Jesse

In our 20 years together, Michael and I have been through our fair share of loss, sadness, and anger.  As a family of four, we've had it really good.  We've battled the loss of a friend to cancer, the passing of Michael's mom and my grandmother, bumpy/blended family drama and life's little disappointments.  But truly--we've had it good.
We always have each other and that gets us through the hard times.  

This face...we are heartbroken without it.  And it is like nothing we have ever gone through.

It has been 3 days since we put Jesse down and the grief is...well, grief.  Our little family has circled the wagons even tighter.  It catches us when we least expect it.  The house is just not the same without her.  So many things we miss about her.  So many wonderful memories she has left us with.  Dang, we miss her.  Our last afternoon with her was simply perfect....we did her favorite thing...we all 4 hung out in the family room and just let her go from person to person.  Her gift and loyalty to us all the way to the end.  My dad came over and shared in those final moments with us.

Never was there a more loyal dog.  Fiercely loving, protector of us and my baby girl.  All the nights I slept on the floor with her when she needed me--after her surgery on her knee and then years later on her mouth.  And all the nights she slept with the boys when they needed her.

Putting her nose on the edge of the bed in the morning, saying "Hey--guys--you awake yet?"  Perfectly trained...never begged at the table, wouldn't leave the yard, and barked when someone approached the house.  She had even trained her sister to do the same.

As the days have gone by, I cry a little less.  Today was a hard day setting up Christmas without her.  She loved the hustle and bustle of moving furniture and boxes.

We just miss her.  I did notice that today we started telling stories about memories from her younger years.  It seems like the last few days, all we could focus on was if we did the right thing or not.  We know we did, but it is hard to swallow.  We talked about how hard it was for her to move.  But today, we reminisced about how onery she was as a puppy -- that little girl chewed everything!  The TV cable, bushes, carpet...man oh man.  We were so happy when she grew out of it.  She never lost her silly streak though...

Or her running years...we talked a lot about the years of running she did with me.

Thinking about her today was met with some smiles.
The girl loved her ice cream from DQ!

She loved her boys -- oh so much.  Anything they wanted to do, she was game!

Thinking of all the happy memories today--it helped.

And for that, I am thankful.

What a blessing Kacie has been.  Jesse trained her just right.  She spent the last few months telling her all of the important ways to behave and reminded her when she was being a stinker.

I have found so many great photos over the last few days and they bring a smile to our face every time.  Pictures of Jesse in the bath tub with the boys, playing in the snow, hunting for easter eggs and running through mud puddles with the boys.  Laying in the yard with Michael each afternoon when he got home.  Howling, howling and then howling some more.  I would love to kiss that snout one more time.

She gave me the most precious gift on Tuesday.

She laid her head on my shoulder and let me hold her paw for a LONG time....I just sobbed and she just comforted me.  That is the kind of dog she was.  My girl.  These two girls were meant for our family.  And our hearts will be broken for a long time while we heal.

I'm proud of my little family.  We've been patient with each other, attentive to one another and honoring the times when we are just sad.
We love you Jesse--always.
9/11/2006-11/24/2015 

Never get old...

National Board trainings just never get old. They are never the same.  And I always leave a better person and educator.

Familiar faces, new faces—they never get old.

These are the people changing education.  They are people who care enough to give of their own time to collaborate with other professionals and improve the educational system for all students.  

I leave these conferences feeling refreshed, rejuvenated and ready to tackle any Monday!

I have connected with people across the United States.  For these opportunities, I am thankful.

It surprises me that as I look back over the last year when I started the renewal process for National Boards where I was at.  I started attending conferences to widen my vision, broaden my connections and to learn, learn, learn.

I meet people and hear their journeys and think, “yep—I can do that”.  I am starting to be the voice of National Boards.  10 years into my journey and I truly “get it”.  I’m no longer the young teacher in the crowd, I am an accomplished veteran teacher.  I have tools to share, knowledge to give and more trades to learn.  I am being sought out for advice by younger teachers.  It feels like a changing of the guard and I like that.

So to those of you who I have met in this journey—thank you.  For those of you who paved these opportunities for me—thank you.  They are meaningful, necessary and plant a seed that I am happy to share. 

"Who is Dear to You?"

This weekend I was at a training.  The question posed to us was “Who is Dear to you?”

I guess that first, you have to decide what dear means to you.

When I think of “dear”,  I instantly think of caring and important—something to be protected, something you care about, and something that is delicate.

Michael is always first to my brain.  He is my soul.  He is my breath.  Without him, I am not me. I love that about us.  And yes, he is dear to me.  But he is so many more things to me.  Dear doesn’t capture “us”.

My children are next.  They are my most prized and precious possessions.  And yes, they are dear to me.  But they are mine.  Mine to raise.  Mine to nag.  Mine to love.  I am proud of them. I worry fiercely about them.  And I look forward to watching them spread their wings and fly.  But, Dear doesn’t capture “them”.

