breaking free

Thanks to the help of a friend, my focus this morning is on ‘letting go’ & focusing only on what I have control over…

…which is hanging & folding (1 of 2 ways – box-fold or half-fold) clothes at Banana Republic.  Tee hee.  (Hey, that’s 3 things right there!)

Feelin’ pretty good right now.

May your Wednesday be carefree and bright.  And easy.

xoxo

I let someone pop my zen like a balloon a couple days ago.  It left me in tears in a parking garage.  I’ve never been mad at this person before in my whole entire life.  I never even saw the day coming where he could disappoint me in the way that he did.  I’m still not sure if I am more uncomfortable with this foreign feeling of being upset with someone I love so so so much, or being upset with myself for letting it throw me off as much as it did.

I want to strive to be less shakeable.  You know?

I am feeling a little better about the incident now.  But it’s still on shaky ground.  It still has potential to blow up & stir up more yucky feelings.  Without giving away too much information- it’s regarding a time-sensitive issue if you can understand what I mean.   (You’ll know soon enough.  And no i’m not pregnant!) 😉

It struck up a conversation with my co-worker/friend about being the type of people who have imaginery arguments in our heads because we dream up what somebody might say to us, and the less then charming responses we’d wish to have.  The riduculousness of myself made me laugh pretty hard, and so I felt better.

I’m still trying to find my zen again.  It’s startling to get pushed off your little ‘happy perch.’  (And just when I thought it was safe to blog about it & not jinx myself) 😉  But it was also, perhaps a much needed reality check for me too.  Life is always going to change, no matter what.  So here is to getting stronger with each lesson that life hands to us!

We enjoyed a big meeting with lots of out-of-towners, a fancy dinner for 3, and beautiful Florida sunshine this year.

It’s almost one a.m. and I just finished writing in all our holiday cards… my fingers are cramped, my neck hurts, my tongue is super dry from licking envelopes & i wouldn’t be surprised if somebodys card got swapped with someone else’s because i was too tired to notice that it didn’t go in the correctly addressed envelope… but basssiiically, i’m just really happy because it means i have a bunch of people in my life that i love & am thankful to have in my life.

p.s. we ordered our cards (our first holiday card EVER, by the way) from here.  if you have personalized greeting needs i would highly recommend this site.  + i happened to get 60% off.  oh, i love deals!!!

& now it’s sleepy-time…:)

It’s the simple things right?  I love our new doormat.

**update** i got this at Kirkland’s for $9-something (score!)  & i thought it was just a “mom” store- silly me:)

Watching football at Mama Cindy’s:)

(click to enlarge)

a friend connected these two photos.

she told me they spoke to her.

her eye sees things that most eyes do not.

i am so thankful for what these photos mean to me side-by-side.

i won’t add a whole lot after my last post.  i think it sums it up more or less.

how far i’ve come, how i’ve grown, how i found love in a hopeless place,  how i’ve been hurt, but i am unbroken.

I am on this streak of happiness.

I can already tell it’s going to be one of those elusive blog topics that is hard to define.  But let me try.

I have lived with a whole lot of self doubt for a looooot of years now.

That self doubt is not gone, but it does not rule over me as it once did.

In it’s place are these feelings of contentment, freedom, confidence, calmness, faith, trust & love – the kind that makes your heart feel like it might explode.

I keep waiting for these feelings to subside.  It’s been about 3-months tho, and on they thrive.  (!!!)

Three months ago I got this opportunity to make a new beginning, let the things of the past stay in the past, open my arms to weak friendships & give them a chance for a new life.  I can’t believe how cliche it sounds, but sometimes a clean slate can just be wonderful.  I would say tho, that in order to receive a clean slate whole heartedly, a LOT of hard work has to be put in so that the foundation of the clean slate can hold.   In this case- it was about two-years of really focused work on certain issues.

(Does this even make sense)?  Sorry to ‘talk in code’ it’s just that some of these lessons, and hard work, and problems that needed to die are my own. And they need to remain that way.

I still have mountains to climb, but to feel like i’ve reached the summit on this bad boy??  Suuuuch a rush… one that hasn’t left for months now.

I don’t let people say just anything to me.  People are more aware of my personal boundaries.  And it’s ok if they don’t like them.  (oh em gee-why did this take so long- it feels so freaking good!!!!!)

I’m learning to keep my mouth shut & as Julian reminds me -to treat mean people as ‘polite strangers.’  I don’t owe anyone an explanation about why I do what I do, or did what I did.  Part of loving myself means to protect myself, and remember that haters gon’ hate.  Why did I always think think that I needed to provide them with all this ammo against me!?  I got trapped into this thinking that I would just be this open book so that if they were going to judge me that I wouldn’t have to be disappointed later when they decided I had too many issues to deal with.  Now I have the tools to censor myself, and stop giving haters all this unnecessary power over me.

And the people I admire don’t have this unhealthy hold over me either.  I don’t have to BE them to be ok.  I am feeling more freedom to be me… even when I know someone I look up to wouldn’t do what i’m doing.

I am soo comfortable with where I am in my relationship with my husband.   They say the first year is the hardest.  How about the first 5-years?:)  I mean they were FULL of wonderful amazing things… but dang, they were really hard too.  There is a newfound ease & comfort as we zoom thru year #5 and I liiiike it.

I feel so thankful to God for His patience with me.  I have taken such a twisty windy road to get to where I am… and i’m still a little left of center.  I haven’t got it all figured out yet but i’m working on it & I’m thankful.

My heart is bursting with love for Florida.  This is the first holiday season that I have just embraced the place we live… I feel gratitude, not empty pining for my own paradigm of what “winter should be.”  It’s been mostly high 70s and it feels awwwesome!!!  Looks like i’m finally on Team Sunshine!!!!;)

Hope y’all know this kind of happiness, or are on the road to finding it.

XOXO