Got Wisdom?

Recent thoughts and reflections have led me in discussions with great friends and family to the following resources which I feel have deepened my own personal wisdom.  In fact, it was in the conversation of asking how do I understand _____ better that answers from others have guided my own thoughts.  Perhaps I will have time in the near future to articulate all the thoughts, but for the time being, I find it wise to pass on the following:

The Journey by Brandon Bays
- recommended to me by my sister Jill. I have read through this book in three days very intrigued and embracing a whole new way to look at the connection of self, soul, and physicality.  Bays espouses a new version of healing in the mind-body healing process that resounds with my own philosophy that therapy is not just to bring up old issues, but to resolve them, learn from them and grow into a better sense of self.  She quotes the following from Marianne Wiliamson's book A Return to Love, which I read to Josh and he surprisedly said he had heard it, actually used it as a quote during his mission, cited wrongfully as from Nelson Mandella.  Williamson's book is on my 'to read' list:
     "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a child of God.  Your playing small doesn't serve the world.  THere's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you.  We are meant to shine, as children do.  We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.  It's not just in some of us: it's in everyone.  And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
[side note: this quote is also found in the pinnacle moment of the movie Coach Carter with the omission of reference to God.  The movie is also on my to watch list; Josh had already seen it and says it is similar to "Stand and Deliver," one of my favorite genre of movies.  "Freedom Writers"is in that class, which I also recommend.]

Creating Innovators: The Making of Young People Who WIll Change the World by Tony Wagner
- Just recently published in 2012 as a report on the most innovative young Americans and where they came from.  Wagner studied kids and then went backwards through their history to figure out the commonalities.  He then boils down the threads to Play, Passion, and Purpose.  I love his repetitive triumverant of P.  His study also critiques modern education and suggests solutions and changes.  I have read the book for the purposes of guiding our own purpose in educating our children at home and through life.  It gives me hope for the future and for my children and faith in the greatness in each of us.

Teaching of the Presidents of the Church: Lorenzo Snow
-soon to be given to all adults in the LDS Church as the curriculum for auxiliory lessons, the next in succession of teachings of the Presidents.  My awesome friend Kristen, who will be teaching from this text, thus having taken an early sneak peak got me hooked right away.  Chapter 1 "Learning by Faith' is such a fantastic introduction to what promises to be a full year of learning from a fantastic learner.  His personal history is fascinating.  This from the first chapter struck me : A little spiritual knowledge is a great deal better than mere opinions and notions and ideas, or even very elaborate arguments; a little spiritual knowledge is very important and of the highest consideration.  Go to the LDS Church on Sunday and you can get a free copy to read, or you can peruse it online at http://www.lds.org/manual/teachings-of-presidents-of-the-church-lorenzo-snow?lang=eng

And for the shorter read: 
Reverence for God Is the Beginning of Wisdom by Elder Neil L. Anderson, Ensign Jan 2013
-Before becoming an apostle, Elder Anderson was an astute buisnessman.  His professional experience exudes in this article through his awareness of current trends and economic positions.  Happily for me, he is also a literary man and quotes T.S. Eliot along with Paul and Nephi.  With the specific word 'wisdom' in my personal pursuits I really appreciated Elder Anderson's definition of Godly wisdom, and wordly wisdom in both positive and negative connotations.  For me, the article is summarized in the following: Seek after this wisdom—be reflective, observe carefully, think about what you experience in life.  This article in conjunction with Bays' book clarified a lot for me personally regarding individual understanding and personal growth.

Amazing how much I can read and assimilate while still coming off of the research paper mode and having now assigned readings for a full month!  An inquisitive mind is such a gifts.  As are the silent moments of doing dishes in which all the glorious connections of thought and learning are melded into a personal wisdom and understanding.  

The Next Best Day on the List of our Lives

Saturday December 15th was the next day on the list of the best days of our lives.  Number one on the list was the day that Josh and I were married and sealed in the Idaho Falls temple.  Being married is great, being sealed is awesome.  So it is no question that the day that we had our daughter Viv sealed to us in the Chicago temple is the second day on that list.  

I have been pondering a lot on why that day was so significant; why it made the adoption day seem as only a stepping stone.  It comes down to my core belief, that I share with my eternal companion and we are teaching to our kids: this life is not the point of living.  We do not just wake up in the morning to live one more day and then another with whatever ambition suits us for the time.  We are here on Earth to become the best versions of ourselves so that we can return to a perfect place with the Ones we love dearest: Our Father, Our Savior and Brother Jesus Christ, and our Eternal Families.  

I believe that each person on this earth not only has a destiny to become great, but a purpose in doing so each day.  The best possible way I have learned to reach that potential is in families.  I love the family I came from so dearly.  My parents taught me righteousness and hard work.  My siblings taught me compassion and deep love.  When I met Josh I learned about commitment and willingness to change, and wanted to add him to that circle of amazing people I want to be with for forever.  So Josh and I chose to be sealed in the Temple of our Lord, in the way we know best on this earth to make a commitment to each other that will be honored by God.  That moment in which we made promises to each other and were promised greater blessings from on High started a pattern of life for us that we have continued in.

That life now involves three amazing little people with giant souls.  If I hadn't had a sure knowledge that people came from another sphere before this life before I had children, it has become extremely apparent after.  I know that all the goodness and brilliance that my children have did not come from me.  Sure, we are nurturing the best we know and teaching all the good I can; yet still, Faith, Danny and Viv are so much wiser than I could ever believe I created.  Parenting throws the purpose of life into a whole new belief bracket.  As we get into adult life we begin to learn from "the school of hard knocks." Choosing to become a parent enrolls you into "the school of sweet lessons."  It is still work daily, but it is the sweet lessons of life that come through the purity of innocent eyes and brilliant minds untainted by skepticism or sarcasm.  Kids are amazing.

The more I have gotten to know each of my kids, the more excited I have been to think that having been sealed to Josh on our wedding day ensured that I could have the privilege of being with my kids forever too.  They were already linked through blood, Faith and Danny, and I never worried about their qualification for heaven.  I kept working on my own qualifications for sure so I would be as good as they, who are comfortable in the presence of angels.  So even more true was the feelings I had for Viv. 

The more I have gotten to know Viv, the amazing valiant fighter that she is, the more I was scared spit-less that I wouldn't have her with our family forever.  It sounds a bit like a crazy lady - but my worst fear that haunted me from the day that Viv was legally severed from her biological mother to the day we were sealed was that Viv would die an orphan and her soul would be floating around in heaven, socializing with everyone no doubt, but nevertheless unconnected and lonely.  I am sure she would be wrapped in Jesus's arms, and I believe that all gets sorted out perfectly on the other side, yet in my worst dream I saw her floating away from me in space with a sad look in her eyes that pleaded "Mama, don't you want me?" It gripped my heart daily.  As the adoption process looked like it would get hung up on dumb details of payment this-or-that I nearly clawed at anyone near me to get them to understand that none of that was important to me, I just wanted my daughter!  I couldn't face the image of her little lonely soul floating away into darkness.

