Turning 35

My birthday is this week and for real it makes my anxiety go through roof!  Most people who have been to one of my birthday parties would be surprised by this because they're kind of a big deal.  A friend of mine asked why I throw such a big event for my own birthday if I don't even like my birthday - truth time - its my way of coping.  I can control everything from who is invited to what we eat, the theme, the date, the decorations, the favors, the flowers, all of it and everyone is so busy partying it up that I can be the worker bee and not have any attention on myself.  It has turned into a way to guilt people into showing up because you know, its my birthday.  But in all reality I work tirelessly to give the amazing women in my tribe a night off, a night to be catered to and thought of and spoiled.  Basically I do for them what fills my soul and gears me up for another day.

I have struggled with self esteem and confidence for pretty much my entire life.  I really don't like to be the center of attention.  But I always feel compelled to create environments where others feel valued and a part of something.  One of my greatest fears in life is not mattering, not making a difference, not leaving the world a better place.  I want so deeply to show others that they matter.  That I see them, that their existence is meaningful to me.  I will cook for hours, clean furiously, carefully arrange flowers and thoughtfully pick out favors to say "Guess what - its all for you! You are worth it!"  I have found that the older I get the more I feel myself fading into the background  While I am truly blessed and grateful to be a wife and a mother, I struggle with finding my identity in the mix of it all.  I struggle with knowing what makes me unique, what lights my fire, what only I can offer this world.

May highlights all of these insecurities between Mother's Day and my birthday.  I feel as though a spotlight shines on my failures and all I can see are the ways I mess up each day in raising my kids.  I see a life that is not the one I envisioned.  I see myself just trying to survive and praying each day for the will and power to learn to thrive.  I see goals unmet, bad habits still holding on strong and another year gone, gone without the growth I had hoped for.  I want to see the beauty, the blooming flowers, the budding trees, the sunshine on my face.  I want see the way the girls light up in excitement to celebrate, not their concern as I struggle to smile.  I want to feel included, thought of, loved.  Its during these times that I am reminded of the way mental illness shrouds every part of life.  It cloaks everything in darkness.  Sometimes I am just too tired to fight it.  Sometimes I allow myself to wallow in it.

And perhaps that is why throwing a party is my saving grace.  Work has always been my strongest weapon against the darkness of anxiety and depression.  Creating something wonderful is the best way I know how.  And so I will drive my husband crazy as I obsess over every detail, as I get a little frantic when its down to the wire.  But after its done, when everyone has gone home and I sit in the dark with my favorite chocolate cake, I will feel for a moment that I matter.  That I have the ability to give others a bit of light.  That my struggles and fears will not bury me.  That this unexpected life that I have been blessed with is better than the one of my dreams.

What lies beneath

I am generally not an angry person, but lately I have found myself lashing out in fits of rage.  I have been struggling to identify what is going on with me.  Today, I finally put the pieces together that I have been under tremendous amounts of stress for months (well, really years - an entire decade in fact) in relation to Anthony's employment.  I am finally acknowledging and accepting the fact that his field is tumultuous and there will never be consistency or dependability and its okay for me to say it takes a toll on me.

We are incredibly blessed that Anthony is able to do what he loves and provide for our family.  But, it comes at price.  And today, I am realizing that the price is more than what I bargained for.  As a hockey coach he literally works season to season, not knowing if a contract will be renewed or where he will end up next.  Every 3-6 months he is networking, interviewing and at the mercy of volunteer boards to decide what direction they want to go in and they often take months to move forward on anything.  And so we wait, I stress and worry and pray, he pounds the pavements and hustles.  Once a contract is agreed upon I can relax for a couple of months until the process starts all over again.  This whole ordeal is utterly exhausting.  I am getting better about having faith and trust that the Lord will provide, as He always has.  I thought this go around that I was rocking it, until my anger boiled to the surface and I realized that I have no control.  My entire life is out of my control and there is nothing I can do about it, other than choose to enjoy the ride.  And I'll be honest, it's an ongoing trial of my faith that stretches me and forces me grow.

What most people don't know about me is that when I am struggling I don't sit in my jammies and hide out.  I become hyper vigilant in certain things that I feel I can control.  I focus on losing weight, organizing and cleaning my house, tackling projects, serving others.  These things are what keep my going.  But beneath all of that, I am total mess.  My anxiety is through the roof and I am always on edge.  I expend tremendous amounts of energy just trying to keep it together and cannot emotionally connect with people.  As a result, everyone around me is oblivious to what is going on and I feel isolated.  

