TWO WEEKS PAIN FREE!!!

     I had a LOT of doubts that it would happen but it has been 2 weeks and I have had zero pain!! I tried my best not to get too excited and take it one day at a time but I can't hold in my excitement any longer! It felt like it took forever and being stubborn did not help. I finally had to quit being me and just listen to what my Dr and AJ were telling me. Boy oh boy am I glad I did. Not being in pain mixed with my added confidence has made these last couple weeks some of the best I've had in a long time! 

Roller Coaster Anyone?

      I have always loved roller coasters and even got excited about going on one after I started losing weight but right now every day feels like a roller coaster and I just want off...
   
    Up until now I have used my blog to only document the GOOD or HAPPY moments I've had the last three months but I haven't really be honest or true to myself. I don't know who I was kidding when I thought that losing half my body weight was going to be easy. I felt it would be like school....you go to class, take notes, study and take a test. Piece of cake right?!? Not so much, there is so much that I can't control that I find myself using the word "Frustrated" almost daily. I honestly hate the word and cringe when I say it now....yes I still use it and one day I will be creative and come up with something different but right now that is all I've got. 
      I have been overweight and unhappy all my life. I'm really good at hiding it and have always been complimented on how happy I am and what a great smile I have but on the inside I am the most inadequate person you will meet. I have terrible anxiety and the idea of meeting new people, "skinny people" can send me into a panic attack. I have stressed and struggled with ulcers since I was 17 and a junior in high school so you would think I would have done something to change it instead of waiting 10 years but quite frankly I am stubborn as hell and apparently like to take the hard road. After finishing nursing school I decided that if I could endure that then I could definitely lose weight and be skinny. News flash the idea looked a lot better in my head. I'm not trying to say that its impossible I'm just saying that I am hitting major road blocks and some days its hard to know where to go or what to do next. 
     When I started I was told that I needed to change my diet and honestly that was the easiest thing. I live the Paleo lifestyle and I'm happy and believe in it. I also knew that I would be working out and that excited me. I believe I've always been a skinny girl at heart because I love being active. I was ecstatic to learn that there would be ways to teach and train my body to do a real pull up at some point. I was excited to be able to run....I knew it was going to be hard but I knew that I could do it. I believed in myself, that I was strong enough and wanted it bad enough that I would do it. I'm not a quitter so I was not going to sign up for something and be a fool. I however was not prepared to hear that I have a back condition that was going to not only take up time but be physically painful. As my Dr pointed out today I am better then I was when I walked in his door 2 months ago but I am nowhere near where I want to be and it is a constant battle. I try to set goals and I feel myself fighting with my full heart and with everything that I have and I just can't seem to reach them. Some days I hear the word "GOAL" and it makes my stomach ache because I already feel like a failure. I wanted to lose 70+ pounds in 90 days and that didn't happen. I didn't even come close and no matter what I say to myself I can't seem to make myself ok with it. I wanted it so badly and I know there was more I needed to do, it was just things I was incapable of doing at the time. I struggle everyday, the question when I wake up is, "Are you in pain? If the answer is yes I will have an internal struggle about how much pain I'm in. Is it enough that i can still work out? Is it noticeable? How far can I push it before I'm out for a week because I'm hurting even worse? When I wake up and I'm not in pain, I go crazy and fit in all the exercising I can because I don't know what the next day will bring. Right now my Dr is stumped and doesn't know what to do. I am so grateful for him and his honestly and that he has my best interest at heart but that is not news you want to hear when you are in pain. I have so much respect for him in seeking a second opinion to as why my back keeps relapsing and why we can't get more than a couple good days before the next couple bad. I cried when I got the news, I cried when I called AJ and I am crying now....shocker. PS I DON'T LIKE TO CRY. If I had more time I would google how to dry my tears!!!!!
     My focus almost 100% of the time is on losing this weight. I have never been a "role model", "hero" or someone that people looked up to. I was always just Brandi, the girl who most the time gets walked all over because she has no guts to say no and wanted everyone to like her. It is crazy to me that people would look up to me or that my story would help someone. I know what I am doing is difficult but for the most part I still feel a lot of anger at myself for becoming this person so why would someone think that a girl who allowed herself to get to 300+ pounds is amazing? Although I am losing this weight for me, I feel like I don't want to let anyone down. 59 pounds is a lot of weight but I promised my coach I could lose more and that I would lose more. I know failure is good because it means I tried something but I would much rather win. I am a sore LOSER and hate being a disappointment.
    I guess what I'm trying to say is I really appreciate all the love and support I've received. Slowly and surely I'm starting to feel like somebody and its kinda hard when you haven't always felt that way. I promise I will NOT quit, I will see this thing through but I'm going to need to let go and be ok with the trials that are thrown my way. I don't know how or when that will happen but I will keep you posted.   


   

My 3ish Month Weigh In

     I am down 59 lbs and so totally ecstatic!! The best part is I am officially no longer in the 300lb category and it feels amazing. I have another 3 months before my next weigh in and I am going to stay strong and keep fighting. There is a skinny girl in here and she is ready to come out!

