"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them." Psalm 127:3-5

October 15, 2012

Everyday

This is the stuff everyday is made of:
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 I try to make sure we all brush our teeth everyday,
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and read our Bibles,
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and change our underwear,
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and eat at least one remotely healthy meal,
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and play outside,
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and do our chores.
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I try. I really do.

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But it doesn't always happen.
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But I KNOW this happens everyday.
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The pillows always come flying off the couch
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as do the boys.
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No matter the day,
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No matter the weather, 
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no matter what.
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THIS is what we do.
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Everyday.
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October 1, 2012

The Reality of it...

I thought it was time for a post about baby seeing as how I'm 26 weeks already and haven't given a single update. 

We skipped the opportunity to find out if we get to start buying all things pink at our 20 week ultrasound.  Let's face it, we're quite certain baby has boy parts.  No, not because the tech slipped or we for sure saw anything on the ultrasound; we are sure it's a boy because we don't know anything else!  And it's going to be a boy, of course, because naming a 4th boy seems daunting to us.  I went through an entire baby name book and disliked every single one I read.  And the name I thought I liked is kind of making me gag at the thought of actually calling a child by that name forever.  We're taking nominations--and at this point if you pay me enough money I might just take yours and be done with it :) 
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At the 20 week ultrasound we did get some alarming news--the baby's heart rate was abnormally low in the doctor's opinion.  Because of some complications with blood work from me after Gabe's delivery (combined with a clotty placenta at his birth) I had been referred to a Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor this time around.  When the doctor heard Gabe had been diagnosed at birth with LQT he went into a panicked frenzy in front of me.  I was completely caught off guard and not sure how to respond, seeing as how this wasn't a concern in my mind since this was not why I had been referred to this doc AND because Gabe does not have LQT anymore.  Needless to say, the doctor insisted on an as-immediate-as-possible Echocardiogram of the baby's heart and added a slue of appointments to my itinerary. 

The last 6 weeks have been hard, there's no other way to describe it.  I was greeted harshly with the reality that because of our experience with Gabe and his precious little heart, no pregnancy would ever be treated lightly again.  I have spent many mornings in doctors offices of many kinds listening to one disheartening blow to reality after another.  First it was the office of the doc performing the echo.  This doc does a lot of research and we have been contact with her multiple times since Gabe was born.  I wasn't prepared to walk into her office that day and have her tell me that Gabe surely still has something going on inside of him even though he doesn't have LQT.  (By the way, we don't agree with that but it's hard to hear doctors say unfounded things like that and not take them at their word since they are, after all, doctors.)  I reminded her that I was there to talk about the NEW baby and not Gabe and she got back on track.  She advised us to participate in a biomagnetism research study in Wisconsin that could determine even now if baby has LQT or not.  We are still discussing this option. 

Following that appointment, my midwives labeled me as "High Risk" and decided they were no longer willing to see me.  This was another shocking blow.  When I delivered Elliott and Gabe at our hospital, I happened to have the same nurse both times and I loved her.  She was in the process of becoming a midwife.  When we found out I was pregnant with this baby I decided to switch to her practice and have loved it.  My reason for switching had nothing to do with my previous OBGYN.  So my sweet midwife delivered the news a few weeks ago and I was crushed.  I didn't want to switch to the OBs in her practice that I didn't know.  I was unsure how it would work to switch back to my old OB given the number of specialists I have been seeing and not knowing if they work together or not. 

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It just seemed liked there was more harrowing news at every appointment.  The baby's heartrate continued to be low (120bpm) at each appointment and all anyone ever talked about was that the baby probably had LQT.  I had to keep reminding myself, "All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness."  Psalm 25:10.  All of them.   But I kept wondering, "Can't there be some other reason why a baby has a low heart rate while still in utero?  Why isn't anyone even considering these other options?"  Googling turned out to be about as helpful (or not!) as ever when you're wondering about medical situations.  I quickly had to abandon my search or I thought I might send myself into a panic. 

These past few weeks I have been fearful of what is to come and trusting that God is already there.  I have been rejoicing that God is knitting this baby together in my womb FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY and I have been agonizing over walking the same road we've walked before.  I have been asking God for a miracle knowing that he does heal and have ashamedly doubted that He would choose to heal another baby of ours if it were born with LQT.  I have been panicky when I don't feel the baby move for a while and rejoiced (in an odd way!) when I feel the baby tap dance on my bladder!  Some moments I wonder if the baby will even be born alive and other moments I imagine dressing a little girl in tights and sparkly mary janes. 

