Dreams really do come true

It has been a long time since I have posted and long overdue. Last time I wrote about my infertility issues and that we had a battle plan well this is how things went.

Shortly after my diagnosis, my husband deployed for 6 months. Instead of waiting even longer to start a family we decided to try IUI ( inter uterine insemination). We tried this three times without success. Before this however we had to get my hormones regulated, which the upside to that was weight loss! A common side effect of PCOS is being overweight and difficulty losing weight (yayyyy). Once my hormones were regulated we started IUI. After 3 failed attempts and heartbreak at every negative result. Constant appointments, pills and stress. It was time for hubby to come home! The way things worked out he came home on a Saturday and Monday I had my mid cycle scan ( internal ultrasound to see if I had any eggs ready). Well long story short I got pregnant! Finally it happened! The day I took the test I placed it on the counter and walked away to wait, my hubby wanted to be there and look together. (I totally cheated and looked ) Was that a faint line? I waited a little longer and it got a little darker...Am I really pregnant? I held it up to the light because I still wasn't entirely sure and there was definitely 2 lines!! Holy cow! I didn't want to get too excited yet so I called the doctors office to schedule my blood test and that confirmed it too! Then of course the ultrasound with Infertility where we got to listen to that sweet heartbeat. After 2 full years of trying I was finally pregnant. I was worried because there could be a lot of complications but I tried to just take things one day at a time. 

The first trimester was rough and I pretty much spent the entire time laying on the couch with both exhaustion and nausea. Once I hit that 2nd trimester though I stopped feeling sick, but i remained exhausted the entire pregnancy. Then at 330 am August 7, 2015 I felt my first contraction and things picked up from there. by 4:22 pm my baby girl was born and things have not slowed down since. I love my little girl and every day seems like a dream. She is 5 months old now and I STILL cant believe she is mine. My dream finally came true.

Nervous

First off I want to say THANK YOU too everyone who read my blog and messaged me or commented and left me sweet notes. I greatly appreciate it and am so grateful for the support given. 

So, I am definitely a little nervous about doing the fertility treatments..I am not scared about them failing or even them working..well okay I am scared that it will work and then I will miscarry again. That is not something I would choose to go through again and especially not now. I AM ready to stop this waiting and get started on the process. That has been the worst thing for me is waiting. Those who know me know that I am not a very patient person, I have been working on it...but I still am not very patient. ;)

Opening up about my infertility problems definitely was one of the scarier things I have done in my life. Its very exposing of my personal life, but I just felt strongly that I shouldn't hide it. Its crazy how much I have learned about myself in the last few years and how I have grown. I feel like the Lord has me going through this trial so that when I become a mother I will have a greater understanding and gratitude for the privilege I will hopefully have one way or another. I feel like I had to make some changes in my life first to be the mother I need to be for my children, I could be wrong but hey its just my opinion.  :) 

This blog will be an honest one and one where I share my thoughts and opinions...it may be read or it may not be. Who knows what will become of it! I just love to write and share my life.

Infertility and why its not a dirty word

So, without going into a ton of details my husband and I have fertility issues. When I first found out I wasn't sure I wanted to share my story, but the more research I have done the more I have wanted to share it. So many woman (and men) are ashamed of this word and the fact that they have trouble getting pregnant, carrying, etc. But honestly it is NOT something to be ashamed of, it is a part of life and though unbelievably hard it is something that needs to be talked about not shushed.

 After a year and a half of trying, one miscarriage and months of irregular periods I went to my regular doctor. Instead of sending me to a fertility specialist she put me on birth control, basically brushing my problem of over a year under the rug. I knew my problem was lack of ovulation and putting me on something that prevented that was NOT the solution, just a "quick fix". After 4 month of that roller coaster...and trust me it was a roller coaster of crazy!! I went back to my doctor and told her that I wanted to see a specialist and what do you know I actually got answers! 

