“There is nothing stronger than a broken woman who has rebuilt herself.”
The title is borrowed from a quote by Hannah Gadsby from her Netflix special, Nanette. In case you haven’t heard of it or watched it yet, I urgently urge you to do so. It is essential viewing for everyone, in my opinion. A quick google search will throw up glowing reviews, but there are no words enough to articulate what an important piece this is.
A comedian doing an hour long special, explaining her reasons for quitting comedy for good sure makes for unusual material, but as you let her draw her in, first shyly and then with anger flashing in her eyes, you cannot help but listen up. There are gems in there, and I wonder if there is a single person who will not find something stir inside them, whether they identify as someone on the margins or as one with privilege.
There are many quotes and lines that affected me, stayed with me, and I have watched the same thrice already, but the biggest impact I felt was when I heard her talking about self deprecating humour.
“I have built a career out of self-deprecating humor and I don’t want to do that anymore. Do you understand what self-deprecation means when it come from somebody who already exists in the margins? It’s not humility, it’s humiliation. I put myself down in order to speak, in order to seek permission to speak, and I simply will not do that anymore, not to myself or anybody who identifies with me. “
It hit me like a punch in the gut, because in that moment, I saw myself and what I had been doing for most of my life. Hiding behind humor as a shield, making fun of yourself before anyone else can and hurt you. And in that clear moment, I understood. IT IS NOT HUMILITY, IT IS HUMILIATION.
And she is so right. No matter what your issue was/is, too fat, too thin, homosexual, low self esteem…you will know what it is like to put yourself down in order to speak, and that is something none of us should be living with. I was the fat child who would make fun of my own body before anyone else could. Because it is easier to hurt yourself than let someone else do it to you. And before I knew it, it became a habit. Crack a joke, laugh and laugh and unsuspecting people laugh along thinking it is all good, while you bleed inside, not even aware of how you are humiliating yourself in order to find some space for yourself.
And yes, just like Hannah taught me, I am not going to do that anymore. Not once, never again. And I urge you to do the same. Find your voice and hold it high. You are what you have been looking for, all your life.
Love. So much love.
Musings on life, poker and the two….
TwinFlame’s new venture involving online poker has me completely enthralled and engaged with the game.
As I continue to spend more and more hours playing and trying to up my game, I can’t help but compare my poker journey to life.
Life is, but a game after all too, isn’t it? You win some, you lose some.
A pretty well known quote on poker goes something like this – You get dealt good hands and bad hands but in the end what ultimately matters is how you play the cards.
Another one that comes to mind is that the things you regret most are the situations where you were too afraid to do what you know you should have.(Should have called that hand man, I was winning!). But as they say, in hindsight, everything looks different. Isn’t that true of life too?
Everyone plays well when they are winning – After a good initial run when I just started playing and was winning often enough, I was also faced with the reality that it’s a phase soon to be replaced by losing consistently (gasp!). And that is when the truth hit home, as long as you are winning, you believe you are playing well. Much like life, when a setback forces you to concede that it’s all up and down, gain and loss, good and bad! And just like life, you learn to take it in your stride at the poker table .
Too much time and energy and money is wasted on bad hands. It’s always better to cut your losses – Well, I have shared earlier that I am a conservative player. I am happy with small risks and smaller gains consequently, but I prefer to be a safe player. It is the same in life as well, I don’t bet big and I don’t take “flips”, most of the time. I prefer to cut my losses as soon as I can and prefer to look for the next hand. Let bygones be bygones! Most people prefer less in exchange for a sure thing.
There are moments of glamour but most of it is a grind – I think this really sums up the hard work and beauty of poker as well as life. While most people look at and get attracted to the glamour part, they forget the grind that goes behind that moment of shine. And it is the same in life, one can look at someone’s success with envy and want the same for oneself, but it is rather easy to forget the effort and hard work that gets you there.
The game is not always fair. If I get a rupee for every time I see it on the table, I wouldn’t need to play poker and make money! So you were ahead on the flop, but by the end of the hand, you lag behind. So it is in life. Or the other way around. Luck shines on you sometimes, and leaves you high and dry at others. And that is how it goes!
Bluffing is overrated. Really! It might win you the hand but if you are in it for the long haul, you cannot get by only on bluffs. Sure you get your little wins here and there, but in the long term, consistency is key. In life too, bluffing will only get you so far, sooner than later, you have to own the game or face the music.
Whenever logic and intuition conflict you should always trust your gut. What we call the “gut” feeling is not overrated. In poker and in life, it will always have your back, even when it defies logic. Even when one is trying hard to build a story that is consistent with logic, more often than not, your gut is the one that can catch the bluff. Enough said.
The element of the unknown keeps the game fun – You never know what opens at the flop or turn or the river for that matter, all you can do is change and adapt your game accordingly. How is life any different? The unknown is what keeps it interesting and makes you keep playing! You can expect to be dealt a lot more crappy hands than good ones (followed by lousy turns and rivers). The trick is to make the most of what you’ve been dealt.
How do you do that?
By being patient, observant and prepared to pounce when opportunities arise.
And last but not least, there is a quote by Cem Arel that says “Poker is like life, most people don’t learn from their mistakes, they only recognize them.”
On second thoughts, you can say the same for all games that are not trivial and yes, learning from your mistakes is the hardest part of life.
