Say something about 2013...

Heavily influenced by the love story and kind hearts the winners of the latest season of x-factor..I felt the beauty of what it was like being in love. Congrats. You guys deserve to be happy!

Prying myself off the office table, away from the keyboard and not pounding my head on deadlines and novel approach of anything fancy - I will be away on vacation starting next week. I deserve a rest. Sleep in heavenly peace.

A lot of new surprises I can see in the horizon

. I am not too sure what to make of it. Thinking conceitedly I would also say that God is playing tricks on me and I am not sure what to make of the options open to me.. Ultimately I am targetting to move abroad and isolate myself from domestic drama. More realistically, I have the choice of either a braindead repetitive workscope or a sunny beachside party workscope. Obviously - hands down the beachside party wins but hey hey life is not a free ticket to your dream job without a challenge or two. Anyways, February 2014 - the month where I turn 30 - thats probably when I will get to know which of the assignments I will be taking up.

But, say something about 2013? 

Millions of photographs and bookloads of achievements - be it myself or of others around me. The one thing that cancels off all the other alarm bells in 2013 was it will always be the year where the ghost haunted me the worst.

Thank you, for haunting. I made some new friends along the way, with shared interest and objectives in life. I lost a few friends too - although we may not admit it openly but we both know we are not as close as we used to be. 

Maybe I will move closer to the beach in 2014. We'll see.

Mika at 2

Hello hello, how time flies? Only a few blinks ago were you my tiny man. My mini me.  My cry baby of a bodyguard in making.

You are 2 now. You can mimic sounds and songs that are catchy - read : RHCP's Ethiopia is one of them. You sulk like a perfect princess no kidding I am seriously wondering if I do that in front of you? I opt to believe I do not.  

Cars trucks trains and cranes amaze you without fail, and I have a hard time keeping up what each of your verbal sounds mean. You refuse to repeat after me - even for a sip of sweet tea. Pointing and nodding is your chosen mode of communication.

You hate to brush ur teeth and boy u pee so much! My ultimate fear is that you grow up in the absence of a manly character around the house, afterall it is just you and me.

I got you a fire truck for your birthday, it isn't much really. Nothing I can get you that will be so great. Nothing beats memories, you will learn this when you get older, I hope..

Happy birthday my boy. I hope you will grow up to be the happiest boy ever.  

Pillow marks on my cheeks

And I lay at night, in my comfortable bed. The air conditioning humming, you heaving through breaths and in deep slumber..

What am I supposed to think about now, that you have gone? 

I realized I have stopped thinking about you. And my heart sort of stopped beating in wonder. Now it just beats. A beat.

Be on the right path, Kin. Everything has happened and is happening for a reason.

Talk about dirty laundry

One of the dumbest thing you can ask a married person is to read this article that seems to be readily accessible online 'how to know you're not going to marry the wrong person' like serious shit? A few of my friends have actually asked me to read it and tell them what I think. Sheesh. Maybe a few of you can tolerate that kind of re-assessment post the big decision. Maybe you were set in stone. 

Sure it would be nice to know if yes he is the one or no he isn't really the one. Would you still have listened? No because the heart wants what the heart wants. And because more than you know, He has already written everything, with a reason, a purpose. Not a single thing is done in vain. You KNOW better than that.

But I guess it is only fair - since I am still surrounded by people who are still searching, still wondering if they have found the one. I felt a need to dwell on this infamous question once more.. I guess I can say a few things that are - so far - proven to have helped me keep my feet on the ground.

Be with someone that needs not changing. You will only be disappointed when they do not change to the mould you have set out for them. You know what you like so stick to it. Common interests is a baseline requirement to make any relationship work.

Communication is key. I always hear this coming out of my mouth/keypad as I cleverly share my unlived wisdom to my friends. But seriously, you should always be able to talk about things with your partner. If he isn't going to take it well, then why the heck did you marry him for? 

Maybe some people feel there should be a border or a specified time or genre of tales that can be told to the spouse. I have personally tested the boundaries of such genres and am happy to say that if I feel like telling it, I shall. And if I believe telling the story is important to me, I shall as well. My happiness is the key to the happiness of my spouse, and child.

There is no point in keeping it all locked up. There is a point however to living in pairs, the way He planned it.

And lastly, people change. But not in any way you want or not want them to. Its just part of the equation that remains unknown and uncontrollable. Change is inevitable. The only way to deal with it is with a lot of faith and always touching base to make sure your partner has not strayed away too far.

Come back to center

The crack of dawn leads me to stir in bed, it is usually the time Mika will request his serving of chu-chu and - like clockwork that morning, he did. I pulled myself out of bed and with one eye closed, muster every ounce of energy into the simple concoction. Like a tired little bear, he dozes off leaving a quarter of the milk still inside the bottle - white lines softly trickling down his chubby cheeks and I smile in relief.

Seizing the moment, I tiptoe quietly out of the room after I spread out the curtains to stop the rays from piercing in. Sleep, my little prince.

Pushing open the sliding doors I softly laid down the yoga mat. Inhale in deep, and exhale in slow, controlled breaths. Tuck in my tummy. The cold wind hits my face and chest it was refreshingly calming. All I could hear were the birds and my own breath. Sun salutations and deep stretch makes me feel old and used. Need. To. Recharge. In every breath.