I thought about my Dad.  Geesh.  My dad.  He defines me.  When I make decisions, I often think, “What would Dad think?” When I doubt myself, I can hear my Dad saying other wise.  When I am pissed, passionate and proactive…I have my Dad with me.  But, Dear doesn’t capture “Daddy’s girl” or the relationship we share.

My mom.  She is “DEAR” to me.

My mom is the silent rock--a diamond.  She is my most precious piece of delicate China to me.  When I need something, my mom is there.  When things are tumultuous, my mom is the calm presence.  And as the years have gone by, we are changing roles.  I have been with her as she transitioned me into being a mom; through a challenging times in our life; through challenging times in her life; through losing her parents; through celebrating retirement; through raising my children; through loving the children in my classroom.  My mom is dear to me.  She is that someone that I feel the need to nurture, protect and love endearingly.  My mom is someone who will always be with me—in the here & now and beyond.  She is dear to me.  

She spoils me.  Holy smokes, does she spoil me.  But I think I spoil her to.  We have an unspoken language between us and deep understanding that I share with no other.  The mother daughter bond is strong.  Dear, and strong.

I cried—like, choked up cried when I shared with the group who was dear to me.  But they were tears of pride, thankfulness and protection of my diamond, my mom, my most Dear.

Insert your _______, here.

Running.

That is my ______.

It defines me and has taught me so much about myself.

As I go through the process of earning my principal certification, I realize that running has trained me for this moment and experience.

Training takes time.  It takes goals.  It takes the ability accept when things don't go your way and find a way to make them work to your advantage.

Running has taught me perseverance and relentlessness.  I have a never give up mentality.

That doesn't mean it is always pretty.  It means being able to work through when things are hard.

Training is hard.  School work is hard.

I can do hard.  This much I know.

I can get to the finish line.  It might not be pretty. It might not be the way I planned it.

But I know I will finish.

Running is my ______.

Thankful for running.

Cru, cru, cruising along....

I shouldn't be surprised that this year is cruising along at lightening speed.

 Pretty sure just yesterday was the first day of school.

Both boys are finding their groove and busy with band, studying and their social life!  (Taxi is our middle name these days--well, for Nik, Nana and Daddy)

But when I'm home, I take advantage of getting snuggles with these handsome boys any time I can.

Thankful they still like momma lovin'!

 I am loving all of my new roles and learning experiences.  My mind is full 90% of the time with students, staff and Gonzaga info.  My family has been such a huge source of support throughout this.  It makes for long days and big studying time on the weekends, but we are doing it.  Things look different than they have in the past.  And I miss long runs and lazy days.  However, I know this is a short term commitment in the spectrum of life.  So for now, we balance as best as we can. 

 And these two little gems are just huge sources of love for all of us.  

Ready to kiss and be by your side at any moment.

One thing I'm having to adjust to is girls.

These Carpenter men seem to be magnets.  

Jacob went to his first homecoming dance with 2 girls.  Sweet as could be!

Nicholas has his first girlfriend and she is simply lovely too.  

Movies, football games and hanging out downtown seem to be their activities of choice.

Nicholas has been a huge help in the kitchen with me being gone.  If Nik and Nana aren't cooking dinner, then Nicholas is.  He is really improving his skills. 

(I'm going to be honest...his clean up skills SUCK! But his food is delicious!)

And the love of my life? He's no bull. 

I couldn't be more thankful for his steadfast love.
Patient, calm and always knows just what I need....

(a laugh in this picture)

We're coming up on our 20 year wedding anniversary. No one else I'd rather spend my days with.....

Welcome to the dark side...

When one of our own is going into administration, we've all said it.  "You're going to the dark side?"  "You are switching teams?"  "You're going to become THEM?"  I'm just as guilty as the next.

For years, I have been told, "You would make a great administrator." Not only did I not know what that meant, I didn't know to ask, "What do you mean by that?"  Normally, I just smiled and carried on, assuming that my organization and Type A personality was what they were referring to.  I was always the one willing to take on any given task.

The fact is, when I started to continue my education, I felt a shift inside.  I know that we need to view teachers as the experts; even when they might not see themselves as such.  We need teachers to step up to leadership roles and be the voice for our students.  We need to reach beyond our comfort zones and start having conversations with school board members, legislators and community members.  They must be in our schools to understand the demands facing education today at the grass roots level.  I knew I could do this and was feeling more and more confident in my ability to do so.
When I earned my Masters Degree and Professional Certification, I did a lot of reading, research and paper writing.  I gained useful knowledge from that experience.  It was when I earned my National Board Certification, that I felt the true change in me and how I positively impacted the teaching profession.