Of course, in God's goodness and grace Viv did not die between February and December and I was given moments of peace that all would turn out right in the end.  I cannot say I was always faithful in the great turns of the universe getting paperwork done on time, but I plunged forward as much as possible, pushing and bullying to make sure I felt I had done my best.  Faith and a great deal of dog-faced work got us to a committed adoption date.  As the days neared and others were making plans to join us for the sealing, my fears did increase and I held Viv a little closer.  Half consciously I didn't take the kids out and about much the week before the adoption and sealing finalized.  

I set the date of the sealing as close to the adoption hearing date as I possibly could.  I wanted to be gracious of family members that would be traveling to celebrate the big day with us and so we arranged to go to a temple nearest to us and a major airport.  We spent half a day on Friday after the adoption getting ready to head to Chicago, then picked up Josh and headed for the city.  The main destinations for the weekend were the temple, Legoland, and dolphins.  In that order of importance.  Rain or shine, a child's expectations are a powerful force.  

Friday we headed straight to Legoland discovery center (thanks to our homeschool science lesson unit of "Mom, how do they make....." sponsored by YouTube in which we learned exclusively about legos for three days because the kids were fascinated)  and played until family flew in.  Saturday morning despite freezing rain we headed to the Brookfield zoo to make sure we saw a dolphin show (Danny has recently decided he will be a dolphin trainer) before getting to our appointed time for the sealing in the Chicago LDS Temple.  I was so grateful to have our righteous family surrounding us in that glorious place, reminding me of heaven and giving me a glimpse into the heaven I believe will come.  Both sets of grandparents were there: Dan and Michelle Button and J.D. and Ann Hancock, as well as my two sisters Brooke and Jill.  

Entering the temple as a family was a wondrous experience.  The kids make the monthly temple trips with Josh and I to the temple so that we parents can serve there.  Being children, they do not yet enter the temple to preform the vicarious service.  They are okay with that.  They have so much wisdom to accept things that would be hard to explain to an adult.  The love being at the temple with us though and look forward to our trips.  They were innocently excited to be able to go into the temple for this special occasion.  Admittedly, Viv seemed most excited about wearing her new white dress.  The kids strode into the temple more comfortably than anyone I had ever seen.  It was as if they were visiting their best friend there.  All that big soul wisdom seemed to sustain me in the moment that I was to leave them in the care of temple workers until the time we would meet in the sealing room.  They looked at me with true confidence in the process and assurity that we were all doing just the right thing.

Once dressed and all the paperwork double checked, Josh and I entered the sealing room.  The hush and loving anticipation of guests and family felt very familiar.  I could feel within me that I was certainly seven years older and further on in life, but the newness of that moment was precisely the same as my wedding day.  It was almost perfect.  Almost because my kids were not yet with me.  

The wise sealer spoke with us a moment before the kids came up to clarify our understanding of the sealing ordinance, specifically what it would mean for Viv.  His words were a balm of Giliead to my guilt ridden worried mother's heart.  Viv is a gem and a trial all in one.  I have committed to take full responsibility for her as if she were born of me, and in that bargain I have got a whole lot that I am unfamiliar with or do not understand.  The sealer mentioned that the ordinance of sealing children to families is one of the very few choices that I am able to make for her that will assure her blessings in heaven based on my righteousness.  We all know I can't make her do anything, but I can make sure that there will be the basics of good assured her because of the choices I make.  That's when I cried.  It was the peaceful assurance I needed that I can be an okay Mama for this one.

They then brought the kiddos in.  All in white, they reflected the perfectness of heaven on earth, which is perfection within imperfection.  I couldn't help but notice how Danny's dinosaur print underwear was visible through his white slacks and the embroidered dog emblem on his white shirt was seriously misplaced for the occasion.  But he was happy and comfy.  The girls were lovely and decidedly more aware of how pretty they looked in white.  

The moment of the ordinance was quick and quiet.  Viv, similar to adoption day was more solemnly aware of things.  Contrastingly from the adoption day,  she was beaming. Absolutely radiant.  She was sure of herself and confident that this was all real.  There was no fear lurking behind it, just joy.  It relaxed me to see Viv as her best self.  She didn't ask her usual barrage of questions, she quietly smiled and did just as she was told.  Her tiny hand on mine.  A promise given.  No applause or hurrahs, just happiness.  Softly and quietly, Faith and Danny gathered around us all at the altar, happy and white and TOGETHER.  We looked briefly in the reflection of our family in white, all smiling, all embracing.  Then the moment passed.  As if a still moment when we could all feel what it really meant to be eternal and where happy with that and moved on in life's good blessing.

The kids hugged the rounds and Danny kept pouncing on the chairs like a puppy in his happy silliness. Faith wanted to stroke pretty things.  Viv just stayed near.  Quietly.  The children were escorted out.  Josh and I went to change. 

 I went back into the bridal changing room, which originally I had felt sheepish taking.  I was just changing into my normal temple clothes, but they were making such a big deal out of things.  Then I paused in that beautiful room full of mirrors for a moment of true reflection.  That day was something special and I was absolutely humbled with gratitude for life, love, family and my knowledge of it all.  God's Spirit filled my soul and I sat down for a moment to collect it in.  He had given me a daughter and also given me the tools I need to teach her.  He had given me His daughter.  And Viv is beautiful.  She is amazing and special beyond all I know.  Perhaps beyond allI will ever get to know.  Only in the reflection of eternity and myself could I feel that truth, inside the Lord's Holy House.  

Prior to December 15th we had talked a lot in our family about the reason we were going to the temple for the sealing ordinance.  This was something that most other adoptive families don't do.  We feel blessed to teach our children the truth we know and share with them the joys of revealed ordinances for our continued happiness.  Even when talking with the kids about what 'sealing' is, like welding, like welding a whole bunch of links together.  Once all welded together they they are stronger.  Our family linked together here on Earth and through that veil that separates heaven and earth is vast and strong.  All of those links are lifting me up and supporting me in my choices and failures.  Now my little Viv is linked right in there in the middle.  With all our mighty linked heart and faith we will all lift together in raising this lovely daughter of God.  We can rely on our collective strength that links us, seals us in deed and love, to our Eternal Family.

Our Hero

The day after Christmas Josh got the hero's treatment.

Josh goes to battle for our family every day, he is truly our hero.  Danny gave him this shirt from one Captain America to another.  The kids made their profile pictures for him.  I made him his favorite dinner.  31 is turning out to be the prime of our lives!

The Best Gifts of Christmas 2012

Tis' the season for the holiday looting recap.  In reviewing 'the best' of this year I am awestruck, in all sincerity, of the simplicity of joys that were not packaged.

