On medical leave and binge watched "Twenty Five, Twenty One" over the past few days. 

It was a drama that made me feel... things. Albeit set in a different era, it just felt like growing up all over again.

It encapsulates the concepts of family, friendship, love, determination and the hardship that comes along in the rawest, purest form. A form that most of us can possibly relate, and a form that made all of us, more human than ever. 

Hee-do and Yi-Jin, as expected, did not end up together. But what was portrayed was what I think would be a bittersweet farewell - one that has come in full circle. That scene brought me to tears because I have experienced my wholesome goodbye to my past a few months back. 

"It’ll probably hurt if you lose it all. But what matters is that you’ve had it at one point."

It has been more than half a decade ago when Jasper and I called it quits on our friendship, or whatever that was in between which was left unaddressed. It was only until recent years that I realised I have not fully understood my emotions towards this entire situation. I realised how much bitterness I have held on to, notwithstanding the fact that I managed to convince myself that I've moved on. 

We bumped into each other in a wedding dinner recently - and that was the very moment I felt true liberation from the ordeal we went through when we were 21. I'm glad that my feet brought myself to him to strike up a conversation, just like how our friendship started 7 years back. I'm relieved that I did what was right for me, and I trusted myself enough to find my own peace. 

"Nothing lasts forever. Everything is momentary. They all flow away. And that’s not always a bad thing."

I'm glad that we happened, still. We had what we had - an invaluable friendship. 

"It wasn’t her sword that broke, but her confidence."

I guess this was something that I didn't choose to persevere on - replacing the sword with the piano. Being an innocent 13/14 years old, I didn't have the emotional maturity to handle consistent negativity, neither do I have the strength to push on. Then again, on hindsight - being a 27 years old and getting thrown whatever that was thrown to me back then... will break me still. I will still choose to put down that sword for my sanity sake. 

4 years into a career that I do not adore, I am not proud of myself in that aspect. But I am proud of my grit, and my guts. Sometimes, it's all about perspective. 

I had, what I had - a passion. 

"I’m going to share everything that’s yours. Everything, including your sadness, happiness, and despair. So don’t hide because things are tough. Make sure to leave my share."

I have found someone that I am all willing to give my heart to. Love is always a gamble, and I've never been willing to put all hands on deck until I met him. He showed me how it's like to be loved, respected, and treasured. And I hope to do the same for him. Now I certainly know how it's like, to love wholeheartedly. Nothing in the world's guaranteed, but I am ever so willing to take that bet. I love you, JS - more than you can ever imagine. 

I have, what I have - and I am going to protect it at all costs. 

"Life is precious. Let’s love with no regrets."

Hi, 

Leaving my annual imprint here. Was reading up on some of my old posts and realised that I've walked through (stumbled, for some) so many milestones - can't help but feel a lil emotional. 

I've started blogging here since I was 13, and the same amount of years has passed since then. Trawling through archives really was truly... retrospective (duh) but also refreshing as I am looking at past events in a different light. 

I've been atrocious, naive, delusional, unreasonable, but I also also been optimistic, amicable, reflective and... human. I've realised that I was much more expressive when I was a teen but I guess things transpired and that got subdued along the way. But that's okay - to Shar 1, 5, 10 years back - that transition was okay. Losing your ability to be in touch with your emotions is absolutely okay. What matters is that you managed to regain it, albeit the hard way. 

Once again - 2021 was a year of massive changes. New job, endured so much self-doubt and thinking that I'm so undeserving of it all until I realised I do. Met someone and also lost the same someone in the same fucking year, which broke my heart but opened my eyes to everything that I've been desperately trying to run away from. Sought therapy for the first time and it was such a liberating experience. Everything seemed all over the place but I don't seem to run alongside it. 

Anyway this post really doesn't sound coherent at all but it accurately depicted how this year went down so...  

I just want to be human in 2022 & beyond.