Today greeted me with refreshment as I visited the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctors again.  I got to see my baby's sweet face on ultrasound again, a treat that I get to enjoy frequently throughout this pregnancy due to all of the extra hype!  And God was so kind to give me a different doctor with a less-panicky opinion of the situation.  He thought all of the panic was unfounded, due to the fact that Gabe does not have LQT.  He thought the heart rate was low, but not dangerous or questionable.  He took his time to get ALL of the details of my history (and Gabe's) down and basically concluded everyone was making a big deal of nothing.  He explained to me some other situations why a baby could have a low heart rate but quickly said that none of those were possibilities because he was looking at the heart on the ultrasound and it was pumping beautifully.  He encouraged me--actually said he'd prefer me--to stay with the midwives (if they'd keep me!) boasting that they were "very intelligent women."  And he decided that there was no reason for me to keep coming back to the MFMs so often.  His final thought was, "I want to see you again in 6 weeks.  But not because I'm concerned about the baby's heart.  I want to see you back because you have HUGE babies."  Ha!  That was music to my ears. 

I was so grateful that he had listened.  I was so pleased that he had an informed understanding of LQT.  I was blessed by his peaceful and spunky demeanor.  And I was reminded again that I could easily hope in his opinion because I like it.  But that my ultimate hope and satisfaction are in Jesus alone.
 

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The reality is that I don't know if this baby will have LQT or not when it is born.  Neither do any of the doctors.  God alone does!  But I am thankful that it seems like the reality of the next 14 weeks are a little less doctor-filled and panic-inducing than they seemed like they were going to when I woke up this morning.  I'm thankful that I get to enjoy this precious baby face today while trusting my God to uphold his little heart! 


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(By the way, we would LOVE your prayers that this baby would indeed be born with a normal QT interval!)


July 23, 2012

Gone Fishin'!

On Friday afternoon I was working on finishing a project quickly before putting my sweet boys down for a nap.  At precisely the time I was ready to call them up, Elliott comes upstairs to show me what he had been diligently working on at the kitchen table for the last few minutes.  My little monkey had found a very large stick, resourcefully gotten the kite string down from its basket in the garage, and constructed his very own version of a fishing pole. 

So what did we do? 
 We abandoned naps for the day and headed down the street to the duck pond.
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To say they were excited is an understatement!
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 All of these ducks had been resting peacefully on the bank but quickly fled to the safe confines of the water as my anything-but-quiet brood of boys announced their arrival. 
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 Elliott immediately sat down and got to work.  He was excited because, "See, Mom!  There's even a hook on the end that the fish will get caught on." 
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 Gabe got to work quickly as well.  He hastily tossed in our entire package of bait, upsetting his brothers and himself that there was nothing left.  (It should be noted that our bait was hot dog buns.  I insisted we not waste time looking for worms in our parched, cracked soil before we left the house.) 
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 After Gabe had disposed of our bait, we realized we had another problem.  Somehow, in the 3 minutes it took us to get from our house to the pond, Caleb had misplaced his paperclip.  "There's no way I will catch a fish without it, Mom.  The paperclip was going to hook the fish."  I agreed to head home but made them sit by each other first so I could get this photo.  I only got one shot because no sooner had they heard the shutter and they were back on their bikes, Gabe in the stroller, and we were headed back home to gather more equipment. 
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 We put together another line with a new paperclip for C-man.  He could hardly contain his excitement.  I grabbed a stale loaf of bread so we could have more bait and we headed back out the door. 
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 Caleb wasted no time casting his "line" and as you can see Gabe was already busy at work tossing in bread.  (This time I tore up the pieces into tiny chunks in hopes that it would last longer!)  There are some seriously large fish in this pond.  You can see one to the right of Caleb's line, coming up to eat some of the bread.  The boys inform me that they are small mouth bass.  It could be, for all I know, which is nothing. 
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 I desperately wanted to capture the fish as they surfaced but the little boogers are too fast for me.  You can see the dark shadow of one underneath the ripples. 
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 Gabe was a faithful bait distributor the entire time.  "FISH!" He would yell with each toss.  The amount of bread he gave them might have something to do with their size. 
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 Though Elliott was the mastermind behind this entire plan, he didn't have the capacity to maintain the life of a fisherman for long.  It might be that he can't sit still (except for but a second for me to snap these cute photos of him) or it might be that he is always hatching another plan, or it might be that he is three and is part monkey or part squirrel or both. 
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 Caleb, on the other hand, could have stayed here until next Friday. Though at firstI had to convince him that he needed to leave his paperclip hook in until he felt something tugging, it didn't take long for him to catch on. This boy of mine was convinced that he would actually catch a fish with his make-shift equipment. And boy did he try.  And he looked so cute doing it! 
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 We finally had to call it quits when Gabers reached in and grabbed the last piece of bread. No more bait meant no more fish. 
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 I requsted they all it together for one last shot.  They obliged! 
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No one caught any fish on Friday, but I caught a whole bunch of memories on my camera so that they might not ever forget the Friday when mom let them skip naps! 

