Wreaths Apparently Make Me Super Happy

I am in love love love with the book wreath I made.

See! Isn't it the cutest ever?




It's amazing. I don't know where I'll hang it yet but it's freaking fantastic.

Big thank you to Living with Lindsay and her great tutorial on how to make the wreath.

Here are the reasons I like this so much and why it turned out looking good:

1. NO MEASURING!

2. The steps are roll and glue. The end. Love it!

3. Hot glue is my friend (except when the bugger burns the crap out of my finger tips).

4. It was super cheap...under $3 but would have been $1 if I had the acrylic paint.

5. It matches my color scheme in my house...Just wait, the pictures of the paint, curtains, throw pillows and other decor coming soon.

6. It was super easy.

Book Wreath

Oh.My.Heck.

I'm so making one of these wreaths.

And guess what, I have plenty of old books sitting around my house. Instead of these books taking a trip to the D.I., they'll be taking a trip onto my wall.

Wahoo crafts!

Just Do This...

Call the Nestle Crunch Hot line at 1-800-295-0051. When you are asked if you want to continue in English or Spanish, just wait quietly for about 10 seconds and you will get a good laugh. Then press 4 for options and go through the menu. So funny!

"I'm Going to High Five the Crap Out of Your Mouth."

My sister's friend said that today.

I just wanted to remember.

Head Sweaters

You've probably noticed these...

if you don't live under a rock. My question is "Why are they so cool?"

While shopping today I counted 26...26!...people wearing these things. I'm sure there were more but I was busy finding amazing deals on things people didn't want before Christmas.

Do you really want to cover your ears with a headband?

Why do you also cover your forehead with a headband?

While you're thinking about that, why do you cover your hair with a headband?

And what are they called? My sisters and I labeled them "Head Sweaters."





BTW, I'll probably be wearing one of these within a few months.

Scary Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

I was just checking out Sketchy Santas. If you are going to see Santa and he looks anything like one of these guys,



YOU NEED TO GET OUT! Something bad is going to happen.

And by the way, many of these Sketchy Santa pictures are sketchy because of the person sitting on Santa's lap, not the Santa. Like this one for example:

(all photos courtesy of Sketchy Santas)

P.S. Santa

If you can find it in your budget this year, I'd also like a car with 4 wheel drive and wind shield wipers that work. I think this would work:

Saul the Saturn is hating this snow and ice.

Sew Easy!

I made the scarf and it was actually pretty easy. For those of you who actually know how to sew, you could probably do it while grilling salmon, sorting your recycling, and teaching your cute baby to speak Mandarin Chinese.

Here are some tips that will make your life easier if you decide to follow this tutorial (hurry! It's only up for a limited time!) and make your own:

1. Have one of these mat things.


2. Use this kind of cutter (not crappy scissors).


3. Measure.

4. Don't get as impatient as I got and just hurry through it.

5. Did I say measure?

6. Actually plan out where you want your ruffles. Don't just start sewing.

Well, here it is, my so cute scarf. Thanks for the great idea Vanessa!



I tried to do a full body model-esque shot by using my self timer but I kept getting weird angles and headless shots so I did this instead.

Crafty Blog Ladies

I am OBSESSED with crafty blogs.

I think my fascination with these wonderful crafts comes from the fact that I cannot do crafts well so I like to look at all these lovely things and pretend that "if I had time" I'd totally be able to make things of the same caliber.

The first crafty blog I found was Made. Dana is a freaking crafting/sewing genius! I blogged about her so cute stuff here.

Dana is now a part of So You Think You're Crafty. This is a competition in which the 10 crafty bloggers are given a theme and they have to make something to go with that theme. This lovely blog has introduced me to Vanessa at V and Co, Mique at 30 Days, Marilyn at Krafy Mum, Jill at Homemade by Jill, Jessica at Happy Together, Dana at Made, Alish and Whitney at Sisters Stuff, Lindsey at Inspiring Creations, Kathleen at Katydid and Kid, and Ashley at Little Blue Boo.

After the last two themes (Winter and Mittens), I love Vanessa of V and Co. She makes such cute things. I've decided to take her winning entry for the Mittens theme, The Perfect Accessory for Your Mittens Scarf, and make it for me. If it's as easy as it looks you'll probably get one for next Christmas. Please forget that you just read that last line.

I'll show you the results when I'm done.

Wish me luck!

Friend Request Pending, Miss J.

A current student requested me as a friend on Facebook today.

I think my principal may think it's inappropriate for me to befriend this girl AND because I have the website to my blog on my account, she'd probably read through this whole thing and that's WAY too much information for any student of mine to know.

Writing is Like Ice Skating

Remember how I told you here that you could donate to my classroom at this website? And remember how you all ran to grab your debit cards then ran to donate to my classroom cause?

Well, guess what! My project was fully funded. Merry (early) Christmas to me and my students!

Thank you if you donated and if not, thank you for just reading. I know this is a difficult year for many people financially and I truly am grateful for any support you give your local school, both in time and money.

