You can now find my writing at:

http://www.carrieaddisthompson.com/blog

 

Fellowship. Friendship. Someone to be there for you and encourage you though life.

As a mom, I was the first companion for each of my children. When they were babies, I was their source of nourishment and comfort. In the toddler stage, mommy was the #1 awesome person in their lives. Daddy was next. Siblings followed.

Eventually, they grew up and found other people for companionship.

For one child, in particular, that phase has been difficult. For someone who latches on, makes awkward jokes, or especially for a teen who can’t “read the room” or hold it together at times, those connections are especially hard. Hard to make, and even harder to maintain.

I hold that place of companionship for my teen when others turn away. I am the giver of advice and the keeper of the secrets. At the age when many teens are becoming self-reliant and mature, I find myself in an even bigger role of vigilant guardian of the thoughts and impulses. Not typical impulses, but impulses that might lead others to take advantage of someone who doesn’t quite understand the repercussions or the motivations and expectations of others that are the same age, but more mature in areas that guide the inner dialogue and outward behaviors.

As a parent of a neurologically different teenager, my role reminds me a lot of the safeguards and attention that is required for my toddler. It’s an emotional commitment 24/7. It is one that I really don’t even notice because that’s the way it has always been.

There is the human need for companionship and friendship with the trust and optimism and emotional regulation of someone without the average coping mechanisms, the capacity to put their own self-worth above the judgment of their peers. It’s a roller coaster of typical teenage emotions without the typical teenage level of social and emotional development.

We are in the process of getting our daughter a therapy/support dog. It is something we have talked about over the years, but didn’t have the space or time to do. Things seem to be working out to get this going, and much sooner than we thought.

Let me be clear: I am NOT an animal person. I tolerate our other dog. But, since we got information on a litter of Goldendoodles and saw photos of the parent dogs, and I have researched qualities of these animals and what they can be trained to do…their natural demeanor, and discussed the process with our daughter…. I find myself very excited. Confused because I am looking forward to meeting the puppy and in awe that the breeder will be able to evaluate the puppies to see which will be a good match for service and companionship for Katie.

I didn’t quite understand how I was feeling until the realization hit.

This puppy will be Katie’s friend.

Her companion.

He will cheer her up and give her cuddles and hugs and let her love on him as much as she wants. He will listen to her vent and lay on her lap when she feels overwhelmed.

She will go with her on walks and know her way home and provide an extra measure of safety. This dog will give her undivided attention and will always be happy to see her walk through the door. Will give her the opportunity to grow in responsibility and give her a sense of purpose, regardless of what activities or events are going on around her.

But, don’t all dogs do that? Well, I guess. And maybe not. It will take a specially trained dog to stay with someone who is lost and has a panic attack. It will take a special dog to listen to her among the many voices in our home or among chaos. It will take a very special dog to be able to run to her instead of away when she’s melting down and in a state of blurred reality. And it will take a very special animal to stay with someone out of loyalty and obedience rather than force and strength/ability. To not run or be wild. To know that this is their person and their first concern and priority. That other dogs and crowds and concerns are secondary to maintaining the sanity and consciousness of their person.

I don’t have to worry that this companion will give up on her. Grow weary of her excitement and attention. Will betray, take advantage of, or prey on her trust.

The bittersweet realization is….this dog will potentially be as much of a helper for me as it will be for Katie.

I know that no one can ever replace “mom,” but maybe I will have the chance to be even MORE mom and less support personnel. Maybe I can have a little more fun and a little less stress from being the main dependable and consistent companion in her life.

I am praying for this process. I am praying for a good match. I am hoping that all the ducks line up and it works the way she is anticipating. She already has a name picked out and is wrapping her head around the entire thing too.

This could be a very good thing. For both of us.

When I wake up tomorrow

I will still love you. And you will

Still love me.

When I go to bed I know that you will be there.

And when I wake up I know you’ll be gone

Gone to love and provide and invest in me. In us.

And when you come home I’ll be here.

I’ll stay here.

It’s something that I know.

