Refrigerator Epiphany

I find myself going to the refrigerator over and over again hoping that the next time I open it I will find the perfect snack to curb my cravings. I guess I'm hoping for a perfectly delicious feast complete with mouth watering flavor, an appealing display to grab my tastebud attention through my eyes and of course it would be soundly nutritious to lead my body to my ideal fitness level. I sometimes move things around hoping that this magical meal is hiding in one of the drawers or behind a block of cheese.

That is never what I find. The contents always look the same. Vegetables and greens in the drawers waiting to be cleaned and cut. Eggs and meats needing cooking time and usually a recipe to go along with them. A variety of dairy (milk, yogurt, cheeses) tempting me from the top shelf but seeming incomplete and needing some kind of preparation to turn them into a meal.

It's just more work than I want to put out. I just want to eat.

And to feel satisfied.

I had been breezing through some scriptures that I used in a talk a couple of months back when once again I wandered my way to the refrigerator. I was feeling a little discouraged because my 5 minute tip toe through the scriptures had not resulted in an awe inspiring moment of clarity and instruction for my never ending list of pleadings . . endurance, patience, motherly guidance, self acceptance . . the list goes on. When things don't work out the way I want them to I tend to eat. And once again I found myself staring into the refrigerator.

There, I found my answer. Not in the scriptures but in the refrigerator!

It was very clear to me that everything I needed to make a tasty, healthy and satisfying snack was in there. I just had to take the time to pull it out, prepare it, and enjoy it. It was my own laziness holding me back from tummy satisfaction.

And it was also very clear to me that I have been doing the same with the scriptures, wishing that the perfect answers to my nagging questions would magically appear in bold, italic lettering during my 2 minute stare-off with the pages. I go to them frequently only gazing into them with a blank, lazy peek not wanting to put forth the real effort to find the encouraging, uplifting and guiding feast that I know, from past experience, is in there.

So I once again returned to my scriptures. I still didn't have much time to give to them knowing that motherhood would be calling at any moment, but I was willing to really see and soak in the words and meanings in the pages that I went to. I was immediately led to a scripture, once again from the talk that I had prepared, and felt this time an outpouring of love, a promise of help and as a result a desire to be better committed to feasting on the words of Christ. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jacob 3:1-2

Look unto God with firmness of mind, and pray unto him with exceeding faith, and he will console you in your afflictions, and he will plead your cause . . . lift up your heads and receive the pleasing word of God, and feast upon his love; for ye may, if your minds are firm, forever.

What I must do:
*Look to God
*Pray
*Lift up my head (quit the pity party)
*Go to the scriptures

What I may receive:
*Comfort in afflictions
*Feast upon His Love

The footnote for "if your minds are firm forever" led me to Alma 57:27: "and their minds are firm, and they do put their trust in God continually". Also Alma 37:5: "that as much as ye shall put your trust in God even so much ye shall be delivered out of your trials, and your troubles, and your afflictions, and ye shall be lifted up at the last day".

The phrase "comfort in afflictions" reminded me of the teachings of Alma on the atonement in Alma 7:11: "he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind". Suggesting to me that the Atonement will offer me comfort in my afflictions of self doubt and inadequacy among the other modern day struggles that I sometimes feel as an overwhelming weight that I cannot lift. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So here I sit during the final hours of 2008 avoiding the nagging expectation to set a few goals for 2009. All nagging thoughts put aside, I willingly set just two:

1) trust in God and search more frequently and earnestly in the scriptures
2) quit the refrigerator laziness and make that healthy snack

Popcorn Popping

on the family room floor!

Tonight we carried on our family popcorn tradition. It is a silly race to see who can finish stringing popcorn on their length of thread the fastest to hold the popcorn title for the year. This year we only had 1 bloody finger (LeRoy) from the frantic stabbing of needles into the delicate popcorn. We have carried on this silly tradition for 8 years now with the girls (Erika and I) holding the title every year. To balance things out a bit in the hope of less loser whining we split into 2 equal teams. With Erika frantically tying the finishing knot they won. Levi, Justin and I gracefully landed in 2nd place . . . by only a 3 second margin.

And then Erika started to toss popcorn into LeRoy's mouth.

That inspired Levi and Justin to stuff their faces in the popcorn bowl.

Which prompted a mess that only became bigger.

LeRoy kindly offered to vacuum for us which is a real Christmas surprise for me. I think I've only seen him vacuum maybe twice in 18 years. He did such a spectacular job that I'm wondering if he has been secretly vacuuming when I'm not around.

You may notice that Nathan and Hyrum aren't in any of the previous pictures. Due to the fierce nature of the competition we opted to hold the race after the little guys were in bed. These two have awful sleep habits right now so we often find Nathan snuggled up in Erika's bed because "Hiam won't stop talking". Since Nathan left the room Hyrum was left with his puppy to tell his stories too, which he did until he fell asleep.

