Bacheloretter Recap, please take notes...but not too many if you want to stay.

 

We finally get a 2nd black bachelorette - Full Season. I will admit to being more intrigued by this season than most seasons. Welcome Michelle! 

Got my first and last episode of the season crew with me (I probably over-fed them) so that we can have commentary and jokes.

The show starts with the trope of having kids question the lead about how many boyfriends she is going to have.

Michelle ("M") gets the glow up that all the leads get. 

The show wants to make sure you remember she is not all that black just half and half so she is palatable with your morning coffee. 

Some forced basketball references. 

And the fake pretense that Michelle is doing her own makeup while she uses a makeup brush with nothing on it. 

Clayton is getting the sweet son edit. Feels like someone to draft high in our fantasy league....if you compete against me this is not something you should consider. 

At the start of this I said out loud "the problem with having Kaitlyn and Tayshia is that we get too much of them" and then we get whole segments of them searching the guys' rooms and interrupting the guys 

Ryan's apparently a moron because he lets the ladies search his room while having a script of how to get screen time etc...and so of course they find his script. Thing is when you zoom in on his papers they are really really not that bad, in fact some of them seem to be stuff that would have been provided to the men by producers or things requested from the men by the producers like potential date ideas. I think this man was set up, but he made himself a willing and easy victim. Also he is not new to Bachelor Nation - so this is extra silly. 

Limo entrances: 

Nayte - turns out he has a great African name but "my friends call me Nayte" then drops a terrible pun

"It is better Nayte than never" everything on his suit is short. 

Romeo - a mathematician speaks French asks M to be his Juliet and assures her it will not end in tragedy. 

Jack - Former military member - does he have no job now? 

Clayton - Medical supplies rep - comes with a prop a yard stick so that Michelle can discipline him if necessary. Michelle gets one free swing. 

Jamie - Biotech Ceo - From San Diego. He looks like he might be high. 

Chris G - is a motivational speaker and we all groan on my couch as he spouts trite nonsense.  

Mollique - an administrator

Alec - Engineer. 

Will - Academic interventionist. 

Pardeep - Neuro scientist 

Olu - Analyst. 

Chris S - Commodities broker shows up in a short set suit with a backpack and hops out of a school bus, he clearly should have been on "F-Boy Island" 

Garrett - Tech CEO - claims he broke his foot, so he has a cane, this does not broker feelings that he will be here long-term, no way will the producers want a guy that cannot compete in physical activities.

Casey - Advertising exec - 

Brandon K - From Austin brings beads while saying he wants to see her...heart but clearly was trying to make a "show me your boobs: joke, he also said "this is what we do in Louisiana as the chyron shows Austin. 

LT - Yoga guru comes out in a suit jacket and underwear (tuxedo briefs). 

Rick - Medical sales - From Los Angeles has himself wheeled up under a table with his head popping up to frighten Michelle. 

Ryan - Environmental consultant - rolls up in an "ice cream truck" - but pretty sure that is an 'ices' truck

Michelle said "you did your homework" this is the guy with the notes so there is some strong foreshadowing here. 

Rodney - Sales Rep - comes up in an apple costume to "be the apple" of Michelle's eye, he claims to be a granny smith apple - The moron is wearing RED!

Peter - Pizzapreneur - yells in Italian

and tosses pizza dough into the air and onto the ground...wasteful bastard. 

Daniel - Firefighter - Austin - and repeatedly tells us that he is a firefighter and while telling us his intro was unique and the best because he rolled up on a toy firetruck...

An actual firetruck rolls up and out jumps PJ - Firefighter - Houston.

The ladies who I have over-stuffed ask "why am I getting Carlton vibes?" One of the guys in the house tells Daniel that PJ is good looking and poor Daniel stares in shock. 

Brandon J - Traveling nurse recruiter - rolls up in a bed and gets Michelle to get in bed with him.

The next batch are fast and furious JoMarri has a tear away suit. 

One fellow does a flip

Jo - From Minnesota - Michelle slid into his DMs back in the day but then Jo ghosted her. 

Jamie pulls Michelle first to speak to her while Rick is still stuck in the table. 

Peter tells Michelle that is Italian so he made her cannolis which they share. 

Jo tells M that he had a lot going on while she was DMing him, he owned a property in George Floyd square so he had a tonne going on while the protests were happening so that is why he did not respond to her, Michelle does not fall for it and asks "how do I know that you will not shut down again?" 

Some of the guys are mocking Rick for being stuck in the table,

and it really feels producer driven that he is stuck here since he says "I hope so" when talking about getting out of the table. Finally he gets to talk to M and leave the table. 