And you know.

And that’s what it comes down to.

That’s all.

And that’s everything.

This week, I finally got the laptop out for the first time this year.  I have been uninspired and undecided about what to write.  I started a pen and paper daily journal and have been working on a long-term knitting project.

I do have a fun editing project that I’m working on, but I don’t think I can share anything about that yet.

What did I do on my Christmas vacation besides spend much of it sick or dealing with sick people?  I saw several movies.  Several years ago, Corey and I had a movie-challenge every year and we even started a podcast to record our reviews.  I enjoyed that project and hope we can get back to it someday.  It fell apart when I couldn’t hold down my own spit from being so sick with my last pregnancy.

I saw the new Little Women, the conclusion to Star Wars, and Knives Out.  I enjoyed all three.  I intentionally try to only see movies that I am fairly certain I will enjoy.  It’s just too expensive and time-consuming to commit to a movie in the theater that you might not like.

I am also working on my “mother culture” -a term I learned from my friend’s podcast: “Oddly Adulting”.  The pursuit of a productive hobby-knitting-has re-entered my daily activities.  I am reading “Home,” a memoir by Julie Andrews. I am also reading a novel, one that I will be re-reading and offering editing advice, so that fulfills the suggestions for book genres.  I am supposed to be reading to learn as well, but I don’t have a specific work for that category, and two books are two more than I have read in recent memory so it is a significant improvement in my reading habits.

Creative writing is back on the table.  I’ve had several ideas pop up in my brain lately and one I actually got down on paper in a flurry of inspiration.  Check back on February 14th to see that one. 🙂 There are a few things I wrote for school that I want to share as well, as the topic is relevant.

Seek out and soak up all the joy you can find each day.  It’s the only way to make it in 2020!

Is that the question?

It certainly would not have been a question when I was a child.  Santa was big.  Santa was watching.  Santa was REAL.

I was brought up believing in Santa, and I’m going to be honest, it was hard.  As a child who was timid and prone to nervousness, it was scary to think about someone watching me and coming into my house.  Home intruders and child abduction were probably the #1 and #2 of my childhood fears.  Wasn’t that a huge concern in the 80s? Maybe it was just me.

It was also awkward and embarrassing to have to finally admit when I didn’t believe anymore.  What do I do? Do I say I know?  Will they know I know?  Will I know when they know that I know?  Do I bring it up AT Christmas? Will it hurt their feelings? Does that mean I won’t get gifts anymore?  The whole thing was just really not worth the smaller amount of “magic” that came those few years of not overthinking or worrying about it. (Sorry mom and dad!)

When Corey and I had children, we went along with the Santa thing.  I even made outlined boot prints on the fireplace one year.  And it was then that I knew I couldn’t do it.  I felt like a complete idiot and I was anxious remembering the stress it brought me as a child.

It was the early days of “internet momming” and between mom circles and other sources I can’t remember, we came up with the idea of doing three gifts for Christmas and reading a book called, “Santa Claus, Are You For Real?”  In it, the story of St. Nicholas is shared.  The origins of Christian gift-giving at Christmastime based on the man who would gift people things they needed and bless them in secret, without telling them who the gifts were from.  We based our gift-giving on that principal and embraced the idea that anyone can be a Santa if they bless others with secret gifts without expectation of return thanks or gifts.

It’s not that I have anything against anyone who wants to tell their child that they can write a letter to Santa with all their requests and he will bring gifts on Christmas Eve.  I just can’t do it.  My personality doesn’t jive with the whole fabrications for years about something that’s honestly a pretty big deal at the end of the year every single year.  I don’t see the purpose in it and I don’t see the value in it.  It isn’t fun to me.  It’s stressful and anxiety-inducing.  (For the record, we also pretend “Easter bunny” and “tooth fairy,” so we aren’t hypocrites.)

My kids still LOVE Christmas.  They still enjoy seeing “Santa” and the pretending aspect of it.  They are overjoyed when “Santa” fills their stockings on Christmas morning and they bless their family with gifts they have secretly chosen.  The only difference is they know that there isn’t a person receiving letters and doling out gifts based on goodness.  Which leads me to another perspective.