Those who know me best know that I LOVE to give gifts.  It comes quite close in hand with I love shopping.  Although I don't feel myself to be much of a materialistic person, I do like come stuff (shoes and clothes) in more abundance than others (gadgets and gizmos).  I got closer than ever this year to my touted 3 gifts per person.  Luckily I have been maintaining my education in self-sufficient simplicity and thus was more apt to feel that less really is more.  And it has been!  It also helps that I was a bit more selfishly Scroogish because I am saving up for a big trip for my to NYC in two weeks.  However the means by which I accomplished it this year, I am so grateful!

The kids got their Christmas Eve jammies: ain't they cute.
Beyond that they are supposed to get 3 gifts: one experience, one something homemade and one special toy from Santa.  I always throw in a matching Sunday ensemble for the whole family.  This year was a magical year of belief in Santa.  Danny's eye's popped out of his head when he found legos in his stocking and Faith sat back in amazement when she saw that there was the perfect dolly for her to do its hair from Santa.

Viv was happy to be getting gifts and receiving input on gracious receiving also.  By her last gift she said thank you and some happy words without even being prompted.  She is getting used to the slower pace of group gift opening and experiencing the happiness of shared joys instead of giant looting.

I finally finished the kids' matching quilts, started nearly 2 years ago, thanks to a brain wave of making the girls quilts into duvet covers and thus not having to quilt them.  I was totally gratified when Faith woke up two days later and recounted to me that she had had a bad dream in the night and instead of getting out of bed to come be comforted by me, she just wrapped her quilt around her tighter and felt my love wrapping her up warmly and wasn't scared anymore.

The experience gift this year was to be piano lessons for all, but we ended up giving them all sleeping bags and they are more excited about the upcoming experience of camping a lot this summer. I am too! It is exciting to think of this family phase of life when we are going to make memories that they actually remember without me having to tell them!  Plus it put us one step closer to having our emergency preparedness prepared.

Our family gift was the cats, which has given us all more enjoyment for our dollar.  They are the toy the kids can't get enough time playing with.

Josh and I spent our gift budget on Advent dinners, a tradition that we prefer to share with others.  It helps us get into the true meaning of Christmas better than anything else and well worth the money spent on some fabulous cheese, meats, and company.

Josh as always, just wanted money in the bank for Christmas.  It is always super hard for me not to express my love to him in my love language (gifts), but to just speak in his language (physical touch and words of affirmation).  My gift to him this year was honoring his wish and really not getting him anything.  He got to read through 'his book' which is a journal I try to keep daily of the wonderful things he does for me.  I started it when we got married, forgot/lost it for 6 years and picked back up this year to help focus on the positive things about our marriage.

My gift is forthcoming as a combined birthday and Christmas gift.  What I enjoyed most about this Christmas, which was a true gift for me, was the amount of happiness and energy I felt.  After 3 years of depression and chronic fatigue it was amazing to finally feel myself again.  Josh and I spent Christmas day playing with the kids as much as they wanted to (kids all had influenza) and still made valance curtains for the kitchen windows.  I thought, gee I could do more tomorrow!  For the first time in a long time I am making To-Do lists and feeling as though I can tackle them.  It has been a learning adventure to figure out my own body and how to maximize on my own energy potential: combination of better sleep and understanding how to get it, taking the proper vitamins daily, listening to the input my body is giving me and respecting that, and less exercise.  Life is so positive and upbeat and we are all enjoying it.

Second best gift of this Christmas season: snow the day after Christmas!  I am in wintery heaven.

In an adoption mood..

On Friday December 21st we picked up two new members of our family.  It was significantly easier than what we just went through to adopt a human (and not as significant), and so fun to have pets!

We went down to the animal care and control and 'interacted' with the cats on Thursday.  Our cats pretty much picked us, and it has been a blissful addition.  I was hesitant about getting two cats but have been super glad to see them play together.  It has also been extra nice to have such good companions for the kids this weekend in particular since everyone came down with influenza and the best we could do was cuddle kitties and watch movies.  As you can tell, the cats didn't mind.

The little black guy is Kris Kringle (Kringle was his shelter name) and he is 4 months old.  He is definately Danny's pick and favorite.  Playful as a kitten but oh so cuddly.

This dude rocks - his name is Toggles.  He is one year old and was an abandoned cat. I figured he was the perfect guy to help Viv get over her irrational fear of felines because he is super calm and extra cuddly.  When we were interacting with him in the shelter he didn't car which way the kids picked him up and we have since found that he actually prefers to sleep in his back!  

The cats are our family Christmas gift this year and the kids pitched in their money to as to make it their gift to each other also!  They are a gift that keeps giving.  When watching family movies, everyone is on the couch cuddling together, cats included.

Unsuspecting Intellectual Hopefuls

I have long been a proponent of feminist movements as mothered by Elaine Showalter: to foster intellectual ideas and conversations in which feminist works and individuals will be appreciated for their inherent femininity.

I have equally as long been frustrated with those who use the guise 'feminism' to bludgeon their way into business that has nothing at all to do with celebrating anything feminine but rather fighting against a perceived masculine authority.

I do not purport that there are instances in which things have been traditionally patriarchal and do need some adjustment.  Bra burning, however does not constitute any major social change toward a more feminine lifestyle.  Nor does demanding that you have a right to wear pants.  If you want the girls to ride free and your legs to be encircled by fabric - go ahead!  Just don't continue to misrepresent feminism and lure unsuspecting intellectual hopefuls into believing such is a feminist movement.

12-13-12 Official Add-One Day

I know of a lot of wonderful people who refer to the experience of adopting a child as a journey.  If adoption is a journey, we reached the destination on Thursday, December 13th, 2012.  

Faith Vivianna came to our family as our first foster placement on October 31st, 2010.  I remember the crazy call on a Sunday.  It was a moment of elation filled with a long series of dot...dot...dot....  We knew she was a three year old girl being removed from a domestic violence situation.  Her name was Faith.  The told us where to meet them to pick her up and to be there in approximately 30 minutes.  Josh was out of the house home teaching and I called him with the excited tremor in my voice that we needed to go pick up our daughter.  I look back now and realize that, perhaps because it was our first placement, I believed that getting a foster child would be a wonderful addition to our family, and Viv was our only foster child that I referred to as 'our daughter' from the first moment.

The first few days were filled with caring and confusion, number one, what do with the double Faith issue.  Our first born insisted that we call her princess and the middle Faith.  Luckily, at our 'ice-breaker' meeting with Viv's biological mother we found that she had a middle name and we asked permission to use her middle name in our home.  For the first year and a half that Viv was in the family she was known as 'Vivy' to all.  She was diminutive and so it seemed fitting to keep the 'y' of her culture on.  Just recently she has insisted that she is Viv, without the y, although she is having a hard time figuring out how to write her big name since she learned Vivy.

