The Chalk Family

During the summer of 2008, we felt the time was right for us to begin trying to conceive.  Although we were told it could be difficult for me to get pregnant due to an ovulatory disorder, we trusted the Lord to give us the desire of our hearts.  We began infertility treatments in August 2008.

Shortly after beginning treatment, I participated in a Bible study by James McDonald called “Lord, Change My Attitude”.  One week he taught on covetousness in contrast to contentment based on Numbers 11.  In this passage the Israelites are unsatisfied once again, this time with the manna God has provided for them to eat.  They gripe and complain and beg God for meat.  They are controlled by their desire and forget all God has done for them. God finally grants them their request and gives them a month’s supply of quail so much that it flows out of their nostrils. As a result the Israelites begin to loathe the very thing without which they believed they could not live.  As they are collecting the quail and eating, the Lord in His anger strikes the people with a plague.  Psalm 106:15 refers back to this incidence saying, “He gave them over to their wanton craving in exchange for leanness in their souls.”  I will never forget the principles of these passages!  The Lord spoke directly to my desire to become pregnant in the form of a warning.  On September 18th the response I wrote in my journal says, “Lord, forgive me for all the many ways I have been or can be covetous.  I don’t want anything to replace a desire for You.  Help me to always have a desperate dependence on You, to be aware of my desperate state despite how things are going, whether good or bad.  I never want my desires to become an idol.  Never do I want to exchange my plans or desires for emptiness in my soul, for a loss of intimacy with and desperate dependence on You, Jesus.”  Then based on Psalm 52:7-9 I prayed, “This is the cry of my heart.  May I not take refuge in anything but You.  May I be planted in your unfailing love and wait for You.  Help all my desires to be reigned in and channeled so that they are used for your kingdom…Lord, we need and want your fullness in our lives more than anything else.” I shared this with Miller, and we prayed and both surrendered our desire for a child to Him that day for whatever He had in mind.

Much to our surprise, we got a positive pregnancy test on September 27th, the first month in which I took Clomid, and we were elated about the miracle God performed.  And every day and night we prayed over that child and praised God for it.  We acknowledged that this baby was the Lord’s and entrusted it to His care for whatever purposed He had in mind.  We had three ultrasounds early on at weeks six, seven and eight.  Each one was a sacred moment studying how much this child had grown and watching its heart beat and its movements.  We were so relieved when we finally were released back to my regular OBGYN for the remainder of the pregnancy, who commented on how he never would have guessed I would get pregnant as quickly as I did.  We had another ultrasound at eleven weeks when we could see arms and legs flailing and hear an incredibly fast heartbeat.  We heard the heartbeat again at my fifteen week appointment.  Everything was progressing perfectly.  We were feeling grateful to be well into the second trimester when the chance of miscarriage is slim. With our doctor’s approval, we scheduled the next appointment for Friday, January 9, 2009.  I would be just shy of nineteen weeks.

The second week of January approached quickly, and Miller traveled to California Monday through Thursday of that week, which is quite rare for him.  I could hardly wait for him to get home knowing our appointment was on Friday!  As I was driving to meet Miller for our 10:45 appointment, I began to pray just as I did for our other appointments. A friend came to my mind about whom I had learned a few days earlier lost her baby at 24 weeks along in her pregnancy.  She went to the doctor, no heartbeat was found, and she had to deliver the baby.  I just thought to myself how sad and bizarre that story was and how I knew it was ridiculous to think something similar would also happen to me.  But I continued in prayer that God would calm my fears, help us to see a healthy baby on that screen, and strangely, that we would be a testimony to the doctor and nurse in all things, in our joy and in the event of bad news.  The waiting room was crowded, and Miller and I sat discussing our plan for telling our families that night at our “Finding Out Party” (a tradition in my family).  We could hardly contain ourselves! 

Finally the nurse called us back and we began the ultrasound. After a few seconds, the nurse said, “I can’t see enough detail. Why don’t we do the test another way?”  I thought this a bit odd but complied.  A minute or two passed, and she spoke again, “Y’all I’m not seeing a heartbeat on this baby.”  She continued to look at the screen.  I looked at Miller and said nothing, only laid there praying, “Jesus, please let her find it.”  A few more minutes went by, and I asked her, “So there’s no heartbeat?”  “No, sweetie. I’m so sorry.  The baby is in a fetal position. I’m so sorry,” she said.  Miller began to cry immediately, and I shed a tear or two but mostly lay there in shock.  She made a phone call, and I promise my doctor sprinted down the hall to us.  His response was incredibly compassionate as he grabbed my knee and said, “This is definitely not the news I wanted to hear today.  I’m so sorry.  Everything was going perfectly smoothly.  Losing the baby this far along in the pregnancy, I am led to believe there is a problem with the development of your placenta.”  He went on to explain our options, and all of the sudden by nature of the situation, we had no time to process the news and were hurled into decision mode.  “You can either have a D&C or be induced and deliver.  A D&C may be less emotional for you.  We will put you to sleep, and when you wake up it will all be over.  A D&C is tricky this far along in the pregnancy, however, because there is a ten percent chance of perforating your uterus, and an autopsy cannot be performed on the baby.  If you choose labor and delivery, we will put you on high powered drugs and you will need an epidural for sure.  This will be more emotional, but you can have an autopsy and meet your baby.”  We asked a few questions, and then my doctor said we needed to call his nurse with our decision before the end of the day so that we could schedule the induction for Monday or the D&C for Tuesday.  He gave us a hug and said to call if we needed anything over the weekend.  I got dressed and the nurse led us down the hall and dismissed us out the back door. 