I want to clarify that I am not trying to be politically correct or take away from other people’s blessings or fun on Christmas.  But, there is another side to this that comes on that first day back from Christmas break at school.  Or, that first Sunday after Christmas when children are excitedly sharing what Santa brought them for Christmas.

Some kids, no matter how good they are, receive nothing from Santa.  Or, they know what they’ve received is the $5 version of the $40 hot item of the year they dutifully listed on their letter to Santa or told him about in person. Other kids, no matter how horrid and rude they are, receive an abundance of gifts from Santa.  If Santa is real and receives your letter and brings gifts according to the naughty and nice list, then how can this be?  It’s just something to consider.

I also think it is easier to explain many of the Christmas charities when Santa isn’t in the picture.  How can Santa skip those houses and why do their parents need so much help getting gifts?  Why do we need Toys for Tots if Santa can just whip up some iPads at will?

It just seems like too much to start out doing, and then have to compound the stories when other questions arise about delivering gifts, technicalities, differences in households, the need for charity, etc. It’s also just not worth that “truth” moment to me when it all comes clean.  So far, so good with us.  Our kids enjoy Christmas, they pretend Santa, and all is well.  No complicated gifting scenarios and complete flexibility to celebrate Christmas and “Santa” whenever it fits our busy Christmas schedule.

I know this probably lands me on a lot of “naughty” lists among friends.  Like I said, I have no problem with you doing you.  I fully acknowledge that I am weird.  I have been labeled as such for many reasons over the years. I don’t think less of people who like to participate and do whatever they want and the traditions that bring them joy for Christmas.  My kids aren’t going to “ruin” anything for you, and my kids are perfectly annoying at 5am on Christmas just like yours are!  It’s all good in the north pole hood!

What are your Christmas traditions? Do you do Santa? Am I the most annoying person on the planet to you right now?

 

We just moved about an hour away from where we lived for almost 17 years. There weren’t any major tearful goodbyes and I really can’t say that a ton of things changed as far as our social life goes.

We had known a move was coming. I find it hard to fit into a lot of homeschool groups because I am not extreme in many ways. If you are a homeschooler you will know what that means. We have done a few groups here and there and there are several reasons we didn’t stick with it. One being: I get tired of people. Haha. 2. Everything was 20+ minutes away and the effort and time it took from our day wasn’t worth the amount of time we spent or the quality of relationships being built. 3. The teen mentioned in previous post had a difficult time finding long-term nice people to be around. Yes. Even in homeschool circles. 4. The last few years we’ve known we would be moving and I just didn’t make the effort to find a long-term commitment.

All that aside, we’ve had good friends over the years, but not any that we were currently doing everyday life with, except one who was not a homeschooler and who only had one kid my third kid’s age. Very easy to maintain that friendship in spite of the major week-to-week change. We’ve had play dates and have a sleepover planned because an hour away isn’t hard to keep up if you try and have two willing friends haha.

I have a lot of friendships from years past that have moved to online maintenance. We were close in the past and we have enough established history to feel like we can still be “good” friends online. The “oh we should get together” people, but really life has taken us on different paths and it just isn’t practical or, if we are honest, a priority.

I am blessed to have a sister-in-law whom I also consider a great friend. We do things together and we will hopefully get to do more things as a couple because our moved involved getting slightly more conveniently located for them.

There are a couple of friends who are mostly the texting kind. We text a lot. And maintain a pretty close relationship, but again, these were previously established before texting, not via.

Moving an hour away didn’t mean changing churches, because where we had been attending was almost exactly halfway between where we lived and where we moved.

Since the school year has started, and even before, I was looking at groups that we could become involved in. Our two oldest are 15 and now 17, but we still have an 8 year old and a 2 year old. Plenty of time left for needing support and establishing friendships.

I am beginning to feel like 38 years old is too old to make new friends.

