Make cake?

Amazing is the cross paths that we sort of choose for ourselves - as a friend, as an employee, as a mother, as a wife..a person. As Mika's birthday grew closer I was wondering what I could do to celebrate it without being too extravagant and putting things to waste. Something simple and basic. Instantaneously I recalled birthday pictures taken from '87 and '88 when I was just a mere baby and Ashrul was a plump hell of a boy. Zarina said she could still remember her mix matched birthday cake that her parents made for her 3rd birthday. Amazing, I can only recally my 5th or 6th birthday cake.

We were in Pontianak, and literally the kitchen was as big as the living room. There were corners that I never set my tiny foot on (or so I shall continue to believe - well actually I asked my parents about the kitchen over the weekend) the dark corner was closest to the toilet that I never dared stepped foot into. 

I decided to make Mika a cake for his big 3. Its the orange and poppy seed butter cake with maximum sugar control (didn't taste ANY) and for the icing, I made butter frosting and used crushed raspberries, cherries and blueberries. Only to figure out after that pinkish fruit frosting doesn't really go well with a boy's birthday theme. It's still my party, even though I've reached the 3 year old mark about 10 times now.

Happy birthday my boy. Mama knows you love cake!!

Bending over backwards - for you.

Just having a slow moving Wednesday, and missing almost everyone I can. And then later I googled self-esteem and how to build it in our children. And just today, I texted :- my friend in Iraq, another in Korea, Vietnam and then traveled across to Jakarta to say hello.

And I still have one more well to complete before calling it a day. 

Miss this

I am currently working on graphics for a personalized bag and am going through some old pictures I have and am realizing how much I miss this phase. That's me juggling the super cold weather, trying to enjoy the sun and snow, whilst at the same time making sure the lil raisin bun is still alive and breathing underneath the fleece blanket. Fun fact - most of the time he would wail like crazy as the cold air shoots right into his baby lungs but then would happily fall asleep until we stop for a bite. We were just going across the street to Kepyeh (a lovely 3 story mall) and already I had my anxiety ready to burst just 5 steps out of the double doors.

Days go by and more things that used to be of ease to me is now becoming more of a chore. I have doubled my yoga intake now, thanks to this nice group of ladies who practice and have class right where I live - although secretly I can sense they are not fond of me mainly because I can do most of the poses but am hoping that the instructor will set the vibe for open learning process throughout. 

At 30, I believe the only remedy that works for me is good old cardio workout. And like my cuckoo bird buddy have mentioned. I need to make the best of the eggs while they are still fresh. 

There's a lot I miss.

It is Monday, and I am suffering the attacks from the silent killer pose of galavasana, pincha, as well as the full dancer's pose.

Blue hue hooo

Back from my wonderful vacation and straight into hell..at work. So hard to explain to people how bad the situation is. Catastrophic. Even though I can't spell out who was at fault.

I had no time to suffer from back-from-vacation-blues, or Monday-blues, or any sort of blue hue boo hoo.

I am so lazy to upload photos from our recent trip. I have to make it count!

Year end, everyone is making plans to celebrate - the year.

Let's all have a blast.

Love.

Take me here again

Time spent to reflect, to walk and see Him in everything around you - is humbling, is reassuring, and damn right it is scary. 

Once I passed by a girl and she had some parts of her body revealed albeit covering her hair -  and I was pressured to think that I needed to say something to her just to make sure she knew how much of her body we could see. But I bit my tongue. I cared too much about how people feel intruding their private space was not an open concept here. And surely I would not have enjoyed it either if it was me who had a complete stranger come up to me and say my arms were not fully covered, or my jeans showed the shape of my knee caps.

So it is true, the world is a living hell full of tests and beautifully covered up with things that sparkle and catch our eye. How easily we are deceived.

I dreamed twice, of you this week. We talked on the phone and again shared information and thoughts. I wake up and enjoyed the recollections of fiction, then I slowly pull my hair back in a tight bun and enter the bathroom to get ready for work.

Between Dhuha and Fajr'

Post Ramadhan,  I decided to trim down my scope on understanding the Quran. I found the longer verses of the Makkaniah times too long and as Nouman Ali summarized, the message is the same, and it is being repeated just so that it could resonate in the hearts of the ummah and make it a habit - to live by the messages.

Of late, I am enjoying the mind game I play on my own, as I chose to start memorizing the shorter more prose-like verses in the shorter surahs and this time with meaning.

Why is there both a surah on the time of dhuha, as well as a time of fajr? 