I have had many beautiful and dear friendships that have ended in total disaster because of the way I cope with my struggles in life.  So now I am to the point where I don't feel comfortable opening up to people.  I know the version of Kelsey that most people like so I try to limit my interactions to when I feel able to put that foot forward.  I can't open the door to the other side of me, the one that is in pain and fighting each day to keep her head above water.  I used to refer to this as the ugly side of myself but I don't feel that way anymore.  It is the real side of me.  The vulnerable side that doesn't worry about the toys on the floor or the crumbs on the table.  The side of me that I hold so dear to myself that I don't share it with many others.  This is the side of me that when rejected, is truly crushed and heartbroken for years.  I know we can't let every person in our lives so close.  That there are different depths of relationships and that is healthy.  But I am an all or nothing kind of gal.  I don't know how to be open without letting my guard down completely and that is so scary.  

I don't need warm fuzzies or pity.  I just need to let the truth of my life, my situation, my feelings and my fears exist in the world.  I need to let them out so they don't bury themselves deep within me, slowly suffocating me.  And I need people to know that there are probably others, many others, who don't air out all of their dirty laundry.  Who are working so hard to put one foot in front on the other.  So look into the eyes of those you hold dear.  Tell them you love them, you are there for them and it's okay to be hurting, to be angry, to be struggling.  It is okay to be broken.  And they are safe to be broken with you. Then don't judge, don't be offended, love them until they are on the other side of whatever pit they are facing.

Be brave with her

I have this picture in my room and I adore it.  It reminds me each day that my journey is mine and I must learn to embrace it, the highs, the lows and all of the beauty in between.  One thing that I don't think people understand is that I struggle EVERY SINGLE DAY to overcome the depression that threatens to overwhelm me at any moment.  For the most part I am able to function at the level I want, but it requires so much mental and emotional work to stay in a good place.  I have off days, off weeks and sometimes entire months when I really, really struggle.  I have accepted that I will probably feel this way for the rest of my life and that's okay.

One aspect of managing my depression that most people don't understand is that what may appear as anger is in fact pain.  When I have an anxiety attack in a social setting I just have to get out.  I have to get to a place where I don't feel that everyone is staring, where I can ugly cry without my kids seeing, where I can drop to my knees and plead for relief.  I feel so utterly alone in those moments that I can't accept help, I need to do it on my own and get to where I can breathe again.  I wish people would understand that I don't blame them, the situation or anything else for my feelings - I blame the disease that affects my brain.  During these really tough times I have been met with judgement instead of grace, gossip instead of encouragement and closed doors instead of loving communication.  I get it - if you haven't experienced it you don't always understand.

So here is my plea, when someone who know is acting off, different from normal, go to that person in love and find out if she is alright.  Think back to your experiences and remember all of the good she has done and don't let that be erased by a tense encounter.  Remember her character, remember what she has shared about her journey and lift her up, because in those moments she needs you the most.  This journey is filled with so much joy but also a lot of pain.  Don't give up on her, don't prove her right when she keeps saying she is all alone.  Be brave with her.

Its me, not you

Transitions, oh transitions are so tough!  This move has been harder on me than I expected.  I am not sure if my hopes were too high or if being settled is allowing the postpartum to take hold, I'm not quite sure why but I am feeling so completely disconnected and alone right now. 

I know that last year was a blessing.  Anthony's schedule was relatively light (compared to most other seasons) which allowed him to help so much at home.  I was so sick and miserable for most of my pregnancy and would not have survived without him.  I have been spoiled since Lucy was born the week after his regular season ended.  And now tryouts have begun for Anthony and homework and activities and real dinner and real bedtime need happen for the kids.  There is only one of me and a nursing 6 month old, an overly tired 3 year old, a trying 7 year old and a very emotional 10.5 year old.  Yesterday I cried over everything, spit up on the floor, a potty training accident, a picture that was bumped and knocked off, laundry and a temper tantrum, just to name a few. 