Orchestra Concerts

The concerts are my reward for all the whining, eye rolling, sighs that I put up with to get 3 kids to practice their string instruments. I also get to see a brief glimpse of accomplishment and satisfaction as the kids perform, acknowledging that they know they are part of something good and worthwhile.

I was afraid that Derek's concert would be a bit hard on the ears since I had already attended the jr. high and high school concerts. Much to my surprise it was a wonderful concert. The instructor makes all the difference.

Levi and Erika started orchestra when the middle school was trying to find someone to replace the instructor who had retired. They went through 3 intructors in 4 years and it was not good for the students. There was even 1 instructor who bad mouthed the kids and told the audience how aweful they sounded when introducing them at their concert. The program is now in much better hands and growing quickly, not only by numbers but by talent. Each class at the middle school ranges from 92 to 107 students. What an awesome sight to see that many kids working together to play classical, jass, and fiddle music and have a fun time doing it and to see that positive influence carry on as they progress through high school.

Derek and Ryan practice at our house after school about 3 times a week. There is much less whining when a friend is involved!

Yoga Baby

Hyrum has perfected the army crawl and has moved on to Yoga.

Where's Kimber?

Here I am.

I found that the best way to get friends to call and check up on me is to post only once a week.

I'm doing great! We are caught up in a wonderful feeling of Christmas, so much so that when I woke up to a beautiful white layer of snow covering the frozen ground with a fluffy fog limiting our view of the world that awaited us I was even more cheerful. . . and a little worried about Levi driving his rear wheel drive beast of a car to school.

We have had a couple weeks of sickness spreading it's way to each member of the family but we are all finally over it (for today at least) and we are all productively busy with holiday programs and parties.

The last few nights have found us gathered as a family, snuggling in our blankets in front of the warm glow of the fire and tree as we share a few thoughts and stories. It is the perfect bedtime routine!

I have many thoughts that I have quickly typed when stealing a few minutes to myself but they are unedited, emotional, spiritually personal, full of raw descriptions of fears, joy, laughter, and tears. So for now I have left them in the draft files to be printed for my record and when I can pull enough time together (or an all nighter that doesn't require office work) I will share more with my extended friends and family.

Just know that for now I am submitting voluntarily, quietly and joyfully to my call as a mother, wife and neighbor and doing my best to live fully the life I have right now. For some reason I am touched by short term vision which is leaving me wanting to relish every moment with my kids. Suddenly I see that my time with them is so short and I want to store up as many fun, loving, testimony building memories as I can, both for them and for me.

I have not forgotten all of you . . my support system of family and friends. You are all wonderful and I appreciate you checking up on me! I still love the phone calls that allow me to do the everyday tasks of laundry, diapers and dishes while rejuvenating my spirit through chatter that only women can produce and I still need the refreshing laughter of a night with the Bunco girls. Right now that is sufficient and blogging has been temporarily bumped down the priority list.

Here's a list of the extra's that I've been trying to be on time for among all of the usual kids lessons, school, mutual, callings and work. Somewhere in all of this I still have sewing and crafting to do before Christmas gets here.

Mon 8th: Dinner and FHE with neighbors, take dessert
Tues 9th: Teach scouts, Erika teach dance at Burton Elementary
Wed 10th: Meet Heidi about family pictures, chiropractor
Thur 11th: LeRoy to Mackay for 2 days, Levi to SLC with orchestra, appointment in Idaho Falls
Fri 12th: Pick up Levi from SLC trip, Erika Christmas party with friends
Sat 13th: Erika dance festival, start 12 days of Christmas
Sun 14th: Tithing settlement, Missionaries over for dinner, Levi splits with Missionaries
Mon 15th: Neighborhood FHE at Millers
Tues 16th: recipe group at 12, teach scouts at 4, Mom coming, Levi & Erika orchestra concerts,
Wed 17th: Derek's orchestra concert at 7, Bunco
Thur 18th: Justin's Christmas program at school, Bookgroup
Fri 19th: Shopping with kids
Sat 20th: Our company Christmas dinner

It's Here!

My passport came in the mail today!

I have to say I was a little disappointed that they couldn't take that nasty 2x2 picture and photoshop it a little. I have labor and delivery pictures that are better than the one on my passport. My best features aren't really visible when the photographer (if they can be called that when they work at Walgreens) stands only 6 inches from my face. Oh well, on to better stuff . . .

During the last few weeks it has become part of my computer routine to check Travelocity.com in search of the perfectly priced ticket to Peru. I'm hoping that once the holidays are over prices will drop again and then . . . Ready or not Kells, here I come!

Oh, but first I have to get caught up on my immunizations. Uugh.