I think it is for us to see that, the world offers us the best opportunity to take heed and make a living for ourselves (Ad-Dhuha), whilst if we do not be careful (Al-Fajr), we can also succumb to the worldly delights and suffer from it too. 

"He found you lost, and guided you,

He found you poor, and made you self-sufficient" (Ad-Dhuha 7& 8)

"And as for man, when his Lord tries him and (thus) is generous to him and favours him, he says, "My Lord has honored me..
But when He tries him, restricting his subsistence for him, then he says (in despair), "My Lord has humiliated me!" (Al-Fajr 15 & 16)

Anyways, just food for thought, I am still trying to make sense of this but with restricted wanderings..its always best to learn these things with a teacher so as to not go astray. Happy reflecting.

Black mats and heart shaped boxes

I've always wanted to upload a post where I show all the different groups I am involved in, the different activities, the facades you have. Your interests. Looking for the photos was a bit tiring so I shall share this one here.

Of late it has been a lot about yoga, I do not run as much I think it shakes things up way too much in my body and the recovery period is a bit more damaging. Which is why I now stick closer to yoga and even doing it at home to make the most of the practice in class. 

This shot of us after class was just one of the nicest things we could ever agree to do together. That is the pixie of a lady Sazzy, and in front of her is the guest instructor for the night, Azmi. 

Money can't buy happiness but you are supposed to be wise on how you spend it. Make memories, go out and do stuff. Sure we are all lazy to get out of our comfort zone, but the extra mile of taking the time to do something different will make the whole journey a lot more enjoyable.

Hope for more zen-like happiness. Bottle it up and store it on the counter of health and good times. So I can reach for more whenever I am low.

And fold

I think I'm doing alright. 

Only thought about you twice, and the rest was mostly about dying and understanding other bits and pieces of life.

My only remaining task is to settle my worldly debts. Other than that its all on me. 

Sambung kisah makan bawah meja

I am 30 and I finally can read and make sense of what He was saying in His book..

This ramadhan I still ate under my table when I could, although minus the good company I had last year when I did it in Menara Citibank, I still enjoyed my unbroken tradition of eating something silly with a warm drink.

I am thankful that I am getting older, I think without age and wisdom I will never get this close to the Maker and dive into the poetry of His words. I think I have come to my senses and the wrinkles and unpretty complexion will not bother me as much as it did yesterday.

I enjoy my morning walks towards the office now even thoroughly than ever. My references to Him with what I see and hear around me is limited, wish one day I can reference him to my hearts content.

The only poetry book I ever needed was with me all along.

"And brought (within view), that Day, is Hell - that Day, man will remember, but what good to him will be the remembrance?" - 89:23

Morose May

"Morose May, go away.

I need my friends close so please let them stay.

But if it is time for them to go, I pray that you will look after them well, and be kind.

Take them far and surround them with happiness, share with them the rest of the world You own.

Spread the light of love and know and just know that you can come back anytime and things will feel like nothing has changed…"

Oh who am I kidding.  

May has always been a sweet month; my younger brother was born this time of year.

It has a feminine ring to it, May.

A number of people are moving, around and about. It’s about that time of the season, where we have ripened and matured – or have aged and rotted in the same spot.  Would not like to be the latter, but there is a cure for almost everything. A change will do you good. The annoying rhythm and beat of that infamous song comes to mind.

I recall the time when I did my first pass at the SLB interview back then in 2007 and it was in one of the halls that was facing one of the most beloved mosque ever. The interviewer had a piece of advice for me and it was to branch out and express myself more to the world rather than just make the world about my boyfriend and myself. I didn’t really think much about it at the time. I didn’t even show my real self to him and had already made passing judgments.

Post baby life, I realized how important it is to have people around you who are always ready to help. Some aren’t necessarily the type to lend a helping hand literally, but most have the intention to keep you company even if it means they will mess up your house just as much as your kid does in the period of time spent. I must smile. As painstakingly a bother it is at times, house chores should not see the last of me!!

I enrolled in a fit mob thing – there was a massive crowd of people doing the body combat moves and I was just busy copying the dude next to me cause I was just a blank screen when it came to this exercise. The tshirts were cool and I felt a bit like a make believe Lara Croft or the always coveted Chun-Li (like, where are you?!) but only to end up feeling like Marge Simpson cause I had all the dishes to do once I arrived home.

My brain is still buzzing, with excitement for my friends that are no longer here in town with me. You guys be safe. It’s amazing how we never really talked even when we were here together. But gosh, with the technology of telecommunications – it doesn’t feel that you have left me for one bit.

We iz cakeholics. Much.