Once I am warmed up the motion is more fluid, more rewarding as I bend deeper into my poses and light up the nerves like crazy in shooting pain especially down my lower back as I hug my shins. Need. To. Feel. New. 

15mins is all I need, 15mins is all i have.

I slowly tune out the world now, and pretend to be lost in the green view in front of me. Only you know my story.

Feeling jovial and energized I attempt a headstand, controlling my core to not shoot up my legs too fast and fall even faster. I fall into a back bend and sway. I remember 4th grade in Dhaka - the playgrounds were enough space for us to practice tumbling. The sense of ease and achievement even if it is only a little.

And to come back to center, in every breath.  

Before we dim the lights

I've been having long hauled weeks that plow deep into my back. At night I lay down my aching body and dead mind to bed. It is still so funny. I can think of you even when I am about to die of exhaustion. The more I wish to not remember, the easier the memories seem to parade themselves even with my eyes forced shut.

Mika is now a full grown baby. He plays and communicates in whatever manner he wishes to. Bullies me, whines and whimpers when in need of attention. Will you take me to heaven, baby?

I did not manage to explain the Islamic calendar to the tight Scandinavian tin can of a man sitting across the dining table at lunch. I was dressed too pretty that day, a sour face would not match the turquoise ring nor the bright yellow blouse peppered with paisleys. I chose to shut up - please don't go around wondering why people don't like you - check the mirror, like really.

Its ironic how the future of your life actually lies in the hands of your friends - they know you better, they've worked with you and knowing the way the system works - you should always be nice to others. Are you ready for a challenge? You're kinda supposed to say Yesirreee to everything now, Kin.

Its night time again. My beauty routine all over, slather the magic lotions to stop aging and hide the physical ugliness. Collagen lipbalm makes my lips unkissable yet nicer the next morning. And the scent of vanilla from my hand cream fills the room - reminds me so much of V3 - and how you hated my vanilla perfume from body shop.

Pendekar Mode : ON

Bini aku ada empat he says..

Stranger in a strange land

I've always had a soft spot for the beach. 

The strong, powerful wind - invisible yet so present - the crazy whipping action of your hair against your skin, fabrics flying, your scarf moving. 

The numerous sand particles - solid, hard, black and yellow - yet pours out in singular granules as you sieve them through your fingers, time and time again, and you pick at your eye as it hits into them by mistake.

The vast ocean - so loud and majestic - tastes like a pack of salt as you accidentally open your mouth with glee, heap full of salt entering your system, and you suppress your laughter with a wide grin, and think about how much shampoo you will need to get your hair back on track.

I miss the beach. Its one of those things that I've taken for granted, yet it has never failed to enlighten my spirits. Every visit makes me feel like a kid again, and Mika is always allowed to walk out alone into the horizon. Casting glances over his tiny shoulders for signs of his parents. Such a wonderful boy.

This is his 2nd photo of him walking alone in an empty stretch of sand. Yellow, barren. A hint of anxiety as the waves crash in and scare him silly. I introduced him to seashells this time. And the ATV.

I somehow cannot be bothered to talk about my Eid celebration. This photo itself stamped more meaning and memory than the gluttony and controlled emotion I had to suffer during Eid. 

You are always an outsider no matter what color shirt you wear. 

A stranger, in a strange land, his t-shirt read.

Hello Mt Kina

Hello, Mt Kina. How are you? How have you been? Has it been a long lonely silence, enveloped by your own grandeur? You are a mountain, bolted down to the earth. Could your own dreams ever lift you away?

This was one of the trips I decided not to tell too many people about, rather drop it nonchalantly when discussing dates of open houses and Raya plans. It was two weeks post raya, I opted to take the least favored week off because I am such a nice colleague - putting others ahead of me and letting my office mate enjoy a 2 week break in Indonesia instead.

I was not in shape, I try to be but it was fasting month, and I had a roller coaster of a ride keeping up pace with Mika alone at the time. He has been such an angel, and I had some major issues of my own to overcome. See how much I needed this?

The stars aligned and I got my slot without much fuss. Normally you would have to make bookings months ahead. I just gambled and thought I would have it, if it was meant for me. Else we could go rock climb or something in KL. 

The climb. Wow. Where do one begin? It is endless miles of stairs, steep, slopes, all I could think about was how massive my thighs must be post Kina. The cold wind is a contrast juxtapose making the climb both unbearable but pleasant?! We did it in a short climb of 5 hours, arriving at the base camp of Laban Rata way before dinner was served. The night of, I could not sleep. My chest felt heavy, and my head was spinning. Every creak and bounce of a spring woke me. I was doomed.

And doomed was I. The 2am upward climb to Low's Peak was a treacherous on, in poorly lit conditions and the cold air whipping in between the very threads of your clothes. All I wanted to do was sleep behind a rock. Everytime we stopped - at my mercy of course - I would try to steal 1 or 2 seconds of sleep. A few kind passerby's did ask me if I was OK.. Could not believe we eventually made it to the top. It was an infested site, almost like a sacred spot for the religious. A few ladies decided to shout in glee as they made it to the top but were shushed by the guides - ' you cannot tell who will be bothered by your shouting' totally zipped their mouths shut throughout the decend. The weather was lovely and cold up there. I wanted to spend at least an hour devouring the view and snapping pictures but my fingers could not handle such cold and numbness. I ate a 5ringgit piece of nestle chocolate wafer in greed as I sat at one of the corners. Battling lack of sleep, hunger, fatigue and awe all at once. 