Thanksgiving

This year my family celebrated Thanksgiving a week early and all met at our house. Since it is rumored that a picture is worth a thousand words, I will just post a few pictures and save the typing. It was loud, it was fun, it was yummy! We missed all of you who live so far away!





Today for our own family Thanksgiving we are all packing around Kleenex boxes, dosing up on vitamins and cold medicine and doing whatever we want. We did enjoy a wonderful lunch complete with homemade rolls and homemade pies (kids special requests).

Kimber - scrapbooking, napping

LeRoy - football, football, more football

Levi - texting and computer time

Erika - reading

Derek - sleeping, reading

Justin - playing with Nathan, reading, computer

Nathan - playing and eating fruit snacks

Hyrum - gnawing on anything that will soothe his sore gums

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

I actually didn't take one picture the whole weekend. Thanks Kara, Cami and Kate for taking and sharing the pics.

"Hey mom, can my friends come over?"

I used to dread this question. I was always worried that:

* the house was a big mess (as if a group of kids would even notice before adding to the mess),

* I would probably still be in my jammies, which means no bra,

* the schedule was too packed,

* it would interfere with dinner,

* homework and music wouldn't get done

Now I say, "pish posh, come on over". Not that the house is clean or the schedule is any less busy but I do try to be dressed for teenage company, aka: wearing a bra. Most nights the extra kids end up staying for dinner and now and then my kids don't get their music practiced and are up until late doing homework. The wonderful trade off is that I know where my kids are, what they are doing, and who they are hanging out with. And though it has put a bit of a dent in the food budget around here, the freezer is stocked with frozen quickies approved by the teens which draws them here even more. LeRoy and I are in agreement that it is a small price to pay to know the who, what and where answers. I have had to get used to the sound of 3 electric guitars "practicing" in the basement but the laughs that come with it are worth it!

For a while we were having complaints from our kids that our family is boring and no one would want to come over because we don't have a trampoline or the latest video games (or any video games for that matter). A trampoline is in the future plans but we are glad that we stuck to our original feelings about not having video games because the kids are doing so many creative, imagination things instead of sitting in front of a screen.

Derek, Justin and their friends have had strategic battles in the backyard, bruised up their shins playing soccer, played string instruments for fun, built iron man costumes out of boxes, spray paint and lights and spent hours playing "real" monopoly in our basement. Levi and his homies usually have practice here but they also enjoy pool, foosball, handstand contests and teasing Nathan (which he loves). Erika and her friends are usually gawking at the boys, taking walks around the neighborhood to be visible to the boys, looking at boys in magazines and talk, talk, talking about boys.

Our home is only quiet from midnight to 6am.

Here is a typical view of my entry way. Only one pair of those shoes actually belong to feet that live here.

Erika's Birthday

I can't believe she is 15!!

This year brought 3 days of celebration for Erika. Her friends went all out to decorate her bedroom door while she was gone, decorate her locker, sing to her at school (2 boys!!) and they all gave her plenty of luvin.

The morning of her birthday I had an idea, ran with it, it grew and grew and turned out better than I had hoped. With the help of the seminary teacher, orchestra teacher and kids in her dance class (and no help from the snotty lady in the office) I was able to have 3 deliveries surprise her and also put her at the center of the attention for just a minute. If my mom had done this when I was a freshman I would have been mortified but Erika absolutely soaks in the attention. I guess it might appear to be a little manipulative but I was secretly hoping that she would get the that no matter how much your friends love you and adore you, momma loves you more and will go the extra mile to show it.

Here's what I put together, while dragging along Nathan and Hyrum at 8:45 in the morning. I had to just see what was available, put it together in the Yukon (of course take a quick picture like a blogger junkie would do) and rush it to seminary just as the bell rang. Then I made 2 more trips into town to have the other 2 delivered. I could have left it all at the office and had them deliver it at the times I requested but I put to much effort into it, not to mention the sacrafice that Hyrum and Nathan put forth in the way of patience while strapped in their carseats, to have the office not do as I requested. The lady in the office was so snotty about doing it that I took matters into my own hands and worked out the deliveries another way. The teachers were awesome!

When she got home her hands were overflowing with birthday loot, I got a big hug and a "your so awesome" and it was all worth it!
The our FHE for the night was all about Erika. Her favorite meal, stories of Erika, a triple chocolate cake, blowing the candles out which she claims is proof of no boyfriend (yeah right), and a silly evening together.

Nathan Silliness

Nathan came to me with a towel on his chin declaring, "need help, it's bleeding". I quickly checked it out, found no blood and asked him if he got hurt. He announced emphatically, "Zerg shot me, I need a band aid".

Maybe he has watched Toy Story one to many times.
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Last week he got into Erika's liquid eye liner. How's that for a Charlie Chaplin look?

