Depression and Anxiety

As a psych nurse I never thought in a million years I would use those two words to describe myself. The irony is, as an RN in that line of work we all joke that if you stay in the "psych" world too long you are bound to become a bit looney. That being said last year was brutal... not only physically but emotionally. Here I was enjoying life...just celebrated my 29th birthday, had recently attended The Landmark Forum and had finally, FINALLY gotten the job I had been applying for since I graduated nursing school.

Just finishing orientation I was about to walk into my first shift by myself and I had no feeling in my left leg and as I continued to walk and pretend that I would be able to get through my 12 hour shift my right leg progressively became numb with every step. I had complete foot drop in my left foot and if not for the wall next to me I would have greeted the floor face first. That night I spent my night in the ER, after an MRI and lets not forget the pain meds I was transfered from MY hospital... my new job.. to Banner Desert. What the heck... I mean, I am the nurse, I don't take rides in ambos...what had just happened? Despite my pleading I was indeed transferred, with sirens. OH Joy. Can you say embarrassing? If you haven't figured out yet, I was completely in denial. I had just purchased the truck of my dreams and was about to go camping with my family for the 4th of July. Amanda and I had even purchased our road trip gear and pink trucker hats. I wasn't going to spend the night in the hospital but I was wrong. I began to get settled, Amanda who had come to my rescue to be with me during this wild night had finally headed home for the night/morning. Minutes after she left I was informed after a second MRI, one taking over 1 1/2, that I was now ordered on bedrest and was not to eat or drink. This is when I began to my freak out and no dosage of ativan or valium was going to put me out. At shift change which was only about 2 hours later a very clueless yet friendly transporter walked in my room to tell me he was bring me to Pre-op. My response.... "ahhh hell no, I'm not having surgery!!" Lets be honest I had not even spoken to a doctor since I left the ER at Banner Baywood... and hello I was not about to be cut open. I began dialing as quickly as possible and couldn't get my mom to answer quick enough... "MOM they are trying to cut me open, come now!!" Then walked in this short dark haired man who introduced himself as my neurosurgeon. Who was he to decide that he was my doctor or that he was going to cut into me? He came off very blunt and as matter of fact which quickly shut me up. He asked the last time I had urinated and I honestly couldn't remember. He asked if I had any numbness or tingling in that area and I had...but didn't think anything of it considering my legs were NUMB!!! That when he helped me stand and asked me to lift my left foot and take a step... easy right. I had been walking since I was a wee little tyke. I could prove this arrogant doctor wrong. It didn't happen, I couldn't even lift my toes. I'm sure I freaked him out because thats when I had the "ahh haa" moment. I was going to have surgery on my back and my life were about to change. I quit fighting him and was on board with the procedure. It wasn't 15 min later I was wheeled back and next thing I know, I'm being woken up and wheeled back to my room. The rest is a blur...I was highly medicated!!! Which BTW was super embarrassing... apparently narcotic + Brandi = my mom having to endure some pretty hilarious conversation!!

 I had to stay over night in the hospital before I went to stay with my parents because I clearly could not take care of myself. Then began my new struggle of becoming the patient and not the care taker. I wasn't able to work, I would barely move. At about 4 weeks post op I started having pain in my left leg that would radiate to my ankle. I being the smart girl I am (insert sarcasm)... I googled it  and it was not looking good. All I kept reading was talk about failed laminectomy with the exact same symptoms I was having. I was scared and tried to will the pain away, thinking if I didn't tell anyone that it would go away. I mean I was still recovering and my leg/foot were getting stronger. Maybe it would go away. Yeah, no. I called my surgeons office and within hour I had seen him and been referred to a pain management doctor who had called me and scheduled me an appointment for the next day. I was sent for an MRI with and without contrast to rule out a hernia vs scar tissue or worst case senerio...BOTH. Yep the result sucked and I had both but as I was just going to be returning to work in a week, we were all on board that I would be careful and "baby" my back so we could prolong surgery as long as possible. That lasted all of like 5 weeks. The nerve pain from the scar tissue was excruciating. Nothing would relieve the pain in my calf or foot. I would go to work and put on a tough face and smile my way through only thinking "I have to make it out to my truck still and I feel like my leg is going to give out any minute." On my days off I would literally sleep, it hurt to do anything else. I was miserable and finally in aggreeance that my surgery would happen sooner rather then later. I began my pre op testing and notified my job I would need time off, AGAIN. It was at sonora quest that I realized I indeed had a problem, I could not pee. I thought I may have a shy bladder but they even let me take the cup home and in over 3 hours I had nothing. I made it till about 1pm the next day before I decided 24+ hours without peeing was not good and I would be on my way back to the ER. After being admitted and several obstacles that I will hopefully feel comfortable talking about at a later time I was back in the OR for a surgery that was not supposed to take longer then 2-3 hours and ended up taking my surgeon 5+ hours. The MRI had not shown how bad my scar tissue was or the extent of my two new herniation's. In the words of my surgeon, "It was a bitch" He informed me that my recovery would take longer and I would have greater limitations. I went about my way and at my 2 week appointment reality set in. My world came crashing down as I was told I needed to lower my truck, that I needed to change my nursing path, bedside nursing would not be in my future, crossfit was out and worst I wouldn't be able to carry babies.