In a matter of fifteen minutes we had experienced the dramatic extremes of a slew of emotions, and now Miller and I sat in the car crying and discussing the pros and cons of both options.  We almost immediately agreed that the induction made the most sense.  I was shaking as we pulled out of the parking lot saying, “How in the world am I going to go into a delivery room and give birth to my dead baby on Monday?  I’m not ready to go into labor.  This isn’t supposed to happen for four and a half more months.  I can’t do this.”  Miller reassured me that I was strong enough to do it.  After telling our families the news and arriving home, we did not know what else to do besides turn on our worship music and spend some time praying and worshiping.  We made the final decision to induce and called to schedule with the doctor’s office.  Miller called our pastor and dear friend who immediately began to cry and who prayed for us over the phone.  We knew we needed to send an email to spread the word as quickly as possible and to ask for prayer.  Penning the email below and the ones to follow were excruciatingly difficult, but the Holy Spirit gave us grace.  Miller had to push the send button. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.  My heart and mind still had not caught up with the events of the last several hours, and somehow in making these details public it meant we must accept our own harsh reality, as if we had any other choice.

1/9/09

Dear Sweet Friends~

We went in this morning for an ultrasound and to find out the sex of the baby.  Unfortunately, we discovered there is no heart beat. We won’t know for sure what happened until they do an autopsy and chromosomal testing. The doctor says it probably wasn’t a chromosomal issue but there was possibly something abnormal about the placenta or umbilical cord because all the tests and ultrasounds were perfect up until this point.  We have two options… a D&C or induced delivery.  We have chosen to deliver the baby because it is less risky and the D&C will not allow for an autopsy to be performed.  The induction is scheduled for 9am on Monday.  I really have no idea how I am going to do it and am scared and so mentally and emotionally unprepared, but I know God will give strength.  Please pray for a quick and safe delivery and for our time as we meet the baby.  Pray that they can do an autopsy (slight chance it’s too early) and that we will have some answers.  Also pray for healing in preparation for another pregnancy.

We apologize for a mass email, but it’s too difficult to tell each of you over the phone. Thank you so much for your love and support over the last several months.  We know this baby was a miracle and a gift from the Lord.  We continue to hold life and all His good gifts with an open hand, for His purposes are so much bigger and better than ours.  Pray we will be a testimony of the Lord’s goodness in all of this for His glory.  Please feel free to pass this news along…it just makes it easier on us to not retell it over and over.

With love and trusting Jesus,

Kimberly and Miller

1/13/09

Dearest Friends~

We are so privileged to say that we are parents now. Our precious baby John Miller Chalk III was born at 5:40am on Tuesday morning and was 8.58 inches long and weighed 6.42 oz.  What a joy it was to meet him…He was just beautiful, perfectly formed and such a masterpiece of God’s creative handiwork.  We had a special time with him and are so thankful we chose labor and delivery instead of the d&c.  We are thankful for the caring nurses God gave us and that my doctor was still there when I delivered.  Our parents also held him, and we all spent time praying and thanking God.  We know Miller’s dad is holding him right now in heaven, and in that we can rejoice.  

Our prayers were answered that we were able to find out the sex of the baby and the problem right away.  We will still have all the testing done, but we can be at peace now knowing for certain that the problem had nothing to do with Miller or me and cannot be blamed on anything I did during pregnancy.  The baby’s heart looked perfectly normal but was actually outside of his body, just lying right on his chest.  There is no explanation and no way to tell on an ultrasound unless you have a 4D one further along in the pregnancy. 

Your prayers, cards, flowers and emails have been such an encouragement.  Your prayers have supernaturally carried us through the last couple days.  Words cannot explain it, and we have no idea how we have had the strength other than it is straight from the Lord.  Thank you for interceding on our behalf in a time when we could not find the words.

We want everyone to hear the same thing we would say if we were holding a memorial service for our son and that is this…Our pain is deep and so great, and our personal relationship with Jesus is the ONLY way we are able to get through this.  The hope he gives for this life and the next is what will give us true comfort and uphold us in the days ahead.  Someone made the comment that God has already used our baby’s life to impact this world and for His glory.  How amazing that the Lord uses each life no matter how big or how small.  We are grateful he has made his mark and that we will one day see him again.

