Sad Day

We just got the sad news that our wonderful Provo Tabernacle has burned down. We were just there one week ago listening to my girls amazing choir concert. It is heartbreaking! There is information all over the web about this so I wont say anything here about the facts of this event.

We have enjoyed coming here (and looked forward to going again)for years to hear the voices of angels ring from the rafters. What a marvelous place to feel the spirit and witness beauty in some of its finest. It will surely be missed.

Last Week:




Hard to get a good photo, everyone is tired and we were all taking photos and saying "okay look here, now look here, hey over here..."

This morning:

It's a Miracle

No, not that I am posting. Though that may be true as well, it is actually something to do with my washing machine.

For at least two years this thing has been giving me fits. Starting with once every few months and gradually getting worse until it was happening every few minutes it would just suddenly freak out ( mind you, its nearly ten years old) ( bless its heart).

It would error out ( error code F 11 if you are interested) and start beeping and I would have to unplug the thing ( bless its ever lovin' heart) for no less than 15 minutes ( and yes, I would time it) and then plug it back in and let it go until it would error out again ( bless its heart, again)in a few minutes time. Took me all day to do one load. Very irritating.

But, glory be, it is now fixed ( thanks to hubby, bless HIS heart). I didn't even know that guy could fix washing machines. Never ceases to amaze me I tell you.

Me (and MY ever lovin' heart) are very grateful.

Change

Wow, how time flies! It has been a million years since the last post and I really meant to get back to it the very next day. I did want to tell everyone about my identity crisis. It seems less funny now, so I may end up skipping it all together, but I wanted to at least check-in.

We have had changes galore here in our home. The girls are all in school and LOVING it. I never thought I would see the day. Whitney is doing well and I am just as tickled as I am surprised about that.

I guess there aren't a million separate changes, but just that one small change (that is actually huge) has affected my entire being. That has made it feel like changes galore.

Everything about my life is different. Some I love some I don't.

I have all this time alone, which I love.
I miss the girls (sometimes only a little though), and that I don't love.

We have gotten on a pretty good schedule, I love that.
We are rushed all the time, I don’t love that.

I am busier than I thought possible, I love that (mostly).
I spend an inordinate amount of time in my car. Not lovin' that too much.

Been walking with friends most every morning, lovin' that.
Haven't been great at my normal exercise routine. Not too thrilled with this.

Overall it has been great. I have only gotten a handful of the projects from my “Beckie-do” list done But that is okay, the projects I have done have made me feel like a million bucks.

I have to run, kiddos are home from school today. I am not sure how in the world I entertained everyone all day, every day, before.

Advice

My father-in-law reminded me I needed to update. I try to be obedient, so here it is. We are still alive, here is one photo to prove it. We have been super busy and loving it!






-Rich had a couple business trips last month and I went on one as a stow-away. It was a blast! We went to Vegas, I know, gross, but it turned out awesome. As long as you keep your eyes trained upward, so as not to see all the discarded naked lady cards that they are trying to hand out to everyone and their child, it is very fun with lots to do and see.

We went to see BLUE MAN GROUP and I have to say I am now their biggest fan. I laid by the pool, and went to the gym while he attended his conference and then we would hang out and eat stuff, watch people, and shop, and catch up. It has been ten years ( I do not exagerate here folks) since we have been alone on a trip. Anyway, it was just what we needed and now I keep wanting to go back. Las Vegas...who knew?

-Girls camp last week, amazingly wonderful. Tons to say and tons of photos, I will post soon.

-Bodybugg, is the new love of my physical fitness life...no photos, but lots to say, stay tuned. Which reminds me...

-I have a new favorite workout DVD person (since I still have not found the need for a gym), her name is Cathe Friedrich. She is tough and I am in love.

-First ever semi-annual (with potential for lots more) block party, turned out super great, even though it was on the day I came back from camp and was wiped out. Thanks for coming everyone, and we will see you on August 4 for the real deal...

-Sisters luncheon, had a blast and have photos, too. I will post them soon. ( I am too lazy to go get my camera I think is the real deal here) ( I never EVER say "real deal" and I did it twice in two sentences...awesome!)

-Finally getting our back yard done. No photos yet, but when it is done I will post. It will be awesome to have it done and not be looking at dirt!