I honestly don't know how I am going to survive.  I don't know how I will get everyone where they need to be. I don't know how homework or music practice will get done.  I don't know how I will do Family Home Evening or scripture study and prayer.  I don't know how I will make dinner or do the dishes.  I don't know how I will play with and read to and enjoy these precious little girls while they are still little.  I don't know how I am going to be kind and tender with my girls.  I don't know how I am going to fulfill my church callings.  I don't know how I am going to serve others.  I don't know how I am going to be a friend, sister, daughter or wife.  I don't know how I am going to clean my house or my car.  I don't know how I am going to plant a garden.  I don't know how I am going to exercise.  I don't know how I am going to fill my heart and soul and do something that makes me feel alive.  I don't know how I am going to breathe.

These are some of my fears.  The fears that paralyze me.  And the feeling of isolation compounds them.  I feel that I am the only one.  The only one who can't get my act together.  The only one who can't wait to put her kids to bed so she can binge on junk food.  The only one who feels that she is drowning in the sea of motherhood.  The only one who wonders if she is in over her head.  The rational part of my brain tells me no - other people feel this way too.  But I don't know them - or at least they put on the show.  You know the one I'm talking about, the "Oh everything's great! We are all so wonderful!" show.  We all do it.  I don't know why. I am so broken.  In need of someone to share my complete brokenness with.  But I don't know who.  Everyone is so busy.  Too busy for phone calls so we just text and miss all of the emotion. To busy for impromptu visits.  Too busy to connect.  Too busy to feel.  I believe that when we put connection and feeling first we are better equipped to deal.  Better able to face the fears and press forward.

But I'm different, so different.  And this is the hardest thing of all for me to accept.  I am so extremely different and I just don't get most things.  I don't recognize boundaries and overstep more often than not.  I am too opinionated.  I worry too much about people.  And I love too deeply.  I am constantly thinking about and worrying about the people in my life.  I am hoping and praying that they are okay and that their needs (emotional and physical) are met.  I try too hard.  I think too much.  I assume.  I assume others hurt as deeply as I do or that they are as lonely as I am.  I want so badly to be friends with everyone I meet.

So yes. its me, not you.  I know I am difficult and confusing.  I know its hard to be my friend and I'm sorry.  So one of these days I hope to figure it all out.  To figure out how to manage my life, my fears, my heart.  One of these days I hope to figure out how to be the woman I need to be.

Anxiety and trying to let go

I am 6.5 weeks post partum and feeling okay.  I have felt well for the most part but my social anxiety keeps catching me off guard.  I remember after having Lydia that my anxiety was the first thing I struggled with, the depression came later.  I will feel well one minute and then be filled with anxiety and completely overwhelmed very soon after.  I have found that church is one of my greatest triggers.  Each Sunday I have gone, I have come home feeling really low.  It is so difficult for me because I love church, I NEED church.  I look forward to partaking of the sacrament and feeling the Spirit and being lifted up by the teachings.  But the social aspect is overwhelming.
I have found that articulating my feelings helps me to process and work through them, so I popped onto my blog to write about it - only to see the draft of a post from November about the EXACT same struggle, that I never finished.  Seeing as I am still facing this and it is still so hard for me, I will just continue my thoughts from months ago.
I had the realization last week that I have changed in ways that are surprising to me and I don't know if I am all too thrilled with.  In the past I have thrived on parties, large gatherings and any opportunity to be with others.  I used to always say "any excuse for a party".  But as of late, being in large groups triggers immense anxiety.  Anxiety to the point of me rushing out in tears because I can't deal with the overwhelming emotions.  As opportunities to get together with others approach my excitement wanes and fear takes over.  I fear that I will have a breakdown, that I will regret going, that I will feel completely and utterly alone in a room full of people.  And so, I have had to make the decision to simple not put myself in those situations anymore.  And it makes me sad.  It feels completely contrary to who I am and what I love.  It makes me feel as though something is wrong with me.  My desires to participate and plan and enjoy are being overshadowed by my inability to cope.
A few weeks ago I had a really busy weekend with parties at my house Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights. I also went back to church for the first time Sunday morning with 3 of the 4 kids by myself.  Before the party was over on Sunday night I ended up crying in a dark room, clutching my baby and pleading with myself to simply pull it together.  As we were cleaning up afterward Anthony asked if I even had fun and I immediately blurted out no.  What I can't wrap my head around is why I keep doing these things if they make me miserable.  As I thought more about this I realized that it is not necessarily the event or gathering that causes my anxiety, it is the pressure I put on myself in relation to the event.  I feel this compulsion to be put together, to have my house perfect, my kids well behaved, to pull it all off flawlessly.  Which is ridiculous on a normal day, let alone within weeks of having a baby (and major surgery at that!).  I will be honest that the thought of having people come in my house when there is anything (even 1 book) on the floor, makes me cringe.  If I know someone is coming I feel that I must have all of the dishes done, the floor vacuumed, the shelves dusted, the table wiped clean, the kitchen swept, etc.  I know that the people who come over love me and they simply don't care.  They don't care if it is clean, they don't care if toys litter the floor or crumbs from snack time are under the table.  They don't care if I am in sweats and I am sure they would even be okay if I forgot to put on deodorant in the race of my morning routine.  So why I am so afraid?   Why do I feel that my worth is connected with the state of my house, my outfit, my kids' tangled hair? I know it is all in my head. But I simply don't know how to let it go.
I know that as we prepare to move and I spend time packing that the every day stuff simply won't get done every day.  And somehow I need to change.  I need to accept that for now its okay to let some things go.  If I want to get back to where I enjoy life and being with others, I must learn to let go.  I need to be okay with people seeing my life as it really is - a HOT MESS!  I need to stop putting on the show that I am mastering this whole 4 kid thing, because I am not.  I am tired, I get so frustrated, I am overwhelmed.  I want to be able to manage my life, but right now I simply can't.  Anthony has tournaments nearly every weekend in April and May,which means I am on my own for many things (CHURCH - eek!).  My kids will want to do fun things ans I will just have to decide - will I succumb to my  fear of being judged or will I just embrace where I am and show up as I am, with no apology.