As far back as I can recall, safely, I can say that almost all of my birthday cakes in my early years are made of thick, butter vanilla batter. The decadent DIY decorations, and the creative twists my dad would do on each cake as I embark a little bit closer to adulthood is still precious to me. Birthdays was THE deal back then – it was the only time where I could do no wrong and break any piece of porcelain without getting a scolding, bring the cat into the house cause it was my party that very evening. I still have photos of myself bawling away with microphone in one hand, my face pointed to the sky in a star-like stance and my poor cat almost slipping between my tiny forearms. I was always dressed in a fluffy frock – socks and all.

Later as the years go by and independence (or so I thought) was mine, we would find other means to fulfill the cake-ish demand we had. In Uni years it was the birth of the much needed Secret Recipe cake store. Oh man, its hard to begin to describe how much that store was needed – and the market was dying for something that had consistent quality and the variety of choices it provided to the customers. We would read the menus front to back, tick on the ones that we enjoyed most and double-ticked those we would plan to come back for seconds. We would ask our friends who would be making day trips into the city and bring back 5-7 boxes of the special cakes in one time. Back then the cakes were priced at rm7.50 per slice I still remember.

So many years later as I hit the big three-O mark – I still find it funny in a way that Mika enjoys cake just as much as I do. We big cake eaters we are. He enjoys looking at the frosting – saying how beautiful it is, and admiring the sprinkles and the metallic decorative tiny balls tumbled all over the creamy frosting. But mostly it is about the cake itself. I shared a lot of photos of him eating cake – and yeah, its pretty neat that he loves cake just as much as I do. 

To be King, and still happy

Recently I saw myself get out of my own zone of comfort by choice and it was purely to please somebody else. How often do we do that - throughout the day, to please the managers, to please our co-workers, to please basically everyone that is least deserving of such gratitude from our weak soul?

I chose the word strong character to being labelled as the mean one. Instead, I found it refreshing that I did everything I could to please my family. WOW. The sole purpose of life itself.

And through our loved ones, we may discover Him, and our love for our prophet may be rekindled. It is not wrong, to discover your purpose through different channels of life. I guess it is all part of growing up, and being a bit more grounded and making more sense.

The hotel was over the top, I know for a fact it is not me in person. It does not matter. The world is nothing but a beautiful, beautiful playground..and you will get lost in it if you forget the main reason why you are there in the first place.

I love you so much. Please let me see the true meaning of life, and still feel this happy in the life after.

Y is for you

How I keep my sanity and self worth with every breath and everytime I hold a pose through each count. 

It has helped me alot, you should try it if you are the curious one.

30

Goodbye e=mc2, v=ir,  y=mx+c, pretty skin, pitless energy, my fountain of youth. You have been real good friends to me in the past decade. We met briefly but you stuck around like it was more than your business.  

Hello motherhood, q=ka/u *dp/dx, office politics, patience. I never knew this is what turning 30 would feel like. Adieu, 20 to 29 years old me. Adieu, best 10 years of my life. It was real fun while it lasted... 

Bismillah, and Alhamdulillah.. Goodbye melancholy, infinite sadness.

Baby blue and gray

Air ran out of my lungs and I was confused if I was supposed to exhale or take more in. Just the profile of you and already I could feel the pieces of giant concrete  walls around me crumble to the ground. A massive explosion... And quietly the world became a gentle buzz of static. I could not hear the conversation, she was complaining too much for me to bear. 

An opted blackout. 

It was just you and me in the lobby now. And as I exhaled, I let you go - again, into the bright sun.

Later that evening it poured, like the uncried tears from my eyes as I soothed the pounding ache away. 

 

The rain, darkness and a song in a minor key, was all I needed.

This party is old and uninviting,

Participants all in black and white,

You enter in fullblown technicolor,

Nothing is the same after tonight.

- incubus

Two trees

This is funny, its like reaching out of a dream. One that you keep on having repeatedly and then realizing its not a dream anymore. I've been following some celebrities on social media and most of the time none of it brings me any good. Sometimes I feel envy, jealous for all the wrong reasons. I refuse to subscribe to them ever since - same goes for shopping sites and instashops as I call them. 

But when my buddy signed us both up for yoga - it was a pleasant surprise that it was to attend the infamous (well, to me it was infamous) yoga house that belonged to one of the local celebrities here. But to enroll for an intermediate class? Well, that was another thing altogether by itself!!

The class is well spaced out, with contemporary music playing in the back so you won't lose yourself to the music. The instructor was a lady, and with the small number of participants (yeay for me!) the instructor gets to attend to you and corrects your move as needed. The poses are intermediate and challenging as I am sure the other girls in the class (celebrity included!) are pretty strong.