Remember those words "Depression and Anxiety" well, allow me to introduce you...hello my name is Brandi. I was and still am devastated. I would wake up and put on that same fake yet convincing smile but I was lost. It sounds silly but I love my truck and it isn't "just" a truck to me. I worked my ass off, fought through nursing school and finally proved to myself that I am not a quitter. I did become a nurse, I am independent and now I got my truck!!! My dad wanted me to sell it, wanted me to get something else. It was practical but after all I had been through I couldn't even fathom selling it. She was my Black Beauty and was going no where. I was blessed to be able to drive my moms tahoe but missed my ride until I come up with a solution and said funds for that solution. Not being paid for my leave was quickly setting in. Luckily I had savings but not being paid for a total of 17 weeks last year was stressing me out. I felt completely worthless. I had worked since I was 15 and actually enjoy my job. I've said it a million times but I was meant to be a nurse. I like my job and despite how difficult or crappy it can be I know I am making a difference. How do they expect me to change my plans for life and become a desk nurse. That isn't me... I need interaction and patient care...

I also needed crossfit, I was so excited that once I was healed I was going to be pain free and had every hope of returning to my home at CFM. It has been so long since I had been able to consistently been able to work out because of my back. I'm not stupid or naive, I knew I would never be the same and that I would have to continue to modify of course but I just longed to belong again.

Babies... Are you kidding me?!? I love being an aunt and can't wait to me a momma. Still to this day have a hard time talking about this...

So yes, through all the physical pain, worse is what I'm facing in the now. This is as honest as I have ever been with the world... to anyone reading. The week of Thanksgiving was dark for me. I can't even begin to explain what I felt. I had never in my life felt so low. Driving home one night I realized, I didn't care if I lived anymore. I can honestly say I wasn't about to go hurting myself but I did not feel safe. I felt disconnected from my brain, I was broken. I have the most amazing family and support but it wasn't enough. I felt weak and like I was disappointing everyone around me and I had no idea how to fix it. I knew Brandi was still inside but I didn't know how to shake it. I spent many a nights at my parents house, side by side with my mom. I cried on her shoulder as I couldn't sleep, my heart would pound out of my chest and I would go into full blown panic attacks. I did my best to continue on with life and pretend it was great. Pretend I was grateful for this trial when in fact I felt like it was given to the wrong person.

Today I still battle anxiety/depression. I wake up with my heart pounding out of my chest and it comes out of no where. The word "goal" freaks me out because it pushes me and I'm so afraid of messing up my back and ending up paralyzed. I'm not a candidate for a fushion nor would I want one. There is no plan B or C... I have to lose weight which ps is next to impossible when you are living off medications to decrease inflammation which coincidentally not only cause you to want to eat the kitchen sink but also cause weight gain. That isn't an excuse and I know I could have been eating better but when you are down right depressed and barely getting by a cookie or ice cream seems to make everything better. I didn't waste my time typing this for sympathy. That is NOT why I was given this trial. I wake up every morning/evening (I work nights) and as it takes a good 20 minutes of stretching and trying to get up before I can stand straight I think...why? Why me? Why this? Why now? Those answers have still yet to be answered but I am doing my best to be grateful for this struggle as I feel it will make me a better person. I will be a better daughter, sister, friend, and nurse. I have a greater understanding of life. Those words are more then words... depression and anxiety suck. They sneak up on you without warning but I will not let them define me. Today is a good day, I don't know about tomorrow but I do know that I do have support and don't have to go at it alone and that is what I am grateful for.

BUSTED!