The title of Mindy Kaling’s book jumps to mind: “Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?”

Yes. Yes, they are.

Does it bother me? Undecided.

I want to clarify that this is not a pity post. It is not a whine-fest about how no one wants to be my friend. It is not look at me and tell me we can be friends now.

It’s just factual observation.

I want to have friends. But, I’m perfectly healthy and fine with the friends I have. I want to make friends but it isn’t going to effect my self-esteem to not make more. I don’t know anyone here, and I would like to, but at the same time, I’m fine. But, yeah I for sure want to build some good solid friendships locally.

I want to know people where we live. I don’t want to grow old here and end up without knowing anyone. It’s a pattern I’m good at though. We lived in our previous town for almost 17 years and I can count really quick…..I know maybe 10 total people from there if you don’t count the public service and grocery employees. And about half of those people don’t live there anymore.

I am not part of the 38-year-old class of first time moms. Yet, I am not a part of the class of 38-year-old moms who will soon be empty nesters. A lot of homeschoolers have a similar dynamic, but at 38 they’ve become established in their career and life. They’ve built their groups of friends. They’ve become involved in a job or a church and they’ve built relationships.

I know these things take time. And I will admit that I am not the best at saying “yes” to invitations. We are busy. And my husband works a lot. It’s hard to give up weekend or weeknight time to building friendships. New ones.

We have a couple who we’ve been couple friends with since we got married. They are our constant. They are our New Year’s Eve hang. They are our couples date night once a year people….and I think we make a good group because they are military and have moved all over and are always long-distance. It’s easy )for us) to maintain that long distance friendship because it isn’t a weekly thing. It’s a priority. And, most importantly, the relationship is already established.

It’s almost like we don’t even know how to begin friendships again. Being available would be a good first step. But also, having people reach out or invite or say yes to your invites is vital.

And I totally understand their side of it. They already have their established friendships and it’s a lot of work and it takes a lot of time and effort to get to know people and we just don’t have time to get to know people. We feel old and tired and content with what we already have. I know this is all true and a big factor in welcoming us into the circle because I feel the same way.

I feel the same amount of exhaustion thinking about trying to join their circle as they do about working toward welcoming someone new.

There is plenty of fear involved as well. Should I host a holiday gathering and invite a bunch of people with potential? What if they all say no? What if they come but everyone doesn’t get along or it’s awkward? What if everyone does come and it’s too many people? What if everyone cancels last minute? Will they think it’s weird? They probably already have established traditions within their established circles of friends and it would be weird to try to be like the new person trying to butt in.

And do I really even care that much about making friends to try so hard? I already have a few friends.

But….we need some life people. I need someone I can text in an emergency. I would like it if someone said, “hey want to go walk around target?” Or “can -fill in the blank kid- come out to play?”

As much as I will be okay without new friends, and I feel less than optimistic about the probability of being successful at it with all our factors combined, I feel like I should at least try.

I’ve commiserated with my military friend about how hard it is. She’s had to make new friends everywhere they go. But, the advantage is she gets to start over with a clean slate. If it doesn’t seem like a good long-term match she gets to move away and let nature take its course. I know she’s had the heart-breaking side of having to leave actual great relationships throughout the years. I think that’s a good example of the adage “better to have loved and lost” etc etc. I don’t envy her the constant starting over though. I’m glad she’s been my constant through the years regardless of the others. I know that she’s made an impact everywhere they’ve been and she’s been a blessing in every friendship.

Is it too late to make friends?

I hope it isn’t.

I am not a naturally extroverted person. It does not come easy to me to invite people over last minute and I’ve been unable to host things for a while so it’s a new mindset to take on.

I am going to try. I hope to make some new friends. Bust up some circles. Insert myself into some lives.

Ha. That’s not true at all. But, other than waiting around for some other people around my age to notice me in the corner and invite me to play, it’s the only option.

Is there such a thing as speed-dating for mom/family friendships?

I guess I’m going to have to play the host and the inviter for a while. See what sticks and what doesn’t. It’s going to take effort, but I will pray for the right people to say yes and for the right connections to open up for us!

