Dear Chloe,
It's been 2 weeks since Valentine's Day. Since us ended. There a lot of things left unsaid from me that I would like you to know, if that's okay. Maybe I won't even send this to you. Writing it will help with my process anyway. Right. So, I'm just gonna write it as if I'm not sending it to you. Cool, here we go.
It's been 2 weeks and I think I'm doing a lot better. No, I know I'm doing a lot better. I haven't cried in almost a week. But mostly it's because I've been repressing emotions. Part of me knows that's dangerous and unhealthy as it'll only come round in one huge explosion at some point in the future. But I'm so determined to get over you that every time any thought associated with you crosses my mind, I try to push it away immediately. And that happens a lot. It's happening less and less now but not by leaps and bounds.
Mornings are the hardest for me. I don't know why. Every morning, before I even open my eyes, everything about us floods my mind. I'm not even trying to trigger those thoughts but the thing is, I don't even have to try. Nearly everything around me reminds me of you. I haven't really listened to music since Valentine's Day because - okay it's going to sound incredibly stupid but - literally nearly every song reminds me of you. The other day, I was at Nando's with Georgia and the waitress who served us wore the exact same perfume as you and as soon as I got a whiff of it, my insides died. Well, not died, or else someone is going to call me a Drama Queen but, you know what I mean. Now I've learnt that music and scents are such potent triggers for me.
It's hard staying in the house too because you've been here. You've been in my room. I remember you sleeping next to me. I remember you on my yoga ball. I remember you sitting on my bed. I remember your things at the corner of my closet. I remember you next to me at our dining table during Christmas. I remember you next to me on the couch. I remember you standing in the kitchen drinking juice in the morning. I remember when and how you first met all my housemates. I also remember your house. I remember your room. Us squashed side by side on your bed, which I didn't mind at all. I remember going to the park. I remember the castle, the swings. I remember walking along the canal over at mine together (also, I just recently found out that the canal stretches ahead and it's so pretty. And I would love to show you. But I can't now). I remember a lot of the things that you said to me. I remember crying a lot. I remember your hugs. I remember our kisses. I remember you.
I remember when I felt what I felt at different points of our relationship. I remember our first date and being nervous and Bills and Miss Peregrine's and Wetherspoons and Nando's. I remember Covent Garden and Hamleys and Starbucks (we needed to pee) and Wahacca. I remember Tate and walking. I remember everything else before, after, and in between.
Chloe, I was in love with you. I mean, I still am. And that's what I'm trying to pull myself out of - being in love with you.
I'm sorry if every time I stared at your face, it made you feel uncomfortable. But god you're so beautiful, do you know that. I was in love with your smile and your laugh and your eyes and your voice and your scent. I was in love with the way you live, how you love watching shows, and taking photos. In love with all that I knew about you.
I miss our banters. I miss your laugh. I miss holding your hand. I miss our snuggles. I miss everything. I miss you.
One day Chloe, I will no longer be in love with you. But I will always love you. I hope you know the difference because there is a difference. I will always love your person.
I treasure your person a lot. You... brought so much light and colours into my life. I don't regret anything. Do you? I appreciate everything that you have done for me or done with me. I am grateful that you came into my life. I want to thank you for being patient, understanding, honest, for putting up with me. Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you. Thank you.
You made me happy, despite everything that you think. The tears that I've shed are just... other emotions. It was me. And I'm really sorry for that. I'm sorry that my tears made you feel helpless. I'm sorry if they scared you. I'm sorry for upsetting you.
I'm sorry I wasn't right for you.
I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that you came into my life for a reason. I believe that you left my life for a reason. I mean, hopefully you're not planning on leaving my life completely because I still want to be friends. Do... you? Sorry, I know I've asked this already.
You know you said on Valentine's Day that you care too much about me to not see me or not talk to me. Do you still... care about me? You said you feel lost and need time and space, hence our separation. But I do need to know, did you lose feelings for me? Was losing feelings any part of our separation? It's okay if it is. I just want to know. And if it isn't. Then... how are you Chloe? Are you trying to get over me too?
I hope some day you'll be able to talk to me about your feelings. About how you're feeling lost. I'll be here to listen. And I do understand Chloe. I do. I'm not angry at all. You must know that. I'm only sad, and hurt, and in pain. Also scared.
Scared that I'll never find someone else. I know we're only young and all those crap. Trust me, I know everything that people have been saying to me over and over again. But knowing doesn't make this easier. Also, how can I be so sure that someone else will come along? The future is so uncertain and I think that's what scares me the most. That I simply don't, won't, can't know. But at the same time, I do believe and have hope.