     When I started this journey I thought for sure that I would be ALOT further in my journey than I am. I was determined and nothing was going to stop me but instead my frustration got the best of me and the last couple months have certainly not been my most successful but actually the exact opposite. Things piled up: I started a new job, then there was Thanksgiving, Christmas, COLD/FLU season and then of course I decided to be a big girl and move out of Casa De Parentals. As if that wasn't enough I had quit the chiropractor I was going to because I really saw no end. (more on that later)  Let the record be straight, none of that is an excuse. I am not being hard on myself but truthful. The only way I am going to meet my goals is to be honest with myself and realistic. I was frustrated with the pain I was in and the stress took over and everything else in the world became more important. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate the word failure so I have been quite upset with myself the last couple months. 
    I have slowly had to come to terms with the fact that my back is no longer an injury but a condition. It is with me and although I may feel good one day, the next day I may feel the exact opposite. It is not an easy lesson to learn and seriously brings me to tears. There is so much I want to be able to do but my body will just not allow me a this point in my life. It sounds easy and I can't begin to explain why I can't seem to keep a grasp on it but I see so many amazing athletes kicking ass and even though I know I have come a long way it makes me sad to watch people be able to do things that I can not. The insecure Brandi kicks in and I begin to feel judged and think that everyone wonders what I am even doing there. I know this is not the case but sometimes we're our own worst enemy and I know that is my biggest problem. Even though I feel like my back is my biggest set back its my insecurity that continues to bring me down. I am lucky to have been introduced to a myopractor that has so far been what I needed but unfortunately my bones are just as stubborn as I and they are easily moved which is good for him while he is adjusting me but bad for me because any wrong move that I make can result in extreme pain. Fun right?!? 
     I have so many questions and with everything I have been through in my past and especially my divorce, my #1 question is why? Why can't I catch a break? Why can't I just work out the way I want? Why must everything in my life be so damn difficult and why must there always be a lesson to learn? I know it wouldn't be worth it if it was easy but I'm not even asking for easy. I would just like for maybe someone to understand what I'm going through and how hard it is to sit and watch what you wish you could be doing. I do have an overwhelming amount of support within my crossfit family just sometimes I have blurred vision to that. I wish it weren't the case but I'm far from perfect and man oh man I have a lot to work on. 
     My goal for the next month is to not get down on myself and to be content with my current situation. I will not be able to move forward until then. I will restart paleo and stop making excuses. For goodness sakes, I started cold turkey and kept with it almost 6 months. I know I got this!! I need to believe in what my coach tells me and even if I can't work out one day, if I am strict with my diet then I will still progress....cheating just brings me down. 

TWO WEEKS PAIN FREE!!!

     I had a LOT of doubts that it would happen but it has been 2 weeks and I have had zero pain!! I tried my best not to get too excited and take it one day at a time but I can't hold in my excitement any longer! It felt like it took forever and being stubborn did not help. I finally had to quit being me and just listen to what my Dr and AJ were telling me. Boy oh boy am I glad I did. Not being in pain mixed with my added confidence has made these last couple weeks some of the best I've had in a long time! 

Roller Coaster Anyone?

      I have always loved roller coasters and even got excited about going on one after I started losing weight but right now every day feels like a roller coaster and I just want off...
   
