A beginning and an end
March 3, 2009
It has been so incredibly long since my last post. So much hard work and healing has happened. The great news is that my huband and I were just matched for the adoption… of twins! A boy and a girl. We are cautiously excited. We have redefined what a family means, for us.
For anyone who still checks this spotty blog, I want to wish you of the best on your journey. I want to thank you for all of the support and love you have given me during the most difficult time of my life.
It is time for me to move on, but I will never forget this experience, and I will never forget you.
With love,
Dot
Still grieving
September 3, 2008
We’re back at home, after a 3 week vacation that just wasn’t. I had the miscarriage on Sunday, flew back home on Monday. The bleeding and cramping finally stopped today (so far).
For the flight home, I bought the latest issue of Real Simple magazine. It had an article about grieving and loss with a quote that I liked (from Alan Wolfelt who is the director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition- talk about a depressing job-) “coping with loss is not about closure. Grief is a transformative life exprience, not a rush to resolution.”
I’m certainly not rushing anywhere anytime soon. This is so much worse than any of my BFN’s- physically and mentally. And I just don’t know how to process it, yet. I think I need more time.
A friend just emailed me and wrote that when she went through her own difficult time, someone reminded her that “we aren’t given more than we can handle in this world”. Is this true? Or is it just that there is no other option?
Nothing
August 25, 2008
No growth, no heartbeat.
It’s over.
Numbness….
It’s going to take me a while to crawl back from this.
Saying it for me
August 23, 2008
First of all, thank you for all of your dear comments and emails. I have read and savored each one, and they mean more than you know.
My dear friend EEM emailed me shortly after I posted last. I have mentioned before how she tends to know exactly what to say. Her email, once again, was so perfect and so true, she gave me permission to publish it here. She had her own battle with infertility and miscarried years ago after her 2nd IVF. She now has 2 wonderful children. Here is what she wrote:
“A guy is coming over any minute to service the solar on our pool and I am
desperately trying not to cry so he doesn’t freak when I answer the door.
I am speechless, angry, frustrated, sad…and I am just the one sitting over
here on the other side of the country reading about your experience.
I will pray hard that the little life inside of you can fight past this and
become all the stronger for it from here on out – kind of like his parents –
but if it is not his time yet I will pray the reason for that becomes clear
quickly. And that life you saw is important. It is a glimmer that all of
this does work, that you CAN get pregnant, that miracles do happen. That IS
something, although its significance will likely be determined later. But as
horrible of an experience it was for me…and you have me beat already on
this one… It was a turning point that kind of made the rest of the path
clearer. I hope that is another silver lining you can take from this no
matter the outcome. I am excited, with or without this situation, that in
your blog you said you were meant to do the adoption thing. Those are the
feelings we have to hang on too – the gut ones that tell us how to navigate
all of this.”
Here’s to dear friends who help us navigate, to gut feelings, and to silver linings.
Threatened
August 20, 2008
We’ve been on vacation for the past couple of weeks, on the East Coast with R_’s family. I was supposed to have an ultrasound tomorrow, but yesterday I started bleeding fairly heavily (passing big clots) and we spent the day in the ER instead. I’m on lovenox (a blood thinner, similar to heparin) for some immune stuff, so that probably wasn’t helping things.
Ultrasound showed a sac and fetal pole, but the heart rate was only 95. That is low- normal is closer to 110-120. It measured 6w1d (I was 6w4d yesterday).
Now I’m on bedrest, still bleeding, and will be having a repeat ultrasound in a week. Diagnoisis: “Threatened miscarriage”. Things aren’t looking good.
I’m sitting here with my laptop, trying to think of something else to write. My mind is a blank at this point. I’m glad I’m on vacation, and that I wasn’t at work when this happened. I’m glad that R_ can be here with me, and that we have our own little house I can stay in. I’m glad the Olympics are on. I’m glad we didn’t stop the adoption process when I got the positive beta. I’m not glad to be continuing the shots, to be on bedrest, to be still passing clots, and to be having a “threatened miscarriage”. I’m glad, though, that we got to see a little tiny bird of a creature on the ultrasound yesterday, with a little fluttering, albeit slow, heart.
No matter what, there was life there. I saw it.
Lucky #8
August 4, 2008
After many ups and downs last week, I think I can finally write and say, with some joy and trepidation, that our beta results, for the very first time , came back positive last week.
I am pregnant, after 3 1/2 years, 6 fresh IVF cycles, and 2 frozen transfers.
Miracles do happen.
My first beta was 9 (7 days after tranfer of 2 6-day blasts). Second, 48 hours later, was 14. Since it was expected to double, we were convinced it was a chemical and that our journey was over. Went back 48 hours later, and it had not only doubled, but increased to 45. So they are calling me pregnant and I have an ultrasound in a few weeks.
I haven’t posted because I wanted to be sure, and I didn’t want some of my dear RLFF’s (Real Life Friends and Family) who check this to find out via a post (and I have to ask the ones who do read this, to keep mum for a while until we know for sure). I also know so well the mixed feelings that come with reading about other’s positive betas. But I hope , that since this is our 8th time, that my story gives some of my blogging friends a glimmer of hope that it will someday work for them, as well.