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I was busy making tortilla soup and picking all the meat off of a rotisserie chicken; Nathan was standing on a chair watching me. I left for just a minute to rescue Hyrum from the loneliness of his bedroom. When I returned to the kitchen I found Nathan sitting on the island 'helping' me with the chicken.

And he stole my avocado!

Trips

My best accessory right now is the diaper bag. I seem to be going all over the place. My little boys are doing great to keep up with the family run-a-round; meals are a little sporadic; I've had fun and not quite lost my mind yet.

Utah - I left for Utah last Friday. The trip was a perfect celebration of birthday-ness, shopping, talking and I even had 2 full nights of sleep. It was the first time that I left my little Hyrum behind. Just me out on my own. The day started with many mini adventures. I didn't even get out of town before the birthday celebrations began, by the side of the road, as I met a friend in the drizzling Rexburg weather for a dose of birthday luvin'. I then traveled on: relaxing to an hour and a half massage (ooohh, so nice!); my cell phone dying and me with no charger; a brief detour through Pocatello to pick up pictures that I had sent there by e-mail; memory lane through Pocatello as I scanned all the new shops on old familiar roads hoping for a Radio Shack; a sudden realization that I hadn't eaten in 5 hours which resulted in a brief stop to feed the stomach and starve the headache. Once I got my cell phone charged I was able to check messages, which included 3 singing birthday-grams, and enjoyed 3 phone conversations with family members. It was the best trip ever from Pocatello to Arimo! You all made the day a fantastic one - Thank You! And the weekend was equally wonderful.

Fire Station - Nathan, Hyrum and I forged through the windy, rainy, blustery Monday weather for a field trip with the Mom and Me group to the Rexburg Fire Station. Nathan was in awe with the big trucks, flashing lights and 'real' fire jacket.

The Repair Man made a quick trip to our house. I stuck towels in the dryer Monday night around 10 pm and at 5:30 am the dryer was still running. Luckily it was a quick fix. Not so grand was the $263 it cost to fix it, darn heating element and timer! Maybe I shouldn't have spent so much in Utah . . . nahh, I'm glad it happened after my trip.

Justin's Veteran's Day Program was impressive. I was a bit frazzled getting there because of the repair man/dryer delay and trying to get the boys there during nap time but it was worth it. I'm always in awe (and near tears) when these kids belt out the songs they have worked so hard on. How do they teach them so many songs in such a short time and have them sing it so perfectly for performance time? The patriotic themes always get to me and having so many family members serving in the military tugs at my emotions even more.

Cub Scout Field Trip to the Standard Journal - an interesting, learning experience. I could have stayed longer if the 5 rambunctious 9 year olds had been having as much fun as I was. Some days their attention spans seem to match that of my 2 year old. I did enjoy rummaging through the newspaper archives with the boys to read about the Teton Flood, World War II, old ads, and compare the prices of homes, food and clothing then and now. I also really love the old musty smell of preserved paper in a basement. I'm a little weird that way. The 'old' smell translates to my brain that it is worth looking into.

My errand trip into town this week was packed tight. Once again the little boys were very patient. Bribing and singing really help. Here's a copy of my list:

Optometrist for contact cleaner

Jewelry Stands to Terra

Post Office - stamps, boxes

Credit Union $$$

Ace Hardware - thermometers

Distribution Center - Conference Ensign

Library - late book

Shaw's - scout stuff

Adams' - scout stuff

Broulims

Title Company

Nature's Nook - agave nectar

And 4 other things that I decided could wait because the boys really wanted out of the Yukon/Carseat Prison.

I took a trip down memory lane

as I watched my teenagers leave essays and projects until the last possible minute to do them, then stay up all night brainstorming. I can't really be upset about it, I've been there, and I understand the insanity. Sometimes the best work is done after midnight.

Derek did a really great book report box complete with pictures, 10 questions to ask the class, 10 vocab words, 5 items to 'show and tell' for his presentation, and a summary of characters, setting, conflict, climax and resolution. After he practiced his presentation on me I actually wanted to read the book.

Levi has a major biology test coming up and the two of us have spent nearly 2 hours studying just the vocabulary. I think I'll be spending quite a bit more time with Levi through next week because the school changed the policy and now he has to take the finals in every class. Since we seem to learn, memorize and study the same way we make a good pair. It also helps me to realize that he really is studying and if the grade comes in less than what we hope for it isn't from lack of full effort.

Trips I didn't take include gymnastics, dance, mutual and older scouts. Lucky me, I have Levi as a willing chauffeur.

Chillin'

I've taken a bit of a holiday this past week just reading and relaxing with the kids. Somehow I've still managed to get all the required daily house and office tasks accomplished. Here's a peek at our past week.

Beautiful Scenery. Erika's photo abilities were proven on this very cloudy, rainy day when suddenly the sun peeped through the dark clouds to light up the land in a golden hue.

