Sad

I’m sad and I miss you

Reallyx6 Like You

Apparently when I'm overwhelmed with feelings for someone, I cry.

It hurts in my chest.

It aches in my heart.

And I cry.

Jesus fucking christ I don't even know how my body works. But this is how it is.

And I don't know anyone else who gets like this. Who will understand. Because even I don't understand. 

New

Never have I ever wanted to kiss someone as much as I have now. It’s really... overwhelming.

My body’s yearning but my heart and mind is still on guard with the entire world.

The walls are breaking, though.

Oh lord are they breaking.

Breaking Down Walls

Giving  my heart another chance again.

Opening up and trying to trust again.

Terrified but also happy?

Nervous.

Excited.

Not sure if I’ll regret bringing her to my favourite place, so early on but - it was a lovely night.

And...

My body really wanted to kiss her. My mind is terrified.

Feelings. Thoughts.

Taking it slow. And this is really slow.

Happy?

Really Hurting

God, I used to think the world was too mean. But now I'm starting to think I'm too fragile.

My friends don't have time for me.

My friends disappoint me the most.

I'm starting to think I have too high of expectations.

I'm starting to think I'm fucking ridiculous.

I'm starting to relapse.

I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm disappointed. I'm hurt.

I'm tempted to pick up the pen knife again.

I wrote this, a few weeks ago. Thought it'd pass. I guess not. So here it is:

Tried changing my mindset and it worked for quite awhile and I was pleased with myself, my progress, my self-improvement, my control over my mental health but the thing is it never goes away and some things still trigger me to overthink and go into minor setbacks like now I’m once again tired from reaching out and reaching out and reaching out but seeing everyone always too busy with their own life, with their partners with their other friends and I think to myself god what does it fucking feel like to be someone’s priority. Of course social media only shows one side but I wouldn’t be only seeing that one side if friends actually fucking reached out and talked to me right. I think about the past and how relationships have changed and for fucks sake there is never a constant for me in relationships, everything keeps changing people keep drifting and I feel so confused about myself like is this all me is there something wrong with me. Perhaps there is. God I know everyone’s busy, and I am too. But I try. And I keep reaching and when I changed my mindset a few weeks ago I thought, you know what, stop rotting on your selfish ass, stop feeling sorry for yourself and just keep being you, keep doing what you’ve always done - maybe this is just what you’re meant to do - to initiate and reach and give. But GOD it does get tiring eventually, no matter how positive I try to be. And I’ve been repressing and repressing and repressing FUCK no one actually knows how much I’ve actually changed. I don’t tell anyone anything anymore. What’s the point. WHO FUCKING CARES. Fight me. You can’t tell me people actually care. Everyone has their own fucking lives and priorities and sometimes it seems like I don’t fucking matter and maybe I don’t. Maybe I don’t matter. And this is how my brain works. This whole chunk of word vomit. And eventually it just boils down to me me me me me how everything is my fault I’m the problem and the only way to fix it is if I’m fucking gone and ok anyone reading this maybe you’ll reach out but at the end of the day it’ll all just fall back to the same old thing. FUCK. I can’t leave my parents. I can’t leave my dog. But I want to LEAVE and FUCK this - frustration is a huge understatement. Fuck the more I think about it, the more I KNOW I’m the problem. I’M SUCH A FUCKING PROBLEM. I can’t. But I can’t die so I repress and all is fine and I’m good and I’m so fucking happy. BUT I AM. I LIKE GIVING AND I LOVE BEING THERE FOR PEOPLE AND RECOGNITION ISN'T WHAT IM LOOKING FOR HERE FUCK THAT IT’S NOT EVEN THAT. RECIPROCATION WOULD BE NICE. BEING THOUGHTFUL AND KIND AND SENSITIVE WOULD BE NICE. I JUST FEEL. SO. sad. and confused. about my friendships. ABOUT MY FUCKING SELF.