breaking free

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Breakfast with a friend at a new spot for both of us.  Trying the highly recommended apple fritters + strawberry yogurt.  Taking a wrong turn on Beach Street (but really can there be wrong turns on streets named “Beach”)??  Stumbling onto a new park called Ames.  Soaking up the sunshine down on the river, feeling thankful that we’ve dodged another hurricane.  Catching up on the last season of House.  Get lost on purpose & finding new roads to home.  Starbucks + a movie with the Huz.  Getting a Venti for the price of a Tall.  Columbiana- we loved it.  Talking about being teachers & travelling the world together on the ride home.  Finding an old CD in the glove compartment- singing along to songs we know every word too.  Getting cut two-hours early from work. 

I could really get use to this more time at home thing.  I’m getting good at it:)

Never knew dogs would bring so much joy into our home.  Now this little girl is showing signs of aging & it’s so sad.  The vet has her on incontinency pills so we’ll see how that goes.

(Image via Charlene Precious).

Have been making a point this week to take baths by candle-light & listen to the rain.  Loving it.

Dear Universe,

I feel like I need to talk mysef thru life right at this very moment.  Life is not bad, it’s just different. 

I saw these changes coming.  I made certain decisions to ensure that changes would come.  Now these changes have arrived, and i’m not sure what to do.  Not in an overly dramatic way.  Just in an, “This is new for me. Please help me adjust gracefully.” 

I quit my job, as in I gave a proper & typed letter of my decision to give a two-weeks notice which I totally copied from someone on the internet.  (Thank you, Google).  I even handed in this letter.  No words were exchanged which was expected.  I worked happily for the next 48-hours. 

They were as blissful as they could be under the conditions.  I felt more mindful of how lucky I was to be interacting with these people who had let me into their lives, and taught me some really valuabe lessons about what it can feel like to be elderly, and in some stage of dementia.  I gave a lot of hugs, and made a point to look into a lot of eyes.  I visited Louie* so he could sing to me even tho it made me deliver medicine later into the night.  His song of choice?  “Have I told you lately that I love you.” 🙂 Chuck* told me his favorite cake was german chocolate and I promised I would bring him some on my last day.  He smiled & told me, “thank yah darlin’ ” & then he talked about digging up Ronald Reagan. I sat outside with Matilda* as she smoked her Marlboro Red 100’s just like she did after every meal, and she talked to me about her bucket list, and some of the things that she’d never get to do because of her stroke.  That day she was daydreaming of Ireland.  She never wallowed in self-pity, she accepted her lot in life & I always admired that.  I met Jack’s* longtime friend of 13-years, his dog, Sean* for the first time.  And I had a good laugh when he came into the office out of breath & frantic ( without his electric scooter, and Sean* without his leash) because somehow Sean’s* leash got tangled in the bushes & Jack ran his scooter off the patio into the dirt.  (Only because he wasn’t injured did I laugh!)  Never far from my mind was the # of days I knew I had left to be apart of their “everyday” like I had for the past 7-months. 

Monday morning rolls around & I get a phone call from my boss, she says, “I decided to accept your notice- don’t come back to work.”   I wasn’t surprised, but it was unexpected if that makes sense.  And yes, there is a distinction between the two. 

I left because I was tired of these games that are being played with real people’s lives.  You win Former Boss Lady, you win.  You didn’t give me an opportunity to say goodbye to these people who have become like family.  Not properly anyway.  It breaks my heart to think that some will not understand that I didn’t just decide to not show up to work anymore. 

Now I find myself thrown into a reality that I didn’t expect quite so soon.  It’s not so bad when I write it out.  Here I go…  I only have one-part time job….AHHHHhhh!  Yes,  I could be writing…  I have scabies. Or a rat problem.  But this is so new for me you guys!  I can’t remember the last time I didn’t work full-time+ hours whether it was with one job or three.  I’m not in a full-fledged panic (yet), but I can see myself getting there if I lose all self-control.  I’ve surrendered to the idea that I could use a break.  I’ve surrendered to the idea that it would be good for me to be more present around the house, around my husband.  It would be good for me to learn to get “unbusy.”  The devil is good at what he does, and he excels in keeping me busy.   I have good intentions to put a stop to that.   But the idea of giving up such control over the amount of money I contribute to this family is about to do me in.  That sounds so bad… that makes me sound like a money freak.  I hate money, really I do.  I don’t want money to define me or my life.  But there is also a realist inside of me reminding me of bills due, and responsibilities in the form of a new house + two dog children.  And my bad habit of letting restaurants cook for us.   And then it turns into this vicious cycle of Zane ultimately calming me down again.   

So that’s where i’m at today.  Kind of everywhere as you can see.  Mostly just afraid of the unknown.  Isn’t that what i’m always afraid of ??? 

Someday i’ll learn. 

Til then, xoxo.

*UPDATE* Maybe it’s a little late in the game for this, but names with an asterisk were changed to protect their privacy.  I really have no idea who reads this, what is proper, and I mean no trouble. Thanks!

What a stunning picture of a woman in Nepal in labor.  Accompanying story here. 

Nothing like a little perspective to make me feel grateful that I get to live the life that I do.  Feeling like I should be more aware of how lucky I am. 

Does anyone else daydream about what it would be like if God had chosen a different life for you??  Like what if I had been born as a rice field farmer’s daughter in communist China?  Or what if I had been born as Kate Middleton, and now I was a Duchess?

Anyway either way I’m glad i’m just Anna, U.S citizen, wife of a salesman who won’t leave me if I don’t give him any sons.  (Yay!)

“…I believe the only way to truly experience something is by immersing oneself in the creation — and the only way to immerse yourself is to believe it surrounds you…”

— inspiring words found here.

What are you immersing yourself in these days?  What is surrounding you, inspiring you?

 Me? I am neck-deep in all things love & renewal. 

For example: How can I celebrate love?  How can I be a better giver of love?  Being mindful that first & foremost love is a choice I need to make every single morning from the moment I open my eyes.

These are the things swirling around in my head these days. 

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