I Put You on the Streets

I know you've all probably seen this a million times but I just watched it again while I was waiting for my final class of the semester to start and I was reminded how ridiculously funny it is.

I present to you, for the one-million-and-oneth time, The Landlord:

***WARNING: A baby swears multiple times in this video. If that is offensive to you, please do not watch this.***

The Landlord from Will Ferrell

Why we love Ashley

Reason #68:

During the winter, she slips on ice every day and has only totally eaten it once. Hello bruised palms, knees and ego!

She needs some of these.

Crafty Craft Craft

I began working at Hallmark when I was 16. That made me a crazy person about Christmas decor. I bought everything. I had nothing to decorate until recently which lead to me having many, many boxes of Christmas stuff.

One of the many years that I worked at Hallmark, I decided that I wanted a tree with only gold, silver and bronze ornaments.

Today I decided that I didn't want to do that but what to do with the boxes and boxes of gold, silver and bronze ornaments? Make a super awesome wreath, that's what.

I wish I could take all the credit for it but I saw this wreath on this blog. She got the idea and instructions from this blog.

Yippee Team Awesome!

A Thing About Laundry

Let's take at look at my homemaking skills or lack thereof.

I washed towels today. Because I'm not one to waste water, I thought "Lets throw these rugs in there too. What could it hurt?"

Well, if you like your white towels and rags WHITE, doing this hurts a lot.

Here's the before (no I didn't take an actual "before" picture. This is another set that used to be exactly the same.):

And, here's the after:



Note to self: Don't wash rugs and towels together ever again.

After the Date

BAD.

The End.

Before the Date Update

Get this.

He just asked me to drive.

Do you see the smoke? This date is ready to burst into a fiery ball of ugliness.

How delicious.

Before the Date

I've been trying to think of something interesting to write about for days and I realized that anything interesting that happens to me revolves around the kids I teach. While I am not saying that I don't want or like being off track, I do know that I'm very boring without the 25 twelve-year-olds that I spend so much time with.

So let's just talk about the issues of the day.

About a week ago, I told you about T., the boy from church. Turns out even though I was a crazy person, he still wants to "get to know" me. Whatever. I gave him my phone number which turned into a crazy mess. He's sending me all kinds of texts. The most vomit inducing of which included the phrase "are you interested?" What?! Umm...I don't know you. You seem nice but all these texts are freaking me out so how about we'll go out (because everyone deserves a first date) and then I'll let you know.

We're going out tonight. We'll see how it goes.

Seriously, what is the deal? Do I just attract needy people or are all boys really needy?

Dear Santa

I need a desk.

Don't believe me? This is where I work on my computer right now.

My back hurts from sitting so long on the floor. Please save me from chronic back pain.

Love,

Ash J.

Guess What!

I have internet.

I know...you're jealous.

Ok, probably not but I'm pretty excited.

Letter to Mother Nature

Dear Mother Nature,

Normally I am very fond of anything you produce.

Today I am not. I hate you and I hate this blasted snow. It took me over an hour to travel 2 and a half miles today.

Now, I know that most of the hold up was not because of the snow that you so graciously dumped on us last night and into this morning. Most of the hold up was due to the fact that people are idiots and they drive like they don't know snow is slippery. Maybe we could work together to let people know that even if you have an SUV with 4 wheel drive and snow tires they still can't drive normal speeds on the freeway.

All I'm asking is that next time it snows, please make it be after morning rush hour and before evening rush hour. That's not too much to ask, is it?

Your Very Frustrated and Soggy Amiga,

Ash J.

Couples

I'm extremely annoyed by couples, especially all those couples that like to throw their lovey-dovey goo fest in everyone's face.

Top 10 things that annoy me about couples:

10: Matching outfits. Really? Is your life a girls'-choice high school dance? Were those sweaters buy one get one free?




9: Pet names. Ugh! Snookums was given a name for a reason and unless his parents were on crack when he was born, his name is not Snookums.

8: Conjoined couple names: This sort of goes along with the pet name deal but it's slightly different. If you're famous, sure; if you're my neighbor, don't even think about it. Maybe your argument is "It saves us time to introduce us as Bekert (Becky and Robert)." No it doesn't. Once you say "Hi, we're Bekert," people look at you like you're an alien so you have to take 5 minutes on how cute it is and how it shows that you are "so close" and "basically one person" and "your brains are about the size of one person so why not have one name...blah...We're cool."

7: This:

The option that this was even on the Internet makes me want to puke. First, how old are you? Second, that is a very private kiss happening in a VERY public place. Third, ewwwwwwww. No one wants to see that...ever. (As a side note...isn't the word snogging so much cooler than the American "making out"? I'm going to begin using it all the time.)