My story

Lately I have been thinking a lot about stories.  The stories that create the fabric of our lives.  The threads that create the patterns of our thoughts, the trajectory of actions.  These threads, when all woven together, make us who we are today, describe who we were and predict who we will become.  We all have a story and I have found that it is in sharing our story and in deeply partaking of the stories of others we find empathy, love, compassion, forgiveness, mercy and grace.  We become more alive and present in this human experience.
When I share my heart with someone who truly wants to know me, loneliness dissipates.  I feel that who I am matters.  How I got here matters.  Sharing our hearts, our stories, requires trust, vulnerability and time.  Once we partake in the story of another we are changed, our relationship is changed and this is a beautiful thing.
I feel compelled to share my story, to allow it to exist and breathe in the universe.  I have suffered from a great lack of self esteem for my entire life.  I have spent over 20 years chasing an ideal that would somehow prove that I am important, I am of worth and value.  I have worked, I have studied, I have done everything I could to feel that what I do matters, that I matter, to someone, anyone.  What I have learned and have knowledge of in my mind is that I am innately of great worth but I have struggled desperately to feel it, truly feel it within my soul.
And so I continue to cycle through phases of trying desperately to fit in, to be needed, to ensure that no one else around could possible feel unloved to phases of not caring, shutting myself away and cutting people off.  All of this is heightened by hormones of pregnancy and the fear that I will never be me again.
I used think that I would reach a certain level of contentment and joy by this phase of my life.  I have found that more than ever I feel lost and unsure.  The more I recognize my total lack of control over life and my future, the more inept I feel at handling it.  I know the answer is to let go, to have faith, to take those ominous steps in the dark, but today I don't think I have it in me.  Maybe tomorrow I will.  Today, all I can do is be vulnerable.
This is my story.  What is yours?

Fear, tears and joy

Today I had my 20 week ultrasound and we found out that I am expecting our fourth girl.  I will admit, tears rolled down my cheeks for the remainder of the ultrasound after I realized I would never have a son.
When I got home I literally locked myself in my room with a tub of chocolate peanut butter ice cream and wouldn't answer my phone.  It wasn't until a sweet friend reached out tonight, excited to hear the results of the ultrasound, that I finally understood why I was so upset.  It hit me that I am absolutely terrified by the thought of raising a fourth daughter.
I feel so overwhelmed by the three girls I have now.  I feel that I'm not and can't be the mother they need, the role model they need, the teacher they need.  I am so afraid of messing up on another girl - perhaps I would fare better with a son and learn to be a better mother, the mother my children need, if things were different.  I know it sounds silly.  I know that I need to learn to be a good mother to the amazing children I have been blessed with.  I know that each one of them was sent to me specifically to teach me and love me in the ways I need.  But I feel inept at being able to give them what they need.
My sweet friend told me "God has a plan and this little sweetie picked you!  She saw something in you and wanted you forever".  I cry every time I read that and hope it is true.  My life has been blessed beyond measure by the three special girls we have and I know this baby will bring love and joy without bounds.  I just hope I can measure up.