July 17, 2012

My Summer Delight

Summer has been an especially delightful time with my sweet Caleb! 

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Shortly after Caleb turned one he started getting cyclical fevers.  The fever would come each month on the 27th, spike to as high as 105.6, last 5 days (3 days of high fever, a break for one day, and then one more day of a lower fever), and would be accompanied by mouth blisters on the inside of his mouth.  My poor baby, though unaware of the calendar, was able to tell us the day before his fever would come that is was coming.  For nearly 4 years, there was rarely a month that he didn't have his fever.  And since his birthday is on the 27th, he had never celebrated a birthday without an accompanying fever.  Caleb has what is known as PFAPA (Periodic Fever Aphthous Stomatitis, Pharyngitis, Adenitis Syndrome).  You might imagine how this has affected his short life! 
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Nearing the end of his fours, the fevers started to become a little less predictable and further apart.  Praise the Lord, our sweet boy got celebrate his 5th birthday fever free! 
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(These were from Caleb's 5th Wild Kratts Birthday we had for him at an aquarium!)
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Instead of his fevers, however, we started to see our boy display uncharacteristic behavior for him.  He would feel as though he was getting a fever, his eyes would become dark and sunken, he would be highly irritable, extremely hyper, unattentive, destructive, obnoxiously loud, generally defiant and abnormally emotional. During these days, he would rarely smile.  Then as quick as it set in, it would leave and Caleb would be "himself."
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I didn't understand what was happening for quite some time.  I was quick to think he was just "rebelling" and even quicker to assume that something was severely affecting his body and we needed to figure it out.  It took me a while to discover that while he was experiencing such odd behavior, he also had a mouth full of blisters just like the ones he has during his cyclical fever.  This was so helpful for me.  Instead of  the constant battle inside me of fearing the state of his little heart or fearing what others thought of his behavior or my parenting, I grew in compassion for this boy of mine.  I finally started to see that a lot of what was going on with him, he couldn't help.  And we worked together to cope with what he could. 

What does this all have to do with this summer, you might be wondering, afterall that is what I started with at the beginning of this post?  Good question.  Last summer, Caleb was affected the. entire. summer. by these crazy blisters and disturbing behavior.  Last summer I was also battling a deep depression that wouldn't seem to lift.  These two things were an especially challenging (overwhelming) combo! 
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This summer I am delighting in the ability to delight.  I used to take joy for granted; but this summer I am consistently overwhelmed that God is helping me to experience joy again.  I used to pompously think, "Just hope in the Lord."  Now I know that it isn't as easy as that sounds.  This summer I am overwhelmed by the truth that though I felt nothing last summer (except sadness and despair and sometimes not even those), that as a child of God, redeemed by grace, my lot was always secure in Jesus.  

This summer I am delighting in domino races....
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....and battleship challenges...

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...and waterslides at the pool, and sprinklers and buckets of water on these very hot days...
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This summer I am delighting in this sweet boy and the blissful blisterless last six weeks. 

July 10, 2012

These Faces

These are the faces that I love: 

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 these sparkly-blue-eyed-smiley faces,

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 these I'm-so-cool-now-without-training-wheels faces,

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these I'm-gonna-get-you faces

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 these do-you-have-to-take-another-one faces,

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 these check-out-THIS-strawberry faces,

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 these handsome-as-a-devil faces,

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 these deteremined-to-get-this-done-on-my-own faces,

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these filled-with-awe-at-the-post-game-fireworks faces,

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 these silly-willy faces,

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 these swinging-is-so-fun faces,

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 these you-finally-wore-me out faces,

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 these cheesy-peesy-I-love-balloons faces,

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 these what-is-on-my-head faces,

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and even these pouty-pants faces.

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I just love these faces of all my guys!