Pressing on…

Outta here!  No more!  Never again!

Over the past few weeks, I have measured my progress daily.  I write down everything I eat, as well as my weight, my symptoms, supplements, etc…  Most people can probably accomplish this and thrive.  But not me.  I have a REAL problem with my scale.

I think about it when I wake up and weigh right away.  I weigh a little later before getting in the shower.  I weigh after exercising.  I weigh before going to bed.  Repeat daily.  Excessively.

My measure of success has become what the scale says.

NO MORE!

From here on out, I will keep eating vigilantly.  I will consume no animal products, gluten, corn, oils, or extra salt. I will continue to fall in love with veggies and new ways to prepare them.  I will keep trying combos of foods that go well together and include all sorts of colors and textures.  I will focus on healing my body.  If I lose weight, great.  My pants will let me know.  Same with gaining.  If that happens or I stay right where I am, I will rethink this whole thing and try a new strategy.  I SHOULD lose weight based on my diet.  But I am not going to be able to measure that with a number.

I realized it was unhealthy when I went to eat some fresh mango for a snack but stopped myself b/c my weight was up a pound from the day before.  NOT because I wasn’t really hungry and didn’t need it.  No.  I was hungry!  Simply because of that dang scale.  I would honestly tell everyone my weight right here and now.  It is not something I hide or am ashamed of.  It is what it is.  I am not competitive with others.  I don’t care what you weigh!  But I am intrinsically motivated to a fault.  I push myself beyond where I should and mentally punish myself when I don’t live up.

NO MORE. I am eating plant based, vegan, nutritarian…whatever you want to call it…because I want my body to heal from this disease and I want to reverse damage that has been done.  And I want to be ALL here for my husband and children.  They deserve it!

Tags: Lupus, Vegan

If you ask me how I feel, it will REALLY depend on the moment.  I am having moments of feeling almost normal. They are few and far between, but they are there.  And that gives me hope.

Today, I am totally wiped out.  Have felt feverish all afternoon and am having return of some symptoms.  Still eating everything I am being told to (except dang watercress b/c I can’t find it!!!).  I am absolutely adjusting to life with less salt.  And oil. And no wine or even *gasp* chocolate!!!!

I am actually quite surprised about the oil.  I always figured I needed those calories as a vegan. WRONG.  And I am finding I quite like vegetables just as they are.  Steamed veggies.  Something I gave up years ago to the much better tasting roasted veggies! Whodah thunk?

I have been living this life for 6 weeks (the no oil or salt for just one).  It is doable.  Now, lets just see these symptoms start to go away.  This is a long, slow process.  I lost a few lbs that have somehow come back. I am really hoping it is just water weight that will slip back off.  It is virtually impossible to eat like this and gain weight.  Or at least it BETTER be!!!!

Thanks for taking this journey with me! (and Dana…thanks for the amazing vegan meal tonight!  And Gretchen…what would I do without you and your food?)

Tags: Lupus, Vegan

I so want to come on here and report good news!  I am an optimistic person!

But this…this has broken me.  Already in a flare, already vegan, now off all but one med (that last one will take weeks).

Depression is in full force.  I have not cried this much in years.  I cry easily and often.  I am so sad.  And not one of those put on your big girl panties and deal with it kinds of sad, either.  But the kind where you just want to go away.  Besides crying all night last night, I cried IN MY DREAMS and then awoke with tears that fell until after lunch.  I had a few breaks in there, of course.

I am gonna be REALLY honest here.  This is not a place to sugar coat anything.  I have been depressed before to the point of it being very scary.  I was convinced that everyone around me would be better off if I was gone.  I just wanted to somehow be swallowed by the ground and let everyone go on without me.  And not a passing feeling that we can all get when we are down.  But I was REALLY convinced my family would be better if I were gone.  These are ugly, scary thoughts.

Here is what has pushed me over the edge……  Eating vegan is not enough for this protocol. I am allowed: zero oil, zero salt, zero sugar, zero alcohol, zero guten, and of course zero animal products, including dairy and eggs. Ever.

And the biggest kicker is that my weight seems to be the main focus.  I am supposed to lose at least 20 lbs.  Ideal would be to lose 29.  I have fought so hard over this past year to “get over” my weight.  To focus on being healthy and eating nourishing foods.  And NOT on the scale.  And here I am back at the place of weighing.

I am hardly getting out of bed.  I am working out hard when I do get out of bed or I am cooking.  I am actively trying to eat the right foods.  And I am depressed.  And I would love for an evening to sit and have a glass of wine with Lucky or enjoy some dark chocolate once in a while.

We have some decisions to make as far as meds go.  Do I wait out this rebounding period where depression gets worse before it gets better?  And have the chance of being med free??  Or do I stop the madness now and start taking my Lexapro again?

When everything is stripped away.  And I am alone with myself.  And I have no comfort from food and an identity that has changed.  Where is my hope?  Where is my joy?  Where is my strength?  It is in Christ alone.  I feel utterly broken today.  Hopeless that I can do this.  But I can do ALL things through Christ, who strengthens me.  He is real and he is here and I am desperate for him.  He will give us wisdom.  Always has, always will.  Today I am so grateful of this reminder and being in this place.  I start home school in 2 weeks!  We need to get me together!! My kids need me.  Lucky needs me.  My friends need me.  I write that not because I am arrogant.  But as a reminder that I AM needed and wanted.  My laying on the couch for a year and being “that sick person” has taught me that my friends don’t want meals and food (though they never complained!), they want my friendship.  I WON’T slip back there.

This is the air the breathe……

Tags: Lupus, Vegan

I don’t want to eat vegan.

I don’t want to have to sit for hours figuring out what I can eat and what my family can eat that compliments that, while allowing for some meat and dairy for them.

I don’t want to do this forever.

I want to be in the sun….SO BADLY.  I just look out the windows all day long and remember what it feels like to have sunshine hit my skin.  I miss that so much it makes me cry.

I don’t want all of the foods I love taken away forever.

I don’t want to gag down (literally) my breakfast.  And gag my vitamins back up.

I don’t want to be on the couch or in bed while everyone else gets to be busy with life and tell me how lucky I am to get to rest all of the time.

I do want to be honest and not act like this is all fun and that I love eating vegan.  This is a choice.  A tough one.  I don’t want to wonder years down the road if I could have felt better by going natural. So today I am ticked off.  I will get over it.  I am also still ridding my body of my antidepressant, which makes me a wee bit sad and moody 🙂

Tags: Lupus, Vegan