Blessing of the temple

A couple of weeks ago my dear friend Julie offered to watch my girls so I could attend our stake temple day.  I was deeply touched by her thoughtfulness and willingness to sacrifice so that I could do something that is so important to me.  I really, really needed to go to the temple today.

All week I have been feeling like I am falling more and more behind each day.  I was out of town unexpectedly last week and then we went out of town the day after I returned for the long weekend.  I have felt that I can't keep up with my normal day to day responsibilities let alone start tackling the long list of projects that need to be attended to.  My energy, stamina and moral have been low and I have been working so hard to not start spiraling into a depression.  When I get like this it requires every ounce of energy and patience, which means there is literally nothing left for my children.  When you're a mom, that is a scary place to be.

Needless to say, the fact that Anthony was home this morning was an incredible blessing.  I simply could not wait to retreat to the peace of the temple tonight.  I felt emotional during the drive down but didn't really know why my heart felt so heavy.  Upon entering, I realized that I am absolutely terrified.  I am so afraid to have another baby, to feel even more inept and unable to keep up with my  life.  I am terrified of having to change who I am and what is important to me.  I fear having to do it all on my own, with no one in my corner rooting me on.  I worry about not being the mom my kids need and totally messing them up.  I just don't know how I can do this.

After the session as I sat in the celestial room, feeling great comfort by the peace that was beginning to fill my soul, I wasn't sure what I should pray about.  Someone asked if my prayers had been answered yet and I was caught so off guard that I replied that no, it usually doesn't happen right away.  And then my eyes filled tears.  Because in that moment I knew I was completely wrong, my prayers, the unasked prayers that my Father in Heaven knew were in my heart, were being answered.  He knew that in that moment I needed a hug and so my heart was enveloped in His love.  He knew that I was so scared and He reminded me that He has a plan for me and this is part of it.  He won't ever make me walk the path alone.  He is there, always right beside me.  At those times when I feel so utterly alone, He is there.  When I feel I can't take another step, He is there.  When I doubt who I am and why I am wired this way, He reminds me that He created me and He doesn't make mistakes.  When I plead for just one friend, one who really knows my heart, He reminds me that my Savior has felt all that my heart has felt.

Oh what a blessing it is to attend the temple.  What a blessing it is to know that my Heavenly Father knows me, loves me and answers my prayers.  What a blessing it is to know that what I see as my greatest faults and inabilities, are gifts that I can use to bless others.  Without my faith I don't know where I would be.  I don't know who I would be.  And while I will continue to feel on the outside, looking in and wishing for an invitation, I know I am not out there alone.

Finding my way through

I am pregnant with baby number four!  I am so excited and have been waiting for this but have also felt a lot of fear going into it.  Hormones and I don't get along very well.  What is life giving for my baby, robs me of my sense of self and reality.  The nausea is uncomfortable (at best!) but it is the depression - the deep ache within my being that I struggle with mightily.

Gratitude and love fill my heart, they do.  I have known since Lydia was born that this baby was anxious to join our family.  I know that I am truly blessed to be able to have babies.  So please, don't take this as ingratitude for an incredible blessing. I know that this pregnancy and my struggles with it, are gifts from a loving Father in Heaven.  But honestly, I fear getting pregnant because of the depression that controls my life for the 2  years that follow.

I have good days.  Days where I feel joy, peace, love - days where I feel like myself.  But I also have really, really tough days where I lay on the floor sobbing.  Sobbing because my body hurts, sobbing because my heart hurts, sobbing because I feel so utterly alone.  I know people say 'let me know if you need anything'.  But I can't.  How do you call or text someone and say 'Hey, so I am incapable of doing anything in my life right now.  Will you drop everything and put my kids to bed for me?'  I can't do it.  I have tried to reach out in subtle ways but even those hurt.  They hurt because I don't feel that my deep sorrow will matter enough.  That it will be understood enough.  That it will actually warrant the sacrifice of another.  It scares me to be vulnerable, especially in those moments - my worst moments.  And so I pray.  I pray to know what to do next.  Sometimes the answer is take a shower or take out the garbage.  Sometimes it is hold your baby or take a nap.  But there is always an answer.  And somehow, through the grace of God, I get through it.