-Haven't camped yet, but going to soon. Last year we swore we were going to camp way earlier than the middle of July, here we are and still have not camped. I guess we are not technically in the middle yet, but we are booking up fast and will be in the middle soon, and no camping planned. It WILL happen though. Else I may cry, and no one wants that. Least of all me.

-Having a mid-life crisis/identity crisis. This has been interesting and sort of funny. I do want to post an entire thing about just this, in hopes that someone can relate and set my mind at ease. It should make for good times and hopefully a few laughs. I'll get on this one soon (like tomorrow).

-I got a new computer, it is wonderful and the part I love best is that the keyboard make a delightful clickity click noise as I type.

-Rich has started a new hobby of playing the drums, no photos yet, but I will get some. It is awesome ( remember the part about being the blue man groups biggest fan...) all I have to do is paint Richie blue and I could have a show every day.

He wanted to play the guitar ( I thought he did pretty well) but he felt like it was not going so well. He desperately wants to be musical and so thought he would give the drums a try but felt sad that we could not sing a long with them( I wonder if he was really sad, I am not a singer? Just wondering...). I promised him I would find a way, and to go for it.

He is working on a certain rythm now and I can easily sing two ( I am sure more) songs to it 1. BillieJean and 2. Where Have All the Cowboys Gone...see no problem! And just so you know, I really do sing ( and I really am not a singer). I dont know the words to either song very well, but I assure you that does not cause any trouble at all, I just make them up. Keeps eveyone on their toes ( and entertained, too. How great is that?)!

-I have a new favorite pass time. Its name is RODEO!!! No, I do not participate, and have yet to be invited to be the rodeo princess, but I love to watch. I hate the part when they rope those cute little cows ( which strangely remind me of our puppy) but the rest is good times.

Remember the part about an identity crisis? I want a cowboy hat. I know, I told you that post would be funny...that is just a glimpse at what I will disclose (if I don't chicken out).

Want another one? Glitter Nail polish. There, chew on that for now and I will be back tomorrow.

-Oh, and P.S., I loved Eclipse. Saw it twice in one day and planning on more. Favorite of the three, and Bravo Edward for his "old Fashioned" ways. I loved that it actually made the movie. The world needed the reminder!

To: You

Happy Mother's Day! This reminds all of us what's really important and where to turn for peace...
(Don't forget to turn up your speakers and pause my music at the bottom)

UPDATE

Ahhh, yes, I am an amazing blogger. Once every three or four months hardly counts. There is a lot of nothing new going on here, which fortunately for me, provides the perfect reason. But really, especially if you ask Rich, it is nothing more than an excuse.

The other day he asked me why I hadn't written for so long and when I said it was because nothing interesting's happening ,he said, it never is but you make what is happening sound interesting anyway, thats why its so good.

Um, thanks?

I gave a lesson the other day on journals, which was almost hysterical considering I am the worst journal keeper in the ward. I was feeling really lame and sort of being hard on myself and then I realized that I have kept track of a lot of my most important thoughts and adventures right here, right on this blog, in full view of anyone who wanted to read.

And I thought I was shy.

So what have we been up to?

Well, lots of school, lots of trying really hard to get out of this plateau that has me completely stymied and ready to pull my ever lovin' hair out, lots of wondering what season it REALLY is, lots of babysitting my neice (a.k.a. the cutest baby in the universe) that helped fill a vacancy(okay, gaping hole is more like it) in my heart, lots of rejoicing that Rich is happy in his new job, lots of riding around in the new commuter car we had to buy to get Rich to the new job, lots of stuff for my new calling in Young Women's, lots of hearing about Tori's plan to purchase her very own iPOD touch (which she did), lots of thinking about sending my girls to school next year (which we are...I think...), lots of cooking, and um, lots of laundry. That about sums it up.

So see, there is not much I could have written about. Okay there was. I will do better, I have to, I promised and I have never been one to break a promise.

Babe.

This time of year is a time of celebration for us. Birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays to celebrate love, dot the calendar like chocolate chips in cookies.

I love it.

My last post has caused somewhat of a commotion (thank you, everyone), and I plan to respond to all the questions and comments tomorrow, but first, I had to mention a couple of days that went by that mean more to me than anything.

Our anniversary and Rich's birthday.