Abby was our guide, he had the record of bringing up the water tank to Laban Rata, and as F would call him 'ayam lamo' as he tought me some basic local dialect and we discussed the track and how much more harder it gets as the distance goes by. We were rushing to Timpohon Gate. And to meet Pondok Kandis. 

Happy to be at square one, where we started, back home with Mika. But of course saddened to say goodbye to the majestic peak of my country. You are such a beauty, and I am so so so glad I decided to go say hello to you up close.

How technology has spoiled me.. this is too neat.

Run baby run

Its been a while we last ran together. Mens Health and Shape night run in Putrajaya this time around. As I write this I actually have finished the SCMKL but feel obliged to write about this too. I think this year was a bit packed, and signs of aging is slowly creeping in. Both my knees are a bit worn out post Kinabalu (yet to write about it too) and the sudden run right after ain't helping.

My playlist is a bit of a weird mix. Arctic Monkeys and my oldies yet goldie Butterfingers. I always run with my hands a bit fanned out as I pretend to sprint but in reality its my attempt at jiving to the song while I pound the pavement with my heavy load. 

It was a humid night, the crowd was anxious to start. The rain seemed to be teasing us by light drizzle and then pouring it all out after the run had ended. We missed all exits to Jalan Tun Razak. My dear friend was a bit upset we took her to Bangsar for a late night makan as we both thought it was 'along the way'. In all honesty I do not want to recall that night in that manner, how making assumptions can make the worst of situations. I had it happen to me twice. Anyways. 

I was a great night for a run. But I doubt I'd do another night run just cause it makes me so worn out anticipating gun time the whole day long. 

Will always be the morning person I am. 

Send off

Multiple times and countless hours I have spent at the airport, sending off my parents and more often than not - wet with tears.

The most annoying thing that could happen is having a family friend tag along and then be so busily keeping up with your parents that you hardly could get a decent conversation the final few hours together. 

We had a great month together, I was so blessed with so much help. My cousin was around, F came home every 2 weeks. Overwhelmed. 

And like electricity. Some one turned the switch off and I was left alone. Its a painful process but I endure it anyway. Walk around with a big smile, cause people don't know the things I go through. Surely they have bigger problems than me.

I had a great August too Tisha. 

The clouds remind me

On bright, cloudy days I think of you, I still do. But once the temperament of the clouds change, more emotional, more deep and darker in color. I get a bit mental. And opt to think about Him instead. I instill the anxiety and fear I should have as I look up. Tiny. Helpless. On judgement day, the angels will come down in a huge cloud, they come down as His witness.

Will I survive his wrath? 

Will my connection with the Prophet be enough to save me?

Al-Baqarah, 210 : 

They do not wait aught but that Allah should come to them in the shadows of clouds along with the angels, and the matter has (already) been decided : and all matters are returned to Allah.

You rock, your own boat.

Getting in the groove

How was your raya? I drove to Kendong the night of raya, after skipping happily from work early for an undeserving shoe shopping session - which I have lost cupboard space to hide my latest pruchase from F of recent. It was that time of the month again, this time I had great company to eat KFC and share stories while teething into the piping hot savoury chicken. In the car. Its amazing how I always discover new things about my friends, even after 6 years of friendship. Thank you, H.

Fell asleep at home tired and cramping like crazy and after I read of the much expected accident along the road to Nilai. Two accidents, at that. Snooze snooze lazy lazy.

Finally headed out at 7:30, and sipped happily on the iced milo in the car. Hesitant - not wanting to fill up my tank just in case theres another accident along the way. The roads were clear and the takbir was playing.. Wow, I thought. My first undisturbed and focused takbir session in solitude. 

I arrived soon after, clear traffic. Hugging Mika upon arrival, I took out a pack of popping fire crackers and tought the little man the temporary excitement the world offers the night of Eid. This year, it was all about me Mika. When you get older I will try to do more for you ok?

Pimple cream & I

Happy and you left me alone in the corner. I have some good news, will you be around to share them with me? My forehead is speckled silly with pimples. I felt adequately 14 as I browsed the shelves of the pharmacy for pimple cream.

A loyal bike, a forlorn set of racing tyres. Those are welcomed constants. 

Now that the holy month has left me, I feel unsteady, like a kid who just took off his training wheels. Metallica is playing on the 21st and I am going to go on a long awaited hiking trip. This will be exciting. Thanks for all the unnessecary buying, my favourite is the mini vacuum. Apprec8  love. 

Lets go to all our favourite places and pretend we could eat fast food our whole life through. I feel special everytime its just the two of us. 

***

Tell me a secret, tell me anything.
What's your weapon? What's your middle name?
What do you believe in? What's your animal?
Are you a cat or a dog person?