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your love and support.  We will need you in the upcoming weeks, and thank you for being so available to love on us.

LOVE,

Kimberly and Miller

1/28/09

Dear Praying Friends~

We received our autopsy report on Wednesday.  Basically the heart condition called ectopia cordis is believed to have been caused by amniotic band syndrome.  The theory is that amniotic band syndrome occurs when the amnion, the closest layer of the amniotic sac to the baby, bursts open and the string like fibers contained in the amniotic sac come in contact with the baby.  The result is usually constriction of limbs or other parts so that the baby is born without a limb or fingers, cleft palate, cleft lip, etc.  In this case the bands caused constriction of the umbilical cord and affected Baby J’s heart and his left fingers.  This has all been a lot of information to absorb, but we are grateful to have received so many details so soon.  We feel that this is the best case scenario because neither of these conditions are hereditary or genetic and were no more likely to occur in my pregnancy than anyone else’s.  Nor are they any more likely to occur again.  Babies do not ever survive with ectopia cordis, and they have no idea what causes amniotic band syndrome…this has helped give us peace and kept us from wondering so much about the “what if’s”.  We will not receive the chromosome testing for up to 4 more weeks, so please pray that everything is in fact normal, as we suspect it will be. 

Thank you so much again for the way you all have reached out to us.  We have truly been amazed at the support you have provided.  Even though we have not had a chance to respond to all of your emails and phone calls, please know they have really kept us going.  Please continue to pray we will grieve well.  The days seem to get more difficult for various reasons, and we miss Baby J more than can be described, but the Lord’s mercies truly are new every morning.  Thinking about another pregnancy is scary, and it seems like such a long journey.  It is our desire to have children very soon, but the truth and reality is that life is not about us and whether or not we will have kids, it is really about His glory through us.  So may He be honored, whatever that looks like in our lives.

Resting in Jesus,

Kimberly and Miller

Miller sent this email out to his accountability partners three weeks after we lost Baby J. It was encouraging to see God had been at work in preparing both of our hearts for the news.

“Ok, this is the qt I sat down to write on 1/9, the morning before we found out we had lost Baby J.  I have tried to write this several times since but couldn’t get it out.  On the 8th I was flying back from California and used the time to catch up on my Bible reading.  Here is the part that hit me the hardest: 

Genesis 22:2-3 says, “He said, ‘Take now your son, your only son, whom you love, Isaac, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I will tell you.’ So Abraham rose early in the morning and saddled his donkey…”

The Bible gives no record of Abraham questioning God. He rose early and did as God had asked.  I prayed that God would strengthen me to hold my child with an open hand and acknowledged that the baby was His.  I don’t have the faith of Abraham, but I know for sure now that I really believed that my child was a gift from God and that my desire more than anything else was that He would be glorified through my baby.  Now I know He was.”  

The loss of Baby J is definitely the most difficult thing we have experienced in our lives and in our marriage, but it has also strengthened us personally and relationally. The grieving process has been very different for Miller and I as we were told would most likely be the case.  Miller grieved much more immediately after finding out we lost Baby J and worked through the bulk of his grief within a few months. In the weeks and months that followed, I was faced and consumed with grief, out of control hormones, depression, a body that wasn’t quite the same, infections, numerous doctor’s appoinments, lost tests, and unanswered questions.  I was in shock for the first two weeks, and it took me a year after the delivery to feel that I had fully processed the loss, meaning that it was a year before I became fully familiar with the various emotions caused by grief so that I am not as surprised when they show up now.

Not a day goes by that I don’t miss Baby J or that I don’t think about him.  Every time I see a pregnant woman or get together with the 10 or so friends that had babies the same year or listen to worship music or go to family gatherings or someone asks me how many kids I have, or I see the pillow our dog tore up the morning of our ultrasound, or any other random time where I unexpectedly get a lump in my throat and knots in my stomach, I miss him. People have asked if I have questioned my faith through all of this.  And my honest answer is no.  Honestly, it has only made me stronger, which is simply a testament to God’s grace. I do not say this in a shallow half-hearted tone, but really how can I question or doubt when I have hit bottom, and it has proven to be a working faith…THE ONLY working faith.  This does not mean I have not come to God with many hard questions or that I have not had days when I was not sure if I would  make through.  The truth is that we all face things in life that are simply unjust and that will never be understood.  We are promised suffering, but we are offered a relationship with a God whose character does not change. I have experienced the hope He offers, and it allows me to rest despite my unanswered questions, my aching heart and my deep seated desires.

There is so much more to be shared about our loss and walking the road of infertility.  I am working on another avenue by which to do that so stay tuned, but the purpose of this blog will be mostly to share about our adoption journey. (also see the page at the top entitled “Infertility”)