Shit

哑巴吃黄莲.

Yeah, I shouldn't have agreed.
Should've known that you'll not be able to put aside your "must do-s"
Should've expected that under stress, you'll fall back into the same condition, excuse.

Damn.

I feel bad. But I also feel unjustly blamed.

I know there's sth bothering you. But what is it exactly?
If we find out, will you become better?

Shit. I need some space.

Change

And so it happened. The thing that a lot of us don't want to happen has happened.

Should I say that it has always been lurking at the back of my mind?

I totally understand her decision. And as a sibling, I fully support her decision.

It's not an easy decision to make. And I admire and applaud her for doing it.

But I can't help but feel trepidation, unease and fear. Of the unknown. Of the future.

As much as I have my reservations about the org, I want to see it to continue flourishing. And with her gone, I'm not sure where we stand and where we're heading.

It's partly true that we can't handle it. Given that we're all young, and it's always a plus to have someone more matured to lead us. But I also believe that when change happens, we'll step up to the plate. I guess that's what she means too. And it's also to push for the clique to be more committed. God knows how long she has been taking on so many responsibilities of theirs on her shoulders.

I'll definitely miss her. I'll miss her influence, her wisdom, her opinions, her leadership, her kindness, her thoughtfulness and her passion.

How will things change for me? Now that my anchor and shield is going away? Will I be able to still stand my ground without being offensive/defensive? Or will I learn to be congruent?

I feel pressured. Though I'm aware that I'm not obligated to. Still, because I wanna do better, because I want our students to get the best from us, I can't help but feel pressured.

I'm overthinking it again. Pessimism, go away.

Positive things to think about are:
1. I'll grow and learn more.
2. I'll learn to cope better.
3. There'll be a lot of things to learn.
4. 有好戏睇. Things are gonna be interesting. Hah!

J, as much as I'll miss you, I fully support you. You've taught me so much. You have taken quite a bit of crap from me too. Sorry. Words can never express how thankful and grateful I am to you. All the best to you and your family.