(I never knew you)

I wanna be a pillionn

Do you know the song, 'I wanna win a million' by Too Phat, in their Plan B album? Listen to it, as I sing the chorus in vain when I typed up the title of this entry. The word pillion and I go way back.. And in irony too. My F who is a die-hard speed junkie knows nothing of it, and my self-proclaimed english freek has never heard of it till 2008. Of course F would not know since pillion basically would imply he'd be sharing his ride..something he would not risk unless its none other then with moi, the queen of his hearts.

I read the passenger aka pillion needs to have as much protection as the rider himself. I joke and say I will wear my neon blue workeout gloves so I have better grip when he hits the brakes. He'd probably commit suicide first before he'd let me do that though..

Its a vice, just like you smoking.. Speed kills. But death is so near you can't smell it. So whats the point of stopping them again? The point is on the day of judgemet He will ask you why you did not take better care of his greatest gift to you, your physical being. The thrill of the speed is exhilarating to the point that it scares the shitties out of me that maybe it does have some hidden hikmah that I shall never find out so openly.

***

Under the tight helmet, I can only hear myself breathe. The visor down, and the wind is muted to a gentle buzz. I can't nag at F to have pity on me as he takes the corners of AKLEH, he won't be able to hear me. I pinch him in the stomach. He pulls his left arm away from the handle and rests it on my left leg, reassuring me. I can't help but smile. In this mechanical silence, I decide to think of Him, and let Him decide how it is we shall all die.

Kendong Again

Kampung Kendong, although you are not the place where I grew up in, we treat you like an old home, making plans while you are still standing. We try to find our favourite place to stow away for a mid-day nap. The best places would usually be on the sofa seat hidden in the faraway guest hall. You could basically hear nothing. If nothing was a sound, it was only present when you went back home to Kendong. 

We celebrate breakfast, at the earliest hours of 7am after prayers and a 20minute round of tug of war with the cousin next to you cause you could not place your duvet.. Instead it lies safely intertwined between the legs of your barbaric younger cousins. Kids.

In between breakfast and dinner.. A long pause of sunlight that is too bright for you to go out and enjoy. But the day's washing seemed to be doing so well. I'll just wash my stuff back home, I say lazily.

Come late afternoon where the humidity makes your hair stick between layers of your neck, the demand for iced drinks rises. Younger kids would make any excuse to go for a ride.. Ice-cream! Ice-cream you'd shout at them and tip them heavily with a 50 ringgit note. Ice-cream soda, too. I pedal Atok's bike down the empty road and stop by the massive green field. Kids playing football and hitting on me. Im old enough to be your mom.

The skies speckled with stars, night time falls and everyone looks forward to the evening agenda. Is something good playing on telly? Did someone bring home a big stock of firecrackers? Whats cooking..are you still hungry?! Reminsce the previous years when everyone was single or the fat cousin was as big as a lonely lamp post. Burst out laughing till your bugger comes out of your nose. Wipe it secretly under the concrete pillars of late Atok's front porch.

Mika now sees the world differently, it must be a generation gap thing but I beg to differ. You get bonus points for day dreaming about His creation. The trees, the monkeys, fruits you adore so much. Next year, we'll go on a fun trip and hope to score big points as I plan to dwell and relive the prophet's days in seclusion..maybe not so much of his fear..

***

"Indeed, in the creation of the heavens and the earth and the alternation of the night and the day are signs for those of understanding...Who remember Allah while standing or sitting or [lying] on their sides and give thought to the creation of the heavens and the earth, [saying], "Our Lord, You did not create this aimlessly; exalted are You [above such a thing]; then protect us from the punishment of the Fire..."

3:190-191

Solo yolo

Mama still the fairest of them all..

I've mastered the art of cooking for one. And trying to scrape the most out of all my dying veggies inside the fridge. You came when the sun was ready to set, the sky was crimson and made everything  tainted in a higher Kelvin number. I enjoy tanned skin faces and how the sun hits your eyes - makes them more dreamier and deeper for me to fall. Welcome home, sayang. It was Ramadhan 18.

Chua Boon Huat died last night of a car accident young age of 33. Nigella Lawson filed for divorce..current turn of events, none as important as your return home. Ramadhan 26 you will depart again, leaving me in a perfectly beautiful empty house. And I am reborn, into the hard shelled independent stubborn monster you have made me become.

It takes a single mom to know another single mom. I don't let it go to my head, so I try not to talk too much about it. Brushing off comments of friends in awe and reassuring my parents that I was made for this shit.

Like all other mornings you leave, it was a cold dark morning, my nose swelled from the cold airconditioning. Passport? Tickets? Short meaningless questions to the traveler. Its like a movie, and I am supposed to cry now. Right before he pulls me in for a hug. You'll be fine don't cry so much. This time its different. I refuse to cry because I'm still sleepy. And deep down, I can't put my finger on what it is about him that I am supposed to miss. Evidently, I have disconnected.

***

"And the heart of Musa's mother was free (from anxiety) she would have almost disclosed it had We not strengthened her heart so that she might be of the believers..."

28:10

Happy final days of fasting.

Repeat repeat repeat

Bulan ni banyak aku menitiskan air mata, kenapa? Sebab aku lihat Wardina dalam video dia cakap, biar lah ramadan ini kita banyak menangis dan menyesali apa yang kita telah kerjakan dulu..all the sins, the wrong doings, the hurtful ways we treated others. Sebab itu ke? Sebab Wardina ke? Aku memang idolize Wardina pon. So want to be like her. Just like her. Sure this sounds so petty. Trivial even.

