breaking free

yes, again. =) 

http://mrsannarathbun.blogspot.com/

see you there!

Do you know who Stephanie Nielson is?

I’ve never met her, but in many ways I feel like I do know her.  That’s what I love about blogging.  Perfect strangers can feel a connection thru sharing pieces of their heart in writing on the internet.  Brilliant.

Anyway she just released a memoir.

My interest level has reached almost obsession.  (I willed myself to take a break so that I could do dishes & savor a few pages on my glorious blank schedule tomorrow).

It’s been awhile since I ate up a book like this.

I’m fascinated by her faith.  By her family and their level of dedication.  By the love shared between her & her husband.  By her will to simply continue on…

If you want to be inspired.  If you want to feel something… read this amazing story.

I kind of feel like crying & I have no idea why.

Norah Jones isn’t helping.

I’m not even entirely sure if these emotions are coming from a happy place or a sad one.  It kind of feels like a blending of both.

I have been experiencing this weird phenomenon of feeling sick with worry about ‘the ever elusive future’ and the next moment feeling euphoric because I am aware of how much distance I feel emotionally, from the dark places that I have been in the past. = deep sense of gratitude.

I have these moments where I am reminded of thoughts I use to waste time entertaining.  I scoff at these thoughts when they come into my head now.  Gosh, it feels so good!

I have been struggling at work lately.  If it’s not wretched customer behavior, it’s a co-worker doing something that makes my chest tighten, and fills me with anger and ugliness inside.   I know I am better than where I am at.  Part of me is working on being in a better place, but part of me is afraid to do more than I’m doing.  Certain places I have taken leaps of faith that have been almost easy… other parts of my life, I am paralyzed.  I can’t seem to get out of neutral.  I can’t get outside my comfort zone.

As always I struggle with where I am spiritually.  I have these deep, beautiful conversations with my friends, (some whom have no idea what ‘meetings’ are), about spiritual things…& it’s not even hard for me to talk about it.  It reminds me that I am so much more open than I think I am.

One of my co-workers made a comment about some sandals we got being ‘the last pair of shoes Jesus wore.’  It made me cringe and I surprised myself by voicing my annoyance out loud.

Did any of you see that “Jerusalem” clip supposedly filmed by IMAX that made the email circuit?  Seeing things like that awaken a real interest in knowing more about these places we read of in the bible.

In these small ways I feel like I’m not as lost as I think I am most days.

It’s easy for me to get off-track tho.  I don’t often make it to meetings due to my ever-changing work schedule.  And then one recent Sunday when I did make it, and I explained that I would be out of town to see my cousin whom I hadn’t seen in six-years, so I wouldn’t be able to make it to bible study that week, and in front of everybody this lady who I struggle with goes: “again!?”  I know its just Satan on his A-game, but it sucks.

It sucks that people like that exist.  It sucks that we have no fellowship with anyone under the age of 50-something.  It sucks that our closest meeting is 40+ minutes away.  It sucks knowing that we could be so much more useful, but weakness takes over.

I know I just need to change my perspective.  I need to spend more time begging for mercy & grace on my knees.

I’m working on it. I’m working on a lot of things.  And in some ways i’ve come a long ways… perhaps one of the most important ways?  I’m actually thinking for myself.  I’m questioning.  I’m making things my own.  Not because someone has told me too, but because I need to for myself.

I wonder if this makes any sense at all.  =)

This is one of the very last pictures taken on our camera.  Literally.

The camera is now in it’s final resting place nestled beside my broken heart.

That camera was a piece of crap.  We had it for five-years, and it had been repaired four times…but it was mine.   It tracked my memories, and it filled an artistic void in my life.  Now i’m no photographer, but taking pictures of things that are either beautiful to me or represented a moment in time that made me smile… fulfilled something within me.  So to be detached from that side of myself feels very sad.