The interim 2 years from pick-up day to adoption have been somewhat catalogued in this blog.  In February of 2012 all parental rights were severed from her biological mother.   Viv was four and a half and had already been in our home for over eighteen months.  The formality and finality of that last visit with her biological day I remember keenly.  I waited outside a building in downtown Phoenix by our van during the visit so anxious.  The meeting went over and every moment was agony.  I was terrified that something might happen to Viv and I would never see her again.  I wondered how much this last visit would affect her.  I prayed that her biological mother would not try following us.  It felt like a scene from a crazy heist movie where I had to steal away my daughter in disguise.  When she finally came out with the social workers with bags of stuff, smiling and happily confused I was relieved.  Truthfully, I was also angry at the biological for having popped back into the picture with all the showering gifts after all that time so now I was left with the responsibility of explaining to Viv why she would never see that woman again.  It was an age appropriate conversation at the time, but a very vivid moment for me in our transition to this final adoption day.

When we moved to Indiana in April we knew it would put a bit of a kink in the adoption timeline but were happy to be in a new home ALL together.  A new state has been a wonderful space in which to form new memories and solidify our family unit.  No more triggers of the past, just moving forward together.  In this new space we have learned the most about Viv.  She is vibrant and absorbent.  She does her best to learn.  She is quick to translate feeling into picture, a budding artist.  And yes, there are some 'things' that could hold her back.  Yet, praise be for a family and home life that will give her all the opportunity she could want to be her best self!

We finally made it through all the paperwork falderal with Indiana and Arizona, thanks to some persistence on Josh's part and the adoption date was set.  We had begun the dialogue about adoption a bit more after Josh and I took a mandatory class from DES to be licensed adoptive parents.  It was interesting for all of us to start talking openly about making our family official.  Personally, it wasn't comfortable; probably because I have carries so much responsibility for Viv during all her transitions and healings and done so much to keep her from talking of her biological mother.  Biological mother is part of the adoptive conversation and I was confronted with it a lot.  Over time, the conversation got more comfortable for all of us and we looked forward for the day that we got that magical piece of paper from the judge that would make our family official.

On Thursday my thoughts were consumed with the pending adoption.  Our scheduled time was 1:45pm with the judge.  Our attorney has been extremely efficient, has was our adoptive case worker here in Indiana.  We arrived in the extremely ornate Court House and were met by both.  The court house here is lovely and we had to ascend a giant marble staircase to get to the second floor rotunda meeting place.  As I walked up the steps with Viv's little hand in mine I couldn't help but start singing "Together at Last, together forever!" from Annie.  I may not be Daddy Warbucks, but I know what love is.  

Josh and I were able to review some of the official documents that will be in Viv's legal file (which we will not see again because it is closed at finalization of the adoption) that gave us some information we never had had before.  We got some definitive numbers as to how many half siblings Viv has, in case some day she wishes to seek them out.  We learned a bit more medical history of the biological mother.  Best of all to me, I saw the records of her birth.  It was like having a new baby born to me.  All those little facts that you send out in that first announcement were given to me on the day I official got my daughter.  Viv was born at 38 weeks on October 16 at 11:31p.m.  She was 8 lbs 15 ozs and 19 inches long.  That makes her heavier and shorter than my other two babies. 

While we were waiting for our court time Faith and Danny were actively exploring the court house, very much to their liking.  I found it striking that Viv stayed very near me and was wide eyed and solemn.  She has always been very perceptive when case managers are around and knows when she is being talked about.  I know she was paying attention to the details of what was happening.  I was glad we had prepped her for that day being all about her, since that helps her zone in a bit more.  I felt that we were both settling into this new day and all that it would mean for us.  Mounting to this day Viv had been following old patterns of sabotage which is normal for foster children; we all waited patiently through it for the settling affect of the adoption.

Being in front of the judge was the closest I hope to ever come to being on trial.  We were asked a few questions by our attorney that affirmed what was in our adoption petition and then the judge gave her review.  The wave of reality hit me when the judge smiled at me and said "The court states that from this day forward the child shall be known as Vivianna Hope Button."  It still chokes me up a bit.  She is my girl.  We have talked about her name for a long while; it was nearly a year ago that Viv chose her middle name as Hope during a conversation in which we talked about the meaning of names.  Finally, it was official.  I don't ever have to explain to people again that her legal name is one thing but we call her another thing.  Nor do I have to worry about her hearing her 'other' last name and not feeling included in our family.  She is a Button.  Legally.  She is a Button.

Out we marched from the court room with a new child.  Viv is ours and we are calm and peaceful.  I don't worry about being her parent anymore, I am.  I don't have to worry about paperwork or case workers, insurance or visits.  We are scott free and happy.  After all the hype of the day before, 12-12-12, we determined that 12-13-12 would forever be Add -1 day for our family and gave a dollar to each child.  We officially added one more to the family on that day, and it will be celebrated forever more.

The Courthouse doesn't allow anyone to take cameras or phones into the courthouse, so they graciously took this one token indoor photo of the day Viv was officially added to our family.  Sadly, since we parked farther from the Courthouse, it was not easily accessible to get to the camera of our own even for exterior shots....also known as, I was lazy so this is all we got.

Sealed the Deal!

On Saturday December 15th our daughter (made official on the 13th) Vivianna Hope Button was sealed to our family FOREVER!  Such an amazing moment.  More to come on that.  Just had to let it sink in that yes, it happened.

Now I have to be a mom, later, I will explain all!

Plan of Salvation - five year old style

While reviewing our scriptures study at lunch, Danny told me his version of the grand council in heaven:
We were there and Satan and Jesus wanted my power (physical body).  They played rock, paper, scissors and Satan didn't get my power because he had scissors and Jesus is the rock.

WHA!  This boy is genius.  Good thing he made it to Earth, it hung on a game of chance ;)

writing is the working....

Today Josh has been extremely gracious in granting me the full afternoon to write my term paper.  Now that I have spent the past month formulating all thoughts and synthesizing a lot of information - all of which I really have enjoyed, I am left with the work of writing it.  Bleh.  I don't particularly like the forming of a formal paper.  I know I can get it done, but this moment, right before actually starting to throw together all the references and the exciting thoughts into a congnitive form, I just want to give up.  This may be the precise reason that I procrastinated so very much writing papers when I was in under-grad.  Writing at the last.....ugh. 

Yet, in great love and respect for my darling husband and how hard he is trying to make a full afternoon through with the kids just at home, I will try and pull it together.  15 pages proving that Samuel Beckett finally found a form in which to create a different sort of dialogue that allows for freeplay within form by using the absence of a defined sign for Godot.  I know, you are riveted already.  Acadamia really has no more purpose than to entertain more academics.  Kinda like the old notions of entertaining the upper class with the 'refined arts' rather than teaching them real skills.

I'm so excited about this pairing of my favorite iconic dancers!

Giving them my wings

Josh and I have been considering the education of our children a lot lately.  Rather, I have been considering it a lot.  Josh informed me today that he really doesn't care that much about our kids' education.  At least he is honest.  Lest you think him uncaring, he just believes that a genius floats to the top regardless of the training and you can get great professionals from public educations. I agree to a degree.  Where we diverge is the amount of initial investment given into the final product.  I hold firmly that although an individual may have great intrinsic value and drive - a lot more can be done with it if they are given the correct early opportunities.