That is probably why we fail to find the love for our Prophet (praise be upon him) and the things he fought for. I am still the logic-wired me, finding reasons to love him for without, I can't seem to brain why I need to love him..Such bold confessions. Makes your life seems empty, doesn't it?

The Prophet was a great man, all that good stuff you can read for yourself in numerous books and writings.. I just remember him as the one closest to the Maker and the one that will save me when my turn comes to the day of judgement. Even the angels pray for him.. Again, logic tells me that there must be a reason why even the angels would pray for him, and read the quran with him during the nights of Ramadhan. Why can't I put him on his much worthy pedestal? 

And so I read, and I try to understand what it was He wanted me to know. Perhaps when you are taught these things in young age, you can't relate..because nothing of such great impact has ever happened in your life. You never lost a parent, a sibling.. all you did was made choices that could never be undo. Ever. Now my favourite guy to google is Nouman Ali Khan, instead of - some random unknowns.

I cried a lot this month. Not at all trying to say I am more pious than you, or you. Just trying to relate how sad it is, to realize these things at such a ripe age of 30.

Kopi percuma bawah meja

This was last week. My first time ever ever eating in a public place during Ramadhan. Like I said before, life is good when you have friends to do things with. Solidarity ain't for us all. Its not the way we were wired. 

I've been eyeing my site visitor stats a bit more now and none of it makes any sense to say the least. But to those of you reading up to 2007,2008.. Well.. Ok fine read on. And those reading up to 10,18 pages in one sitting is just.. A bit.. Awkward.. 

How have you been, the last 19 days of fasting? Are your spirits still up? Do you still believe every prayer you say will be the one He will make come true? Or just too busy thinking about what to wear on the morning of Eid..? Guilty!

I am waiting patiently for my emotional booster to come home. 

***

Your body might be starving, but your heart would be smiling, if only you knew how lucky you are - Tariq Ramadan

Gedong Lalu Lalang

Dusun Wan Gedong Lalang

If it was up to me, I'd upload this one pic and let the rest file up in memory..on shelves. But nah, I will grow old and forget what it was you did and your character that was of a boy 1 year an 8 months of age.

Sepetang bersama Aunty Naz, Aunty Dila..and the Engris Teacho

Wah kalah org puase Mika! Take 5 atas sofa comfy itu sebelum ukur tapak rumah Wan..

Juadah Berbuka (nages skrg kin!) Simple yet meriah. Paprik!

Naz made murtabak that day. Impressive! Simple, clean, house. Seronok sgt dpt berbuka walaupun muka tak malu menginvite diri sendiri pergi rumah org.. Sheesh! Siap dapat bekal lagi bawak pulang. Terima kasih banyak sahabatku..

Kalau boleh Mika nak join Coco moreh sekali..tapi takpe la Mika, awk tak muat tu, you know that right??

Hey Mika - awk rase dlm gambar AES yang Mama tangkap aritu nampak tak muka awk yang kepenatan dlm back seat? Damn you AES. I thought they were extinct already!!! (Mama, please..!)

***

See, I can write like normal. Its just a switch I turn ON or OFF. I've had one too many people come up to me and ask me if I am OK. I am fine..just on the road of self discovery. Its not that easy, and no one ever said it was. And no one ever said you had to do it alone, right? So accept my writing, as my deepest confessions and my abstract way of reaching out to whoever you guys are that read this space. But if you do see me, don't ask me if I am ok. I am not an open book for you to read.

 Just tell me something new and wonderful about you, that will leave me with awe and make me smile.

Sejuk dan rapuh

a : sejuk kan KL?
n : aah weh, hujan kot.. kau mcm mana beb, sehat?
a : aku OK, cam biase la sayu sikit
n : eh...nape ko sayu mayu lagi..?
a : aku baru realize byk bende..hahaha. macam da 30 ni baru paham apa Tuhan kata selama ni 
n  : oh..
a : so its a lot nak telan
n : it is..
a : ahh babe, byk kau da ajar aku la. sedih.

Maka KL pon banjir..baik di Citibank mahupun di Menara 1 KLCC. Everything seems better when you have someone to do it with.

***

Aku tak mengerti, apa yang mungkin terjadi. Sepenuh hatiku, aku tak mengerti.

A new heart, please

Rare occasions do I get to complete all my housechores by 10:15am. It was another free weekend, one where Mika is happily entertained by his loving cousins. And I am left alone to enjoy the space, and time. It has been a while since I last watched a movie. Both of them were animations... Crickets.

I enjoy housework so much at times of unsettled thoughts. The creases in my clothes, made smooth by the hot steamy iron. I put RHCP's Californication on full blast on the docket. Jenga drifting in peaceful slumber in the living hall. I tiptoe out to see how loud I am and swiftly step back into the master. Curtains aside, I let the sunlight into the room and the calming scent of vanilla basks the morning.

The floors need scrubbing, as do the sinks. I found a neat glove that comes with a heavy duty scrubing sponge attached to it. Scrub away until the white shines through. And everything is new again... How easy that was.