I asked on the SIRM message boards what the chances are of a healthy pregnancy after a positive beta. The reply came back “50-50”. Not the greatest odds, and it kind of took the wind out of my sails a bit. But that is OK. We know, for the first time, that the system works. And right now, we have some good news to enjoy.
And we are still pursuing adoption. I feel like that is what we are meant to do. We actually had our home visit last week, in the middle of the beta drama, and I will have my personal interview on Wednesday. If we are indeed pregnant, we will put it off for a while, or focus on international adoption which might take longer. If we aren’t , we will have our plan in place.
WOW.
So much for that.
July 24, 2008
Talk about a Jinx! After my last post, I started to feel a bit of pain… turns out I have a UTI (bladder infection ) from the procedure on Monday. Complicated by the fact that I am already on an antibiotic that is used to treat these things (Cipro) and I’m allergic to sulfa, it made for a long day yesterday. Oh, and I’m leaving for Canada today for a family reunion, so antibiotics could not be called in up there very easily.
I hate to play my own doctor, but it took my OB-Gyn 8 hours to call me back (she felt horrible) and my RE’s RN 12 hours! Don’t they know how painful these things are?
So I treated myself and feel a bit better today. Now I’m on 2 antibiotics, 2cc of IM progesterone – yes, 2cc- and the 0.5cc of IM estrogen, the dexamethasone, lovenox (blood thinner) and suppositories…. jeesh I’m a walking pharmacy. I just need to make it through this weekend and the beta next week.
Onward.
I made it!
July 22, 2008
Back from the Vegas FET, my easiest trip yet. For the following reasons:
1) My mom was there
2) We got upgraded to a great suite at the Wynn (as a Vegas expert, I can say that the Wynn is my favorite hotel there now)
3) Great dinner at the bar at Bartolotta with mom (where she told me that she has realized that adoption is probably what is meant to be – not just for R_ and me, but for our family)
4) Bought a great pair of patent leather wedge heels while trying to remain distracted for the thaw report-
5) Both blasts survived the thaw! Transfer was uneventful and the Valium was delightful.
6) Cab driver was nice
7) Got an early flight home.
And a bonus: at the airport, I got an email that we have been assigned a social worker for our adoption homestudy.
Nice.
Whew
July 11, 2008
I can’t believe it has been so long since my last post. I have been completely focused on other things lately, and put infertility into a tiny corner of my mind. R_’s work has been incredibly stressful recently, and I have been focused on him and just getting both of us through this challenging time.
So I thought I would just post tonight and just say “hello”. I have 100 posts to catch up on with my Google Reader, so it will take some time!
I’m doing the prep for our FET in Vegas this month (transfer is July 21), and still working on the adoption homestudy materials… and trying to just keep above water with everything else.
Maybe this post will “break the seal” and I’ll get up and running again soon… if not, know that I am thinking of all of you and will catch up on this past month ASAP, and I’ll post more as soon as I have something to say or process…
Plans
June 14, 2008
It’s a foggy dreary Saturday here, and I’m realizing that my plans to get in shape are hard to adhere to, when the weather is bad. And when I’ve decided to do a FET in July, I just think, “what is the point”?
Yes, that is correct. We’ve decided to get it over with (great attitude, I know). So I’m back on the pill and will do the transfer the 3rd week in July. When we had our last negative I hit rock bottom, and thought that I would never want to inject another thing in to my body for a long long time. But after some time, my mind has changed. Now I want to finish this, so we can move forward with our lives. And I feel strong enough to do it.
In the meantime, I’m still working on adoption stuff- trying to get our homestudy application in, gathering family pictures for our profile… actually, starting to take some pictures since most of ours seem to involve glasses of wine!
More plans… I’m going to Guatemala next week for a short vacation. A dear friend of mine’s mom lives there, and they invited me to come down for a visit. I’m so excited to get away, see something new, and spend time with these wonderful people and their family. It will be a nice distraction.
Mentally, I’ve noticed a subtle shift in my thinking. When I talk to people who are pregnant, when I hear pregnancy announcements, or when I hear that friends are thinking about having kids or even starting down the infertility road, I still feel that stabbing pain in my heart. But for the first time, I don’t really think or even hope that someday, I am going to get pregnant too. I don’t even feel anything in common with fellow infertiles who are new to the process. Deep down, I know for the first time that we are one of the few couples for whom medical therapy doesn’t “work”, that I am different and that our family is going to be different. I feel more distance from the pregnancies than ever before, if that makes any sense.
During my therapy session last week, Yoda (that is what we call him) showed me a gesture that I think Sufi mystics do (I could have that part wrong). Basically, it is a sign of prayer with your hands at your heart, then move them upwards closer to your head. As they move up, you open them so that your palms are facing upwards. (This is hard to describe! You basically trace a “Y” motion with your hands.) It means “here you go, God. I’ve done everything I can, and now it’s your problem.” I’ve done it many time this week, and there is some comfort to be found there.
Off to pack for Guatemala! I’ll post again after I get back.
Beauty and Courage 