I would love any tips for making friends as a mature and established adult. What sort of invite would you be apt to accept from someone you just kind-of know, or just met?

If you’ve relocated or had to move to a new area, what has worked for you as far as making meaningful friendships?

I am open to all suggestions. Serious or not serious. Totally open for a laugh about this whole ridiculous topic.

Thanks, bye!

The other day, someone shared an article about the “I don’t” list that we all have. The idea is that women all have a list of things they don’t do and we should all share them as a show of support and solidarity. I guess since we have so many things on our to-do lists, it should be liberating to accept our “don’t” lists.

Here’s the original article: https://www.mamamia.com.au/i-dont-list/

And here are some of mine:

I don’t always clean the dishes before I go to bed. I fit all I can in the dishwasher and often leave the rest in the sink for the next day.

I don’t fill up my tank until I’m within 15-20 miles left till empty.

I don’t let my babies cry themselves to sleep.

I don’t iron anything except some of Corey’s shirts and that’s seasonal ha.

I don’t buy organic food. Unless it happens to be within a few cents of the price of the regular stuff.

I don’t read aloud to my kids much past the age of when they learn to read on their own.

I don’t keep my nails manicured or “done.”

I don’t have an organized linen closet, pantry, regular closet, or any closet for that matter.

I don’t return library books on time. Ever.

I don’t remember birthdays for people who aren’t my kids, spouse, or parents.

I don’t always make vegetables for every meal. Or every day.

I don’t wash our bedsheets often enough.

I think the idea is that you just own it. You don’t deny the things you don’t do and instead choose to give up feeling guilty about it. Yeah, I don’t have an organized closet. I might try to get it all in shape, but in the end it’s going to go back to its tragic and hazardous/crammed natural state in a matter of weeks.

Is this an excuse for lazy behavior? Maybe. But, I choose view it as acceptance of my natural tendencies in lieu of constantly fighting a battle with myself over things that aren’t life-making or breaking issues.

What’s on your “I don’t” list?

I had an interaction at church a few weeks ago that caused my heart to drop to the floor.  It wasn’t the sermon or a song or a word of wisdom.  It was in a casual conversation about our family when a lady referred to our teenager as special needs.

She didn’t say it outright, but she was telling us a story about an interaction her grandson had with our daughter and she said, “he was very gracious and kind, we have a cousin who is special needs so he knows…” and honestly I cannot tell you anything she said after that.

My mind was reeling from the realization that other people, a stranger, someone who had never talked to me before, would be confident enough to label our daughter special needs.

I mean, I guess she is.  She has a diagnosis.  She had some therapy…physical and emotional.  I’ve been accommodating her educational needs her entire life.  We sought out a diagnosis for several reasons, but one was so she could feel she had a reason for the struggles she faces…with emotions, concentration, social interaction, and physical delays.

But, it was shocking to me to hear someone casually refer to her in that way.  I now find myself coping retroactively with the heavy meaning of those words.

When we first got her diagnosis…Asperger’s..high-functioning autism…and the comorbid conditions of ADHD and Depression/Anxiety…. someone commented to me: “You’ve been teaching a child with Asperger’s for years. You didn’t know and you have lead her to greatness within herself!!! You’ve got this just like you always have!!!!!”

I felt empowered and like not much needed to change.  But, the two years that have passed since that time have been years when most other kids her age are accomplishing big milestones.  First jobs, driving permits, looking toward college.

Without limiting her, there are some things she just cannot do.  Like drive.  Her anxiety and concentration/inability to multitask combined with motor skills delays make this a serious safety issue.  As far as a first job goes, I have yet to find a good fit for her.  There must be an additional level of patience and acceptance from an employer to hire someone who deals with anxiety and overstimulation meltdowns.

And, this is where I feel not-so-special.  We aren’t special enough to be very special.  It’s mostly invisible. It’s been something that fit right in with elementary development…some crazy advanced skills like reading and writing and spelling…. and emotional immaturity.  It’s normal for second graders to have extreme gifts and struggle with concentration.  However, as the years go by, I find myself struggling with this invisible disability.