Crossposted from here.
The “D” Word
At the outset, let me mention, I don’t think divorce is a dirty word. Uncomfortable and undesirable yes, but not dirty. Everyone’s relationship success rate is 50-50 and that is exactly how it is. I was going to write a post unraveling my thoughts on the sane and sharing some wisdom from the our journey, but I stumbled upon something better. the moment I read it on facebook, i couldn’t help but admire the grace in it and nodded along furiously, it comes close to what I would have written if I were the sorts to put up such posts on facebook. I’ll happily write on the blog, but facebook is not a place I feel comfortable declaring intensely private updates which I’d rather give face to face to family and friends.
That said, I am copying this public post from Nithya Shanti, who happens to be a public figure, and believe me you, I could have literally written it, and in more ways than one, it sums up the status for the Boy and me as well –
Relationship Upgrade
Today Esther and I upgraded our relationship from “married” to “best friends”. Many of you already know this. Some of you might be taken aback and even concerned. It’s very understandable.
Over the last couple of years Esti and I contemplated our values, priorities and intentions and found that our remaining married wasn’t necessary – in fact in many ways the assumptions embedded in marriage weren’t helping our relationship.
This wasn’t an impulsive decision for either of us. We considered it and allowed the questions to breathe. And finally it was clear this is what needed to happen. There were tears, there were long cuddles, and eventually there was a unique kind of peace and even laughter.
We continue to love each other very much and remain heart buddies. The day of the divorce itself (a better term is “uncoupling”) was the smoothest, most loving and compassionate imaginable. We laughed, hugged, reminisced, played games and went for a date to our favorite places.
I have tremendous gratitude and appreciation for both our parents for their incredible support and understanding of our decision. It’s never easy for parents to witness the dissolution of a marriage. I hope they realize our relationship is in many ways stronger than ever, only the arrangement has changed.
I take full responsibility for my part in this. There is no blaming. Only claiming 100% responsibility all that happened that led up to this. For any pain I have caused anyone, I apologize and seek forgiveness. That was never the intention.
It’s been an amazing journey these last six years together. So many adventures, so many shared experiences, learnings, so many beautiful friends we met and made, so much light and love and expansion. Even if I try, I can’t think up any regrets. It feels complete.
I don’t see this as an unfortunate development. Although I understand that society has conditioned us to seeing things in that way. I cherish my relationship with Esther. I remain committed to supporting her amazing vision for a more compassionate and earth conscious civilization in every way I can.
When such things happen the rumor-mill goes into overdrive. What happened? Why? Did you try this, or that and the other? All sorts of advice and projections and judgements fly around. If possible, see if you can replace such reactions with love and blessings for our decision.
And if not, it’s okay, I give you permission to judge me as you like. We are all free to respond as we wish.
As this chapter ends and another starts, I feel deeply grateful, I feel more committed to being true to myself, to sharing my gifts as authentically as I can. I also feel a touch of sadness. And that’s okay as well.
The highest in me bows to the highest in you.
Thank you!
If that isn’t the very definition of “grace”, I don’t know what is.
The Invitation
By Oriah Mountain Dreamer
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, ‘Yes.’
It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
Main pyaasi hoon pyaasi rehne do….
So…about the ex-friend I wrote about earlier, I dutifully sent report to twinflame and P, both of whom said that saying “fuck you” is not nice. I clarified that I wasn’t being nice and even in hindsight, I might some day regret the language but not the sentiment. I also added “please”, if it means anything. They both said “okay, you win”. So that’s something.I did wonder if verbal abuse over whatsapp should make me feel bad, but some message from dickhead that I chose not to read even and I deleted without, makes me feel alright. The burden of clarification is not on me, And I don’t want this stupid dance, back and forth.
And here I am, a few days after, everyday evaluating status, and realising I am not feeling anything but utter disgust, and where the profanity came from, there is actually more if need be. That person is physically making me sick.
I took the quirks of this person in my stride, but now that I have had a fall out, so many worms coming out of the hole. This other friend I spoke to told me “Good riddance” and I asked her why. She said that this supposed friend was belittling me and was jealous every time she met her.. Of course I fought tooth and nail for this asshole I left behind but she said, “even if someone simply praised a dip you made, she would say, oh cheezy, that’s all”, or if someone complimented you on your clothes. she’d say “Oh, a top over spagetti, that’s all”. I never noticed you all, my love was absolute.
But now that I think about it, hell yeah, she did have something horrible to say for every little thing I did. I never thought twice about it, but really, there were no kind words at all. Perhaps her own inadequacies surfaced with the criticism, but who belittles a stupid dip for nachos? One who can’t make one to save their life.
Time to call an ass an ass, and so if that person surfaces in my life agin (I hope not) , let’s call them dickhead. I have checked with mom and sis too, and they believe she was wrong, so I sleep well on this. So much negative energy, by God, I am better off without it.
I can’t believe I defended her, even today. Such a sucker. But no more. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
Honestly, FUCK OFF, and stay there. You abused my love, my friendship, my trust. Verbal abuse is nothing compared to what you did, so please fuck off and stay away from me, my family and my friends. I am going to tell everyone in my tribe what a dickhead you are and let them choose whose side they are on. Over and out.
Ugh.
BoHeMiAn RhApSoDy 