I rummaged through my old jeans and took the favourite copper acrylic. An old toothbrush. In mere minutes, I made an old pair of boyfriend jeans new again. How easy that was..

It was an old pair I got at Changi International airport, the year was 2009 and it was just after Hari Raya. October to be exact. It was the perfect pair I needed.

How easy it was, to spruce up an old pair of jeans to make it last a few more years. Ramadhan is sort of like that, a short month out of twelve where God said, you know what, take a month off and remember whatever you have forgotten about Me..and the things I've promised. Obviously you have forgotten and have gone astray. I can't write much more cause I've been having a rough couple of days. Make the most of this time. I can only sense it slipping away.

How easy it was, to make your heart new?

As you grow

Being a mom is so rewarding sometimes but I haven't been able to truly absorb all of that goodness since I have been so selfish with my thoughts and let you grow on your own. And surely, you have. Cherish this moment, the time when you were my sidekick with no special power other than those rich black locks of hair, the time when you could hardly speak and kept on calling me Aboh day in and out, the time when you demanded to try everything and in disgust would spit out soft mushy foods. And then you'd beg for more, and we'd do it all over again. The time when the word ball and bird and dog and cat sounds the same. You kick pretty good for a baby I must say that we do plan on putting you into some sort of football club when you are of age.

Doesn't matter who you end up looking like, you are the best companion for me. F is almost always away.. I've been digesting whyyyy He made it so. We were never together for more than 3 months straight. Why? Need I be more independent? Did I need to learn to disconnect myself from him too? Sometimes I over think something to the point of total madness. Window pane.

Mika Mika Mika. 

There must be a reason. For this chaos. And your calmness in the middle of it. I think I am missing a huge point. Make me realize.

Lets go make a video Mika, where we suck our breaths and then stick out our tongue, wag it like crazy. Mama better press record, cause this ain't never coming back again.

The quiet goodbye..

It will get better.

It will hurt less.

It will end soon, He said, repeatedly. Was anyone listening?

The birds hid in their nests as the sun rose that morning. I was running late. 

In all honesty, I did not know what I was looking for. What the hell does closure look like?

I felt liberated. No dead weights. Just me and my emotions. A car full. I planned on opening the windows as I circled the same road. Hoping the emotions would flutter out the window. Lost.

What is the purpose of this life? And the sudden quicksand I have stumbled upon. 

Misery.

I have to let you go, now. To roam the worlds as you wish. Leaving me behind, where I left you.

I have let them both go, now. They were never mine, but borrowed objects to entertain a lost heart.

Dagger digs deep. And twists. 

A prayer for you, always.

***

And this worldly life is nothing but diversion and amusement. And indeed, the home of the hereafter - that is the (eternal) life, if only they knew. Quran, 29:64

First puasa! (mama!)

Aku tidur bawah meja kawan aku. Itu semalam. Tapi hari ni bertemankan sekotak kurma. Rezeki. Jgn tolak. Your body needs sustanance at times like this.

How have you been? Its been a while since we last talked. I have a newfound friend who connects me almost directly to you that it hurts. Tread carefully.

Wet my lips and my tongue starts to flicker. His name, praise Him, thank Him.. and life will be promised to be bliss. Whethere now or later, just let Him decide.

I have a funny meeting of sorts tomorrow. Again, nothing I have control over. Why bother with people who can't seem to appreciate you even as a person. I have real cool friends. And I need to eat, to remain the cool mom I am. 

Selamat berpuasa, cool party of mine.

Chasing ghosts and finding angels

Old diaries read, sweaty fingers flipping through the pages. Hoping, hoping to find pieces of my old self between the neatly written notes. Anecdotes, horoscopes. Green, red, black and blue ink. I have always been fickle minded. Printed email threads. Long lost, forlorn and rejected. I've never experienced heart break ever. Heart ache a plenty. I wiped the sweat off my forehead. Slowly, I tell myself. What is the rush if the game is already over? Laughter.

I've reached out and gotten some help along the way. Various friends, offering their advice and some shutting the door even before I got there. My logic-set mind still could not compute. Why did You put these thoughts in my mind? There must be a reason. Love Me Butch's Hollywood Holiday does not seem to be so light anymore. My balcony saw confessions, and more tears than I could ever imagine. Never in a million years would I have seen it coming, poor balcony. You are now officially a stimuli for sad thoughts, vulnerability and damp morale. Friends open up to me, shared their weaknesses, their flaws and fears, all in effort to make me feel better, not alone in this winding road to self discovery. I began to wonder why songs seem to be oriented around similar themes.

Disco. Disco. Disconnect. 

I do not want to die, with regret. Neither do I want to die, holding on to something that is not mine. Nothing is mine, actually. But how do you continue living, one side of you completely cut-off and the other, flourishing. Indahnya hidup aku.. I began to google things like letting go, being grateful, and started to spring clean the house. Re-arranging all the Polaroids neatly, discarding old mail, junk, mopping around the house, with a wet rag and a vacuum. It does your soul wonders. Some people took time off, to do some soul searching. My friend told me to go back to my roots. Check out what He has to say to you since the day you were born. Al-Baqi. Do You hear me now?