Brain Exercises. We found a couple of puzzles at DI, set the card table up in the living room to be able to leave the puzzles out and everyone has taken turns helping. It can be frustrating trying to find 1 piece in 500 that goes where it needs to but also a little addicting when you finally start fitting them together. I was surprised to see each of the kids spend time on it, especially Levi. Even LeRoy sat still for a few minutes to work on it.

Reading. I've finished 4 books in the last week. All youth reads, so nothing stretching the limits of my knowledge or imagination, but it was relaxing and enjoyable to be reading what the kids are reading and discussing the books with them.

Book Thief by Markus Zusak

City of Ember and People of Sparks by Jeanne Duprau

Double Identity by Margaret Peterson Haddix (Shadow Children Series)

Stake Conference

A Few Nuggets:

(from Elder Hammond)

* Our youth are "drenched in destiny, they just don't know how wet they are!" and "their greatest weakness is that they don't know how great they are". Somewhat of a different take on the "chosen generation" that we have heard since I was a youth. A reminder that we need to live up to it, both as their parents and as the youth of the chosen generation.

* We don't want to be "fringe" members. He shared with us a personal story of watching an antelope herd being stalked by wolves and which of the antelope would be picked off. It wasn't those in the heart of the herd but those on the fringe of the herd. He then elaborated on where we stand and how Satan picks off those who are on the fringe and undecided or not quite committed to living fully the commandments. Where do we stand in the gospel?

* Choose ye this day: this I will do/this I will not do, this I am/this I am not

* He also shared a story of going to a lake on a hot summer day and dipping our toes in the water to see how cold/warm it is before we jump in. The challenge put to us is to take the plunge into the gospel, not to be toe dippers.

A Few Details:

Today we attended a combined stake conference with the Sugar City Stake at the Hart building on campus. During the meeting they released most of the stake leaders in the 2 stakes, created a new stake taking several wards from both our stake and the Sugar stake, and called/reorganized 3 stake presidencies.

It was a very long session of conference being in our seats for 3 hours and taking 45 minutes to get home because of all the traffic but it was an uplifting session as well. The music spoke directly to my soul as the choir sang an arrangement of "I Stand All Amazed". It carried through the Hart building in such an inspiring way that the entire room (packed tight!!) was silent - even the babies. Both Nathan and Hyrum were so good today that we didn't even have to leave the meeting, a record that he have not yet met during sacrament meeting.

Our new stake president is someone that I have never met and yet I was drawn to him immediately. He reminded us that we each have a temple story, even our kids do, and to share our temple stories with one another. Whether it be the chandelier in the Celestial Room, the murals on the walls of the ordinance rooms, directing traffic in the freezing cold weather, helping with booties, attending the open house tour or our first time attending a session there.

Our current bishop was called to be one of the counselors in our new stake presidency. I was a little sad about this, not realizing until that moment how attached I have become to him as our Bishop. Since I met Bishop Hayes in January I have grown to really appreciate his leadership and wonderful support and concern for our youth. I was also struggling with the fact that they left our ward in Hibbard as the only ward in our area, all of the other wards being on the far east side of town. It really didn't make sense to me.

Then our Bishop, now a member of the stake presidency, shared his testimony. He was extremely emotional as he shared with us his sustaining support of these boundary changes. My silent grumbling was brought to a calm halt as I listened to him share his testimony and I felt that no matter how odd the changes may seem, that Heavenly Father is leading in this change and that there is a purpose for doing it this way. Bishop Hayes told us that the original Hibbard ward was called the Island Ward because it was surrounded by the forks of the Snake River. Now we are somewhat back to that - the Island Ward - because we are completely separate from all the other wards in our stake.

So now our ward members have a week of guessing, wondering, speculating and maybe even a bit of nervousness as we prepare to sustain a new bishopric. Changes, changes everywhere!

A Happy Halloween

Blogger doesn't want to upload my pictures today (maybe having a day of rest??) so if you want to see pictures from our Halloween fun go here . . . Halloween.

If you ask Nathan what he was for Halloween he replies, "Tigger buddies with Dad, bounce, bounce, bounce". He made it all the way around our 1/2 mile neighborhood, said trick-or-treat and thank-you at each house and fell into bed (without me even knowing it) promptly at 8:00.

Erika was great to answer the door for most of the evening, being the perfect hostest commenting on the creativity of each costume and loading everyone up with sweets. Justin, Derek and Erika ended up at the neighbors house for a late night party of games, spooky movies and mounds of junk food, as if the buckets of candy they had weren't enough. Derek made fingers for the party, Justin made Oreo spiders.

Levi and 5 of his buddies entertained our family from 3:45 until 8:00 with handstand contests, made up games testing their manhood, electric guitar serenades, foosball and pool tournaments, spunky banter at the dinner table and other unmentionables. For dinner we had 6 boys near the 6' height range seated around the table with Nathan and the rest of us ate at the island. It was quite a sight. I picture these boys all gathering around as one by one they leave for and return from missions.