6: Couples (specifically the ladies) who give me the sad face because I'm single and then insist on setting me up with every lame, fat, or socially awkward really nice guy within a 100 mile radius: Really, I'm fine, but I do enjoy free dinner so keep setting me up with those winners, really, free dinner and maybe a movie. I don't care that the best thing he has going for him is that he's lame, fat, or socially awkward really nice as long as he buys me something nice.


5: "We"-ers: "Did you have fun at the party last night?" "Yep, we had a great time. We ate chicken fingers and cheese. Then we went home and we went to the bathroom. Our stomach gets grumbly if we eat dairy." What? You have one stomach between the two of you?



4: Feeding Each Other: This is never necessary unless you're dating a toddler and if that is the case, you are a creep.

3: Inside jokes: I'm sure it's funny to you and I know you're so in love and this just shows me how much more in love you are than I am (I get it. Zero is less than every positive number so any love is more than no love. You learn that in kindergarten. No need to rub it in my face.). Beside that fact, it's just annoying when I don't understand something that is super funny. So stop.

2: Matching Tatoos: Statistics show that if you do this, you will break up. I hear lazer tattoo removal is painful. Make sure you think this one through.

1: PDA. The fact that you are standing so close to each other in line you look like Siamese twins indicates that you are, in fact, a couple. There is no need for you to make tiger noises and scratch his belly. Nor is there any reason for you to grab her butt. And really, there are plenty of seats here. You can each have one.

So Pretty

At least until January 4th. Wahoo for being off track again!

Goal Accomplished

Well, I've made my goal...no swine flu this on track session.

Go me.

Way to wash my hands.

Stars

I read this on my friend Casey's blog. I thought it was great so I reposted it here.

Stars
by Freya Manfred

What matters most? It's a foolish question because I'm hanging on, just like you. No, I'm past hanging on. It's after midnight and I'm falling toward four a.m., the best time for ghosts, terror, and lost hopes.

No one says anything of significance to me. I don't care if the President's a two year old, and the Vice President's four. I don't care if you're cashing in your stocks or building homes for the homeless.

I was a caring person. I would make soup and grow you many flowers. I would enter your world, my hands open to catch your tears, my lips on your lips in case we both went deaf and blind.

But I don't care about your birthday, or Christmas, or lover's lane, or even you, not as much as I pretend. Ah, I was about to say,

"I don't care about the stars" -- but I had to stop my pen.
Sometimes, out in the silent black Wisconsin countryside
I glance up and see everything that's not on earth, glowing, pulsing, each star so close to the next and yet so far away.

Oh, the stars. In lines and curves, with fainter, more mysterious designs beyond, and again, beyond. The longer I look, the more I see, and the more I see, the deeper the universe grows.

I have a long way to go, and I'm starting now --
out in the silent black Wisconsin countryside.


"Stars" by Freya Manfred, from Swimming with a Hundred Year Old Snapping Turtle. © Red Dragonfly Press, 2008

December Videos

I haven't done this in so long but my sister showed me this guy and we watched every one of his videos (there are 49 of them). It was awesomely funny.

Insomnia Part Dos

Remember how this happened right before school started? It happened again, last night.

So here's what happened. We had a second Thanksgiving on Sunday afternoon. After watching a movie with my sisters, I got home around 7:30. Due to the enormous headache and being this close to dozing off during the movie, I decided to go to bed at 8:00. The first hour and a half was glorious. Then I woke up with an even worse headache and a growling stomach saying, "Hey! It's Thanksgiving Miss J! I'm used to eating large quantities only hours apart and it's been 8 hours! FEED ME! FEED ME! Or I will eat your insides!" So I agreed and ate two pieces toast...followed by another piece of toast. So if you're not a math whiz, that's three pieces of toast plus two Tylenol.

With a happy belly and head, I went back to sleep...or, I tried.

My brain likes to do this really annoying thing when I'm trying to sleep. It's called thinking. My brain does its' best (and most annoying) thinking when I'm trying to sleep.

Here is the thing that my brain kept going over: a boy at church. Ugh! Brain, you're so obsessive and annoying! Stop it! Here's the back story to church boy:

My downstairs neighbor come to introduce herself two Saturdays ago. So, being the nice girl I am, I went to the family ward (oh, gosh! Don't get me started on how distracted I was with all the yelling kiddos and super cute babies.). Anyway, I arrived late that day and sat in the back, alone.

About half way through the meeting, my neighbor sees me and waves (kinda weird but appreciated). After the meeting, she comes up to me and tells me there is a singles class and introduces me to the boy who I share a bedroom wall with (oooo!). Let's call him T. T. takes me to the class and being me, obviously I'm super awkward and don't notice any flirting of any kind. Bye, T. see ya next week.

Fast forward to this week: Same class, same T. We're waiting for Relief Society and Priesthood to start (it was combined) and talking in the hall. He asks me about high school and sports or something and so again I'm awkward and drop my purse and run into a small child. Whatever. Apparently it was really funny because the whole hall full of people about peed their pants. Great. Now I'm the awkwardly funny new girl. Wow. Love it. So, just as we're about to go into class, he says something like,

"Hey we should do something sometime."