So Delicious!!!

   Today was a long day and I didn't get off work till 7:30, the last thing I wanted to do was go home and cook dinner but I am so glad I did!! I don't remember the last time I made a hamburger but for some reason that's what I wanted. I literally just threw some things together and this is what I came up with. You should totally try it!!!

(This photo does not do it justice!!) 

 1/2 onion
1 Roma tomato
8 diced white button mushrooms
1 clove garlic
Salt and Pepper
1 egg
Lettuce
Coconut oil
1/2 lb hamburger

 I sauteed the onion, tomato, mushrooms, garlic in coconut oil and seasoned lightly with salt and pepper. I let it cool a bit then added it to the uncooked hamburger meat. I formed them into (3) hamburgers and on the grill pan they went. I used lettuce as my bun and topped the burger with an egg over medium. SO DANG TASTY!!!!

Hieroglyphic Canyon

   I am on this journey to lose weight and with that I am going to be able to do things I've always wanted to do. One of them is HIKE!! Do you know how ridiculously hard it is to hike when you are overweight? I have been on hikes in the past and I always had a good time and I would always make it to the end but I would be behind everyone and the last one to finish. I was always proud of myself for finishing but it would kill me inside and felt like I held everyone back. Today I went on an early morning hike with my friend from work. He loves to hike and all week I warned him how bad I was. I knew the hike was pretty easy and that I'd be able to do it, I was just worried about my huffing and puffing....that's what has always slowed me down in the past. Did you know you have to be able to breath to hike!! lol Anyway, we get there and before we start the hike I again apologize and warn him that we may have to stop if I can't breath. He kept telling me I was ok and that he didn't mind. Well guess what?? I did so good!!!! I have never been able to talk and hike...dah because you have to breath to talk but this time was different, we were able to talk the ENTIRE time. It was so amazing, I haven't been able to stop smiling all day. I know it wasn't a difficult hike and I already told him that he needs to find us one a little harder for next time. Did you hear that?!? Next time?!? Yes, I will be hiking A LOT more. And the best news is...my back DIDN'T and ISN'T hurting!! I can't even explain how good today has felt. I know it was just a hike but it is more to me. It's a glimpse of what life is going to be like when my weight doesn't hold me back. 

"I'm Owning it!"

  Since I started crossfit at the end of May I have lost 34 inches!!! Can You tell I'm excited?!? I have been measuring myself every 4 weeks and I have to be honest I was quite terrified to measure on Monday. This month has felt like a roller coaster and I am pretty sure I was in pain and resting more than I exercised. Thank you Paleo for continuing to give me results!!!! 

I decided to post pictures of what I have accomplished so far. I feel like I don't even know the girl in these pictures! It's been a long rocky road but I finally believe in myself 100% and know that I will reach my goals!

This is me at my heaviest in Aug 2008, I seriously look like I ate something or someone!!! About a week after this photo was taken I found out my ex-husband wanted a divorce. Words can't describe what I went through. I was depressed and in a VERY unhealthy relationship. I am proud to say I got a personal trainer and spent a lot of time at the gym and lost 100lbs. Unfortunately, I got a social life and went to nursing school and gained back about 35 lbs.

Here I am very ticked that I gained back 35 lbs. I put this picture off too long. I wish I had taken it the day I left crossfit for the first time. I will be weighing in Sept which will be my 90 day mark from the last time I stepped on the scale. I weighted on 6/14/12 a few days after this picture was taken and I weighed 346 (I can't believe I am posting that!!!)

And here I am today! I definitely have a LONG road ahead of me but I am so PROUD of what I lost so far. Ladies and gentlemen I have a WAIST!!!!

"What is your #1 goal?"

     I have always been called stubborn and I was kinda proud of it. I felt like it pushed me through a lot of tough times when I may have rather quit. Today I realized that it may be my biggest obstacle in my journey to a better life. A week ago hands down I would have said that my biggest obstacle was my back. I've spent so much time in pain that I became frustrated and jealous of anyone and everyone at the gym that did or was capable of doing what I couldn't. It sounds retarded but it drove me to push myself in ways that weren't healthy. I would push through the pain just to look tough and all it did was left me walking around like a gimp for a few days. My coach AJ asked me today a question that changed my way of thinking. It was a simple question....  

                                                     "What is your #1 goal?" 