After the first meeting with my new doctor (love her!) I knew that things were going to get done. Immediately she already had her suspicions but I was soon given Provera to induce a period then sent to get 11 vials of blood drawn the very next week. After many tests and blood draws I was given my diagnosis. 

I had a Prolactinoma, this is a small benign tumor on my Pituitary gland...so basically it screws up my hormone levels and causes it to be difficult to conceive. I was put on a medication that lowers those levels (specifically the hormone Prolactin) and i have monthly blood tests to monitor those levels. I also have an appointment with a specialist to fully investigate and put me on whatever medications I need to be on...

On top of this diagnosis I also have Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). This is one of the more common infertility issues, this one causes the ovaries to grow cysts and not ovulate. So BAM I have two issues that cause infertility, but I have my answer and a battle plan. After my appointment with the specialist and hopefully a green light I get to start fertility treatments and will be doing IUI (Inter uterine Insemination) which is where they directly inject hubby's sperm in my uterus on day of ovulation. Giving me a slightly higher percent chance of getting pregnant. 

Since my miscarriage a year and a half ago it has been a rocky road full of emotions. I have felt the grief of losing that baby often, I have felt bitterness towards those friends announcing their pregnancies time and time again, sorrow that I am not a mother yet and joy as well for those friends lucky enough to be called Mommy. Now I have answers and I feel hope for the future.

So, I don't know who reads this but if you are struggling with infertility know that you are NOT alone and that there are others who may not understand exactly how you feel but they do understand the roller coaster of infertility. 

Mothers who have children already, be sensitive to those who don't yet...you never know their story. I have heard countless times the following:

Just RELAX

Oh, you are young it will happen soon!

You are so lucky you don't have any kids to go home to!!

Be thankful that you don't have any kids yet, they suck the life out of you.

Oh Man Pregnancy was rough..(lists all the downsides)

So when are you going to have kids?!

you are so lucky you can sleep in and have free time.

Ladies, I would trade my quiet house, 8 hours of sleep, and free time in a HEARTBEAT for the chaos of children. So please, remember this before you speak...Mommies, be grateful everyday for those full arms for their are many that feel that emptiness daily and know that we love you, some days just hurt.

Some days are harder than others.

Anyone who knows me knows that I love children and find great joy being with little ones...but there are days when the pain is so sharp I just can't be around those same little ones...

Mothers Day this year was particularly rough this year, with the new knowledge of my diagnosis, it hit me hard that I my arms were still empty.

I am not sure where I will go with this blog so bear with me as I figure it out, but I promise I will do better about writing. Stay tuned for the next post about Adoption!

It truly is a Hard Knock Life...

Out Loud Wishing

I work with children

I get to spend 12 hours a week 

snuggling, 

wiping noses,

 being stern,

having my heart melt, 

and loving every exhausting moment.

But at the end of the day...

I want my own.

I want to snuggle my own child, 

wipe their noses....etc

laugh,

have my heart melt, 

cry, 

get no sleep,

but most of all snuggle

my own little one.

I know I am only 22

I know I have SO much time

I know it will happen when it happens

Honestly, I know all this...and I am told it every time I make my wish out loud

I know it will be hard

I know there will be good days

and bad days.

But I want to know all this with my own experience.

I've been having issues...

and for reasons I am on BC...

I get to go to the doctors next week and figure it out.

It isn't what I imagined...

Every time I turn around it seems another friend is 

 finding out they are pregnant

finding out the gender

having the baby.

I am happy for them, but sometimes it just hurts.

I see their (adorable) bundle of joy and sometimes I just want to cry...it hurts.

I wish that seeing a blow out

or changing a NASTY diaper

or seeing a temper tantrum

would deter that urge, desire, maternal instinct, etc.

but honestly it doesn't.

Tonight, I am not okay.

Tonight, I ache for that sweet baby of my own.

Tonight I long for the day.

Tomorrow....

I will be okay.

But tonight I just want my baby.

One Wish

If you were given ONE wish, what would it be?

Mine? Thats easy, I would wish for my husband to be home more.