Rodney gets called out for wearing red and calling himself a granny smith. 

Ryan takes M for some treats from the ice cream truck...he is sweating profusely. 

M is talking to another guy when Tayshia and Kaitlyn come to tell her about "ice cream Ryan" and his script and his research into teachers, the stuff does not sound that bad based on what they were saying - you are coming on a show, you should research and you should know how not to be a villain. Cut to Ryan being told by another guy that he seems super confident

as Michelle comes up to separate him from the guys to question his honesty. Michelle asks to see the notes.

Ryan claims that his friend's wife wrote the notes for him and they absolutely seem like the type of notes

a friend writes to help you out, the stupidity is that he brought so many AND he snitched on himself.

Michelle needs time to study the notes that Ryan has, and they are voluminous so Ryan has to wait outside of the room while she reviews his notes. 

Michelle says there are too many red flags for this early in the season - so she has to walk him out - she walks him all the way out of the hotel DESPITE THE FACT THEY ARE AT HIS HOTEL ROOM.

Can we quickly contrast how well Michelle did this versus all the 'dramatic' steps Katie did on her season when booting peeps? 

Many of the guys are shocked

Michelle tells the other guys she let Ryan go, and so now they are all warned.

 That whole thing was so dumb, if Kaitlyn and Tayshia cared about protecting M and her journey they would have told her about the notes immediately rather than waiting until Ryan got so far, almost feels like Ryan told the producers he could only be there for a week because he didn't have notes for week 2, so they used up his storyline as fast as they could. 

One of the visiting ladies says about a gentleman "He is dumb looking and is totally my type." 

Nayte gets the first impression rose and the first kiss. A fewer number of kisses than I can remember on any past premiere. 

Poor Michelle is constantly going up and down stairs. 

Rose Ceremony: 

IN AN ATRIUM? 

Roses to Jamie, Leroy, Martin, Spencer,

Rick, Clayton, Peter, PJ, Mollique, Romeo, Daniel, Brandon J, Will, Chris S., Rodney, Alec, Pardeep, Christoper G., Casey, Olu, LT and the last rose is down to (while we get a lot of conversation about Joe) Michelle walks away to take sometime but comes back and picks Joe. 

Bachelor in Paradise or will any of these couples survive? No seriously you think so?

 Gag me with a spoon it is another 3 hour episode, this show hates its audience. 

Time for the Lil Jon VO with the attempt at contemplative voice. 

Wells gets a double edit into the opening sequence with Anna and Mykenna popping up. 

We return to the 'Paradise Prom' Anna dancing with James looks like a giant with a doll. 

Joe in his role of favored son gets to say "It wouldn't be a Paradise prom, it wouldn't be a prom without somebody crying but I don't know who it will be" cut to Noah waiting outside of the bathroom as Abigail cries. 

Noah announces he has to leave paradise early now that he and Abigail are no longer together, the edit shows Noah just getting into a car and leaving immediately and NOT saying goodbye to anyone. Weird how cars are always immediately available. 

Abigail goes back to the group crying and has to be the one to tell the assembled group about the breakup.

James stating the obvious "didn't they just win most likely to uhmm..." 

Noah's move feels cowardly and Mari points it out "the nerve of him...he just dumped her and bounced." 

In her goodbye car Abigail says she thinks Noah is just scared. 

The breakup of Abigail and Noah leaves a lot of other couples shaken 

The show is having a rose ceremony: 

Which we quickly go to because Wells cancels the cocktail party..."at least 2 women will be going home tonight."

Roses: Joe to Serena (who is excited about fantasy suites)/Riley to Maurissa/ Kenny to Mari/ (then I realized I legit zoned out and had to look to see who had roses to know what happened) Thomas to Becca/ James to Anna/ Aaron to Tia (who the show makes sire to place beside Chelsea) Aaron claims it is a bit of a surprise/

Ed to (this whole time during confessionals I thought Natasha was wearing a swimsuit, but it is a dress/cocktail outfit?) Mykenna. Natasha says "it sucks to leave like this" BUT Nat, you have been a survivor on this show, most peeps in your position would have been out weeks ago, celebrate that...easy for me to say from my desk. 

There is a promo for "Queens" with Brandy and Tayshia looking like cousins. 

Caelyn and Dean come out under Wells' intro to provide encouragement to the remaining couples. Dean sounds like he is reading cue cards that the holder keeps jiggling up and down. 

The guys all hang together and James says that hearing Dean and Caelyn talk about paradise being close to over makes him realize...that Paradise is close to over. 