At the surface of this discussion is what school or education curriculum do I feel comfortable turning my children over to, or in to, or left for.  At the very core of it are dreams and ambitions, like little seeds inside an apple; they are the most powerful part that hold within them the most magic.  Not everyone cooks or slices an apple the same way to get to the seeds.  Fitting perhaps that the iconic symbol of education is an apple.  

Why is Nancy considering education for her kids, I thought she was married to the idea of homeschooling?  Well, we must first realize that Nancy is never satisfied with the notion that she has yet found the best opportunity.  As it has stood to this point, my abilities as an educator have been felt as the best option for our kids.  However, as they grow, I see possible limitations to my ability to continue to give them the best education.  Particularly in the arena of science and technology.  Actually, there are a lot of personal limitations well beyond education.  The best I can offer my children is my love support, dreams, and wings and maybe a bit of the liberal arts.

Perhaps it is just a stage that we are all growing through and having a harder time adjusting to - the stage of 5 year olds possibly.  The over-arching theme of this stage is jealousy.  I despise jealousy, which of course is why I am really challenged during this particular phase.  I have not yet figured out how to 'help' my children understand the concept of a giving world.  Yes, they are children, but egocentric living is just not at the center of who I am and cannot bear in others.  Thus you cram my daily minutes and minutia with that quality I may just detest the most and I am convinced that my personal limitations have found their exact limit.

Furthermore, I have always seen my kids beyond who they are now.  It may be with a bit of impatience for the present that I feel inadequate to give them the absolute best possible future scenario.  There are grand opportunities for people with some drive (as my kids have), some intelligence (which they all have) and a bit of imaginations (definitely have) you can live the American dream.  Dream big.  My dreams may not be exactly the dreams that my children may have in the future, but I want to give them every possible tool they need to accomplish that dream whenever it is manifest.

My parents really gave us the best available as I grew up, and then I chose my own path guided somewhat by the restrictions of my culture and upbringing.  My wings had not been clipped, but I surely felt security is staying close to the nest.  What a blessing that I had a safe home to desire to be near.  My dreams never felt the same restrictions so I felt early on the divergence of paths.

 As much as I try not to project myself into my children - it happens.  I wish to live through them the dreams that I maybe did not pursue myself.  No, my dream chasing days are not over and I am not fully dissatisfied with my own life, I do often imagine another diverging path in my past that may have put me in a different dream fulfilled.  On this trejectory path, the best I can be is make sure that what I have set up to be the most meaningful part of my life - family- suceeds.  

Continually then, I am pouring more and more energy into the dreams of the future, chasing down every possible divergent path for three very amazing little people that I have invested all my other converging dreams into.  I must give them my wings to fly.  There is a bit of a separation anxiety that accompanies the amputation of personal dreams which have nevertheless been unused since setting on this family path.  It is yet another sacrifice I will make for them.  That anxiety is reflected in the difficulty of recognizing that my children may need another educator beyond myself.  All this searching and  hypothesizing of the future and dreams feels very fruitless.  I don't know. I am learning myself still and perhaps finding new ways to fly while still giving my children the wings they need.

What makes you warm

As we were driving around a spontaneous conversation evolved between the kids and regarding the purpose of moral learning.  I don't remember all of it, but the highlights went something like this:

Faith - Mom, yesterday (in Church) I felt something very warm inside of me.
Me - What were you doing when you started to feel that way?  Was it a good feeling?
Faith- I was sitting still and listening because I was so bored with coloring. It was a very happy feeling. It felt like it was melting and I had a smile and was warm all over.
Me - That's wonderful darling, do you think it was the Holy Ghost giving you those feelings?  His job is to make sure that we can feel in our hearts that what others are teaching us is true.
Faith - Yes.  It was the Holy Ghost, but I don't remember what I was being taught.

I proceeded to try and elaborate to my four and five year old audience more about the feelings of the Holy Ghost and what it means.

Danny - Mom.  I know something else that makes you feel all warm inside.
Me- What's that?

Moment of me believing that I had actually taught them something and feeling so proud of my kids for grasping such a beautiful truth.

Danny - Hot Chocolate!

I am still proud of my kids.  That Danny is a witty one!

Effects of Current Events

God Bless America and Mitt Romney.  I am a bit sad to say goodbye to the political fervor of yesterday.  I haven't finished my grieving process yet.  I thank Gov Romney for running such a good race and plead with Americans to start voting with a collective view and less of a personal view.  I had thought that maybe,with the effects of even more recent current events that more Americans would look toward what we could accomplish together.  Alas, not so.  I was grateful for the words of a dear friend who posted on her blog that regardless of who leads the political government, her allegiance lies with God and his living Prophet, Thomas S. Monson.  Those sentiments finally put a mark on what perhaps has been the undercurrent in our family's reactions to the state of the union.

Current events have changed things in America.  What Sandy has yet again awakened in America is the sense of community responsibility; a commraderie that extends from coast to coast.  Watchful eyes and prayerful hearts turned toward the east coast from everywhere.  At earliest reports, Indiana was going to get our fair brush from the storm.  Josh and I finally decided it was worth the peace of mind to have a generator and got one, even days after we saw the worst of the storm had blown past.  We looked to our neighbors and our family, and something pricked within us a bit more urgency and care.  

Over the weekend the urgency kept a slight prick at my back and I felt a constant push to double check our family supplies.   I had recently organized a night focused on Family Preparedness for Church and had no felt quite at ease with our own preparedness.  We have just weathered a bit of rock shores with employment and were grateful to have had something to keep us fed and sheltered.  As we look toward more security in employment, the pantry did not lend itself to that same feeling.  Why hesitate?  We spent our Friday night restock the pantry.  It cost a lot.  As mentioned in one of the sources I have been using to create a more prepared home, since 2008 prices for preparedness supplies and food have gone up 30% without the majority of us seeing the same increase personal pay.  Why hesitiate turned into 'better not wait any longer!' 

 With the immediate need met of the pantry (with a sigh of relief) my sights then looked around to the rest of the aspects of family preparedness.  I couldn't help but get the 72 hour kits out for an update.  While Josh was resting from having finally succumbed to our family flu, the kids were glad to help we double check the contents of our emergency bags.  I had felt so secure knowing that they were there and full.  After inspection I realize that there is more I ought to do to really be prepared.  We set goals for monthly preparedness and weekly purchases.  We are working on having ready backpacks for the kids now too, who really want to contribute and carry their own load.  We have determined where the bags will be stored so they are most accessible in case we are called to evacuate as many people were on the East coast.  If we were told to go now, where would we go? What would we take?  Putting ourselves in the shoes of our neighbors on the coast finally put the 72hr kit in real perspective.

The kids helped separate out the loose change we have to then put in their own back packs.

