Are you there God? It's me... Dawn (complain-y post)

Hey there Lord, Hi.. it's Dawn.
I'm grateful for everything you give to me and I'm grateful for the trials, because they are really teaching me how to be  a better person but... here's my white flag.. I don't think I can do this anymore.

When my heart isn't hurting, it's in a fit of fury.

Jack escaping from the nursing home today was so not cool. Last night I prayed that he'd finally be okay in the nursing home and where did we find him this afternoon after a good day of eating and shopping with mom, at her house. I know you're testing me, but this test is really hard and I'm getting worn out.

I worry about my mom, and whether or not she's happy. I think of all the things that my dad does to her and it kills me. She deserves so much better, you know? I think it's safe to say she's secured her spot in Heaven, like her seat has been engraved in gold and embellished with diamonds and pearls. She's an amazing woman, but she's so weary and her stress level is going to skyrocket and she's going to get sick, and it will be because of Jack.

I worry about spencer, my boy is getting tired too. He's so young and it's not fair that this pure child gets to live a short life compared to rotten Jack. I know I can't compare the two, they aren't even in the same realms, but it's hard for me. It's so dang hard for me.

I know that in the grand scheme of things I'll look back and laugh... maybe... but right now, it's hard.. it's too hard. Help me.

The only way I know how to cope with these things is to become busy, to forget about myself and help other people, but sometimes helping people isn't enough. I need comfort that I might be able to do this, that I'm doing it right. I just, this once, need something to go my way... and easily too.  I know that sounds selfish and I almost don't want to say it, but please.. something.

I memorized this poem in my English 250 class at BYU-I and I have always related and it scares me a little

Not Waving but Drowning

BY STEVIE SMITH

Nobody heard him, the dead man,   

But still he lay moaning:

I was much further out than you thought   

And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking

And now he’s dead

It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,   

They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always   

(Still the dead one lay moaning)   

I was much too far out all my life   

And not waving but drowning.

now folks.. i'm not suicidal, I've got alot of great things going on in my life, but i'm so tired of doing this alone...  I can't do this alone...I want to be selfish, i'm tired of fighting.

“There are two types of people in this world: those who admit to being broken, and those who don’t.”

Today was a good day. I have great friends, two best friends that are my support system. They are an awesome distraction.

It's funny, before I learned that something was wrong (or that it was confirmed to me that something was wrong) with spencer I was always trying to get away from the house. I "needed" a break from my babies because they were driving me crazy.

Now, I don't want to leave them, I want them constantly by my side. The things I once thought were annoying are now a joy to me, because i know i only have a limited amount of time with them.

Its sad that it takes a fatal diagnosis to turn your attitude around, it's really such a shame. I regret not loving every moment of my childrens growth and "annoyance".
Do i get annoyed? Yes, but for some reason, it doesn't make me crazy anymore.

As I was out today with Chelsea and Sarah (and Jack), all I could do was miss my children. I wanted to cuddle and mother Jack, but I had to remember that he's not mine, and that I would rather be snuggling my babies.

Today was mostly good. I woke up in good spirits and missed the kids as soon as I got in the car to drive to springfield, I teared up at least 5 times during my drive, but i kept trying to shake it off, deep breathing techniques. The rest of the day was filled with laughter and food and stomach aches, but i was still longing to be with my children. Right now i'm feeling alright, broken, but that's normal right?

good day

I didn't blog yesterday, it was too late by the time i got home and i was beat, but i couldn't sleep, so i just layed in my bed until i fell asleep.

yesterday was a relatively good day... for me at least. Austin struggled a bit, but only when he was alone at work. I tried to stay busy, my dear sweet friend Kyra has been really good at keeping my busy and we're starting to lift weights and work out together (and that's a great distraction for me). I cried one, but only while explaining to another friend what was up with spencer, but it was brief.

today has been a really good day, things are kind of going back to "normal" as far as just day to day. I still longingly look at my baby boy and ache for him, but it doesn't bring me to tears. Except for tonight before bed.

Lorelei and Spencer were playing together, legs tangling, laughing, and I saw their friendship, their unconditional love and need for one another and I let myself think too far and I thought about Lorelei and what she would go through when she lost her brother and i teared up, my heart broke a little bit more. I'm afraid if my heart breaks anymore, I'll be a cold and bitter woman and I don't want that.

We had dinner with friends and that was another nice and welcome distraction. They asked questions, but i didn't mind answering them because I knew that they want to know because they care. We talked about deep things, about having more babies (which i'm sold on not having anymore, but austin wonders why i'm so adamant now to not have anymore--but that's another post) about drugs that could cure this awful disease, we talked about silly things--distracting things.

I thought a lot today about divine inspiration--I know that it was divine inspiration to go back to school, but I honestly thought that I needed to go back to school because I thought something might happen to austin (and that scared me to death), I never in a million years thought that it would be Spencer. I thought about the conviction of applying to the Respiratory Therapy program and why I all of a sudden had a deep interest in the subject--i didn't know that it would directly correlate with spencer and what he'll go through.

None of my going back to school and the strong desire made sense 6 months ago, but now it's all sort of piecing together.

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"you can't mourn a child you haven't lost yet"

denial/isolation
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance

the five stages of grief and I think i've hit everyone of them through out the day.
I've had an outpouring of support from friends and church members and I couldn't be more grateful. I truly believe that they were put into our lives for a reason.

If you catch me longingly staring at my son, i'm just soaking him up, memorizing his movements, thinking about him.

Austin said to me last night "you cant mourn a child you haven't lost yet" and he's right. I need to stop mourning spencer. He's still here, he's still normal, he's still spencer. HE'S STILL SPENCER. So we've decided that he's just our normal boy--for now-- and we'll treat him as such. We're not treating him any different, except now he gets more hugs and kisses from mom and hand holding.

Lorelei too. I can't forget about my sweet girl. She's so willing to help me and i'm grateful for her. She knows I'm having a rough time and she will literally bend over backwards for me, i am so so so grateful for my sweet girl.

I"m grateful for eternity, eternal families, eternal perspective. No matter what happens I know that we'll be together again 

Spencer has an appointment with the Neurologist in Springfield on June 18th, so we'll see what happens next.

Thanks for all your prayers and friendship. It literally means the world to me. I'll be updating this probably everyday. Therapy.. you know... also i'll be taking pictures daily of spencer.

5/14/14