    Up until now I have used my blog to only document the GOOD or HAPPY moments I've had the last three months but I haven't really be honest or true to myself. I don't know who I was kidding when I thought that losing half my body weight was going to be easy. I felt it would be like school....you go to class, take notes, study and take a test. Piece of cake right?!? Not so much, there is so much that I can't control that I find myself using the word "Frustrated" almost daily. I honestly hate the word and cringe when I say it now....yes I still use it and one day I will be creative and come up with something different but right now that is all I've got. 
      I have been overweight and unhappy all my life. I'm really good at hiding it and have always been complimented on how happy I am and what a great smile I have but on the inside I am the most inadequate person you will meet. I have terrible anxiety and the idea of meeting new people, "skinny people" can send me into a panic attack. I have stressed and struggled with ulcers since I was 17 and a junior in high school so you would think I would have done something to change it instead of waiting 10 years but quite frankly I am stubborn as hell and apparently like to take the hard road. After finishing nursing school I decided that if I could endure that then I could definitely lose weight and be skinny. News flash the idea looked a lot better in my head. I'm not trying to say that its impossible I'm just saying that I am hitting major road blocks and some days its hard to know where to go or what to do next. 
     When I started I was told that I needed to change my diet and honestly that was the easiest thing. I live the Paleo lifestyle and I'm happy and believe in it. I also knew that I would be working out and that excited me. I believe I've always been a skinny girl at heart because I love being active. I was ecstatic to learn that there would be ways to teach and train my body to do a real pull up at some point. I was excited to be able to run....I knew it was going to be hard but I knew that I could do it. I believed in myself, that I was strong enough and wanted it bad enough that I would do it. I'm not a quitter so I was not going to sign up for something and be a fool. I however was not prepared to hear that I have a back condition that was going to not only take up time but be physically painful. As my Dr pointed out today I am better then I was when I walked in his door 2 months ago but I am nowhere near where I want to be and it is a constant battle. I try to set goals and I feel myself fighting with my full heart and with everything that I have and I just can't seem to reach them. Some days I hear the word "GOAL" and it makes my stomach ache because I already feel like a failure. I wanted to lose 70+ pounds in 90 days and that didn't happen. I didn't even come close and no matter what I say to myself I can't seem to make myself ok with it. I wanted it so badly and I know there was more I needed to do, it was just things I was incapable of doing at the time. I struggle everyday, the question when I wake up is, "Are you in pain? If the answer is yes I will have an internal struggle about how much pain I'm in. Is it enough that i can still work out? Is it noticeable? How far can I push it before I'm out for a week because I'm hurting even worse? When I wake up and I'm not in pain, I go crazy and fit in all the exercising I can because I don't know what the next day will bring. Right now my Dr is stumped and doesn't know what to do. I am so grateful for him and his honestly and that he has my best interest at heart but that is not news you want to hear when you are in pain. I have so much respect for him in seeking a second opinion to as why my back keeps relapsing and why we can't get more than a couple good days before the next couple bad. I cried when I got the news, I cried when I called AJ and I am crying now....shocker. PS I DON'T LIKE TO CRY. If I had more time I would google how to dry my tears!!!!!
     My focus almost 100% of the time is on losing this weight. I have never been a "role model", "hero" or someone that people looked up to. I was always just Brandi, the girl who most the time gets walked all over because she has no guts to say no and wanted everyone to like her. It is crazy to me that people would look up to me or that my story would help someone. I know what I am doing is difficult but for the most part I still feel a lot of anger at myself for becoming this person so why would someone think that a girl who allowed herself to get to 300+ pounds is amazing? Although I am losing this weight for me, I feel like I don't want to let anyone down. 59 pounds is a lot of weight but I promised my coach I could lose more and that I would lose more. I know failure is good because it means I tried something but I would much rather win. I am a sore LOSER and hate being a disappointment.
    I guess what I'm trying to say is I really appreciate all the love and support I've received. Slowly and surely I'm starting to feel like somebody and its kinda hard when you haven't always felt that way. I promise I will NOT quit, I will see this thing through but I'm going to need to let go and be ok with the trials that are thrown my way. I don't know how or when that will happen but I will keep you posted.   


   

My 3ish Month Weigh In

     I am down 59 lbs and so totally ecstatic!! The best part is I am officially no longer in the 300lb category and it feels amazing. I have another 3 months before my next weigh in and I am going to stay strong and keep fighting. There is a skinny girl in here and she is ready to come out!

So Delicious!!!

   Today was a long day and I didn't get off work till 7:30, the last thing I wanted to do was go home and cook dinner but I am so glad I did!! I don't remember the last time I made a hamburger but for some reason that's what I wanted. I literally just threw some things together and this is what I came up with. You should totally try it!!!

(This photo does not do it justice!!) 

 1/2 onion
1 Roma tomato
8 diced white button mushrooms
1 clove garlic
Salt and Pepper
1 egg
Lettuce
Coconut oil
1/2 lb hamburger

 I sauteed the onion, tomato, mushrooms, garlic in coconut oil and seasoned lightly with salt and pepper. I let it cool a bit then added it to the uncooked hamburger meat. I formed them into (3) hamburgers and on the grill pan they went. I used lettuce as my bun and topped the burger with an egg over medium. SO DANG TASTY!!!!

Hieroglyphic Canyon

   I am on this journey to lose weight and with that I am going to be able to do things I've always wanted to do. One of them is HIKE!! Do you know how ridiculously hard it is to hike when you are overweight? I have been on hikes in the past and I always had a good time and I would always make it to the end but I would be behind everyone and the last one to finish. I was always proud of myself for finishing but it would kill me inside and felt like I held everyone back. Today I went on an early morning hike with my friend from work. He loves to hike and all week I warned him how bad I was. I knew the hike was pretty easy and that I'd be able to do it, I was just worried about my huffing and puffing....that's what has always slowed me down in the past. Did you know you have to be able to breath to hike!! lol Anyway, we get there and before we start the hike I again apologize and warn him that we may have to stop if I can't breath. He kept telling me I was ok and that he didn't mind. Well guess what?? I did so good!!!! I have never been able to talk and hike...dah because you have to breath to talk but this time was different, we were able to talk the ENTIRE time. It was so amazing, I haven't been able to stop smiling all day. I know it wasn't a difficult hike and I already told him that he needs to find us one a little harder for next time. Did you hear that?!? Next time?!? Yes, I will be hiking A LOT more. And the best news is...my back DIDN'T and ISN'T hurting!! I can't even explain how good today has felt. I know it was just a hike but it is more to me. It's a glimpse of what life is going to be like when my weight doesn't hold me back.