Very vague. Great. So I say, "Sure. You should come over because no one ever does."

"What? You don't have friends?"

"I do they're just all married and hate me." (I know you don't really but I'm dramatic.)

"Ha."

"Ok."

We go to class. We don't sit together. Class gets over. He waits for me because I was trapped between a table and a bunch of old ladies talking. We walk out together. He doesn't ask for my number or say anything really. Geeze. Boys. Ugh. I say goodbye.

Fast forward to Sunday night as I'm trying to sleep:

Brain: "Why would you say those things? Ugh. You're a dummy."

Me: "No. It was just weird. He was weird. It's never me!"

Brain: "It's always you being weird."

Me: "Nu-uh!"

Brain: "Uh-huh!"

Me: "Nu-uh!"

Brain: "Uh-huh!"

Me: "Nu-uh!"

Brain: "Uh-huh!"

Me: "Fine. But maybe be likes that I'm the awkwardly funny new girl."

Brain: "Does anyone like that?"

Me: "Probably."

Brain: "No they don't."

Me: "Whatever. What if we get married one day...blah...blah...blah."

Brain: "Really? You're serious?"

Me: "Why not?"

Brain: "Do you not remember church?"

And this lovely conversation goes on for 6 more hours. And that is the story of why Ashley is exhausted and why she watched the entire second season of How I Met Your Mother in one night. I love being exhausted. If you can't tell, that was sarcastic. I really think a sarcastic font should be invented. It would be bold, italic, sarcastic all at the top of your document. So much better!

If you made it through this long, exhausted rant, you're a true friend or a true stalker. Either way, I thank you for reading and being awesome...just like me!

It's Coming...

By "it" I mean the internet...to my house. I've made an appointment to get it set up at my house. Bloggy friends, this means I will write more often...soon.

I've also decided I'm spending my next off track time painting my whole house...anyone up for helping? I'll buy you lunch when we're done!

MapQuest

I really think MapQuest should begin their directions with number 3. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

After the Couch, I'm Getting Internet Access

Seriously, I might as well have moved into a cave. I have no idea what is going on with any of you and you have no idea what is going on with me. Geeze! The nerve!

Here's a short and sweet version of what's been happening in my neck of the woods (after moving, I've also taken to using really out dated terms like "neck of the woods". It's something that happens without TV and Internet. Really. Go look it up.):

I moved in (which super sucked) and got a refrigerator, washer and dryer and a couch (for 2.5 seconds).

First load of laundry. Yeah for being a grown-up. This is the coolest washer and dryer ever though. Don't believe me? Watch the video.



Then when it's done, it sings me a sweet little song. Admit it, you're jealous.

Here's the man installing my mammoth fridge. Really, it looked normal sized at the store. In my condo, it's ridiculous but awesome.

Here's my couch that I had for 2.5 seconds because it was the wrong one. Ugh. Annoying.


Devin is so sad I'm gone:

And that's my life right now...I get excited about appliances, I keep the heat at a very low setting and I go to bed by 9pm. Obviously I've turned into a grandma.

Moving In + Huge Snow Storm = Dislike Times One Million

The weather on Friday was amazing. The weather today (Sunday) was amazing. The weather yesterday ruined my life.

I got my keys late Friday evening so my mom and I went over to the condo to vacuum, clean walls, and clean the carpet. We got done about 9, said "Goodbye new home, see you tomorrow" and went home. Little did I know tomorrow would be a horrible day.

I wake up at 7:30 to begin getting things packed into a pick-up truck only to see that it was snowing outside and the snow was sticking to the ground which means the snow was also sticking to the truck outside. Ugh! I don't want wet things. What to do? Call Budget-Rent-A-Truck.

We got lucky and they had one (giant) truck left. I thought it was going to be really expensive but it's actually quite affordable and I didn't have wet things when we arrived. (As a side note, next time don't park so close to the garage. Courtney's collision with the garage door that almost caused a concussion was not fun and it cost me one worker. She thought that just because she was almost concussed she could get out of working. Geeze. The nerve!)

By the time we headed to the condo it was snowing kittens and puppies. Double ugh.

Fast forward 2 hours. We're almost done. My arms are so tired from holding and lifting boxes that I can't raise them above my head any more. My jeans are soaking wet up to my knees. I can't feel my feet any more. I'm sweaty and gross. And I'm starving. I probably wasn't very friendly at this time.

We saved the mattress for last hoping the snow would let up (it didn't). Then my neighbor shows up and offers to help. We jump on his offer. Thank goodness one of the three guys that live next door is a gentleman.

Hallelujah, we're done. To celebrate, we went out to Mexican...looking like white trash. It was great and we got many stares but I didn't care.

All I've done is set up my bed. I was so sick of moving that I couldn't do anything else.

Stay tuned for pictures.

Freshness

I just heard a commercial say "Air is the enemy of freshness."