Probably the most alarming to both Josh and I was our lack of water storage.  The most basic need.  Sure, it falls from the sky in a pinch, but we can not conjure that up exactly when we are dehydrated.  And is proof again with Sandy victims - there was water everywhere but I wouldn't want to drink that stuff!

Thankfully a really wise woman from Church had shared with me how she always refills her quart jars with water after that are empty of produce until she is canning again the next year.  Brilliant! You have to have the space for the jars to keep anyway so why not have them doing something useful for you?  She also makes sure that when doing her processing, if there is an empty space in her canner she fills it with just a jar of water that will then become sterilized.  Sterile water is a priceless commodity in an emergency to help with medical situations!

Now that I chose not to do much canning this year because of the price of fruit (the blighted crops made some really high prices out here) I have bottles just waiting to be filled by the easiest canning method ever!  I am just boiling the water while I prepare a meal and then put the hot water in the jars and put a lid on.  The cooling water pulls the lid down so it is air tight but not necessarily using the seal from the lids so I can reuse them.

The storms do rage in this great country; political, personal, natural.  All of them have some sort of effect on each of us.  As the kids and I discussed this morning in family scripture study - after the effects of years of wars in the Nephite land, everyone had the choice to harden their hearts for the difficulty of it, or to soften their hearts in humble response to trials (Alma chapter 62).  Elder Neil L Anderson, an apostle of God spoke recently about how trials differ in the responses they generate in each individual; what may seem simple to one person may be devestating to another.  The effects of temporal trials can truly affect the hearts of man.  I am personally grateful for the softening results that I have felt in my heart, and in my family, during a time when everyone has been effected in some way stormy tides.

cause when we're riding in my Malibu, it's easy to get right next to you

Josh and I celebrated our 7th Wedding anniversary on October 27th!!  What a ride!

 I new that Josh and I were like hand and glove when we first met.  I suppose what I didn't understand was that the hand was still growing and the glove was stretching and all that process was a bit snug at times, kinda uncomfortable, and sometimes seemingly wrong.  BUT (and we all have a big but) there has been no question about ever taking the glove off, or the ring!

So our hair has changed, and maybe a few other things.  Our love has changed.  Our friendship has changed.  As we have just weathered through our 'Seven Year Ditch" we feel strengthened and connected.  It was really super awesome that my sis Jill came down from Philly to stay with the kids over night so we had our first time away together without kids in 5 years!   It was a crazy feeling just being us again, kinda like a return to the beginning.  

We drove over to Detroit that night, getting in super late and not even sleeping in the next day because we didn't sleep super comfy (I have one of those weird lady routines to be able to sleep and I didn't bring the hot pad or the snuggie...awkward you know).  Luckily we had schedule for an 8am sealing session at the Detroit temple.  A bit cheeky of me - I packed the same outfits for Josh and I that we had worn to the temple on our wedding day.  One of the temple attendants mentioned that we were a very 'well matched' couple.  The pun hit me a little later.  It was special to be across the altar from each other again on the same day that had joined us for eternity seven years prior.  I loved him more for being with me now, still, despite everything, Josh was there, in the same place we began headed for the same place we are both going.

Afterward we headed to the Henry Ford museum and took a look at things without kids pulling us around, thus we were more like kids.  I was amazed with a new feature they have of being able to collect information about the exhibits you want to know digitally and then they send it to you via email.  Thus we didn't take many pictures cuz we could have the pictures and info sent to us to share with the kids.  We couldn't help getting a picture with this Allegheny train tho - it is massive!  They are fully made of steel and could pull more than 27 million tons!  So impressive.  I think this is the very engine that the creators of the new Polar Express used as the model or the Polar Express.

We then browsed through the 'Driving through the Centuries' exhibit with the various cars.  Josh liked the speed and muscle cars, I was enthralled with the luxury cars.  I'm not surprised.  I couldn't stop thinking about the Dusenburgs or Bugattis.  So beautiful and custom.  

 Of course, during the war, the propaganda may have been a little over the top, but now it is entertaining.

 We high-tailed it home in the early afternoon so we could be back for the ward Trunk-or-Treat, which turned out to be all the Halloween the kids got this year, so we are especially glad we did.  And we got a wee bit of time with sis Jill before she went back to great Sandy in Philly.

Sure, it was a pretty cool weekend.  Yet, the whole ride with Josh of marriage is way more exciting!  I love him more today than yesterday.

Bugged

Tricks and Treats galore this Halloween.  We spent two rather disgusting days of the flu on the 30th and 31st.  No fake vomit or deathly looking people in this house - it was legit.

Everyone got their turn with the bowl and we were on rations of water, white rice, and a bit of bread.  

Both Josh and I thought about serving them their halloween candy they had got from the Church Trunk-or-Treat so they would be pre-conditioned against candy for the rest of their life; however, after cleaning the rugs multiple times of just the bland rice and bread barf, I was glad I had not added more to the mix.  I am sure some year down the road they will gorge themselves and get sick of it anyway.

The most bothersome result to me is the fact that having not moved for the past two days personally, I won't be prepared to run my half-marathon on Saturday.  To be honest, I wasn't really prepared for it anyway.  After the last race which I botched from lack of training and then ended up really achey for weeks, it is for the best.  But I am bugged by it anyway.

Book of Mormon 1.1

Friday morning as I was reading from the Book of Mormon with the kids Danny began getting up from the table and walking away.  I quickly asked him where he thought he was going.  To get a nice clean paper and the 'scripture markers.'  I assured him that today we didn't need to draw any pictures of what we were reading, it was mostly war stuff.  He cocked his head to the side in disappointment and earnestness and said "But Mom, I can't understand the scriptures if you don't draw a picture for me!"  I relented and added to our growing wall of age appropriate scripture art.  

It is no secret that early on in childhood development a lot of it is visual, so it made sense to try and make the words I was reading them from the Book of Mormon 'come to life.'  The challenge is the fact that right now we are smack in the middle of Alma so a lot of things are war.  I think the kids caught on that this section of the Book of Mormon is not like what we had been reading (early chapters of Alma are about more spiritual principles, which we had had much different talks about).  So I have been challenged by making this section applicable to them.  The pictures were pure inspiration (not the drawing aspect rather, the idea to use them).

Alma 48:11-12

 This was the first one - I really wanted the kids to understand why we point to Captain Moroni so often as a scripture hero.  Also, at the time, it just do happened that each of these qualities related to something each of the kids were struggling with at that time.  We spent a week just talking about the qualities we were going to develop so we could be "Like Unto Moroni."

Alma 48:17

During that week we also memorized this scripture.  The best part is when I was first reciting it with the kids and got to 'forever,' the all simultaneously repeated it back to me in 'Sandlot' terms .... For....eve....er....For...ev...er!  It stuck.  My next favorite part is when they say 'never' and shake out their arms  as if it really were an impossibility.  So fun.

Alma 43:19-21, Ephesians 6:10-18

We did some scripture cross-referencing when it came to how well Moroni prepared his armies with protections, versus the Lamanites who came naked (tehehe).  The kids then loved acting out how surprised and dumbfounded the Lamanites where to see Moroni's armies so well prepared.