Even in light of our financial predicament Zane offered to use his quarterly bonus money (coming sometime this month) to buy me a new one.  That means the world to me because it means that Zane would be willing to stress himself out further with money because he knows how much my camera means to me.  However I declined his lovely offer because it wouldn’t be fair.  Or right.  *sigh*

p.s. Want to know how it met it’s death?  A man offered to take a picture of Zane & I on the track, and….  he dropped it.  Awesome. 

p.p.s Does it look like you are looking up at Zane?   You are.  The track is crazy steep… 31-degrees at it’s steepest.  Crazy to imagine driving on it at high speeds.

I’ve made some grown up decisions in my day, but I don’t feel like an adult on a regular basis that is for sure.

However I’m currently on a Don Williams kick. I make coffee most mornings & drink it black. And i’m living on a budget for the first time in my life.

That last one sounds wrong to say out loud.  That sounds like I have been rolling in the cash since my teens or something equally lame.  I got a month long trip to Europe, I always had a car & I was given a couple thousand dollars for our wedding.  All of which I am thankful for, however short of those things I have been very financially independent for many years.  I have always always been able to pay my bills and I am proud of that.

It’s become clear tho in recent days that if I don’t change my ways (our ways) that soon I will run into some serious trouble.

It’s been quite a process to get to this point mentally, maybe even emotionally?

There has been a looooot of denial, a lot of guilt & shame, and more denial.

Couch sessions with Julian have really helped me tho.  Helped us.

We’ve been dealt a hand of cards that really blows.  Lowe’s has stopped paying all of their specialists commissions company-wide.  This ends up being a loss of over $10K annually for Zane.  I feel like this is the first thing that has really made us aware of our bad economy on a personal level.  And that news coupled with two crappy ‘budgeters’ = bad news.

We took a good hard look at our expenses (looking at them with your therapist is eye opening – ay yi yi).  We had already cut out what could be cut (i.e. cable tv + netflix… the internet is going to play a necessary part of a new business venture which i will discuss later so that stays).

Have you ever calculated what you spend on gas every month?  We spend over $500 & that number is only going to rise as we go into the summer.  It really really hurts.  Obviously I am the major culprit here because my job is a 65-mile commute 4-5 days/week.

So I am going to be looking for a both a second job to help boost our monthly income + something closer to home if at all possible.  Zane is also looking for something outside of Lowe’s.  He has a good lead with an appliance company here called hhgregg so fingers crossed that comes thru for us.  He is also going to look for something part-time in addition to Lowe’s if nothing else falls into place.

Julian has helped us make a modest budget for the rest of our regular expenses like food + entertainment.  Entertainment probably seems unnecessary in light of our situation huh?  Julian says it’s important to not cut ourselves off from things that bring us happiness completely.  (Kind of like the theory you adopt on diet & having cheat days) + things like waxing eyebrows (me), haircuts (zane), etc are necessities and will come out of this fund.

Not only do we have a budget outlined, these two funds are cash-based only.  No more debit/credit cards.  This is HUGE for us.  We are not cash-using/carrying people.  We are part of the debit-card generation.  Using limited amounts of cash requires careful planning & organizing…  two things that are not strong areas for us.  This is quickly becoming a lifestyle change…

We are only one-week into this, but it feels good.  Even tho it hurts to say ‘no.’  It hurts to feel like we are disappointing people when we say ‘no.’  It hurts to turn down opportunities.  It hurts to think about gifts we won’t be buying.  But at the end of the day we are taking our future into our own hands, and not letting anyone (including ourselves) take that away from us.  It’s making me feel like I can hold my head a little higher… that is surprising.  Even tho Julian told me it would be this way… I didn’t really believe her.  She said that I would be surprised that I would probably quickly realize that my self-esteem is less based on what other people think of me & more based on making goals & holding myself to them.  How smart she is…

Feeling more like a grown up than I have maybe ever.

just the key i didn’t know i needed to unlock my weary mind.

Loving my special Mom-time!

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On a sidenote, I wish I could bottle up the colors + dimensions in those mountains.  I can’t quit oogling.

I love how much more I appreciate this place after four-years away…