I teach 6th grade in a classroom without a window that opens. I would have to disagree with that commercial. Air is the UPS man of freshness.

I don't think I mentioned this but in order to get our kids to really care about the math test they did amazing on, we had a pop party for any kid who got 80% or above or made significant progress.

One kiddo decided to take all the left overs to make this concoction:

Then he drank it while the rest of the class chanted "Chug, chug, chug, chug..." What a great Friday.

I'm the Best Math Teacher...EVER

Ok, I know the title is a super huge lie but I am on top of the world today after our math test.

Let's preface this story with the fact that I work in a school where most kids get 30-50% on the end of year tests. The kids have not been expected to work really hard in years past. Well, that had to change this year. We became a Title I school and have to prove that we are improving. These kids now work their little bums off.

Even with all the extra time spent on math, the math aides, pull-out and push-in groups, my class still struggles. They consistently get about a 50% average in math. My high scores in math have been about 80%.

Well, this math block we changed things up a bit. We have the resource kids stay with us for math instruction then they get another dose of the same thing in a more individualized setting with the special ed. teacher.

My scores shot up. I about peed my pants when I began correcting. I got 6, count them 6, 100%s and my class average was 80%. And I still have 3 kids that need to take the test and they are all kids who excel at math. Hallelujah! We're getting it!

Today was a happy teaching day.

I Have a Home, Holmes!

I signed my life away today.

I'm officially a home owner...well, almost.

I have to wait for all the money to go through the bank but on Friday (hopefully) I'll officially have a home. Holy crap I'm a freaking grown-up.

Visit this post to remind yourself of the cuteness I'm about to move in to.

P.S. If you'd like to live in this cuteness with me...I need a roommate...call me! (or email, facebook, drop into my classroom, send a carrier pigeon, whatever works for you.)

P.P.S. If you love to paint walls or have some good ideas when it comes to decorating, CALL ME!!

Response

Dearest Blog,

You're right. I am neglectful. Let me apologize for forgetting about you for so long. Yes, my posts have been boring but I have an excuse.

Here it is: Life. That's it. Life gets in the way. Here's the Cliffs Notes version of my life and why I have been ignoring you:

• Getting ready for Parent-Teacher Conferences kicked my butt
• Parent-Teacher Conferences go really late
• Doing homework
• Getting ready to sign on my condo (What? Ash is a grown-up?)
• Thinking about organizing my crap
• Working...all the time

Blog, just know that I am sorry and I will try to keep you in the loop.

Sincerely,
Ash J

Letter From My Blog

Dear Ash J,

You've severely neglected me. Your posts have become monotonous. Remember how people used to say, "I read your blog today, it was hilarious," well, they don't any more. Get with it.

Yours Truly,
Blog

Bleck! Report Cards!

Blaaahhhh!!

I hate report cards.

One Thing I Miss About Long Hair...

...being able to wake up and be somewhat presentable.

This is what I look like every morning now:

Is this a problem for all people with short hair or am I just an insane sleeper?

Kicking 'A' Holes

My school has a discipline program called Think Time.

When a student does something that is unacceptable in the classroom, he or she is sent to Think Time. While there the student fills out a form telling what he or she was doing, what he or she should have been doing, if he/she is ready to go back to class and then it's signed by another teacher.

Today, I sent a student down because she kicked another student.

Here is what she wrote:

Why were you sent to Think Time?

for kicking a a hole for blowing and spiting

What school rule does that violate?

Kind respect

What were you supposed to be doing?

Stand in line.

Is there anything else you would like to share in this note?

no nothing but he is a a hole sorry for swering in this note.


This note brightened my day.

I was going to put a picture of the note in here but I decided to keep all parties involved anonymous.

Blood and Gore

The time I spend with my guided reading groups is my favorite part of the day. It's fantastic and I learn such interesting facts about my students.

Today, we read Blood and Gore. Sounds like it's super intense, right? It's not. It's just about how your different body parts work. We were supposed to read the Bones section. I started my lesson by letting the kiddos make connections. Wow. The boys had insane connections.

First I learned that one boy has broken 14 bones in his life...Hello! You're not even 12 years old yet! Chill out with the Evel Knievel impressions. The most disgusting of his injuries included having his ear almost torn from his head. Yep, you read that right. Ear...hanging from the side of his head. How might you fix that injury? The doctor just tapes your ear to your head and you heal in a month or so. What!?

Also, I learned why I haven't had many injuries...I grew up in a family of all girls.

Is That You, Bart Simpson?

Someone just called.

He said, "Hi, is I.P. Freely there?"

I said, "Oh. You're funny."

He said, "Oh, sorry." and hung up.

It's been a great night.

Chinese Arguments

Yahoo! Chinese for dinner but who would have thought the ordering of said Chinese food would turn into an argument?

Seriously, isn't Chinese food supposed to bring people together? I know I'm always happier after some delicious Kung Pao Chicken.

