Who the fuck is ever going to love this broken piece of nothing.
Friday, 25 December 2015
What Is It
There's something gnawing in my chest, in my core and I can't figure out what it is.
Some times I can't eat because worry and anxiety are drilling my appetite away.
There's a certain emotion I feel but there isn't a word to describe it.
My heart beats so loud and so fast. I don't know what's making it do that. Something's wrong. I feel off.
And some times,
I just don't fucking know why.
Monday, 21 December 2015
Trying To Explain Myself
You know what makes me wary? Conversation topics I have with my friends.
Topics between girls are usually along the lines of love, school work or the future. That is literally it.
We discuss school work, how it's unbearable and stressful and weighing us down, sometimes tearing us apart. We can't wait for education to be over and done with yet at the same time we are terribly afraid of the day it actually ends because god knows what we're going to do after that. Jobs, that's what we'll be having after that.
We discuss about how we have no clue as to what kinds of careers we'd like to have. Some have a vague idea, others are worried. We talk about how we'd like to be financially stable before settling down getting married, having a family. We laugh at ourselves and point out how we're only 19 but how we're also already 19.
We discuss about what age we'd like to be engaged, married, have kids. We widen our eyes when we find out people similar of our age have recently been proposed to. We debate about it.
We comment on the length of our peers/ acquaintances/ strangers' romantic relationships. We lament and sigh about how we're never going to reach that point in our lives, how we're never going to find our 'other half', how we don't understand how other people find that much easier.
We touch on our love for each other. Are we really going to stay friends forever? All of us? Who's going to drift away? How we have all split into smaller groups but that's a natural thing within a big group of friends. We confess our doubts about lasting friendships. We list the factors of what's causing the doubt:
Distance. Education. Work. Time.
I mean, this is just what I've had observed for the past months or so. These are the conversation topics I have when I'm with my friends. It's probably different between each group of friends. But I guess for us...
We're no longer all walking on the same pavement. Our paths have diverged. Some walk alone, others walk in smaller groups. We can no longer empathise with each other as much as we used to 4 years ago.
I can't even remember what we used to talk about before the reality of life, of the future, caught up to us. We used to be so innocently happy, naive. That's a feeling I'm no longer familiar with. All I see is us attempting to find happiness within the hectic lives we lead. Some of us dragging our feet through muddy waters and succeeding in reaching dry land, only to find out 10 steps ahead is a swamp filled with flesh-eating crocodiles. A few will clench their jaws tight and march straight on. Others will shrink back in fear, feeling helpless and hopeless.
There's a map I see. A map of life. My friends and I are dotted and scattered all over the map. Some in closer proximity than others. We're all finding our way, we're all clueless, we all feel alone some times. And that down right sucks.
I'm a clingy person. So I get sad. I get fearful. I get doubtful. I'm scared about the future. I'm scared about my friends. I'm scared for my friends.
You see, I... feel a lot. I think a lot. I care a lot. I care so much about my friends. Only some times I don't know how to show it. I don't like it when my friends are upset. My heart aches when I see them crack. I like making people happy. I try so hard not to annoy, frustrate, irritate anyone. I wish I could take away their pain and just throw it all onto my own stack.
I have issues of my own. I hurt a lot. So what difference would it make if I hurt even more, but in return for my friends' happiness?
I find reaching out hard. I don't really know why. Like I said before, I am clingy. I get attached too quickly and too deeply. But... I also pull away as quick. Or sometimes even quicker. When I sense rejection or annoyance directed my way, instead of confirming it, I immediately assume the worst and reject myself before they reject me. So... I disappear sometimes. But then I miss my friends after a short while. So I bounce back. And then I disappear again. It's a cycle.
Loneliness is a funny thing. I know I'm loved. I know my friends care about me when they notice that there's something bothering me. I know all that.
But I still feel alone.
Sometimes I think I'm expecting too much. I expect so much more from my dearest and closest friends hence I get incredibly disappointed when they misunderstand me, or when they don't even understand at all. I don't know why it matters so much to me - being understood. Right now I feel like no one understands me at all. Of course, no one will be able to understand someone else completely. I don't expect that. Yet I do. So when I don't get that understanding from someone, I get upset. So I pull away, again. Part of me gets upset with the other party for not understanding. Part of me gets upset with myself for expecting someone to understand everything. Part of me fears that I am wrong, that my opinion is wrong. I don't like being wrong. Because being wrong can mean being annoying. And I don't like annoying others.