I ate all the junk I wanted, got sick from it, and remembered why I don't do that, or at least why I shouldn't. Darn those Peanut MnM's and Tootsie Rolls! Even with the late night tummy ache this Halloween is rated my favorite. A beautiful sunrise, a nature walk with my little boys, plenty of laughter and neighborhood fun, a visit from our favorite Halloween dressers, LeRoy and I enjoying our own alone time movie night waiting for teenage curfew, and the next morning to sleep in - that's the way to do a holiday.

Sunrise

This is the view we enjoyed while eating breakfast this morning.

1 Year Anniversary

This night one year ago LeRoy and I knelt in prayer asking what we were to do. One week prior our neighbor sold her house - in 3 days - and we had been offered the same on ours. We had no intention of moving in the near future, we were deciding how to remodel the bathroom and our bedroom, and I was settling in for the winter with the thoughts of a new baby coming in the spring.

Halloween day 1 year ago the kids were getting ready to go trick-or-treating and LeRoy and I were sitting at the kitchen table with the real estate agent signing papers to accept the offer . . . and a new year began. One week later, on my birthday, we signed all the closing papers. Three days following that I turned in floor plans to the architect. Withing 3 weeks they were digging the basement and so it continued. I remember vividly the feelings of guidance, as if we were being led by the hand and shown exactly what to do next. We knew it was Heavenly Father placing us where he wanted us to be next. I spent most of Hyrum's pregnancy making decisions about the house and thinking that I was just so ready to leave that old house behind. I didn't even plan on looking back.

I have a confession: since moving here I have driven past the old house at least once a week, either the front road to see the front of the house or the new back road to see the back yard. During the first month after we moved I probably drove past it multiple times during each week. I kept telling myself that it was silly, that there wasn't anything there that I missed (and hoping that the new renters didn't think I was stalking them).

Tonight I realized why I have had trouble giving it up. It isn't the house, I know all that needed to be done to it. It isn't the location, I love living outside of town. As I drove past it tonight a flood of emotion slammed into me. I could smell the kitchen, I could hear the dishwasher running, I knew exactly how I would have tiptoed from the back door to the bedroom to avoid all the squeaks in the floor. I suddenly had a clear understanding that it wasn't the walls or neighbors that I was homesick for, it was my own cushion of memories that I felt I had left behind, as if they were still sitting in a box in the basement waiting for me to go get them.

During the 7 years that we lived there, our family grew in amazing ways. There were baptisms, blessings, teeth lost, braces, gymnastics, the dog, raspberries, mowing that plush green yard, planting and harvesting the garden every year, the wind blowing through the trees that we had planted, the cat, kids playing on the huge slide that I was sure would break someone's arm, Grandma Hawkins staying with us for a week, the big Fullmer family reunions that filled the yard and house, birthdays, sunburns that came as a result of hours spent in the inflatable swimming pool, 7 Christmas mornings, sicknesses that we survived, the struggle of starting our own business, 2 car accidents, multiple callings in the ward, 6 New Year's Eve parties, remodel projects, and the joy of receiving a long awaited answer to prayers that resulted in Nathan and Hyrum joining our family.

I remember the Sunday of Hyrum's birth this last March and the peace, joy and love that I felt hugging us from heaven. Then Monday came and I immediately started thinking of the move, packing, arranging help . . and I remember crying for the next 3 months. I see pictures from that time and I don't remember much of it. I feel cheated out of really living and relishing Hyrum's infancy. Part of me feels like I walked out on one of the most beautiful, defining moments of my life and I keep looking back trying to find it's memory, as if it has been deleted by our change in scenery.

The move came quickly and suddenly I was living in a strangers house. I experienced great guilt at living in such a new, big place, feeling like I was undeserving. And I remember crying. I was constantly raining emotion from physical pain, homesickness, guilt, loneliness, inadequacy and experiencing all of that in a home that I didn't feel was mine. For 2 months we tip-toed around this beautiful building waiting for the community to admire it. Then when the Parade of Homes was over we were finally able to start making memories of our own, in our house.

Now I am doing much better. Having had major messes in the house, writing on the walls, arguments, silly moments, much laughter, friends over, sicknesses, a leaky pipe, a flooded toilet, hand prints on windows, gum in the carpet, fingerprints on the light switches and the holidays coming on it is finally starting to feel like ours. I have also truly learned that a better house doesn't make better memories. I hope that doesn't sound ungrateful, snobby, preachy or trite. I do appreciate that we have all the room we need (and then some), I enjoy having a garage, I am grateful for my roomy kitchen that accommodates all the extra teenagers so well, but I must admit that the memories we made in our cramped 70's home had nothing to do with the house and everything to do with each other, our family. No matter where we are it is the gospel of Jesus Christ, the laughter, sorrow, joy, sickness, sharing, caring, serving and love that make up our eternal family. Not the house.

