Before bed last night, I was looking through my insta feed and this girl’s shared an old picture of herself with her son, taken about 8 years ago. Her son is 13 now. 

It hit me then and pretty hard, that in what feels like a blink of an eye, I’ve been married 11 years (today infact) and my kids are 9 and 6. I’m terrified that before I know it my kids will be grown up and gone. 

Just like I don’t know where this past summer went. Ramadan, India trip, the last two weeks…just sort of zoomed by. The kids go back to school in about 10 or so days (to grades 5 and 2 no less!)

Like every year, just before this momentous step into the next academic year, I seriously review homeschooling; Z and I discuss it and the kids go back to school. We did that this year too. I’m ever hopeful that someday we’ll come to some sort of an agreement, this husband of mine and I. 

This year I’m not working (freelance gig is done, haven’t taken up anything else) and I’m seriously contemplating stopping the Arabic tutoring that I do – just to squeeze a little more out of the 4-5 hours I have with the kids once they’re back from school. 

You read it and sort of feel it when the kids are younger but 6+ it really hits you – the days are long, but the years are so short. SO true. 

I’m posting a disclaimer right here that this post will probably be long and rambling and possibly strange. Everyone hits a spot in their lives, some point in or soon after their early twenties where they realize they’re not invincible but in fact mortal like everybody else. For me though, this wasn’t a real turning point or anything of that sort where it came to death. This might stem from the fact that as a practicing Muslim I’m always reading about and thinking about death and prepping for it and life after it quite a bit, maybe?

The turning point came when we’d just moved to this apartment, about five years ago. It was within the first month that I heard of a horrific traffic accident where two pedestrians, young girls in their late teens, died in a rather gruesome way. I was bummed of course but it got worse when I found out that one was related distantly to a friend of mine. I found out all these random facts about her – she was like any other 17 year old, and I couldn’t stop thinking about her.

A couple of years later, I lost my mom’s brother rather suddenly and his death impacted me in a big way. He’d been a giant part of my childhood and even though we were no longer in touch on a daily basis, I thought of him nearly every day after. It’s been two years and I still think of him twice or thrice a week. That’s just the kind of person he was. When I went to India, everyone I met had good things to say about him. How in their moment of need, he’d come through. 

That same year I read this article about how we should be living our lives the way we want our eulogies to be read. It struck me then that my uncle had achieved that beautiful medium. He had lived in a way that made remembering him a pleasure. 

And finally, a year ago when those three kids were shot to death in Chapel Hill. Their deaths really moved me, but even more so it was how beautifully they were being remembered. It was as if I’d known them personally, and I might have grieved for them harder than some people that I’d actually known. Once again it hit me that these were kids that had lived their lives in a way that they were remembered in a truly beautiful manner. They probably did it unawares but regardless there’s a lesson in it for those left behind. 

And through this same time frame, alongside this journey of understanding and accepting death, because of the Islamix course that I was doing – I’d also been thinking about what kind of Islamic behavior I wanted to focus on. I thought to myself, while I do okay in all other areas, I should pick one area to try to excel at. I put a lot of thought in it and picked manners. I decided I want to have beautiful manners and I think that’s what I want to be remembered by.  

It’s nice to have that sort of focus, actually. 

The simple answer to this question is yes (and there’s the proof!)

I do say yes a lot, to the point where I end up taking on too much even when I don’t have the bandwidth to deal with it. Occasionally, I’ll even end up double booking my time because I have a sieve-like brain.  I am working on this though. I am training myself to stop and think rather than just going ahead and saying yes.

But what this question has made me think about is if I say yes enough to myself. And the answer is no. This is something I need to start doing on a bigger scale. 

Not to say that I am unselfish, and don’t make nearly enough time for myself, my needs and wants – I do but I do so only when I absolutely need to. It’s sort of like drinking enough water. If you’re drinking water only when you’re thirsty, you’re already dehydrated and you still end up getting less than you actually need. 

And so these are two things to balance – to say yes to others a little less while saying yes to myself a little more. 

I do mean to write more often, I just understand why it doesn’t happen. 

Mamu had a baby boy, H3, in September. I was in happy tears and broken hearted at having to be so far away from those lovely newborn cuddles! I guess the fact that my parents were able to go see him sort of eased the ache. He’ll be here in December and we just can’t wait. The kids, especially!

In November, Z had a minor surgery and that really upset our routines. But he recovered well and things are back to normal once again. Both kids have been great about being careful around their father. 

November was also the month that Hasoon turned 6. It was a milestone he’d really been looking forward to. On the day, he got out of bed and said carry me mama and immediately followed it up with an explanation of how I can’t carry him anymore because 6 year olds are big and heavy. I baked him a Dino cake and he was over the moon. The Jurassic World craze has been a resident of our house for a while now! 

The kids will be on their winter break soon. Z will be home for part of their hols, albeit studying for his finals. We hope to hang out with our homeschooling buddies who we don’t get to see as much as we like during the school months. 

Yet another year is nearing it’s end. I will try and do a highlights post at some point. Until then, sayonara internets. 

My last post was in December last year! That is a long gap of not blogging, possibly my longest yet. Lots of interesting things have happened in the mean time. Like Noo turning 8, a wedding in the family and hence a trip to India and other things that I cannot remember at the moment, peppered with lots and lots of grade three drama.

We are almost at the end of the school year and looking forward to Ramadan. The third grader (with all the aforementioned drama) is gearing up to write exams this week. She informed me that her teacher said these exams are not important and hence she doesn’t need to study* for them at all. Thanks, Mr B!

The almost first-grader thinks school is boring, but is miffed that he is no longer the fastest boy (at running) in his class. Apparently, a kid we’ll call Y got really fast over spring break.

Both kids spent time with younger cousins in India during our trip in April and are now convinced they’d make wonderful older siblings. They’ve been hounding me to have ‘one more baby’ and I’m hoping that mamoo’s baby (who will be here in September yay!!) will deflect their baby cravings.

So that’s all the news (that I can think of at the moment, anyway) from this corner.

*We do twenty minutes of reading followed by a thirty-minute break. Don’t feel bad about rolling your eyes.

You know those beautiful videos where a whole lot of effort has gone into making one person feel really really special? I’m a sucker for those videos, those stories – a total sap, that’s me!

What I’m discovering now is that so is Noo! She is, by nature, thoughtful and sweet. She likes going the extra mile to make someone feel special. Everyone in my family has been in her loving spotlight at least a dozen times each. I wonder if she’s letting us know what she wants by doing those things for others?

I do what I can when I can – lunchbox notes, special treats or ‘fancy breakfasts’ once in a while, and the weekly spa treatment where I give her a hot oil massage, head and body and let her soak her feet or occasionally her ‘fancy bubble bath’.

I’d love to do something really really special for her because I see how much she loves these grand gestures. She will watch dedication videos or videos that moms make for their babies and her eyes get all dreamy and her expression, I can’t describe it. I’ve got my thinking cap on but, internets, if you have any ideas, spill!