I am a Military Wife and people tell me all the time how strong I am and how they could never do what I do on a daily basis.

Maybe in ways I am strong, but it is the hardest thing in the world to go to sleep all alone and continually wake up alone. The times when he is home it is like a dream and always too short. To constantly be reminded that my other half is missing; well, some days it just plain sucks.

If I had ONE wish...it would be to have him come home every night

 (for the most part, I am okay with those short trips, he can be such a pill ;), but I love him with all my heart)
Now, why would this be my wish? 

It would be to get that hug when I am sad or scared. 

To be held, when I just need to be held. 

It would be so we could have a family sooner rather than later. 

(planning around that schedule...impossible. )

It would be to have his companionship, to have my best friend to talk to.

(Communication isn't the same when he is away)

It would be to make me laugh when I need it, to fish, to hang out with friends and go dancing without feeling like a large part of me is missing.

Its for never having to do a deployment, those are horrible.

It would be to train that annoying dog I just HAD to have...and now sometimes regret.

It would be to breath loudly at night and sometimes snore so that I wouldn't have that constant quiet.

It would be to go on vacation somewhere amazing and not just to see family..it would be a memory for just us.

It would be to have help around the house, to not be the only one so very often.

It would be for date nights every week.

It would be so that he could be there for the moments.

It would to have him home for our Anniversary, birthdays, holidays.

It is the hardest thing being a Military Wife 

Sometimes it seems absolutely crazy.

But it is worth every second of it.

It is worth the long separations for that sweet home coming kiss.

It is worth the lonely nights so that I can appreciate those nights where he won't leave me alone.

It is worth the heavy load of responsibility so that when he is home I can be thankful for all he does.

It is worth the heartache of not being a mom yet, because I know that when it happens...it will be at the perfect moment...it will be worth the wait.

It is worth the random texts and sparse conversation...because when it happens it makes my day.

It is worth that annoying dog.

It is worth the feeling of a missing piece, because he fills it and then some.

It is worth only one date night because it makes it that much more important.

It is worth the missed events, because he always finds a way to make it extra special.

It is worth no vacations because he is at least home.
Each moment is more special, time more precious, and the gratitude stronger.

It is worth every lonely minute, because HE is worth it. 

He makes me laugh, smile, cry, and sing.

He makes my world.

Yes, I hate it.

But I love him.

I am proud that he serves our Country, that he sacrifices so much to do something he loves.

I am proud of him.

That may be my one wish, but I know that one day...in the distant future maybe..I will get my wish. 

It will be amazing...but he will probably drive me crazy. ;)

Temporary Home

Little boy, 6 years old
A little too used to bein' alone.
Another new mom and dad, another school,
Another house that'll never be home.
When people ask him how he likes this place...
He looks up and says, with a smile upon his face,

"This is my temporary home
It's not where I belong.
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through.
This is just a stop, on the way to where I'm going.
I'm not afraid because I know this is my
Temporary Home."

 

As long as I can remember I have wanted to work with children and to make a difference in their lives, be that person they remember years down the road. I want to make a difference.

 

My MIL fosters at risk youth and absolutely loves it, she makes a difference in their lives and shows them that life can be different, that they can have a happy life. I think it is amazing and she has been my inspiration. The more I research, the more I fall in love with the prospect of fostering children.

 

I want to take that little 6 year old boy and show him a happy and loving home. Open my arms and heart to a little child and offer them a happy life for as long as I can. I feel like this is a path that the Lord wants me to take, a path that there is a reason for me to go down...maybe there is a child in need and my husband and I are the ones that will help them.

 

Should we be approved and can go ahead this blog will become a documentation of the Journey. Since I have been researching it there really isn't all that much out there. If anyone has any advice feel free to comment :)

Work of Salvation

 Elder Luvell, what a goofy missionary!

 The two English and the two Spanish Elders in my ward being GOOFY

 In their PDay gettup about to go fishin'

These guys have been the best 4 in the field, we have LOVED having them in our ward and will be SOO sad to see them go!! We love you guys!!