Dividing and Decimals = Not a Fun or Easy Thing

I was so thrilled with the math my class was able to do earlier this week. That thrilling feeling ended today. Sixth graders have to know how to divide without having a remainder. To do this, they have to add a decimal and keep adding zeros until there is no longer a remainder.

So much for taking the test tomorrow and reviewing for the next 2 weeks

Math is Fun

After our horrible math week I decided we were going to have a great week this week.

Monday, we learned converting fractions to decimals...my students were amazing at it!

Tuesday, we learned scientific notation...my students were freaking geniuses.

Today, I asked if they knew how to multiply with decimals. They all did so I thought, "Just in case someone doesn't know how (which there are always those few who won't speak up even if I sound like I'm speaking a foreign language), I'll have my students play teacher and teach me how to multiply decimals."

It was awesome. They loved it! I even called them Mr. So-and-so or Miss So-and-so. They ate it up. I also let them call me by my first name (ooooo! Wait! You're first name isn't Miss?) because I was a student, not a teacher. I think that was their favorite part of the entire experience. Even though I know they all learned a lot, I'm sure the "What did you learn today?" conversation went something like this:

Parent: "What did you learn at school today?"

Student: "Well, I learned that Miss J's first name is Ashley and she let us be the teachers for the day."

Parent: "I'm going to have to call that school and see what kind of hair brain teacher they've hired to teach my student blah...blah...my tax dollars...blah...blah ...letting kids have fun in school...blah...Who does she think she is?...blah...I'm an irrational parent...blaaaaahhhhh.

I may be exaggerating just a little. But we had fun and the kids were super invested and eager to teach us all how to do the math so I did my job.

Is That a Baby or a Swollen Alien?

Let me preface this post with these 3 little words: I love babies!

Now that I've done that, I can rant about how ugly they are.

I live in Utah. I'm pretty young. I have a large (and ever growing) family and circle of friends. Therefor, I see a lot of babies. All newborn babies look the same: like swollen baby aliens.

This is how it goes when anyone goes to see a new baby at the hospital. (If you don't agree you're either: 1-kidding yourself, 2-an immediate blood relative of the baby, or 3-so high you can't see straight.)

You walk into a room that smells of antiseptic and baby powder.

You see the poor mommy--Bless her heart but she normally looks like she spent the last 10 hours pushing a watermelon through a mouse hole--you say something like, "You look great." (Trips to see babies turn everyone into a liar.)

The daddy asks if you want to hold the baby. (That's why I came daddy! Births make both mommy and daddy loose their minds.)

Daddy hands you the baby burrito and you're intoxicated by the wonderful smell of new baby (if you're a woman and in a relationship you talk to your significant other about starting a family as you drive home from the hospital. If you're me, you are bombarded by your sisters who have to be an aunt RIGHT NOW!!).

Then you look at baby's face. Ugh! Is baby already a prizefighter? Then you say something like, "Oh, look how tiny he/she is." Because you're trying to stop lying and you can't say "Oh, what a cutie!" because he/she looks like a swollen alien baby and any other newborn you've ever seen. Seriously, this picture below could be any white baby ever born. Maybe it's you.

I do really love babies and I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad but babies are ugly for the first week or two of their lives and you all know it.

Like Mother's Milk

"You're dealing with children. They need to be terrified. It's like mother's milk to them. Without it their bones won't grow."

~Sue Sylvester, Glee

Adventures at the D.I.

The D.I. is seriously a teacher's best friend.

I went in today to get a couple plastic buckets to hold pencils. I left with the buckets, 8 clip boards and a couple giant binders...all for under $8. Woot for people's left overs and being cheap!

Then I went to check out. The cashier began telling me about how her husband was telling her she looks like an old meth addict and how he wants to go out and get himself "a 25-year-old floozy with big boobs." (I almost said that I was 25 then looking at her and imagining what her husband looks like and realizing I'm not a floozy, I though better of myself and kept my mouth shut.)

She then says, "I think I look pretty good for 42." (Which she actually did.) Then proceeds to tell me how her husband was drunk by 11am that day (he's unemployed) and how he tried to kick her 18 year old son out of the house because he thinks the son is a druggie.

The entire time she's telling me about her horrible life I'm thinking, "Is this a hidden camera show?" "Am I being punked?" "Is Ashton Kutcher going to jump out of the rack of those horrible prom dresses from the 80's?" "Where could the cameras be?" Then I thought, "Man, this happens to me a lot. Is there something about me and my face that makes people I've never met before want to spill their life stories?"

Then she just stopped and handed me my bag. Yep, she was holding it and not letting me leave. It was very weird. Like she realized she had said a lot to someone she's never met and realized that's really odd. People are fun.

I Stumbled Upon...

the website Stumble Upon last night while trying to finish grading papers that I've put off for 4 weeks.