My next challenge is to not become bitter.  To not become angry and hurt.  My job is to recognize that this trial, this struggle is for my benefit.  It is my refiner's fire.  Through these moments, these days, I feel what I know others feel.  I hurt in ways I never knew I could hurt before.  My ability to see, understand, comfort and empathize is heightened.  I work through these experiences to find my way to my Savior.  To be more capable of following His example and loving people as He loves them  - and me.  People tell me that I need to learn to love myself.  I feel that I have made great progress in this.  I am learning to love who I am.  But loving myself doesn't subdue the loneliness.  The loneliness makes me question my worth, but ultimately that is not the core issue.  I need to learn to not be hurt by other people's advice.

What I really want, what I really need is just someone to cry with.  I don't need to be fixed because there's nothing wrong with me.  I need to be seen.  I need to be heard.  And I have learned that it will most likely not be by a friend.  Friendships are hard for me.  I try, but I don't know how to make them work.  So I am learning to accept the love of my Savior.  I am learning to accept His friendship as enough.

I will be a mess from now until who knows when.  I will do my best but my best now will feel like a lesser best.  I am working to be okay with that.  Because this season of my life is a blessing and my choice to have another baby will bless my life forever.  This struggle will be forgotten amid the beauty that will surface because of it.

People aren't banks and life simply isn't fair

While driving to the temple yesterday I opted for quiet and an atmosphere in the car that was fit for prayer and contemplation.  As I poured my heart out to Heavenly Father and worked to prepare myself to enter His holy house, I was blessed with a wondrous revelation that I hope to always remember and keep close to my  heart.  I realized that people are not banks.  We cannot make deposits in them, giving our time, our love, our energy, our service and our hearts, with the expectation that we can, at some later time, withdraw what we have given.  Relationships can't be viewed in terms reciprocity and fairness.  Because life simply isn't fair - or is it?  Sometimes we must be the giver.  Sometimes we must give and show up and love, knowing we will never be filled in return by the recipient.  This is the definition of unconditional love.  Loving - giving all that we are - without needing, wanting, demanding it in return.  It is choosing that their actions, their reactions, their lack of actions won't change us, won't stop us, won't harden us.

Oh how difficult and trying this is.

Oh how I ache for people to love me the way I love them.

And then I realized that I am often the taker.  There are people in my life who give quietly and persistently and without asking or demanding anything in return.  They love me unconditionally.  They see me, they show up.  And I didn't even realize it.  I have been going along feeling bad for myself because of the way others take advantage of me and I have been doing the same ungrateful thing.

Bitterness is often the result of ingratitude.  By not recognizing the good, the great abundance in our lives we can feel forgotten and unloved.  We compare, we expect and then we stop.  We stop giving goodness and love because we feel cheated.  I catch myself thinking these thoughts at times. I want to pull out the measuring stick and line myself up, all my deeds, with others.  I want to prove that I have given more than what is fair, more than I what I even had to give.  What a dangerous and lonely path that is.

While life often seems unfair, that's okay.  The abundance of another, does not in any way diminish what I have, only my perspective, my attitude, my choices can do that.  Gratitude has an amazing ability to expand.  When we look for and appreciate the good, the difficult, the draining and the uplifting things in our lives, we see that they are all for our growth and our development.  Our eyes are opened and we find greater joy and love in what is already there.  We don't need more.  We need gratitude.  We need to give without expectation.  We need to love without conditions. 

I will not receive what I give, because I don't need it.  I have been created by my Heavenly Father to fill voids, to be me, to give what only I can give, in ways that only I can give it.  My love is unique to me and I am learning to love that about myself.  For so long I wished that my brain were wired differently - I didn't want to be me anymore.  Now, I marvel at the way the Lord can use me, when I am willing.  When I choose to open my heart, to step up and reach out.  We can be the goodness.  If we choose.  When we stop looking for fairness and equability we begin to love and give and receive with great power.  And this changes people.  It changes us.  I need the love that only you can give me.  You fill me and all those around you in ways that are unique to you.  Stretch yourself, give when it hurts, forgive when you can't, love when you don't want to.

Today I am committing to change.  Today I am committing to choose to see the good and truly accept what others give, because it is probably their very best, perhaps more than they even had.  I am working to love unconditionally.  To find joy and peace in being a giver.  To allowing that joy to fill me.  I want to be a cheerleader for those around me and reassure them that we are all in this together.  Working our way through this life that is so hard.