Alma 50:1-16

I think I mentioned before how one morning we spent a lot of time discussing how many bad guys should be named and laid dead in the pit of our fortifications.  I thought that the most meaningful part of the lesson would be that we can build fortifications around our city (family represented by the kids=small houses and parents=skyscrapers, totally not what the Nephites lived in, again, age appropriate), but the kids thought the fact that you could kill people better from the safe part proves that they are 'saturday's warriors.'  The bad guy laying in the pit ended up being 'bad words' and the king who is leading the bad guys (just of page R) is 'Power Hungry' and the other two bad guys are 'greed' and 'selfish' trying to get into our city protected by good deeds and testimony and the prophet is the watchman on the tower.  

After this, the kids got used to the pictures (as mentioned by Danny) so it became rather creatively spiritual to find something in the versus they were now so keen on understanding have some application.  It is war time and Amilikiah is still coming-  side joke: When I read the scripture when Amilikiah swears an oath to drink Moroni's blood Faith paused me and said "Amilikiah must be a mosquito."  I smiled.  Before I could get a response in, Viv piped in "No, he is not a mosquito, he is a vampire."  Again, before I could get in the question as to where she had even learned about vampires, Danny added his comic tow bits "No, his is a Mosquito Vampire!"  At that point, what do you answer?  "Maybe.  At any rate, I think he made a really silly oath, don't you?"

Alma 51:1-16

There are some perhaps non-Church sanctioned interpretations of what is going on during the battle, but it was really neat to witness how this section of the Book of Mormon could be applicable to our station in life and what we struggle with as a very young family.  As Moroni is struggling with the Kingmen causing contention within we had a great conversation about how contention inside our safe home makes it harder for us to fight the bad influences from out.  In this version Josh/Daddy gets to be Captain Moroni and I am Chief Judge Pahoran.

Alma 54&55

This lesson I thought was one of my weaker ones, but it must have been guided by the Holy Spirit for it seems to be most memorable to the kids right now - rather that reacting and getting more and more upset because of 'firey words' we can chose the 'What if..." and no people will get hurt.

I had to draw a lot out of this 'strategy' part of the war stories, and yet again was surprised by how things turned out.  I would never have thought going into Alma chapter 32 that such a truly personal lesson for each of my 4 & 5 years olds could come from it - again, higher purpose here.  As we did all the movements around of Moroni's strategy to get the city of Mulek and we came up with our family definition of what strategy is "using your brain to make a plan with the best choices" and it's antithesis displayed by Captain Jacob of the Lamanites "Fury, using your anger to guide your choices."  So we mapped out our life strategy.  I drew mine and the kids put together what they thought was best for theirs (with some parental guidance, certainly).  I love the daily reference to the choices that they will make for their future.

Faith was the one that pointed out that she needed to be baptized when she turned 8 years old.  I hadn't put that in my life strategy so it was purely a choice that she has already made in her little soul.

Viv added in her life strategy herself and her brother and sister and pointed out that while she was in our house it was her choice to always get along and play nice and love her brother and sister.  She also said that we need to keep visiting the temple.

Danny was most intent on drawing himself at the beginning and then trying to catch up with what the girls had already drawn.  He was really excited that he would be a missionary at 18 now since the prophet said he could go then.  I was impressed that even though he was drawing a few of the details in a little slower, the ones he put in were impressive (his spelling of college as 'colliegl' was his own as well as adding two people getting married in the temple).

This has been such a wonderfully fun journey to have with my kids in the morning. I have been afraid for them in this increasingly wicked world (not all bad but certainly a lot more pervasive immoral stuff) and just haven't know how to direct their paths.  I just started having morning scripture study because it is one of the basic instructions of the Church.  I wouldn't have dreamt that just a few months down the road of starting this habit I would feel so more reassured about my childrens' moral footing.  I know that if we keep reading the scriptures in the morning and just letting the Spirit guide our discussions, what is most important will be discussed.  I'm not saying that every day is stellar, just this morning I barely kept their focus beyond a few verses (they were focused on the left-over birthday cake, I hate the lure of sweets, its breakfast for crying out loud!) but we keep the faith and the fortitude, which amounts to some pretty awesome stuff, even for pre-schoolers.

Let kids just be kids

Funny thing about smarty-pants authors, they say that this is creative imaginative play that forms the basis for productive thought processes:

 I say it is creating a lego world in their playroom.  And Legos are very versatile - also cheaper subsitiute for false fingernails:

 My favorite part of Faith's description of this particular world-scape: "And here is the evergreen tree in the park."  Sweet thing knows what an evergreen is!

Viv turns 5 years old!

Tuesday was Viv's 5th Birthday!!  Wowzers, our little mini is older without seeming to have grown.  Oh, I know she has grown A LOT and there are A LOT of milestones to mark for this remarkable little one.  We made sure that this birthday was particularly a day of celebration of all that is special about her.  She got a trampoline (which was not wrapped on the table for obvious reasons) to celebrate how hard she has been working at gymnastics and her amazing abundance of bouncy energy.  She also received this beautiful dress to celebrate how beautiful she has become in our eyes.  Inside and out Viv has become stunning, vibrant, fun, and just precious.  A neon pink flowered tiered dress just seemed to fit the layers that we have been discovering of this beautiful girl.  She also received some thoughtful cards from family that celebrated how kind and sweet she is.

And now for the rest of the story.  This picture (of her opening her cards) kinda sums up how the attitude of the day started.  Unfortunately, birthdays are a bit of a trigger day for Viv.  Damn those triggers.  I hope to heaven that after a few more years of learning and experience we will not repeat all this at every birthday.  You see, as told by the very sour and disappointed look on Viv's face how thrilled she was with her gifts.  A candid contrast shows how delighted Danny and Faith were for Viv with the dress and excited anticipation of opening special cards.  To Viv, it was just not enough.

Viv's past training had ingrained a different attitude to gifts.  In her short three years before coming to our family, she had learned a lot about gifts; they were her right and she deserved as many as she demanded.  We can assume, validly based in representative patterns we saw during a year and a half of visits, that gifts were given to make up for guilt.  What does that shower down on a small child?  A completely wrong idea of what a present is for.  Thus began a new window of learning for the week.

My day began on October 16th much as it has been for the last few months- waking to an angry voice emitting from my darling Viv.  I sleep in a bit in the mornings hoping to make up for a night of interrupted sleep, and my darling ducks are good at quietly playing together after Daddy has left for work.  Viv is usually the last to rise and the first to make the loudest noise, she has a louder dial.  She is also still learning how to negotiate situations, particularly in the morning, with others in a kind way.  I generally hear out of my subconcious ear all those early disputes and recognize that a Mom-iator is needed and open my eyes to seeing Danny or Faith there to plead their case.  Viv slinks behind like a guilty pup with its tail between its leg - I am still not certain in every case if she realizes that she may have done something wrong or if she just knows that she can expect to be in trouble any time Faith or Danny complains (I have been working a lot on making sure I don't 'get her in trouble' with every accusation).  On the morning of her birthday, no sibling had to hail the problem I intereveened in behalf of the chance for change.

