'You are out of my sight, but you will never be out of my heart, I may not see your face, but I will always remember your smile, I will never hear your voice again but you will forever whisper in my ear, I never got to say goodbye to you, or tell you how much you really meant to me, one day we will meet at heavens gate and I will be witj you again and this time it will be forever' - Rashida Rowe

I really want to make a keepsake of some sort for dad and working the photobook and sorting though all those photos of you and us, is so emotionally draining. I can't help but cry every time, and at the risk of going to work with swollen eyes, I can only work on it during the weekends.

It's so painful and it still hurts so much.

Confronting my 2 selves

Woke up from a dream which left my heart beating rapidly. It was some sort of confrontation or an argument of a sort, I can't quite remember.

Oddly enough, in the dreams, where I insist I was right, my dad and aunts defended me words.

A random google on confrontational dreams says:

'Dreams about confrontation could have many different meanings, depending on who is confronting whom, the context of the confrontation and all the other elements of the dream. Frequently, dreams about confrontation relate to a division between different aspects of the dreamer's self. For example, the responsible part of the dreamer might want to remain in a boring but well-paying job while the adventuresome part of the dreamer wants to quit and have adventures.'

i miss you like crazy

this song came up while I was driving and it makes me cry because

i miss you like crazy, i miss you like crazy
ever since you went away, every hour of every day

miss you like crazy - natalie cole

the one thing i truly want right now

I am reminded of the promise I made to you through song lyrics of a favourite group of mine.

I will seek out your voice again even when I'm reborn

More than anyone, I'm here by your side,
The fate that let us meet won't be severed,
Even if we're born again.

If there is reincarnation, I want you to be my mother once again.

mother/father - kat-tun

My grief haunts me so

I'm never good with words, both written or spoken, but there is no one else I can consult of matters, the way I'e always done it with you. I miss you so so much. And it hurts so bad.

I still cry, at nights when I'm suppose to be asleep for work tomorrow. This is also why I've been abstaining from contacts, because it's a bitch to wear them over swollen eyes the next day. I hate crying in public, and crying in front of dad will worry him even more. He's trying so so hard, and I don't know how he does it, and sometimes I worry that he's holding back things from us as well.

How do you comfort your father who lost both his wife and mother.

He's made me go through your cupboard of clothes, to keep the ones I want so that he can donate the rest, and the minute I stare at your clothes and remember all the times you've worn them, I broke down. I cried so much that day that my ribs hurt and I was exhausted. Dad tells me it will be easier to move if there is less of your things around to remind us everytime we see it. That it will not be easy, but he will be here with us.

I've started a new job, remember when  I was telling you that I was thinking it's about time to do so, before I  regret giving away years of my life to a company who doesn't seem to appreciate it and take the opportunity to learn new things. Well, I managed to get one near home. So near, you'd probably have a laugh with me if you were still here.

I dunno how I managed to go through interviews just days and weeks after you were gone, but I know that you are watching over me and will be with me every step of the way. Even going back to work felt like a lifeless dream. I spend my days so busy working that it is only at nights and weekends that I truly have time to reflect how much I miss you.

And when my new colleagues talk about how much their mothers looked after them while
e they were getting married, pregnant, and during confinement, I think about how you will not be around to help me go through all those important milestones of my life. It's not their fault, I have not told any one, besides one of them was going through her first pregnancy, it would be horrid of me to spoil their discussions. But I think and I wonder, if I will ever find the strength to walk through all those without you and how if would have been if you were still around.

Maybe it's odd, but the thought that you're not there alone because grandmother is with you now, somehow gives me a sense of calm. I told her to tell you how much we miss you back here and that you will also be there at the end of the tunnel to receive her. Grandmother has suffered so much being bedridden for the past 4 years.

There is nothing worse that watching someone you love suffer through so much pain and not being able to help them in any way. The way I watched and saw the amount of medication and blood that was pumped into your unconscious body that fateful day, and learning from the doctor that even if you do wake up, there is no knowing how much brain damage you had suffered. It is then I know the only one last thing we can do for you, is to let you go.

But it haunts me, It haunts me up to today. Thinking if we'd given up on you or if you will ever forgive us for letting you go. Was it the right thing to do to sign a do not revive form.

You never woke up from being unconscious the entire day but I hope, I hope you know we were beside you all the way and that you heard, all the things we told you that day. I promised to be with you until the end, because that is the last thing I can do for you.