My brain is one lump of complicated mess. My brain makes me a complicated mess. More like my mind, I guess. I fight with myself a lot. Probably an excessive amount. Every day it feels like there's an angel me and a devil me floating above my shoulders, shouting at each other, contradicting each other. And the actual me is stuck in the middle, head pounding with their words all swirled together. I don't even know who to listen to. I can't even really hear what they're saying because it's all in a jumble.
Often it's a dark voice that's dominant. It tells so many negative things about myself. It tells me... I'm annoying, a burden, fat, ugly, useless, incompetent. It tells me the world would do better without me here. It pulls my soul out of my body and repeatedly dunks my soul into murky waters. My soul struggles to breathe while my body loses all feeling and is just... numb. The voice makes me hate myself. The voice points out embarrassing moments in my life, making me cringe and want to bang my head against the wall until I bleed dry. I think that's what the voice wants. It wants to win. Sometimes it almost does.
Very faintly at the back, locked in a glass box, is a sweeter, kinder, soothing voice. I hear it sometimes. I can just make out what it's telling me. It tells me to ignore the darkness, to find light wherever I am. It reminds me of the times that I've laughed and felt good about myself. It tries to convince me that I am worth it, that I am loved.
But too soon, the darkness takes over again. It suppresses the lightness and grows bigger because it's angry that I am not listening to it. It tells me ways I can get rid of my feeling of unworthiness. Bad ways, dark ways. But the lightness pleads at me from the far back corner, to think about those who love me. And I do. I think about 2 people. Who have been there since day one. Who are the only ones who really truly love me. Sometimes I guess... If it weren't for them, I'd have succumbed to the darkness long ago.
I think I'm just really tired. No, I don't think. I am really tired. I'm exhausted from the constant war inside my brain. The pulling, the pushing.
Every year, this gets worse. It's been 3 years since it all began I suppose. I keep on thinking this will cease. But it hasn't. Instead, it's building. How high can I go? How far will I go? When will I collapse. I don't want to collapse. Though sometimes I think collapsing would be easier. And then I think no. It wouldn't. You see, I would like to say I'm strong. I fight when I want to. And I want to. I think collapsing would mean I'm a weakling. However, one can only fight so long, so hard, before she gets sore and exhausted. Before she gives up because she sees no improvement, she sees no point.
I don't think I'm there yet. I can feel it being close though. And that's dangerous. I don't like causing harm. And me collapsing would cause harm.
I don't like not knowing. Especially when it involves myself. I don't like not knowing if 10 years down the road I'll still have the same circle of friends to fall back on. I don't like not knowing if I'll ever get married and have kids. I don't like not knowing when people are going to leave me. I don't like not knowing if I'll a career that I want. I don't like not knowing if I'll be happy in the future. I don't like not knowing if everything is going to be okay.
There are so many reasons why I can't be sure at all, about anything. A few of which I can so blatantly list: My sexuality, my interest in dance and media, and the love-hate I have for the 2 countries that I am constantly flitting to and from.
And... Of course the self-doubt that never goes away.
I don't know what to do. This is the first time that I've put words together to express what's going on inside of me. I never knew how before. I never knew where to start. Speaking aloud helps, I found. I'm crazy.
I need help.
Topics between girls are usually along the lines of love, school work or the future. That is literally it.
We discuss school work, how it's unbearable and stressful and weighing us down, sometimes tearing us apart. We can't wait for education to be over and done with yet at the same time we are terribly afraid of the day it actually ends because god knows what we're going to do after that. Jobs, that's what we'll be having after that.
We discuss about how we have no clue as to what kinds of careers we'd like to have. Some have a vague idea, others are worried. We talk about how we'd like to be financially stable before settling down getting married, having a family. We laugh at ourselves and point out how we're only 19 but how we're also already 19.
We discuss about what age we'd like to be engaged, married, have kids. We widen our eyes when we find out people similar of our age have recently been proposed to. We debate about it.