I am not sure why I get so lucky sometimes,but I am so grateful that the Lord chose me to share my life with this man. He is my very best friend, the very first person I want to see in the morning and the very last person I want to hear before I go to sleep at night. He makes me want to be better, to do better, and remember why I am trying so hard in the first place. He makes me laugh (really hard sometimes) and lovingly reminds me we’ll get through it together when there is reason to cry. I love him more than I had any inkling was possible , and yet, it is still not as much as I will love him tomorrow.

Happy Birthday, Babe. Thanks for spending the last fifteen years doing what you do best...loving me.

Off the Fence.

Earlier I came upstairs with a huge glass of water, bedecked in my exercise clothes, ready to do the deed. Suddenly, and somewhat unexpectedly, I decided I didn’t want to exercise right then. I tried to make myself. I even started the DVD, but eventually, I managed to talk myself out of it.

I am tired today. Not much sleep last night.

I had goose bumps on my arms because I was freezing cold, so I decided to treat myself to a bubble bath.

In the middle of the afternoon?

What?

Instead of my daily workout?

What?!?

It’s okay.

I will exercise before the day is done. It is part of me, it is who I am, it is what I do. Finally, after fourteen years, it’s what I do.

Whilst filling the tub and relishing my goose bump free arms, I glanced sideways and noticed the candy bar I had brought with me.

Yes.

A candy bar.

To the tub.

This is NOT what I do, at least not lately that is. While looking at it I started thinking. There is so much about me that has changed, so much that I have not wanted to talk about.

I have been on the fence.

I am not sure why, really, but today I got an idea.

This morning, before all this happened, I happened to see an old, maybe a year or so, photo of myself. I was shocked. Then suddenly I felt betrayed. Betrayed by my response, truthfully. It has been awhile since I saw pictures that far back, and my have things changed. I had no idea how much.

I have so much to say about it all. It has been a journey that I guess would be unfair to keep to myself. You see, the secret, this thing I have been afraid to admit, is that I have lost 138 pounds.

*deep breath*

There, I said it.

I am off the fence.

I should be celebrating.

I know. I am going to start, tomorrow.

When people tell me I look good, and then, not knowing what is so different, ask if I have changed my hair ( I wish there was a haircut out there that would do what this has done for me), I don’t dare say “no, I have lost weight.” You see, then they would ask how much, and I will have to say the words one-hundred-thirty-eight-pounds out loud.

I have not wanted to say it to just anybody because there is a certain amount of shame about it. What kind of person NEEDS to lose 138 pounds?

Me.

I did.

*deep breath, again*

Here is the interesting part, I was a good person, in fact I was the same person I am today, there was just a little more of me. I was happy, loved, and perfectly content, actually. I was fine before. I was not embarrassed or ashamed.

I didn’t start this whole thing because I was not happy with myself. I just wanted to do better, to be a better example of health, and even the desire for health, to my girls. I wanted to feel like I did when I was 23, before my life (and my body) became temporary property (and even temporary living quarters) of four of the best little people around.

I wanted to find myself a little.

So here I am, almost a year later, and I feel like I have uncovered something once thought lost. Something familiar, yet new in so many ways.

I am better than I was at 23 in all the important ways. I have learned a lot. I am perfectly okay with myself, which is a wonderful gift from a loving father in Heaven, and also , that of time.

So, now when people ask me if I have been losing weight I will proudly say, yes, and I won’t automatically feel guilty for needing to in the first place.

And when people ask me for all my tips, because they do ask for tips, the first thing I will tell them is how I have learned to never eat an entire candy bar, especially, in the bathtub, even when celebrating.

A tiny Update

I have spent the better part of the time since Christmas wondering how I could write about our holiday. The day after Christmas I had all these thoughts running through my mind (while cleaning up, of course) but I didn't want to stop what I was doing right then and loose my groove. Instead I lost all my thoughts.

We had a amazingly wonderful Christmas this year. I knew it would be. Rich's folks are home (from their mission) and it was the first Christmas with grandparents around in about 10 years. That made it super fun.

Our elf is gone now, we miss her. She did some really great things those last few days. She TP'd the entire down stairs, and coincidently, it happened to be the very same night the girls slept by the Christmas tree, so they got TP'd as well. Christmas eve night Hollyberry hung 40 pair of (thankfully) new undies all over our tree. It was glorious to wake to a tree covered in undies. I dont think we will ever get over that one.

Anyway, I have to run. I hope everyone else had a wonderful Christmas. I am sure I will have more to say, or at least a better use of my vocabulary, in a couple more days...