Sensal (Nawala) has freshly prepared waffles which are very nice, but also only have the sweet toppings. Oh, and avoid the caramel sauce at all costs. The Commons also had nice waffles, but the quality has gone down as of late. Waffles etc. at ODEL was also a bit of a let down. I mean, these aren't too bad, but a waffle is basically flour, butter milk and eggs. if you're dishing out Rs. 300-500/- for a waffle, there has to be some value for money.

After much... er... waffling, I decided to give harpo's another chance and try Park Street Mews.

ZOMG!!! Their ham, mushroom and cheese waffle is the best I've tasted... ever! It's quite large and filling, the waffle is crisp around the edges and soft in the middle. The cheese oozes over everything. In the words of Elizabeth Gilbert, I love that waffle so much, I believe it loves me in return. Waffles are only available from 3-7pm, BUT they were nice enough to make a couple from us "after hours".

If you like waffles, then this is a must try!

Agony...

... is when you you get the most terrifying toothache and you're shrieking with your entire jaw on fire

... and the dentist realises that local aneasthetic is not safe for breast-feeding mums

... and then drills through your tooth anyway without aneasthetic!

GAHHHHHH!!!!!

FML

'nuff said

A Seasonal wish...

Whew!

I, gentle readers, am having a whirlwind of a festive season and that whirlwind is taking both Darling and the Bumtrinket along with it.

Best of all, is that my Mum is home for the holidays, though only for a week. It's great to have her around and be able to lie next to her and talk to my heart's content. We're both having so much fun with Baby... loads of hugs and kisses and silly songs involved... Hopefully she'll be back again next month, so that's something to look forward to!

Of course, no celebration is complete without literary fare, so during the past couple of days, I have been digging into these...

Yup, 15 of Roald Dahl's finest titles. The collection was a gift from me to Darling... but it's actually a gift for myself! :)

The Phizwizzing Collection

Now, one cannot live on love, books and fresh air. For the Bumtrinket's first Christmas, we went to a celebration at her great grandfather's place (D's grandfather). I have no pictures of the scrumptious lunch we ate, simply because no one wanted to wait long enough for pictures! However, I need to place on record that Darling's grandma makes THE BEST pork curry I have ever tasted! My humble contribution was a peaches and cream cheesecake, adapted from my secret recipe. Happily, pictures are available!

Yummy!

Scrummy!

And you know what else made my day? My biggest cousin got me my most favourite chocolate ever, because he heard I was hankering after it...

Yes, that is ONE KILOGRAM of chocolate, and no, I am not sharing!

Naturally, the little pipsqueak had to be garbed in a suitably festive manner. Last week, I went a little crazy at baby shops, visiting about half a dozen (accompanied by Baby and the nanny). The stuff cost the better part of Rs. 3000/-, baby clothes seeming to follow the same trend as lingerie, i.e. the smaller it is, the more it costs... You have to admit though, my purchases are oozing with cuteness and the baby was a picture to behold when she was all dolled up to my heart's content!

Finally, Darling and I watched the Hogfather, punctuated in between by feedings, burpings and rockings to sleep.. .

Gentle readers, may you have a festive season full of joy love and good cheer... and wishes for the very best from myself, Darling and Baby!

I'm pregnant... what's your excuse?

Last week saw me waddle into one of the better known 5 star hotels in Colombo. I hadn't been to one of those for some time, and even better, my sense of taste was getting back to normal... so I was obviously looking forward to enjoying the fun, music and the food at the wedding.

We were late, but not late enough to dive into the buffet right away. After about 15 minutes of smiling serenely at the rest of the crowd and swaying gently to the strains of classical music, the hunger pangs hit. It is incredible how quick and intense the sensation of hypoglycaemia is these days... I get irritable, my head hurts, tummy rumbles and Baby does the cha-cha on my internal organs. There was no sign of wedding cake or the welcome drink. I waved frantically at a waiter who was loitering nearby, desperate for sustenance.