We comment on the length of our peers/ acquaintances/ strangers' romantic relationships. We lament and sigh about how we're never going to reach that point in our lives, how we're never going to find our 'other half', how we don't understand how other people find that much easier.
We touch on our love for each other. Are we really going to stay friends forever? All of us? Who's going to drift away? How we have all split into smaller groups but that's a natural thing within a big group of friends. We confess our doubts about lasting friendships. We list the factors of what's causing the doubt:
Distance. Education. Work. Time.
I mean, this is just what I've had observed for the past months or so. These are the conversation topics I have when I'm with my friends. It's probably different between each group of friends. But I guess for us...
We're no longer all walking on the same pavement. Our paths have diverged. Some walk alone, others walk in smaller groups. We can no longer empathise with each other as much as we used to 4 years ago.
I can't even remember what we used to talk about before the reality of life, of the future, caught up to us. We used to be so innocently happy, naive. That's a feeling I'm no longer familiar with. All I see is us attempting to find happiness within the hectic lives we lead. Some of us dragging our feet through muddy waters and succeeding in reaching dry land, only to find out 10 steps ahead is a swamp filled with flesh-eating crocodiles. A few will clench their jaws tight and march straight on. Others will shrink back in fear, feeling helpless and hopeless.
There's a map I see. A map of life. My friends and I are dotted and scattered all over the map. Some in closer proximity than others. We're all finding our way, we're all clueless, we all feel alone some times. And that down right sucks.
I'm a clingy person. So I get sad. I get fearful. I get doubtful. I'm scared about the future. I'm scared about my friends. I'm scared for my friends.
You see, I... feel a lot. I think a lot. I care a lot. I care so much about my friends. Only some times I don't know how to show it. I don't like it when my friends are upset. My heart aches when I see them crack. I like making people happy. I try so hard not to annoy, frustrate, irritate anyone. I wish I could take away their pain and just throw it all onto my own stack.
I have issues of my own. I hurt a lot. So what difference would it make if I hurt even more, but in return for my friends' happiness?
I find reaching out hard. I don't really know why. Like I said before, I am clingy. I get attached too quickly and too deeply. But... I also pull away as quick. Or sometimes even quicker. When I sense rejection or annoyance directed my way, instead of confirming it, I immediately assume the worst and reject myself before they reject me. So... I disappear sometimes. But then I miss my friends after a short while. So I bounce back. And then I disappear again. It's a cycle.
Loneliness is a funny thing. I know I'm loved. I know my friends care about me when they notice that there's something bothering me. I know all that.
But I still feel alone.
Sometimes I think I'm expecting too much. I expect so much more from my dearest and closest friends hence I get incredibly disappointed when they misunderstand me, or when they don't even understand at all. I don't know why it matters so much to me - being understood. Right now I feel like no one understands me at all. Of course, no one will be able to understand someone else completely. I don't expect that. Yet I do. So when I don't get that understanding from someone, I get upset. So I pull away, again. Part of me gets upset with the other party for not understanding. Part of me gets upset with myself for expecting someone to understand everything. Part of me fears that I am wrong, that my opinion is wrong. I don't like being wrong. Because being wrong can mean being annoying. And I don't like annoying others.
My brain is one lump of complicated mess. My brain makes me a complicated mess. More like my mind, I guess. I fight with myself a lot. Probably an excessive amount. Every day it feels like there's an angel me and a devil me floating above my shoulders, shouting at each other, contradicting each other. And the actual me is stuck in the middle, head pounding with their words all swirled together. I don't even know who to listen to. I can't even really hear what they're saying because it's all in a jumble.
Often it's a dark voice that's dominant. It tells so many negative things about myself. It tells me... I'm annoying, a burden, fat, ugly, useless, incompetent. It tells me the world would do better without me here. It pulls my soul out of my body and repeatedly dunks my soul into murky waters. My soul struggles to breathe while my body loses all feeling and is just... numb. The voice makes me hate myself. The voice points out embarrassing moments in my life, making me cringe and want to bang my head against the wall until I bleed dry. I think that's what the voice wants. It wants to win. Sometimes it almost does.
Very faintly at the back, locked in a glass box, is a sweeter, kinder, soothing voice. I hear it sometimes. I can just make out what it's telling me. It tells me to ignore the darkness, to find light wherever I am. It reminds me of the times that I've laughed and felt good about myself. It tries to convince me that I am worth it, that I am loved.