What did I hear?

Earliest signs that this was a day started with triggers: rustlings and whisperings as the kids moved about the house with directions such as "there has to be more gifts for me, it is my birthday, you find them!" That had a whole subsequent kindly retaliation from her siblings that really were trying to make it special for her.  In the end of her frustration of not having found anything more were the bossiest little words I have heard from her: "Then you go in to my room and decorate it for my birthday!"  That's where I had to pull the plug.  Not for protective reasons, I am sure Danny and Faith would have done a very creative job of decorating the bedroom, but for the amount of unknown associations I heard in that bossy declaration.

I called Viv into my room.  "Happy Birthday Darling!" I said in the happiest voice I could muster during the early morning revelations and fast heartfelt prayer.   She sulked in the room in her practiced kicked dog demeanor.  "What a special day this is.  Can you tell me why birthdays are so special?"  Through her muffled lips she said "cuz it's my birthday."  "Yes, and why is that so special?"  "I dunno."  "Because this is the day that we get to celebrate all that is so special about  you!"  Viv began to perk up a bit.  "Do you know what is so special about you?"  She met my eyes.  "That you are kind, beautiful, smart and a good learner." By this point, of course, Faith and Danny had appeared on the bed as well, can't miss an opportunity to be in on the crowd.  Perhaps noting a moment of power, Viv added "Yeah, and when it is my birthday I get to be in charge."  "Oh.  Is that something special about you that we can celebrate?"  "NO!" Interjects Faith, "that is being a brat!" (thanks to the Oompa Loompas and Wonka's description of certain children we have had a very candid conversation in our family as to the implications of the word brat.) My reply, thanks to some great suggestions on How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk, was the short "Oh." They all sat in suspense for a bit thinking about that.  Feeling a need to protect herself, Viv defended "Well, Faith told me that I could be the boss...." "No.  I don't think that is true Viv."  Boy when Viv lies it is like seeing the lights of Sin City ablaze at midnight in her eyes.  She resumes kicked dog.

Supposing this was the best time of any to have this conversation for ALL the kids to hear.  I then cautiously proceed to explain that birthdays are a wonderful day of celebration.  Everyone deserves a day that we can celebrate just for them.  When we celebrate we get to recognize everything that is so special about that one person.  However, if you do not show us anything special on your birthday, what do we have to celebrate?  From a mother's heart this mini lesson was riddled with difficulty.  How I wished that I could just jump up for joy and wrap my little darling brown-eyed daughter in my arms shouting hurray for this special day.  Yet there I was with three round eyed little ones teaching about the consequences of acting greedy and selfish on a day that should be special no matter what.  After all, does my love have qualifications or expecations?  NO!  But love carries with it the parental responsibility to teach, and to teach in the moment that it will carry the most impact.  That moment was early on the morning of my five year olds' birthday.

We proceeded on that day with numerous reminders of how special Viv was and all those lovely qualities that make her special.  I took every repetitive moment to reiterate how each gift represented what we saw in her that was special; the thing had a specific purpose that related to her positive qualities.  The reader board of Viv's processing center kept registering and compiling the input, slowly, as if having to chisel over the top of something else that was already engraven on that small impressional psyche.

The next day I discovered what it was that Viv had been chiseling over the day before.  While celebrating on the new trampoline, a bit of a heated discussion emerged as does frequently between two sisters.  Viv was mostly agitated; Faith was noticeably irritated.  As the discussion escalated, I moved from my observation perch in the house toward the door to mediate just as I saw Viv recoil a loaded punch to her sister's back (Faith had turned to walk away from the situation).  Viv let it fly and Faith was not to be bettered and had her tackled to the tramp by the time I hit the back door (what a lot can happen in three steps' time).  One holler halted the mounting action.  Viv was sent inside and Faith ordered to cooling chair on the back porch.  After sitting myself on the back steps for a moment to gather my most composed parenting mind, I asked Faith for her recounting of the situation.  With a few why? questions I got only that Viv had kept yelling at her and she yelled back to ask her to stop them Viv punched her.  I had only paid attention to the situation once the yelling started and didn't know what the inticement had been.  I took an eye witness account from Danny before going inside to work with Viv.

I asked Viv the same non-accusatory question about the incident.  Surpisingly, without having heard Faith's report, Viv's was identical but told from the first  person account; "I was yelling at Faith and she yelled back so I hit her."  With my mind reeling I asked what she thought out to be done about the situation knowing our family rule that you cannot enforce your words with your actions.  Her response was already concocted before I had entered the room, "I will give her this bracelet as a present to make up for hitting her."  From another child I would have excused that as a thoughtful resolution, but there was too much loaded behind that very very quick response.  I do not believe I was reading into anything, for as I looked into her eyes and asked, "Do you think that a gift will make up for you actions?" her reaction was deeply personal.  Her little countenance feel, as if collapsing in pain not shame, and shook her head with the emotion of a one who didn't even believe it for herself.

Yet another conversation ensued about gifts, actions, and what can be done to repent.  More meaningful that our regular repentance conversations after infractions, this talk carried with it the weight of deeper healing.  My heart was wrenching as I needed to explain to my darling daughter that gifts don't make up for behaviors, changes of behavior is the way that we show others how much we love them and are sorry for what we did.  My mind was recounting in sequential flashbacks the weeks when Viv still had visits with her biological mother - how she would come home with the triumphant and inflated elation of all the new 'gifts' she had received during a one hour visit, and the hard hit reality of the next few days when the gifts were no longer new and the pain was relived in dreams and memories associated with the 'gift' giver.  I hated those days.  I hated those sacks full of dollar store crap and all they stood for.  After recognizing their triggering effect, each week I had to find the most discreet way of demolishing them so that they wouldn't remain in our home to remind her and relapse her.  And now, a year later, how agonizing it was to uncover the scars that imprinted memory had left!

Scars and open wounds then has been the reprise of this week.  There have been triumphs as I listen to Viv solidify the new and accurate learning she has gained from this 5th birthday - birthdays are special because we get to celebrate was is special about her, which is not being a brat.  The re-visiting of the old days of having to train and train anew in a correct pattern have been exhausting for me.  Believe me, I question each day if I am doing it right.  I try so intently not to read more into Viv than need be. I fight against any inclination to compare her to other children.  I speculate as to whether I am taking the right approach for her moral upbringing.  Somewhere in it all I do feel correct.  Viv is beautiful, and becoming more so each day.  She is getting older and we have entered into a new year, her fifth year, together as a family.  Keeping our fingers crossed, this will be the year that everything is finalized with the adoption and there will no longer be clarifications as to where of to whom she belongs.

Happy birthday my brown-eyed darling.