I'm still a bit homesick. I miss that cushion of memories and I haven't figured out how to visit those memories without still feeling a loss . However, I am finding that as we continue to grow as a family in this house that this becomes home and I feel that at some point my memories will just all mesh together. Not part of this house or that house but just part of our family history.

"He really does answer our prayers" . . .

was Justin's comment.

To preview this statement: I lost my ring. The ring that I love. The ring that LeRoy gave to me for our 15th wedding anniversary to replace the wedding ring that I had never been to fond of but didn't tell him for about 12 years.

It had been getting very loose on my finger so I had to be careful when drying my hands with a paper towel that I didn't throw it away. Or even just cleaning up, doing normal things throughout the day. And one morning it was gone.

I knew that the night before I had been twisting it on my finger while reading and that I hadn't gone anywhere from the last time I remembered it to the time that I noticed it was missing so I knew it was somewhere in the house . . . or the garbage. I picked through 4 garbage cans looking for it, I checked my laundry basket wondering if it came off when I undressed. Nothing.

After 2 days of secretly searching I finally told LeRoy and he started the prayer brigade. All of the kids were praying for it during family prayer, we prayed to find it during our personal prayers and still, nothing. I was beginning to wonder how long you pray for something before you finally accept the fact that the material possession you are praying so hard to find is really gone. It's just a ring right?

Nine days later . . . Justin found my ring! He was playing in Nathan's room with the 2 little boys and saw it laying on the floor by Nathan's bed. After the initial excitement of putting it on again, calling LeRoy to let him know, giving Justin a big hug and nearly tearing up, I took the time to wonder how it got there. Could it have just fallen off? Did I absent mindedly take it off while changing diapers? Did Nathan find it somewhere and stick it in his pocket like he does with all of the little treasures he finds? Does it matter? Our prayers had been answered.

It was so nice to kneel as a family and have Justin (it was actually his turn to say the prayer) give a moment of gratitude to our Heavenly Father "for answering our prayers and helping us to find Mom's ring". Yes, a material possession found, but more importantly a gospel principal and promise witnessed firsthand.

Pumpkin Carving FHE

Last night we carved our pumpkins for FHE. It was a glorious mess with wonderful results.

Having been up since 5 am, struggling with a headach and trying to ignore the beginnings of a head cold, I was not really in the mood to carve a pumpkin. But the kids insisted. All I could think about was that I wanted to go to bed. Rather than carve a bed into my pumpkin I settled on a night-time sky.

These have been a hit at our house . . check out this recipe for delightfully disgusting Finger Foods :)

LeRoy's Photo Shoot . . .

A few months ago an artist in our area, Gregg Thorkelson, asked LeRoy if he would come to his home for a couple of reasons. We did work for Gregg a couple of years ago so just thought it was for more work, which it was, but he also wanted to photograph LeRoy in a variety of poses for some artwork he was doing. The final paintings would be hung in a church (not LDS faith).

It was fun to get the CD of all the pictures and to see the steps taken to get the project finished. He begins by doing many shots of several people, placing the cutout figures in a rough sketch, doing a pencil sketch and then the finished painting.

It's not intended for the final painting to look like it has LeRoy in it - he was just used for figure placement and posing. LeRoy did think it was kind of funny that for each person he represents, Gregg covered in his bald spot.

You can also look at the pictures here to see them more clearly . . . Picasa Album

And also watch for Gregg Thorkelson work in the church magazines. He does quite a bit of artwork for the magazines and has done several book covers as well. And if you want beautiful portraits of you children to hang in your home he does a beautiful job of those. Not that we have put out the money for that but we have another friend who has and they are fantastic!

My Precious One

I needed something relaxing, calming, out of my ordinary day routine to do so I looked up the piano music for this song, printed it, practiced and learned it and it provided me with such a peaceful, memorable hour. (To listen to the song, start the playlist at the right of the blog.)

It was also the first time I have played the piano since we moved into our house . . 6 months ago. I didn't even know that I was missing it.

I first found this song around the same time that I started blogging. When I found it I remember leaning back in my office chair, rubbing my 7 month pregnant belly and letting the tears come. I was pregnant so of course I would get teared up but it really is a beautiful song. It is more than just the words or music that I enjoy, it is the reminder of the emotions and memories that I feel when I hear it that I love even more.

As I think back on this memory, the word "Cherish" comes to mind. It brings back a time of me feeling inadequate to bring another child to this world followed by an overwhelming outpouring of love, encouragement, appreciation and support from my Heavenly Father. I felt completely cherished by my Heavenly Father and in turn it renewed and strengthened in me the desire to really cherish each of my children.