But too soon, the darkness takes over again. It suppresses the lightness and grows bigger because it's angry that I am not listening to it. It tells me ways I can get rid of my feeling of unworthiness. Bad ways, dark ways. But the lightness pleads at me from the far back corner, to think about those who love me. And I do. I think about 2 people. Who have been there since day one. Who are the only ones who really truly love me. Sometimes I guess... If it weren't for them, I'd have succumbed to the darkness long ago.
I think I'm just really tired. No, I don't think. I am really tired. I'm exhausted from the constant war inside my brain. The pulling, the pushing.
Every year, this gets worse. It's been 3 years since it all began I suppose. I keep on thinking this will cease. But it hasn't. Instead, it's building. How high can I go? How far will I go? When will I collapse. I don't want to collapse. Though sometimes I think collapsing would be easier. And then I think no. It wouldn't. You see, I would like to say I'm strong. I fight when I want to. And I want to. I think collapsing would mean I'm a weakling. However, one can only fight so long, so hard, before she gets sore and exhausted. Before she gives up because she sees no improvement, she sees no point.
I don't think I'm there yet. I can feel it being close though. And that's dangerous. I don't like causing harm. And me collapsing would cause harm.
I don't like not knowing. Especially when it involves myself. I don't like not knowing if 10 years down the road I'll still have the same circle of friends to fall back on. I don't like not knowing if I'll ever get married and have kids. I don't like not knowing when people are going to leave me. I don't like not knowing if I'll a career that I want. I don't like not knowing if I'll be happy in the future. I don't like not knowing if everything is going to be okay.
There are so many reasons why I can't be sure at all, about anything. A few of which I can so blatantly list: My sexuality, my interest in dance and media, and the love-hate I have for the 2 countries that I am constantly flitting to and from.
And... Of course the self-doubt that never goes away.
I don't know what to do. This is the first time that I've put words together to express what's going on inside of me. I never knew how before. I never knew where to start. Speaking aloud helps, I found. I'm crazy.
I need help.
Tuesday, 15 December 2015
Lonely
I want a best friend too. I want that feeling of security and trust and loyalty and comfort and love. I want to belong.
Right now I don't belong anywhere. Just shifting though space and people like dusts in air that don't settle.
Exhausted from keeping everything in.
Monday, 14 December 2015
Still Hollow
I thought coming home would make things better.
I thought wrong.
I'm still as empty yet heavy on the inside.
I thought wrong.
I'm still as empty yet heavy on the inside.
Saturday, 12 December 2015
Year 2 Semester 1
This semester has been nothing but full of stress, frustration, annoyance, anger and tears. More than anything I'm just relieved it's over. I'm halfway through Uni - how insane is that. 3 more semesters and then I'm done. Trust me, I've been worrying about the end since the beginning of Uni. Am I crazy or am I crazy.
I'm switching choreography classes next semester and I am really sad about it because I loved being in the same choreography class with this lot >>>
I'm switching choreography classes next semester and I am really sad about it because I loved being in the same choreography class with this lot >>>
I'm going to feel even more lonely in the other class and will probably be even more quiet than I was. Whatever. I'll survive.
I'm very thankful for my housemates for making this semester a lot more bearable. Coming home to these faces everyday takes my mind off the stresses of Uni. They provide hugs which is always a plus.
We also had a cute early Christmas dinner together before everyone breaks off for the holidays and spent 3+ hours playing Cards Against Humanity. It was pretty great. But what was even greater was baking gingerbread men the next day. They became rather fat gingerbread men because we underestimated how much they'd expand.
My decoration skills are poor AF. My housemates, on the other hand are brilliant at it?!?! Look at superman, batman, ninja turtle, mario and luigi?!?! Crazy.
I am pretty proud of my emoji face though. Teehehehehe.
Anyhow, I can't wait to be home. Thank goodness for the end of Y2S1.
Wednesday, 9 December 2015
Tuesday, 1 December 2015
Chicken Pox Survival Kit
• itch relief cream
• lots of chocolate
• a good book
• a bed
• laptop
• phone
• lots of water
• music
• YouTube
• the Internet
• amazing friends
• hot showers
• cold baths
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