What some might say is just her being an emotional teenage girl with extreme highs and lows, I know is something more.  It is an actual disability…lack of ability to regulate her emotions.  I find myself qualifying and adding on to this a lot. Yeah, I know teenagers are emotional.  But this is…more.  Not a little struggle.  Not a slight challenge.  An actual IN-ability.

What some people see as someone who is weird and overly friendly…is actually a lack of ability to judge social propriety or “read the room.”  Not just an awkward homeschool student.  I mean not being able to gauge what is not appropriate to say or share.  And feeling like everyone she just met is her best friend whom she loves.

Part of this is definitely due to past experiences… when someone is friendly and then gives up on her (us) after seeing the amount of patience and acceptance is required to maintain a friendship…and ghosts her (us). I admire her optimism in not giving up completely on making friends..but it isn’t exactly the best coping mechanism to latch on to people either.

Some people might view my lack of response to a teenage screaming meltdown in public as indulgence in disrespectful behavior.  They don’t see the debriefing in the car and the counseling session that occurs later in the day.  They don’t understand that patience and a calm response diffuse the situation and no amount of public “dressing down” will suddenly enable a person with a lack of ability to do something to magically be able to do it.

The neurological effects of issues such as seizures or strokes or the like make sense to people.  They understand that a person might feel out of it, or delayed, or struggle with certain things after a neurological event.  But, there often isn’t the same understanding for people who have legitimate and lifelong neurological deficits that aren’t enough to put them in a wheelchair or require assistance with everyday tasks.

The thing is, people who have neurological deficits DO struggle with everyday tasks.  But, since they don’t have visible struggles, people expect them to act how they look: normal. 

But, they need help!

They need someone to calmly walk them through how to cope with the shoulder-to-shoulder crowd at the grocery store because the lack of space makes them feel rushed and pressured.  Often, that means leading them out the door and home. A person with claustrophobia will panic and rush to get themselves out of the situation. A person with a neurological misfire will panic yet not know what to do to fix the situation. They might cry. They might freeze. They might say very angry words to the person who happens to be with them in the store because they are so frustrated with themselves for not being able to just deal with it.

They need someone to talk them through the steps for operating the self-check-out (every time) because they are prone to give-up if they mess-up.  This comes from an entire lifetime of failure to do simple multi-step tasks that come easily to their peers on the first try.

They need someone to be their friend even though they are a little obsessed and huggy at times. 

They need someone to listen to their latest obsession with sincere interest and patience. 

Right now, I need someone to give my teenager the chance to get good at something without giving up if she doesn’t excel by the end of a normal training period. 

The invisible struggles of sensory overload are frustrating and maddening.  The invisible struggles of anxiety are, at times, debilitating.  The invisible struggles that a neurologically different person has are very real, even though they are only “visible” at times when they are triggered.

It’s the not-so-special need. That they realize their deficit but cannot control their response or just “deal with it.” But it isn’t so special that people have that immediate compassion and patience that they would toward someone with a visible or profound mental disability.

Believe me. Trust me. A teenager just wants to be like everyone else. If they could just deal with it THEY WOULD!

And the invisible struggles of a mom who loves her neurologically different child…her “special needs” child who is “not-so-special” that anyone would notice…. they are very real too.

This is the mom who has to accommodate her child’s education, whether that be through home-learning or fighting to get attention from the public school system.  This is a mom who has talked her teenager off some pretty frightening mental ledges.  The not-so-special needs mom doesn’t have a support group or charitable cause.  Her child exists in a place that is somewhere between “should be able to” and “just can’t yet, and maybe not ever but not for an obvious reason I can explain to you.”

It is a lonely place.

I have close friends.  I have close family.  I have friends and family who are understanding and accommodating and who are gracious and patient.  But, even they don’t know everything that goes into a day in the life and the nitty-gritty that it takes on moment-to-moment basis.  It’s exhausting.  It is a one-on-one need in a world where I need to be available other places a lot of the time.  It becomes isolating and makes it hard to develop new deep friendships.  After a recent move, I am feeling this more than ever.