And I must admit that I miss that feeling of being in complete harmony with "the plan" in bring another baby to his mortal body. I can't say that I miss being pregnant, just the feeling of being everything to someone, knowing that his very life was dependent on me and sacrificing my comfort, body, emotions, and time and even putting aside the opinions of society to give him a chance to prove himself in this life.

The Never Ending, Rotating Project . . .

Our whole family has contributed hours, labor, lifting, and ideas to this project. I am so grateful for the extra money that came in the way of a refund that could be put 100% into our storage. I also feel very blessed to have the enthusiasm and support of my husband and kids. It truly is a family project. We work on it together, we enjoy it together. This is one of my favorite things to work on!

The everyday foods. The easiest stuff to rotate :D

The 'cold storage' under our porch. Nathan felt he needed to be part of this picture.

LeRoy and Derek built these shelves. The top is our 72 hour emergency stuff: 7 backpacks ready to go, emerg. food bucket, first aid bucket and water.

Paper products, diapers & wipes, soaps, deoderants, lotions, vitamins/meds and all the kitchen stuff (foil, bags, dishsoap)

It isn't a year supply but it sure feels good to have this much together. It is so nice to have it all organized so that I know the areas we need to work on. Having a pantry upstairs also helps. Our current project is the deep freeze. I have a list of what I would like to add and we all watch out for sales. It is so funny to have one of the kids tell me that something is on sale. I don't think they have ever been aware of the price of food until we started this project together.

Woe is me, for I am undone (Isaiah)

Laundry - not done
Dishes - not done
Dusting - not done
Vacuuming - not done
Bathrooms clean - not done

Play with babies - done
Hugs - done
Story time - done
Listening - done
Me time - done
Honey Do's - done

Another day - DONE!

The Tale of Two Frogs

Kara told me of a book she was skimming through while standing in a line at Kinko's. The idea of the book was to eat your biggest frog in the morning with the "frog" being the task that looms over you, you put off and really just want to ignore. Then you can move on with the day without that 'frog' constantly in the back of your mind. It falls into the same theory as "how do you eat and elephant?". One day at a time.

So I have realized that I have 2 frogs.

My first frog is the one that is completely neccessary and must be done no matter what else is going on. My problem is that I tend to put it off until the last minute or end up staying up until all hours of the morning trying to digest the bugger. That would be my office - the paper/money side of our company. Unless I do my part it doesn't matter how many hours LeRoy works his tail off, it would fail. Of course he would hire another secretary before that would happen but the point is: I just need to do it, consistently. So during the last couple of weeks, having this frog theory in my head, I have done much better. I get the morning phone calls, faxes, banking and invoices done by (hopefully) 10am and then the rest of the day is for my kids, home, husband and me - which is another set of frogs altogether. The rest of the office stuff gets done between 9-11 pm. So really I go to work twice a day, with the phonecall part of it throughout, and it is really working better for me.

My other frog is the exercising that I really do want to do but struggle to find the best time to do. I now have that in good order as well. I actually enjoy 'eating this frog' for 2 reasons. 1) I do feel much better when I work out consistently and 2) I don't have it nagging me all day long when I just get it done first thing in the morning. My favorite time is 5:45 am. No one bothering me, no phone, and no one watching.

And now that my elliptical is finally here and put together I get to begin a new love/hate relationship with this frog. It was so great to work out to the point of a sweaty shirt, tight feelings in my chest from a great cardio workout and no foot pain from impact cardio. I love it already, but wow does it make me work!

So what frog do you need to eat first thing in the morning??

Sesame Street Remote Control

While Kara was at our house and while we were at Kara's house, Nathan packed around Max's toy remoted control. . . the whole time (sorry Max). He was quite addicted to the thing and all of it's funny sayings and sounds, especially Cookie Monster and Grouch. I intended to get one for him while we were in Utah (not sold at Walmart in Rexburg) but I talked myself out of it. Mostly it was just another stop in a rather quick trip.

Kara solved that for us. Nathan received a package in the mail yesterday, along with his free book that comes once a month from the Dolly Parton Imagination Library. He wasn't sure what to open first so I suggested the book, partly because I didn't know what Kara had sent and I assumed it was something that we left at her house. We read his book while the box was sitting on his lap - oh the self control that boy has! As soon as we turned to the last page he said "All done, open present".

At first he was a little puzzled, squelching his initial excitement, and matter of factly questioned, "Max's remote??" When I told him that Kara had sent it just for him - to KEEP!, oh the excitement started to ooze.

I hope Christmas goes over this well.

THANKS KARA!!

He even slept with it last night, I know from the Sesame Street voices and sounds that randomly went off during the night, probably from him rolling over.

An Apple a Day . . .

I've found something that Hyrum can munch on and hold by himself.

The apples off of Mom's tree were just the right size for his chubby little paws.

Lip smackin' approval