Kenny first goes to talk to Mari, he is worried that she is too young but Mari lets us know that if Kenny proposes she is definitely saying yes. We have come a long way from the start of the season when Mari told us she was known for "having a big ass...and it is real." 

Becca is telling the ladies that Thomas is aware "that I need more humanity from you" and Thomas comes to talk to her and they exchange tender kisses. Becca tells Thomas her plan/expectation was to come to the beach and just get a nice tan and she was pleasantly surprised by Thomas "but sometimes it is too good to be true and it scares me" Becca tells him that what is best for both of them is to not go to the fantasy suites "and not show up tomorrow." The Becca news literally leaves Thomas scratching his head. Thomas says "we are calling off a potential life because things are too good?" Thomas cries at Becca breaking up with him and walks away, Becca runs after Thomas after he has gotten some distance from her "I don't want you to leave here thinking that I didn't care" Thomas begs "just let me go...I wish you could see the faith that I have in us." 

I really should be packing. 

Joe tells the guys that he is happy that Becca stepped up to open herself up again but she has been in some public breakups then ends all of that with "but I don't know." So just talking to talk? 

The remaining guys are laughing that Ed is going to try and get Mykenna to go to the fantasy suite with him. Ed is putting in a tonne of effort and ignoring the clear stop signs that she is throwing up for Ed. Ed really comes off creepy to me here, I am not for sure calling him a creep (which might be a distinction without a difference) but he is for sure making me uncomfortable with how hard he is trying despite Mykenna's clear resistance.

Anna is beaming as she goes to talk with James (in her confessional "James I like you please like me back") as they sit down she tells James "I like you...I would like to see where this can go." James "I don't think I am in a place right now where I can see us falling in love...we owe it to ourselves not to adjust our standard of what we are looking for." Anna says "I feel like a little led on" look Anna you are not Aaron.

"Hurting Anna sucks but I know deep down, she is not my person" he goes to tell Aaron that he is leaving and says to Aaron "My man I love you, I don't know where you are with Tia, but we came in together we gotta ride out together you ready to head back to SD?"

Aaron immediately goes to Tia and instead of going all the way to a day bed like everyone else does he just breaks up with Tia in a hallway while telling Tia he has to go quickly because James is leaving, Tia thinks he is kidding but nope Aaron is out "I will get your number." James tells us he has to leave with "Big Facts?"

I told y'all Aarons are lovable. Tia gets the forced comedy scene of dragging a suitcase across sand. 

You can tell the day is progressing as you see the shadows and sun on Maurissa's face as she goes to talk with Riley. Maurissa tells Riley that she would love to go to the fantasy suite but...Riley says "uhmm...we have to be sure [and I suspect he is messing with her]...with all the guys leaving and" Maurissa is fighting hard to not cry but as I suspected Riley lets her know he would love to go to the fantasy suite with her. 

Joe and Serena go off to discuss the Fantasy suite and they of course choose to go, Serena says "Hey Joe I love you" to which Joe says "I was going to say that later...I love you too." 

Dean and Caelynn (who never made it to the fantasy suite stage) return to tell the couples how important this stage is. 

Kenny and Mari discuss their age differences while Joe and Serena gloss over it. Riley tells Maurissa that he cannot imagine life without her. All three couples go to the fantasy suites...Joe still in a terrible t-shirt, Maurissa and Riley playing with whipped cream and Kenny and Mari eating tacos from a platter served by a naked Kenny. 

Potential engagements:

Mari has clearly gotten in with a glam squad and is back to her glow up...Kenny is much more casual in the skinny jeans aesthetic. Kenny says he is shaking but he finally gets to the point and as he takes a knee "oh man these old bones" and we get the Neil Lane box shot "It's big right?" "It's huge" because a Neil Lane ring is never subtle. "Today I did what I have wanted to do for the last couple days and I asked Mari to marry." 

Maurissa dissolves into giggling tears when Riley asks her to marry him. 

Because if you think the producers of this show really care about love...HERE COMES KENDALL as Joe waits on the platform for Serena. Joe brushes off Kendall. 

Joe admits to Serena that Kendall came out and Serena's concern is in how Joe felt, she is secure in her hold on Joe. 

Good bye montage: 

"James and Aaron are now roommates and BFFs #BigFacts" "Connor is available...to play your next event" "Tammy moved to Los Angeles and is now vaccinated" ""Noah and Abigail left paradise and realized they missed each other...they are hanging out and taking things Slowly" photos of dating, same for Becca and Thomas "Brendan and Pieper are laying low" "Nathasha has over 460, 000 followers on Instagram" the show really leaning into the outside controversy.