   With one question he was able to remind me why I came to him in the first place. It wasn't to compete and it wasn't to be a body builder. It was to lose weight and be healthy....the competition just ended up being a major plus! Right now I have decided that I need to focus on me instead of the WODS and what everyone else it doing. I said before that I was grateful to ROW but it got old and of course it just left me wanting more. Even though I have good days my back is not ready to be doing things I really want to be doing. Prior to our little conversation I participated in the WOD. It was in honor of a fallen soldier and I was wanting to do my best because of that. About 5-6 minutes in my back started to really hurt, it took all I had to listen to my body, I changed things up and was able to continue. I was in pain and noticed myself taking breaks and really mentally fighting about whether I should give up. In a way I did not want to give up on a fallen soldier. I felt so useless...I did all I could not to cry. I decided I needed to stop when there was 5 minutes left and I am proud of myself. It was one of the hardest things I've done so far. I stopped before I really ended up hurting myself and I didn't completely melt down. That for me was reward enough. Because I didn't finish the WOD I decided that I would row before I left. I was tired, frustrated but my back felt ok rowing. In my heart I rowed for that fallen soldier. I was in the room by myself and decided I would row 400m 5x with a 2 minute rest in between. I can't put into words how it felt. I wasn't doing it for AJ, I wasn't doing it for my brother in law Gentry and I wasn't doing it to prove that I am someone. I did it for me and that soldier. I rowed faster than I had rowed before and with such ease. In the entire time I sat at the rower I did not feel one bit of pain. I felt like I rowed away my insecurities. I was proud of who I am and what I am doing to change my life. No matter how I feel people look at me, I am not lazy, I am not an over eater and I am somebody. That doesn't mean that this year is going to be easy...I've lived 27 years being stubborn. I will not change overnight but I feel lucky and blessed to have so many people who care about me, they don't judge me but cheer for me.

It's Fixable...

     My biggest struggle so far with losing weight has been my back. I have cried so much in the last month out of frustration. I physically want to be pushing my body but my back just wouldn't allow it. I'd seen my chiropractor who basically told me to quit working out and that clearly was not an option. I tried all sorts of stretches to try to loosen my back but every time I started to feel better the pain would come back. 
     With much hesitation, I finally listened to my coach AJ when he asked me to try a new chiropractor. I called last Friday and had an appointment on Monday. It is a very well known fact that I am not a good patient. I was anxious and wanted answers but the answers I received were NOT what I was expecting. I sat down with Dr. P on Tuesday to review my X-rays, I walked in, glance at my x rays and again tears started streaming down my face. It was at that moment that I realized he was not going to tell me that the pain was in my head. I have hyperlordosis which is a curve in my spine....to me it sorta looks like my spine is pregnant. I've also created a curve in my neck which actually explains why I get headaches. Because of the curves I have degeneration in I think 2 discs in my lower back and slight degeneration of discs in my neck. Hearing the Dr and seeing my x rays devastated me. I had so many thoughts running through my mind. Many of which were related to my weight loss goals. I wanted to know how or when I could exercise. I needed to know what to do to prevent further degeneration. And more importantly I wanted to know how this happened. My answers....I was pleased to hear that I can still exercise and that I needed to focus on my core. I wasn't excited to hear that I would be a frequent visitor at my new chiropractors office. And there is no 100% accurate answer to how this happened.
      The shock has warn off and I am grateful that AJ pushed me to get answers. I'm grateful that I was in pain because pain isn't normal and should be checked out.  I still have my weight loss goals and they aren't changing. I will continue to eat healthy and exercise. No I can't do the WOD's (workout of the day) that the other Crossfit members are doing but I can work out. It kills me to walk into the gym and not be able to participate in the way that everyone else can but I decided that I will be strong and I will try my hardest not to be discouraged. I have said to a number of people that I "just" get to row or I "just" get to do sit ups and I am very disappointed with my attitude. Rowing 1000 meters, 1 min rest, 800 meters, 1 min rest, 600 meters, 1 min rest, 400 meters is not easy. It is tiring and it is a work out!! I've decided for now I will be one heck of a dedicated Rower!

"Do you go to a support group for over eaters?"

   I was asked this question about a week ago. It didn't offend me because I know the person who asked wasn't intentionally trying to hurt my feelings. I've dieted all my life with little to no success, I'm no stranger to working out and have had a gym membership for most of my adult life but yes I am overweight. It's not an easy thing to admit. There is no easy answer to how or why I'm overweight. It almost feels like I just woke up one morning, looked in the mirror and all I saw was a stranger. She resembled me but she didn't smile as often, she was self conscious and couldn't find anything she liked about herself. I decided then that I will not be that girl, I will like and be proud of who I am...it's not going to be easy but I'm not a quitter.
   With much help from my sister Brittany I was introduced to Crossfit Mesa and can I tell you it was an answer to my prayers. I knew I had what it took to change I just didn't know what to do. I have now been working out for about a month and a half. I've also changed they way I eat...No, I am not dieting and I don't count calories. Surprisingly, changing what I was eating wasn't difficult. I now eat lots of fresh fruits and vegetables, protein and nuts. I like to talk about what I can eat verses what I can't! lol. Yes, I have cravings for a cupcake, candy and for some reason chex mix but I like the way I feel not eating them. I have energy, a clear mind, less headaches, I actually fall asleep without tossing/turning and I wake up feeling rested, oh and most importantly my face is super clear now, no more high school break outs!
   I'm going to start using my blog as a journal, losing weight isn't all physical, it quite emotional. I have inner "demons" that I struggle with and I want my blog to be my reminder of how strong I really am.