Monthly Archives: May 2008

I just opened my gmail, and I have an email from netflix saying that “Life’s Greatest Miracle” is coming to us.   I have not paid any attention to our queue, and we are going through it thanks to our little indie Marathon (we have watched 2 out of 3).    I would like to think that maybe this is an indication we will have our own little miracle – but who the hell knows.

Travelerher was right we are in OPK season again.  We had an appointment with Dr. B today to check follicles and I have two (11 & 12) so we will be doing OPKs this weekend and if there is no surge then we will go back on Monday.   I am off the clomid which was not horrible, but I was am a bit sensitive.   I have gone to two acupuncture appointments, and I have re-fallen in love with it.    I walk out feeling so relaxed, and she thinks that all of my hormones are balancing.     Even if it does not help me get pregnant, I really love having something I can concretely do while waiting for the next IUIs.    Anything that helps with all the waiting is good in my book.    

Also, a trial at work was postponed yesterday until june 19, which is after the two week wait and I could feel my stress rushing out of me as I was walking back to the office.    All the ducks are getting into a row and waiting.    I am excited for the weekend because we don’t have any significant plans besides some major crafting work on baby quilts, perhaps some movie watching, and I hope some really good time with H. before I get back on to that progesterone (and maybe even some s.e.x.). 

That is how it feels here on CD1.   We had a really good weekend – We did a ton of nesting:we worked on the baby quilts a bit, filled our fridge with groceries and started to work on the new coffee table we are building.  

I talked to Dr. B’s office today – we are going to do the exact same protocol (clomid, IUI, then test progesterone to see if I have to go back on those darn suppositories) and I feel pretty good about all of that.    I also made an appointment to do acupuncture. I had really gotten into it back in November and that cycle went very smoothly all up until they found that gigantic cyst.   And I just fell out of it what with the stress of the holidays, and then the surgery.   I am excited to start going again if nothing else for my nerves. (That sentence makes me sound like I am at least 30 years older then I am but acupuncture in the past was very calming for me.)

In a way it was really nice to see the blood today because at least it is the start of the next cycle.   Giddy up pony, giddy up.

That is what we have over here in Brooklyn. We did a test last night and had a blood test today. We are both really sad – but on the upside I get to go off the progesterone, we are both home from work at 5pm, we ordered Mexican, we have a bottle of good red wine, and we are going to watch Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark (we are going to watch all the old ones before we go see the new one).

Other really good news is that our third niece was born today. She is beautiful and everyone is healthy and happy which brings some comfort on this otherwise rainy, cold BFN day.

Now they were very small, smaller then a pencil eraser, but I freaked out this morning while sitting in the courthouse bathroom.  (Why do things happen at the most inconvienet of times? why?)    I called the doctor’s office, and apparently this does not MEAN anything, it could be implantation bleeding, irritation from the progesterone, or of course the start of my period.   I am trying to see it as nothing is over until my period really starts, this has gotten harder as the dr. googling has progressed.   Additionally, H and I just had the to test or not to test debate.  We are not testing. (I think)   Tomorrow we know.

P.S. I hope all of you got to see California’s Supreme Court decision – It is truly inspiring and treats us queers as real people.   I love it!

So I am a social worker for our city’s child welfare system.  I don’t investigate child abuse allegations; I basically sit in my cubicle and write policies for our agency.  Right now I am working on a policy about how we provide sexual and reproductive health care to youth in foster care.  As a part of this assignment I conducted a focus group yesterday with young women in foster care who have a child (or children) or are currently pregnant.

While I think we can all agree that being a teen mom in foster care is not ideal for either the mom or the baby, I had a moment  yesterday (and I am ashamed to admit this) when I thought, “you are all so lucky.”  If that isn’t f*ed up I don’t know what is- I was jealous of teen moms in foster care.  Wow.

I hope we get good news on Friday.

First I really want to say thank you for all the lovely comments on my last post – they all made me feel normal, and I am happy to say that at this point I have a ton of hope for this cycle which brings me to the items of note about this cycle.

1. I am craving only salty foods – not sugary which is NOT normal at all.

2. I have so many cramps.

3. I have been exhausted.

4. Our cat Ellie is obsessed with me (she was sleeping or walking on my chest ALL night long last night, the night before, and the 3 days before that). Consequently, I have sore boobs, and I do not sleep well. H. said she is trying to secure her place before any baby comes (poor kitty she already is the middle cat).

