Words cannot express what I'm feeling right now, I don't think it ever will. I seem to be writing the same thing, drawing the same thing, thinking the same thing even. There is no change. I crave for a change, a different setting, a different story to write, a different painting to paint. Just a different thing. All this while.. things have been going in the same monotonous way as always and now I want a bit of color in there.
Have you ever known how it is to be clueless? To have no idea, absolutely none at all, about what is going to happen the next few hours even? I have. It is horrid, truly heart wrenching and unbearably frightening. It's as if someone led you into a small room and turned off all the lights and now all you can see if black. Black above you, black below you and black all around you. Its useless to try feel your way out, its too disorienting. You cannot understand if your standing on your head or on your feet. And you cant see even though your eyes are wide open. And better yet, every few minutes something falls or raises or vanishes completely in that room. You cant even map it in your head. It's all way too confusing. And oh so very very frightening.
I keep trying to pull myself out of that room, but the more I try, the more my reach is off the mark. I keep thinking that just a small, even if for a split second, if I am allowed to the light I will just be able to run out of that room and destroy it so that it may never capture me ever again. But unfortunately even after I got a chance to see the light I couldn't pull myself out of that damned room. In fact I feel as if I'm being pulled in further and further in and I don't know whether I'm going willingly or not.
I'm scared, so scared in fact, that to keep my fright at bay I sleep. This way at least I know. I know what is happening. I can direct my dreams, and at least over here.... I Know.
