Burning

I think catching feelings for someone is like being enveloped with the flames of a fire.

It spreads, it grows. It's bright, it's warm. It stings, it hurts. It's scary yet exhilarating.

And you want to keep burning.

-

My heart is so fragile and I hate it.

I wish I was stronger, braver. I'm really just a coward who's afraid of anything and everything.

I hate it.

I hate me.

It seems as if I'm wired wrong. My brain short-circuits so frequently it's alarming.

I wish I didn't get knocked down by the smallest thing.

I wish someone understood.

Insecure

I wish I wasn't so insecure.

With my body, my face, my appearance, the way I stand sit walk run dance talk laugh smile. The way I think. My character, personality, mentality.

I wish I didn't see a thousand fucking flaws every time I catch a glimpse of my own reflection. Even without a reflection, the insecurity, self-hatred is still there.

Being insecure makes me insecure. Does that make sense. It's a fucking cycle.

I wish I didn't need people to assure me 24/7 that they don't hate me - that I'm still important, that they still care - in order for me to feel safe and grounded and like I matter.

I wish I wasn't so starved to need so much constant affection and reassurance and love.

I wish my mind would stop playing tricks on me - stop being such a negative pessimistic twat.

I wish I wasn't so fucking flawed.

People often wish for materialistic things; to have this, to own that, to meet her, to see him, to go there, to stay here.

I don't.

Not really.

I just wish I could change myself. Re-order my thoughts, compress repress till they vanish into nothing, so I could feel freer, better, healthier, happier.

Again

I can't even recognise what triggers it anymore.

It's like the floor just suddenly splits apart without warning and I'm free falling.

Tired of being broken.

Different

Maybe I was tired. But it felt different. It feels different. It probably is different.

Time does a lot to people, to feelings, to relationships. And so does distance.

5 months is a long time.

Once again, I am hit with the realisation of how lost I am, how stuck I am, how in the middle of things I am.

Having a sense of belonging is important to me. It grounds and settles my inner self. It pushes anxiety away.

But I am unsettled. That sense of belonging is no where to be found. Frankly speaking it probably started straying 4 years ago and instead of returning home it chose to run away.

My whole life has been been turning and twisting since 2012. I am definitely very insanely blessed. Please don't get me wrong. I lead a very privileged life. I recognise that and I am very very grateful.

It's just... I don't feel like I belong any more. There's not a place where I feel at home, at ease.

I guess that's the price to pay for all the amazing opportunities I get to experience.

I'm just lonely.

Alone and lonely - two very different things.

Lonely, is what I am.

Lonely opens the door for Darkness to enter. Lonely makes it hard to grapple Darkness.

And so I'm falling, sinking, drowning.

I don't know.

This is probably my jet lagged self speaking. But I'm not lying.

Tired.

Don't Know Why

Sometimes it can really hit you out of nowhere. You start feeling suffocated by people. You need to get away. You're hit with a wave of exhaustion. You start trembling. And your mood drops.

Sigh

When you meet someone and you click and there's potential for the puzzle pieces to fit but timing and distance is a huge pain in both bums...

It sucks.

Quite a lot.