If you need many hours of brain numbing enjoyment, I recommend this website.*

*This website should not be used if any of the following pertain to you: you have less than an hour to kill, you enjoy the outdoors, you don't want to turn into a super geek that only has online friends, you have a family, you are employed, you have homework to do, you have anything important to do in the next 24 hour period, you have arthritis, you are pregnant or breastfeeding, you don't like funny things, or you have a life and want to keep it.

Getting Ready to Go Back

I hate grading papers.

How unethical would it be for me to make it a classroom job?

UEA Day 2

Today was day 2 of the UEA convention.

It was not quite as good but that was probably because I was feeling like crap (p.s. there are some days I hate being a woman).

I did get to talk about my favorite TV shows though and discovered that no one had even heard of Glee. What the heck!?! I'm taking the promotion of this show into my own hands right now.

Here are my plans to make Glee every person's favorite show:

--Relate every conversation to Glee. For example:
Person: "I'm so excited! I'm pregnant!"
Me: "Oh, that reminds me of my favorite show Glee. See, this girl named Quinn is a cheerleader and she's also the president of celibacy club but she becomes pregnant...not by her boyfriend but by her boyfriend's friend. But then she lies about it and says that it is her boyfriend's baby. You see how this totally is just like you and your pregnancy? You should really watch Glee because it will help you be a better mom."

--Only listen to artists who are covered in episodes of Glee.
Options as of now: Queen, Rihanna, Salt 'n Pepa, Carrie Underwood, Journey, Cabaret soundtrack, Celine Dion, Kayne West (he's out though because of his horrible behavior), Jazmine Sullivan, REO Speedwagon, Amy Winehouse, Duffy, and Les Miserables soundtrack.

--Join a show choir.

--Become a high school teacher.

--Litter and when people come at me for littering tell them I do it to keep garbage men employed so they can buy tacos for their families. Also, begin to support caning BECAUSE IT WORKS.

UEA

I went to the UEA convention today. It was great.

Here are some things I took from the conference:

• I want to move to Finland now.
  


• I want to elect Dr. Pamela Perlich from the University of Utah to the office of Supreme Queen Law Maker.
  


• Lily Eskelsen, the NEA Vice President, needs to be the presidential vice president*.
  
  
• I had a fantastic Concurrent Enrollment English teacher in high school.
  
  
• I need to do more for my kids.
  
  *I am in no way saying I have anything against the current vice president. Just having someone that high up that understands what it's like to be a teacher would be a great thing for this country.
  
  The students of today are the leaders of tomorrow. How much are you investing in your future?

I'm in Love...

...with this Fall's new TV line up.

Seriously. Our Tivo is overloaded with all the great shows. First, there is How I Met Your Mother which I've talked about a few times already. Are you watching it? If not, start Monday. It's amazing!



Second, Glee. Who would have thought a show about a show choir would be so entertaining? This show is the most fantastic thing ever. I think I love this show so much because it combines my love of musical theater, geeks, gym teachers in short-shorts, cheer leading coaches who believe in caning and littering, slushy throwing, music from Queen and Journey, hot Spanish teachers, and germ freaks.



Modern Family on ABC is ridiculously funny. I'm pretty sure I snorted multiple times while watching it.



Community and The Forgotten are so far pretty good. We'll see how it goes.

Then there are the shows coming back: The Office, Grey's Anatomy, Heroes, Desperate Housewives, Lie to Me

Maybe I'll get a life next season.

No Thanks Swine Flu!

My goal this on-track session: To not get swine flu...or any flu

Poppy

Book #41: Poppy by Avi

Poppy is a young deer mouse whose troubles began when she and her boyfriend Ragweed are caught on a hill by without the permission of Mr. Ocax, a horned owl. Mr. Ocax carries out the consequence to not following his rules by killing Ragweed and Poppy manages to barely escape from his deadly talons.

After another terrifying encounter with Mr. Ocax to ask permission for her entire family to move into New Home, she is blamed on all sides by her siblings when their request was denied.

Heartbroken and lonely, Poppy sets off to New Home to see why Mr. Ocax is so afraid of letting the mice move. On her way, she meets Ereth, a grumpy porcupine. Poppy is originally scared of him because Mr. Ocax has told all the mice that porcupines kill and eat mice. Poppy soon discovers this to be a lie and begins wondering what else Mr. Ocax has lied about.

I really enjoyed this book and thought that it was a great representation of how bullies work. I may be reading it to my class when I go back on track.

I'm a Grown Up

I put an offer on West Jordan Condo today.


Holy cow. I don't think I've ever been this excited and simultaneously close to vomiting in my life.

Wish me luck!

Even Newer Hair

I went back to get my hair colored today. I also had Rachel make my hair less "soccer mom meets Kate Gosselin" and more "hip 20-something teacher/bird.

Here is the product of Rachel's hard work:

Front view

Side view...

The cowlick that ruins everything and makes my hair look like this...

Crazy cowlick view


This crazy cowlick has given me a very good idea for a Halloween costume though...I'm going to be a bird. Amazing. And I'm making the outfit...how Susie Homemaker of me.

House Dreams

Here's some background before I get into the dream I had last night.