F has been all but kind and loving. I noticed I have pushed him out of my mind of recent. To make way for new thoughts? I don't want to get them mixed up. The words that come out of your mouth when you are angry and frustrated. Can be so dangerous. I speak less, and I've eaten less. Stick to the usual routine. Keep yourself busy. Ironic but that is what he probably did some good years back. Do I confuse you? F knows, how broken I am now. He has been too kind, to let me say the things I did. Did God intentionally make you an occurrence, and not a constant?

Here's a toast. 

To the rekindled friendship - those who know me since school, keep reminding me who I truly am; 

the ones going strong - and have kindly observed me since back then;

the new ones that came out of nowhere - you keep me sane, and human.

Till death do us part.

Which, after, I hope I get to meet each one of you in the promised Garden of Eden.

Mika's Meatballs

A staple snack for Mika almost every other week. I change between meatballs and a baked potato gratin of sorts. He has it as a snack, along with his box of fruits and main course. He is into more harder foods now and detests bananas or gooey gunk.

Makes about 50pcs depending on how small you roll them.

1 packet of minced beef (700gm)

1 clove garlic, crushed

Spring onion, chopped

Mushroom, chopped (I opt for white button or portobello)

1/4 cup of carb : couscous or boiled potatoes, mashed

1 egg

1 tbsp cornstarch

1 tablespoon worcesteir sauce (Lea Perrins) 

Pinch of :

Cumin

Paprika

Pepper

Salt (more than a pinch cause its a lot of beef to season)

Yogurt Dip

Yogurt - I opt for greek now

1 clove of crushed garlic

Chives or spring onion - chopped finely

Or, regular holland onion - chopped finely

Lemon zest

Squeeze of lemon juice

Salt & Pepper to taste

Mash all of the above between your fingers for maximum pleasure (lol sgt) but I do believe it feels good and you get all of the ingredients mixed well. I usually roll out the baby meatballs on a tray so that the workspace is kept clean and easy to maneuver.

I've experimented with various types of carb for the meatballs : cornflakes, potatoes, rice (if I use rice its usually with cheese to make fish meatballs which are yummy and bit less dense).

The dip is my take on Greek/Arabic food. Love the contrast against the dark heady meatballs. Put them in a pita bread, or over salad, its quite yummy actually. 

Have fun and let me know how it went?

***

A nice break from the normal heavy shit I write, I know. Missed this too.

In slumber. Alone

The house is quiet now, air condition vents moving up and down. Sweep, you say. I can hear distant key cards tapping as cars exit from the guard house below. Faint taps and motorcycles down the road next to the apartment. The night sleeps still.

When was the last time I was grant peace, and the bed all to myself? It feels selfish now, to have so much space. Alone. My thoughts lay out in front of me, from my now green bed to the living, uninterrupted - by pleas, balls rolling, or any other demanding bursts of energy. I am in worldy heaven. Alone.

I let my mind wander, through the curtains, the windows. Sliding between the wet clouds and fluff. Floating.. Dangerously far from gravity. I may stay afloat forever, denying the pull.

I wish I could still talk to you sometimes, you know?

***

Let's just say that there is always a full moon shining down on me though I never ask.

Goodnight, Kuala Lumpur.

Bisik bisik bilik

Maaf, aku memang tak berapa reti nak bercerita dalam bahasa Melayu. Ayat-ayat aku mesti penuh dengan kesalahan tatabahasa apetah lagi penggunaan perkataan yang ikut sedap tekak aku je.. Ya, sudah lama aku tidak mengarang dalam bahasa. Ah buat apa aku nak cuba sekarang? Does my English bother you? Don't worry. You will get used to it, the way I've gotten used to you smoking everyday.. Eh, lucu tak tajuk hasil tulisan hari ni? It was supposed to be bedroom whispers. Direct translation always cracks me up big time. 

Glad to see you smile again, Kin.

My english teacher used to be my elocution coach (public speaking) and she was married to my bahasa teacher ( read : syair dan sajak, pengsan sekarang pee in your panties panic attack setiap kali bahasa 2 waktu). The kids would always act out scenes from their bedroom, conversations cum arguments they would have about how poor my bahasa was vs how I excel in English. Heck, I excused myself from Bahasa to practise my speeches! Super lol.

My bedroom is the only room in the house which kept its original white walls, tranquil and serene. Its my favourite spot to sit and think, read a book, arrange my perfumes after Mika has had enough fun out of them.. Recently its the place where I speak to my Maker. Betul orang kata, masa bahagia, dunia ini bagaikan sangat mencukupi. Dalam erti kata lain, tidak ada apa pun yang akan diminta dariNya. Atau, sudah jarang berdoa.. Meminta agar sesuatu yang indah itu kekal. Bila jatuh ke dunia, baru lah rasa sakit, luka, pilu. Di saat itu kemain lagi tunduk pandang ke lantai, tadah tangan dan memohon ampun, petunjuk dariNya, a quick fix? Kenapa manusia diciptakan sebagai pelupa dan harus menangis? Aku selalu terkenang lagu Dewa. Ayat tadi itu lirik Dewa ke? Maaf, rip off pulak.

What is really bothering you Kin? 

