1 + 1 = ?

As a gift from me to you, I have a fun little math problem for you to solve during your free time this Easter weekend.

What is 5% of 100?

a) 1

b) 5

c) 20

d) 50

Answer:

If you've completed elementary school, then you should know that the correct answer is b) 5

If you're a female TSA security guard "working" at Dallas Love Field on the morning of Thursday April 1st, 2010, then your answer is c) 20

(P.S. If you didn't know what the answer to that question was before I told it to you, go ahead and stop reading this blog post right now...you won't find it amusing.)

As I was exiting the airport security checkpoint yesterday morning, I paused for a moment to get my laptop all situated in my briefcase before I continued my trek through the terminal to my assigned gate.

Thank goodness I was exhausted and didn't have fully functioning motor skills, because if I had, I would have been too fast and I would have missed this little gem of a conversation.

As I was finishing putting all of my stuff back in my bag, I saw the aforementioned female TSA security guard walk up to the security 'tower' (as I call it) and start to talk to the guy behind the desk. She started talking in her little snarky "I'm a TSA worker, so I'm better than you" tone...and this is what she said:

"He just told me that we are supposed to expect 5% of the people that come through the checkpoint to set off the metal detectors. 5%?! That means that out of 100 people...20 people are going to set them off. Really?! There's no way. He doesn't know what he's talking about."

After the guy behind the desk shrugs his shoulders and signals through his body language that he is done talking to her (I'm pretty sure he gave a textbook response based on his TSA management training) she proceeded to turn to the next TSA person that was standing right next to her. She wasn't going to give up until she could get a little affirmation.

"Can you believe this? 5%? There is no way that 20 people out of 100 are going to set off the metal detector!"

This TSA guy was equally unwilling to give her the confirmation that she hoped for.

She proceeded to a third TSA person. Her spiel was the same...but this time she got the reaction she was looking for.

"Ya. I know." said the third TSA person whose body language also said "I can't do anything about it."

In case you missed it...that means there was a minimum of 4 people charged with 'protecting' us from the threat of terrorism that couldn't perform an elementary math problem. (If I were a betting man, I'd put money on the fact that they aren't the only 4 blue-uniform clad TSA employees that would have answered the same way.) I had to pass a math test when I worked behind the cash register at a dry cleaners. Little did I know that Comet Cleaners had more stringent hiring practices than a government agency tasked with protecting our nation's security.

So, in conclusion...Happy Easter! :)

(You may be asking yourself right now, "Branden, out of all the TSA pictures you could find on Google, why did you choose that one?"

My response to you would be, "Once I stop laughing I'll tell you why.")

A timeless question...

Today I used the restroom.

I too think that this event in and of itself is exciting enough to warrant its own blog post; however, there's a little more to this story.

As I walked into the small restaurant restroom (you know the kind - they only fit one person, two if you really like each other) and I saw that there was both a urinal and a toilet.

**For the women reading this blog, the toilet/urinal combo is not unusual.

What is unusual, however, is the internal dialog that played in my mind as I opened the door -

"Should I use the urinal? or should I go for the always reliable toilet?"

"Well...the urinal uses less water..."

"What?! "

"Did I really just consider the possible water expenditure when determining which porcelain bathroom fixture to empty by bladder into?"

"Who am I?! and why am I thinking these crazy 'environmentally conscious' thoughts?!"

(As an important point of clarification: The choice between sitting and standing never entered my mind.)

So friends - which vessel did I choose to sprinkle with my tinkle?

The TOILET.

I had to waste a little water...just to compensate for my crazy 'green' thoughts.

I think I'm going to spill a little gas next time I fill up...just for good measure.

File cabinet or blog?

Some say that women's minds are like file cabinets...at a moment's notice they are able to pull out specific details (dates, times, etc.) about specific events.

I've come to the realization that my mind is like a blog.

Anytime I'm alone (sitting in the backseat of a taxi, walking to lunch, etc) I often find myself mentally writing blog entries. I come up with blog titles...I think of the perfect picture to use...I try think of funny one-liners...

Am I the only one that has been so effected by this digital/media filled/computerized age that my first thought after a funny/interesting event happens is "I should blog about that..."?

Case in point:

As I was walking through the airport this week, I tripped myself (I don't know how; if I did, I wouldn't have done it in the first place) and almost face planted myself on the tile floor in full view of everyone in the adjacent terminal.

My first thought wasn't..."Oh dang, I hope no one saw that!" or "I'm such an idiot..."

My first thought was "I wonder what my blog title would be if I had that on video?"

And for those of you smart alecks out there that are thinking "Why don't you actually post some of those mental blogs every once in a while?" ...I'm giving you a mental response right now, you just don't want to read it... ;)

Diamonds are forever...

This morning wasn't much different than any other morning.

I woke up to the alarm on my cell phone (I use the term "woke up" loosely) and immediately pressed the snooze button...like I do every single morning of my life.

Nine minutes later the alarm goes off again...(don't ask me why they chose 9 minute snooze intervals, I've asked myself the same question many-a-time)...and I debate whether or not to "snooze" some more. Today I decided not to make it a double-snooze morning, but I still wasn't ready to get out of bed. So what did I do? I pulled up Facebook on my phone. After I was satiated by all the statuses of my friends, I pulled up my email.

To my surprise I received an email from Hilton. No, not Paris or Perez, just the hotel.

The email went something like this:

Thank you for...yada yada yada

Normally you have to stay with us for one million nights (said with pinky finger extended to corner of mouth)...yada yada yada

We don't do this very often...yada yada yada

However, "we have extended you a one time exception and upgraded your account to Diamond VIP."

"What?!?! Me? Really!?" In my sad little traveling consultant's mind, this was better than a college acceptance letter!

I felt like I had just won the hotel rewards/points lottery!

I know what you're thinking, so just go ahead...I give you permission; You can tell all of your friends you know someone that has Marriott Platinum status AND HiltonHonors Diamond VIP status.

That little black card you see above will have my name on it and will be delivered to my home in 3 weeks or less. Don't hate the player...hate the game. ;)

Leather and Camo

This week as I was walking down the street about a 1/2 mile to my favorite lunch spot, and I saw a guy dressed like this:

He reminded me of one of my favorite jokes from comedian Demetri Martin:

"I was at a party, and I saw a guy with a leather jacket, and I thought, 'That's cool'."

"Then I saw a guy with a leather vest and I thought, 'That's not cool'."

"It was then that I realized what coolness is all about... leather sleeves."

Now you may be thinking to yourself, "Branden, how does a dude dressed in camouflage pants make you think of a joke about leather sleeves?"

Let me explain to you the thought that instantaneously went through my head as I saw the camouflage adorned man walk past me...

"I was walking down the street, and I saw a guy dressed in camouflage pants, and I thought

"He makes me feel unsafe."

"I then imagined the pictures I've seen from the news, and I thought

"He makes me feel safe."

"It was then that I realized what safety is all about... camouflage shirts."

Happy Birthday!

To the greatest sister-in-law ever!

Wishing you a very, very happy birthday Britney!

Where am I?

Have you ever been riding on an elevator and accidentally get off on the wrong floor because you're busy doing something else and not paying attention?

If so, how many times did you do it before you finally lifted up your head and paid attention?

One time? Two times? Three times?

Well, this week my magic number was 4. Was it because I finally started paying attention and got off in the right place? No. The 4th time I stepped off the elevator just happened to be the right floor.

Some weeks you just got it goin' on... This was not one of them.

What state?

What state do I live in?

Oh yea...TEXAS!

Movie night at Branden's

Lovin' it...

You be the judge.

= ?

You be the judge.