Angel (smiling sweetly) : we only just got to the hall, do you think we could have some drinks served to this table?

Waiter (somewhat loudly) : NO

Eh? What??? How dare he... what's wrong with him... can't he see I'm pregnant? I need special treatment...! Hang on.... I'm entitled to a welcome drink, dammit!!

I sit there, massively pregnant, wrapped in my cream silk saree, the voluminous folds making me look more like a beached whale than anything else, and stare up at him in shock.

Angel (stammering) : But why not?

Waiter (miffed) : we have been instructed not to serve drinks, Madam.

...................

...................

??????????

...................

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The penny drops.

@##$@&&****!!!!!

Angel (in a voice so cold that hell would have frozen over) : I meant a welcome drink you moron not an alcoholic drink!

Waiter : Ah... um... sure.... (and scuttles off)

The rest of my unsympathetic table-mates burst out into gales of hysterical laughter. The general consensus was that the waiter has (quite understandably) put down my dimensions to alcoholic cirrhosis!

Hmmmp! I don't get no respect!

Shame on you!! (A tale of irony, failure and blatant discrimination)

And the star player is.... (wait for it ladies and gentlemen) the Ministry of Health!

Image from here

Of course, I need to add a disclaimer that I wasn't a witness to the sordid event, and that I heard it from a number of parties who were present.

Another sunny day in sunny Sri Lanka, a batch of young post-intern doctors, their SLMC registration cards all new and shiny, were attending an orientation programme organised by the Ministry. At one point, an official clambered on to the stage to deliver a lecture on "Communication, public relations and attitudes". Blinking owlishly at the audience, he has proceeded to deliver (very badly) a lecture in Sinhala.

After a short while, the Tamil speaking doctors have requested that he speak in English, as they were unable to follow what he was saying. A reasonable request, one would presume.

At this point, the official has snidely said "if you cannot understand, go outside and wait. You will be given a summary in English as a handout at the end of the lecture".

Stunned and horrified, yet maintaining their dignity, these doctors had walked out, followed by a few of their Sinhala speaking colleagues. Although the majority of the crowd had been outraged, few had the self assurance to join them. However, complaints were made to the organisers, followed by the assurance that this "official" will be pulled from the programme.

However, the drama continued on to the next day, lectures were still delivered in Sinhala, while the Tamil speaking doctors were taken (bussed?) to a different venue, where lectures were in Tamil.

In a time where we all speak of ethnic cohesion and reconciliation, I see this as an insult to all Tamil speaking persons and to all doctors. I see it as a personal insult to myself and my beliefs. I am shocked, disgusted and ashamed... but on further thought, I don't think I'm really surprised.

They talk the talk... but do they really walk the walk?

The rain gods...

...they be unhappy....

Brother blames it all on his rain dancing skills... or lack thereof.

Yesterday's thunderstorm caused our garden to flood, with water seeping in through the crack at the bottom of the back door. There were horrid noises in the night... distant woomps and crash-bangs only hinting at the grim possibilities.

We awoke to find that part of our parapet wall had crashed down (narrowly missing the car) and that sheets have been blown off the roof, which was dripping water into the house. Happily the water had drained away, leaving only muddy floors to be cleaned.

While we gloomily surveyed the wrecked garden (the wall had fallen right on top of Mum's prized red palms and gerberra plants) it started to rain again. And the water started rising. First seeping in through the back door, the water in the front garden also rose to a level that it was coming in. Then it started coming in from the french windows from either-side of the house. Meaning that we were being flooded from all 4 corners. Within half an hour the house was over a foot deep in muddy water and we had all retreated upstairs.

Peering out of the windows, there were snakes swimming about the water!!



Well, they turned out to be eels. From the Diyawanna oya.

I still wasn't risking going down there.

So, we are cloistered upstairts... ignoring the drip drip from one point in the roof and the not-so-remote possibility of having it fall down on our heads.

The only consolation I have is that ironically enough, the internet still works!