When we went to see #2--Taylorsville Condo yesterday, another realtor and a client were looking at it when we got there.

This condo is priced right now at $128,000.


Here's the dream:

I went to Tom, my realtor, to tell him I wanted to put an offer in on Taylorsville Condo. So to do this you go to the persons house and tell them what you're offering. When we arrived this same realtor lady that was there yesterday came strolling out of the bedroom and told us that she and her client had just made an offer that was accepted. We asked what they offered and she said $220,000. I was baffled at why you'd offer almost $100,000 more than the asking price but I left and went home.

When I got home I was going to watch TV so I plopped on the couch and pressed the "on" button on the remote. Nothing happened so I looked up and saw that the TV was gone. I then looked around and noticed that doors were open and many of our things were missing.

I freaked out and ran out of the house because I was sure that who ever had stolen our things was still in the house. I was headed to my neighbor's house to call someone. As I'm walking over there a big black dog comes running down the street and then heads to our fence. The dog is barking and going crazy. I see the fence open just as the dog is getting there and a young kid (probably 13 or 14 years old) runs out with the dog chasing him. I'm super freaked so I scream and run to the neighbor's house.

Weird.

House Hunting Marathon

In this post, I told you I started looking for *houses and I was very disappointed. Well, today I also looked and it was a much better experience. Though I still ended up looking in some ghetto areas, the houses were very nice.

We began looking at 9am and weren't done until 2pm. Geesh! Looking for a place to live it exhausting.

Here are my top 4:

#1--West Jordan Condo

This is the outside of the building. One great thing about this place is there is a mammoth amount of visitor parking. Some places we saw had like 2 extra places. Also, this place was built way after I was born (2004 to be exact).


This is the living room. The big glare-y window is a sliding door that lead out onto a deck. Please ignore the old man furniture. The guy that lives here now is about 80 and moving to a retirement condo.


This magical place has 3, yes 3, large beautiful bedrooms. This is the master bedroom. It also has a giant walk in closet in the master. Really, this thing was huge. About the size of some of the bedrooms in other condos.

Here's the kitchen. The man who lives there now was there when we went to look. He kept telling me, "The microwave is an upgrade and the counters and the floor and the cabinets and..." What a cute old man. If I had some single 80 ladies in my life I'd set them up...and then the owner would give me a really good deal.

The only bad thing about this place is that it's just a bit out of my price range. Ugh! I'm hoping that I can get him to come down a bit and hopefully I'll be moving in soon.

#2--Taylorsville Condo


This is the point I got a little ghetto. First, look at this building. It's a bit run down. It was built in 1985. Plus, the condo I'm there to look at is not on this side, it's on the back, with a nice view of Family Dollar's garbage dumpster. When you walk around the building, it gets really dark (there are a lot of large trees) and the grass and plants either all died, were pulled out, or just never there (it's kinda creepy, it would be a great place to live during Halloween). I was not expecting anything nice.


Obviously, I was surprised by what I saw. This condo has been kept up very well and it's super cute (any very in my price range). This is the living room. It has really nice carpet and it's a pretty big space. To the right is the kitchen. There aren't any pictures but it's nice.

This is the master bedroom. Again, it's really nice. I don't know what else to say about it.

This place has 3 bedrooms and 2 full bathrooms (which is really hard to find. Most have 2 or 3 bedrooms with 1 1/2 bathrooms. Ugh! That's annoying!).


#3--Salt Lake Condo (West side)



This place was vacant. It's a really nice complex nestled in a kinda rough area but I'm ok with that.


The front door is the white door next to the window on the left. The kitchen is on the right and that smidgen of blue you see is one of the 3 bedrooms. There is a second bedroom right behind the living room and a full bath between the 2 rooms. If you're standing in the living room facing the kitchen, the master bedroom is to your right.


A better shot of the kitchen. That faucet was a bit messed up. Things were not in the right place and the handle that turns on the water gets in the way. I'd replace that if this were the one I bought.

This is the master bedroom and bathroom. Yes, the carpet is horrible. Yes, I would also replace that.


#4--Salt Lake Condo (East Side)

This place is in a really nice but older area of Salt Lake. It was built in 1964 (my dad was born in 1963). It's really maintained well though. The window in the picture is the window in the living room. I liked this area a lot but the only drawback is that everything I do is on the West side and this condo is way on the East side.


The couple that live here are older and a bit formal and outdated so ignore the furniture. When you walk in the front door, you come into the living room. It's really big and nice.

The kitchen is updated. It's right off the living room. If you go out to the left, you come to a hall. There is a laundry room (it's actually a closet but whatever) an ity-bity bathroom (only 1 in this place), and two bedrooms. I think this place could have so much potential but it needs some work.

So, out of 11 places we saw, 4 were acceptable. Well, more than acceptable. 4 were places I'd actually live.

*I know I always say "house" even though I really mean condo. To me, it's somewhere I'd live and own so it's a house.