And the siblings…the invisible, often overlooked siblings.  They have their own set of invisible struggles of making and keeping friends… getting the time dedicated to their interests or their own long and much-needed talk sessions with mom.  I say this with all the gravity and seriousness it deserves: The STRUGGLE IS REAL.

Now that I realize it is obvious to others that we have a special-needs situation, I am questioning how I’ve dealt with everything all these years.  I should have sought more support.  I should have been more open.  I should have, could have, if only I would have.

But, I am trusting in hindsight and the big picture.  I am hoping for a renewed sense of purpose as we tackle the next phase of life.  I want to make the invisible things visible so we can tackle them head-on and I want to reach out in truth to other not-so-special moms.  I know that I can’t be the only one.  There is redemption for every past mistake and misstep. There will be purpose in each detour or delay.

I am on a quest to find our tribe, and if I can’t find one, to build one.

In one of my first graduate classes, we read William Zinsser’s book: On Writing Well: The Classic Guide to Writing Nonfiction. I highly recommend it and I find myself drawn back to the essential truths in his pages concerning non-fiction writing.

I am someone who struggles with brevity.  I often talk in circles, thinking out loud while I work through what I mean to say.  One of the truths he shares is: “the secret of good writing is to strip every sentence to its cleanest components.”  This isn’t just referring to sharing too much information.  It is the skill involved in making sure that each word in every sentence is really important. 

Or, better said: It is the ability to ensure that each word in every sentence contributes meaning.  If you can combine a series of adjectives and adverbs into one word that communicates all you mean to say, then do it.  Instead of “This meeting is really important so that we can figure out what to do next,” say, “The meeting is vital to determine future action.”  Great writers, even fiction writers, can say more in fewer words.

It isn’t only for stuffy non-fiction writing.  Jane Austen, in one of my favorite of her works, writes:

“In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.”

A modern status update with this information might read: “I have tried to fight it, but I just can’t stop.  My feelings just won’t go away, they are so intense.  I love you so so so much you are so super amazing.”

It isn’t just the era that makes the difference in these two versions.  We overuse the words “just” and “so”  to make simple words like “love” feel more intense. Austen uses a better word…”ardently” to communicate the intensity of feeling.  We can change  sentence structure to bring Austen’s words into the present while preserving her brevity and effective word choice:

“I have struggled in vain.  I cannot repress my feelings.  You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.”

Make writing better by replacing any phrases or strings of words with one word that can mean the same thing.  Look through what you write and see if you have any words that are attempting to describe a feeling or action that could be replaced.  Maybe you have been thinking over something for a long time now  contemplating something.  Or maybe you worked so hard labored all day in the garden.

I will end with an easier tip: take out unnecessary superlatives and articles.

There are so many amazing ways that you can write super-great sentences in order to be better at saying all the great things you want to say.

There are many ways to write good sentences to be a better communicator.

Almost every sentence has an extra “the” or “in order to” or other articles that can be taken out without changing the meaning of the sentence.  I can go back and edit and edit my work.  I have taken out several extra words as I have been writing this post.  I am never done with something….there’s always something else I can take out, replace, or leave out.  No matter how many times I click the “edit” button and change this post, it will never be perfect.

“…strip every sentence to its cleanest components,” not to sound smarter or portray yourself as someone you are not.  Not to sound stuffy or official, but to command meaning from what you say.  Edit your words.  Contemplate your message.  Be known for purposeful conversation.

 

 

 

I am coming up on seventeen years of being a mom.  Is it weird that I still feel like I don’t know that much about being a mom?  I actually know a great lot of stuff about being a mom. But, I still feel like I’m flailing and failing as a rule and that I haven’t developed expertise one might expect from someone with seventeen years of experience in anything else.