It will be in these white walls, I sit, sprawled over my romantic bed while I blog about my thoughts.. Safe from sang arjuna cinta (cause he was wired an ignoramus chap and thats okay).. Safe from judging friends..and if I close my eyes long enough, I can hear my thoughts echo..off the walls, still without an answer..

***

I am no celebrity or artiste, but I do wish to dedicate this post to all my silent readers..odd people reading 1-2 pages at a go, some even more. Whatever it is you were looking for, I hope you found it. Peace, some quirky writings..and a little bit about my humble self. Thank you! ( and no, I have no clue who you are..your secret is safe with me haha).

Black Sands and Dark Shadows

This sadness that fills me every morning, is it meant to be here, God? Did you put it here for a reason? If it serves me no purpose other than remorse and regret, please take it away from me. Hide it. Bury it. Make it inaccessible to my thoughts. I've apologized to those I wronged, and I devote my life to You, now. It's a bit late to realize, that everyone and everything I have is just borrowed to me. Mika, please stay a while longer?

I've been thinking a lot about death lately. It has made me a bit more light hearted about the heavy topic. I think it is fair if I go, for him to find another. For Mika to continue to be happy. I've disconnected myself from people I used to treasure and believe was only meant for me. Mine. Some one once told me this heart was not even ours to begin with. He colors it for us, and plants love as well as ideas for us to take and grow on our own. If I blame it on evil whispers, will it make me feel any better?

Pantai Sepat was dark and empty that evening. I was so happy it felt like it was our own private beach. The romance I feel each time I set foot on a strip of beach, it is hard to explain. I don't think that many people know this about me. Mika loves the sand, trodding up and down the shore, walking close to the waves and screaming every time the waves came close. The slurry of sand sliding between his toes make him ticklish. He squeals and squirms, squeezing my hand in excitement. Mama loves you, baby. Grow up strong, and I will be there when someone breaks your heart. But please don't laugh too much, you cry a lot during your sleep when you do. 

Coldplay's Scientist haunts me..the wishful thinking that I could do things all over again. Fix things. Realize. I never would have imagined to learn something the hard way. Never never. Never. I did think I knew it all. The great determined one, finally failing..finally falling..finally.

I saw you the other day. You had on a dark shirt and your walk was the same. You looked good.  Tight faced, not even a slight twitch in the mouth to smile - or frown? Neither one of us knew it would come to this. You walked right past me, and I held my breath. Not to give anything away.

If God wanted me to bury it, I better start digging a deep, deep hole. Would I be lucky if I fell into the hole? It would be ironic and funny, actually. He would not be the one to laugh, she said.

Swimmers Paradise

(14 March 2006)

My baby and me,

Went out for a dip,

Bursting with glee,

We knew it'd be a wonderful trip!

We became like dolphins,

Playful in each other's company,

Mermaids,

              deep in the depths of the sea

Like pirates,

              fighting off other thieves

And like

             bandits,

Charging one another,

With make believe bullets,

                                        of love.

Chew~ chew~ chew~

Tired of lapping,

We stopped to witness,

Something exciting,

Yet calming with stillness

It was the sun setting,

Oozing bronze and gold in between,

Tells the time left behind,

Shall never be seen..

And so..

             Let us,

Splash, swoosh,  swim!

Those days I didn't even look at the sky

Listening to Alanis Morissette's Jagged lil Pill on repeat now, what am I, 11? Reminds me of walking in the district of New Market, downtown Dhaka. I search for something, a sense of belonging. Kids were listening to 'What if god was one of us.' I was learning life through Sydney Sheldon (what a perv) and my best friend was a short Turkish boy by the name of Can Baysan. He gave me a Pulp Fiction soundtrack cassete tape for my 11th birthday. 

The year was 1995, I was in the 6th Grade with Mr. Lewis and my favourite subject was Social Studies. It was so easy for me to spot and name the location of the photos that would hang in the "Guess the Location" in Mr. Lewis's homeroom. I recall winning a few of them spot on. Most of the kids were like me, nomads with no preference to any race or language. A mixed tape.

I was a blank canvas, the worst I did was shave my legs (once!) because all the other girls were doing it daily and stole a 'Saved by the Bell : Make-up and beauty regime' book from the local library. 

I was naive, I had to read about menstruation from a book and wondered how my mom wore her pads that were like an inch thick which reminded me of soft bread. They had superglue on the bottom and it felt like you had a wad of newspaper stuck down there. Giggle.

Dad didn't let me wear shorts when I went around on my mountain bike around Dhaka. Gulshan to Baridhara, was a far trip but still enjoyable. I ate mangoes so savagely I must've been related to Mowgli. I wore longer pants and cheated with shorts during Phys. Ed. Track and field was a favourite. I finally found

something I was OK at. Summers were spent watching TV, sleeping like a log and eating mayo rich chicken sandwiches at the Canadian Club and swimming like a frog.

Never once did I look up to see the stars and wonder what tomorrow would bring. Is that the definition of carefree? Years later I listen to songs with the lyrics like 'These days the stars seem so out of reach'. How ironic. 

1995. You were good to me.

***

It was Father's Day yesterday. He requested for rice with nuggets. What a lucky bitch I am? Bet you suckers had to cook your asses off for the Man of your life. We don't celebrate it, but gifts, and hugs are welcome.