5. I have been having vivid dreams, probably because of the above?

All of these symptoms, minus an obsessive cat could be because of that darn progesterone! We will find out for sure on Friday, and we are doing everything in our power not to test until then. Those of you who got an HCG shot, how long did you have to wait until you could test so you would not get a false positive? We just might not have the strength to wait for the blood test.

Whew…. am I really feeling the progesterone.    I am sitting at my desk and googled side effects for progesterone and the results I could have written myself.  I am so tired, irritable, overly hot at inopportune times, and of course the discharge is pretty bad (I should have gotten thicker pantyliners – I have not worn a “pantyliner” since I think I was 12).   The worst is really the snappiness – I just don’t have much patience – I feel like there is a communication barrier between me and a lot of the world right now.   I have been telling my self that I might just be drug crazy.  Poor H and I have been bickering – I hate bickering especially with her, I love her so.

And then there is the problem of hope.   I don’t want to be a Pollyanna – although I have to say I am about most things in my life – but I do hold hope that we will get pregnant on this cycle.   I have been stuffing it down, telling myself not to hope and to not be too disappointed if this cycle does not work.   I very well know that it most likely will not – I have PCOS, this is our first cycle and life does not normally work that way.   I have seen our dear lesbian friends (K&K) struggle to get pregnant and now they are after IVF, I have read so many blogs, but on the other hand, I know people who got pregnant on the first try.      I go back and forth almost every two hours: “I just think I might be pregnant”, and “There is no way you could be pregnant – protect yourself don’t get crushed.”   I think it might be the drugs talking, but mainly I think it is the problem of hope.   Hope despite the odds is difficult when you want something so very much.  

I know you reading this understand what I am saying.  

I am on day 5 past insemination and this morning I had my progesterone checked, and it was a sad 11.01, actually I don’t really know if this is horrible but I am going to be on progesterone supplements. I have been feeling hopeful, and with this news I just feel less hopeful and I know from reading others experiences with them that I am going to be sitting in discharge all the time – gross. (I purchased some pantyliners today too.)

Our second IUI went well on Saturday, although the nurse was on call instead of the Dr B., and I have to say that although i like this nurse (“J”) a lot (I even helped her with some legal questions she had a couple of weeks ago), she was a bit negative and had her own troubles with fertility and it was not ideal to be listening to her fertility problems as she was inserting a tube through my cervix – that was just a time when we wanted to think only positive thoughts. Hopefully if we need to do another IUI, Dr. B. will be able to do both because even though she is colder, she is more positive about us getting pregnant.

Anyway, I have been talking to what I hope is a little baby in making, telling it that we want it, and I hope it is in there listening.

(actually it began a November with a attempt that ended in surgery) But this is the real beginning.   I have a supervisor at work who knew that H and I were having such a crappy beginning to this year, with both of us having surgery that she kept asking when my birthday was, because she said “that will be the beginning of your year this year.”   I have been taking this to heart and TTCing wise it has been true, my birthday was on 4/20 and on 5/1 there I was with a 20 mm follicle and a trigger shot in my hip.   Yesterday H and I left the doctor’s office with shit-faced grins on our faces and it felt like midnight on the best new year’s ever.    We went in this morning and Dr. B said that our donor looked very mobile and now those swimmers are hopefully searching for my nice egg. (I have been affectionately calling it “my big fattie” – I assume that is a compliment to an egg.)    I must admit that I was nervous before the IUI began, but it was not at all painful for me, and I feel now really calm about the whole thing.  (Except for one second this morning while talking to a client I thought to my self -“holy shit this is crazy.”)  H was really cute after it was all over, I was lying there and she was talking to the sperm telling it how to find an egg and make us a baby.   It was a wonderful start to a day – really.

We go in for another IUI tomorrow at 8:30, and we are having a baby focused weekend: tonight we are going to go see baby mama with a bunch of friends and then we will be working on baby quilts for our friends who are having twin boys in September.   We are aiming that they look something like this with one being themed blue and the other yellow:     

p.s. I am excited that others are twwing now too – it somehow makes it all so much better.