After another weekend where I had some sit-downs and calm-downs and sigh-inducing moments, it occurred to me that there are a couple of things I do know about parenting.  One of them is the mantra: “Say Nothing.”

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When your child comes to you and states some shocking or enraging thing, the best response is to say nothing.  No matter how your heart may have just broken or how much anger rises in you in response to the thing they just revealed, just…say…nothing.

Saying nothing is not blanket approval.  Saying nothing is not letting your child “get away” with things.

First of all, saying nothing in response to an enraging complaint, accusation, or heartbreaking confession will go against what your child expects.  It prevents the whole *parent-rage, my parents are going to kill me/hate me/not understand me* thought process from being true.  When your kids are able to approach you and know that your response is not going to be immediate yelling/screaming/demeaning/disappointment, it changes things.

Secondly, when you say nothing, you will be able to come up with a better way to respond.  All the count to five and take slow breaths techniques will have a chance to take over the immediate knee-jerk reactions your brain and body want to exhibit.

I’ve had the best results by keeping my response, after saying nothing, to an extremely small and controlled, “okay….. ” or “hmmmm….”

What happens next is usually…very helpful information.  We’ve all heard the story about a young child asking a question like, “where do babies come from?” and after the parent has a mini-heart attack and comes up with an awkward and jumbled response the kid really just wanted to know if they come from a stork or the hospital or something silly like that.

Waiting gives your child the opportunity to explain themselves.  As much as we might think there is absolutely no reason why the child should have ever even considered fill-in-the-blank prohibited behavior, sometimes it turns out we aren’t all-knowing omnipotent beings there was a valid reason that we never considered before.  Or, they may reveal some pressure or personal conflict that needs to be addressed.  You’ll never get to see your child’s inner struggles or help them along in their emotional and moral development if you never hear what they say and listen to their hearts.

Even if the reason turns out to be simple defiance and disobedience, it will *never* be a bad choice to listen to your child’s side of things before pronouncing fault and punishment.  It doesn’t equal defeat or a loss of your position of authority as the parent.  On the contrary, I think it solidifies your position as a just, rational, and confident authority figure.  One who can be trusted and who understands.  Not one who acts on impulse and assumptions.

Have you ever lost respect for a teacher or boss because they listened to you?

OR

Have you ever lost respect for a teacher or boss who doled out unjust treatment before listening to you?

Has anyone ever gained your respect by listening to you and giving you thoughtful, calm advice?

OR

Has anyone ever gained your respect by interrupting you and assuming the worst?

Yes, children should respect their parents as a rule and “just because.” But, in my experience, the key to maintaining rapport with teenagers and really being an influence in their lives, is respect that is deserved and earned, not just demanded.

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It is never a bad idea to say nothing and allow time for your child to be heard before continuing the conversation.

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I want to reiterate that saying nothing does not mean that you approve or ignore what is going on.  It is not the end of the exchange.  It is not only step of how to handle hard situations.  It isn’t “Say Nothing and Do Nothing.”

It is a tool for allowing your child to be heard first.  Children are humans too.  Teens, in particular, just want to be validated and understood.  How can we do that if we don’t give them opportunities to talk to us about what’s going on in their lives?

If you are lucky enough to have a child or teen that comes to you in confession or frustration, they deserve your listening ear.  It can be your silent, then quiet response that opens the door for discussing a big issue.  If you want them to listen to your opinions and advice about big issues, then they need to know that you have listened to them and heard their struggle. And sometimes, the waiting reveals that it isn’t what your mom-brain jumped to conclude in the first place and you can all just calm down.

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As I stated in the beginning, I am not a parenting expert.  I fail every day.  What I have said here isn’t brand-new information.   But, it is something that works for me and something I have to remind myself of regularly as I navigate several stages of parenting at once with my toddler, 8-year-old, and two teens (one girl and one boy for extra credit/confusion points!)

I have other things to share about this topic, many other scenarios where “Say Nothing” is really the best option, but I think I’ve said enough somethings for today.  When in doubt, say nothing.  Not just a mantra for parenting!

Thanks, bye!