I was being asked to look deeply at my teaching.  To question how I was affecting student's learning and to think about how I could improve.  I couldn't do it alone.  I needed colleagues, mentors and supervisors to help me understand the right questions to ask.  I suddenly realized that there wasn't one right answer, but there were a TON of right questions available to ask!  During this time, I found myself in the position to do the same for my fellow colleagues pursuing their National Board Certification.  I knew that I didn't have the answer to their queries, but I could certainly offer some questions to help them seek an answer.  I felt more "professional."  I knew that I had skills to share.  And I felt more confident taking on district leadership roles.

One of my high school teachers, who I had remained friends with, kept planting the seed in my ear.  "You are a great leader.  You should take it to the next level."  I thought that meant chairing committees, mentoring teachers and continuing to earn those clock hours.  I did all of those things.  I enjoyed all of those things.  But still, I just didn't want to become one of "them."

I've been doing this long enough (20+ years) that I have seen a lot of demonstrations of what administration means.  I take the good and leave the rest.  In fact, I'll be honest.  For the first 10 years of my career, I thought I knew what was best.  And I did -- for my lil' class of 25 students.  But I certainly wasn't considering the larger picture or the players involved.  That's what time on your feet and in front of those eyes does for you.  I have had administrators who were heavy handed, who were more bosses than leaders and controlling.  I've had administrators who stayed in their office, didn't have a voice and avoided the hard conversations.  I knew education was changing and that none of the above were making a positive change in education.

And then we got a new principal in our building, and I felt, well ... INSPIRED.  Inspired to push my limits, to look deeply at my teaching with colleagues and to dream big.  I spent the summer listening to and talking with a wide network of people -- people who work at the community college, people who work at universities and people within our own district.  The picture was becoming more and more clear.  Education needs leaders who empower others; who weren't afraid of tough conversations and who have a  vision of change they are willing to sustain.  National Board Certified teachers have been trained to do this.

I took advantage of leadership seminars, started reading books and looked into administrative programs.  I earned scholarships to pay for my continuing education and I am currently enrolled at Gonzaga University moving full steam ahead.  I know that the certificate at the end is going to be awesome.  But this journey--right now--is pretty amazing in and of itself.  I am meeting new people, seeing things from a new perspective and am taking this experience straight back into my classroom each and every day.  I am using my skills from the National Board certification process with purpose.  I reflect on conversations I've had, think about how it impacts student learning and am finding my voice in this changing role.  Teachers need advocates.  Teachers need to feel empowered.  I can do this.

I may be going to the "dark side,"  but it's my plan to light that side up with clarity, inspiration and hope.  What started out as a flashlight, has gained power and is becoming a flood light.  At whatever level I work at, I know I can be the change and continue to provide the best education possible for students.  Because at the end of the day, we are only at our best when we are on the same team with clear goals, reflective practices in place and effective communication.

I know I am going to make mistakes along this journey.  How I learn from those and improve from those experiences are what count.  It's going to be hard.  I'm sure there will be disappointments, frustrations and pure exhaustion.  However, I feel the responsibility to my four sons; my current 24 students; and the thousands of students I've had and that are coming in the future.  Ensuring the best education possible and having staff members that share the same vision because they are believed in, makes this calling even more important to me.

So as I heard this fall, "You're going to the dark side?"  I said, "There is no dark side.  I will always be a teacher, no matter what the title. I'm following my heart.  We are all in this together.  The only way to change is to have people who are willing to light up this team.  When administrators and teachers are leaders, students will always prevail.  I'm in.  Are you?"

Writing

Writing always starts out as a selfish act for me.

Something on my heart, in my mind and circling my soul.

Writing always gives back to me....different thoughts, tough questions, new friends, an angry reader, and a plethora of memories.  This blog is just one of my outlets.

As I've spent the summer going through boxes, I've found unopened letters, love letters and journals galore.

As I've printed out the years of this blog, I have watched relationships build, read how I made some people feel and seen my writing ebb & flow.

As I start to write more professionally and with purpose, I won't lose my voice.  Because my voice--right or wrong in your opinion is mine.  I would never write something that I wouldn't say to someone in person.

I think about how I've grown as a wife, mother, runner and educator.  Reflecting back on these pages is a learning experience in itself.

I'm going to keep writing.

For myself, for you, and for them.

As a wife and mother:  these words are for them to KNOW all of me.  I love my husband and children to the depths of my soul.  There is nothing that I wouldn't give for them.  As a wife and stepmother:  these are the values, struggles and messages that I hope you carry forward into your life.  I love my two "step"boys not because I have to, but because I want to.  I respect their mothers--the choices and sacrifices they have made.  As a runner:  what a ride...I hope it makes you want to join in.  And as an educator:  may you be inspired.  May you question with the right questions and always keep children as your focus.

Keep writing.