I still suck at chaturanga dandasana. My upper body needs to beef up to support my butt - or I need to make my butt smaller so that I can carry it. Which makes no sense at all.

Can't believe I stopped training for a long while. Brings me back to the days - when all I had on my hands was time and small change shoved up my jeans pocket. Call this a new year resolution - but I intend on stuffing in more yoga (free or paid for, either or) as a present for myself turning 30 soon.

Yesterday we did headstands and I was so proud of myself like shit.

Beach Hogging at Two

My name is Mikael, did my Mama tell you how much she loves me?? Lol. What a cheesy entry. Boo. Since when were you ever scared of the waves?

Your bangs are long now, and the plan is to keep them chin length so that you could just keep them behind your ears. Sorry I am not that creative at putting together a manly look for you - the clips and rubber bands tilt you off the scale at the female end. Don't worry, Mama for sure knows you have not confused yourself with a girl. Well, #1 - you don't know gender bias ; that blue is for boys and fuschia and pink are for girls, #2 - you don't know the difference between a boy and a girl to begin with.

After turning two, you have a better memory of things and you pick up more on the surroundings. The sound of the waves overwhelm you - the beach sands please you - and the wind, well the wind is the secret behind the flying kites you so adore. 

One too many farewells

Six years later and my roots have grown pretty deep in the work that I am doing.. Today, two of the most important person in my career are leaving and like a bird in an empty nest, I feel abandoned and helpless.

I did not give him the farewell I had planned out days before. To thank and appreciate him for his support and faith in me. All of it left, by the clock striking 6.

That evening I shook hands with him and I knew he was aware of each of my thoughts and how I felt. 

Don't get frustrated.

Don't get too excited.

Don't lose hope.

Don't become a stranger.

It was like the list of things I'd leave before parting ways with F or my younger relatives. We both knew the last one was just so that it wasn't obvious what one thing you were talking about.

I pounded the pavement hard on my way to the train - confiused if it was extra hard from my riding boots or it was my brain wishing to explode and the feeling of lost hope swallowed me as the sun left the sky.

Don't cry. 

That was probably all he meant to say to me just now. 

Let me at 25

Ice ice baby

I adjust myself in the chair, lazily I put my legs out onto his, and under my son's ignorant eyes - I weave my legs below his. I appreciate that about him - F - I mean, allowing me to put my legs up on the car's dashboard and use him to prop myself into comfort. I usually stuff my feet under his butt for warmth and comfort - you should try this with your partner for fun.

Outside the sight of snowy peaks and haggard terrain fills up the frame. This is Almaty. Located on the opposite side of the infamous Annapurna peaks and the Himalayas, Almaty bears a bit more to its geographical surface. A sudden hush of oohs and aaahs fill the air - or was that just me? As mainly the other passengers looked local.

We don our winter gear in the luggage collection area - bribing Mika with the ipad (please forgive me) and bundleling up real nice and cozy I can feel butterflies in my stomach from excitement!! Aside from the beach, I love love LOVE winter and snow!!!!!!!! Exclamated much?

I sat next to a tall Kazakstani woman who carried her baby through the gate doors like it was a christmas hamper. Gosh she was so tall and the ladies here are a beautiful cross of chinese features with siberian charm and fairness. Gawk alert. I am unaware/don't care that they are staring at my unruly and foreign presence either. The lady had a newborn with her of about 3 months. She had no reservations about openly breastfeeding her offspring while sitting in the aisle seat.

We touched down Astana and again my excitement bubble was so so so majorly ready to pop. Astana, Kazakhstan. The weather was a nice -11degC that night.

Welcome to ice-land and subzero weather!!! 

If escapism was a choice..

I loved greatly but always felt like I was not getting more or I deserved more than I got..sometimes this feeling is so great that I make it a point to hang out with my friends so that I remember what my character is like. Its so lame I know - but is it part of motherhood?

I did not live gently - I do not recycle, do not eat organic thus encouraging the harmful chemicals used by harvesters and farmers, although I do take the train and avoid littering in public, my carbon footprint is still pretty massive.

The last one is a bit hard.. What did I have to let go in life? Almost nothing. From the way I see it life is all choices and decisions you make for yourself. Not because one option became unavailable that you had to take the 2nd choice. The more I think about it the more I think I am not graceful at all.. Mainly because of the fact that I can't let go of one thing that has been bothering me ever since. I guess this year I need to work on finding closure and self forgiveness..

To a healthier and self fulfilling year ahead. 

Please take me to Bali?