I believe that someone better will come along. I believe that I will end up with someone who'll give me all the love that I deserve. I believe that I shouldn't have to beg or fight for attention, commitment and love in a relationship. I believe that if we weren't meant to be, then it isn't meant to be. I believe that if it's meant to be, then we will meet again in the future. I believe that you need to feel settled in yourself before you can be committed to someone else. I believe that in order to figure out who you are, you need time and space. I believe that time heals all wounds. I believe that timing plays an important part in relationships, and I guess this just wasn't the right time for us.
I believe all that.
But I'm still scared, Chloe. The thing is, I never expected us to happen. And when it did, it was such a pleasant, happy surprise. I never thought that anyone would ever want me. But you don't want me anymore. So I guess I'm right. Sorry, I don't mean for that to sound as if I was blaming you or anything. But I can't help but feel unwanted. But that's just me. Not you. Hopefully counselling will help me out on that. Speaking of which, they still haven't gotten back to me. I'll probably contact them in a few days.
I hate to be such a contradiction. I hate that I believe in so much yet I don't believe at all.
I guess we weren't right for each other. And I guess I don't want someone who isn't right for me. Yet I do.
It's so stupid.
I know you said me telling you that I was falling in love with you didn't scare you away. But now I'm thinking maybe I was too much. Maybe I unknowingly pushed too hard. Maybe I should've taken things slower, should've been calmer. But I can't help feeling so much so quick. And for once in my life I let my heart take the lead and thought why the hell not, fuck it, just go for it. So I jumped. No, I dived. And landed head first in quicksand. Now I'm buried under and every time I think that I'm making my way up and out, I just sink.
And I guess we won't be having a meal at GBK. We won't be watching Beauty and The Beast together. And you won't be coming down on my birthday. I... wish things were different.
But I will move on though. I know I will. It'll just take time and like I said, I'm already a lot better. Just the mornings now. Mornings fuck with me. It's like 3 steps forward, 1 step back. But I'm always making progress. Today was the first day that I was myself again in a dance class. And I am really proud of that.
God how has it been only 2 weeks? It feels so much longer...
We had fun right? I mean I enjoyed being with you and I hope you did too. We would spend days apart but messages from you made me feel less alone.
I miss the conversations we used to have. Cutting contact from you is hard, because you had become a constant. Thank you for understanding the whole fading out thing. But we're not cutting off contact completely are we? Friends still see and talk to each other. I hope you haven't changed your mind.
I put all the things that you've given me in a bubble wrap bag thing and it's in a drawer. What did you do with my stuff? Haha, I guess my flowers must have died by now huh.
Please don't forget me. You taught me so much. I really really really wish nothing but the best for you. I hope these 2 weeks has helped you at least a little bit.
And hey, it's okay to feel lost. You'll find yourself soon. And I'm always here to chat about anything that you're comfortable chatting with me about. I love listening to people. Please let me know how you're doing sometimes? Because I really care. But in your own time, obviously. Are you feeling more at ease? Or... I don't know... relieved? That you don't have another person to worry about anymore.
Hopefully me telling you things that are going on in my life is okay too. I don't want to bother you. That is another fear. I don't want to be a nuisance. Yet here I am writing this annoying letter to you. God I'm so sorry this is so long but I really needed to get these off my chest, out of my brain. To put these thoughts and feelings somewhere. And I wanted to explain myself because I have another fear of being misunderstood and hated. Please don't judge me for this long ass letter. Oh god I'm so scared you're gonna think I'm an absolute psycho. Fuck, why am I such an emotional person. Please please please don't judge me.
Do let me know when you've received this letter, if I end up sending this to you anyway. Writing this has really helped clear my head and calm me down. I'm reaching closure soon!!! I wish I could say all these to you in person but you'd probably end up falling asleep. Or even reading this has made you fall asleep. I'm so sorry.
I'm really glad we're still friends Chloe. I'm really glad you're still in my life. There are things that only you know, and things that I only feel comfortable telling you. And to lose someone who I can confide in, is worse I think.
Honestly though, I really am getting better. I really really am.
And I am looking forward to when this has settled, and we feel at ease with each other again. Then we can have that overdue hug.
Thank you Chloe, from the bottom of my heart. Really, truly, thank you. And also I'm sorry.
Speak soon.
It's been 2 weeks since Valentine's Day. Since us ended. There a lot of things left unsaid from me that I would like you to know, if that's okay. Maybe I won't even send this to you. Writing it will help with my process anyway. Right. So, I'm just gonna write it as if I'm not sending it to you. Cool, here we go.
It's been 2 weeks and I think I'm doing a lot better. No, I know I'm doing a lot better. I haven't cried in almost a week. But mostly it's because I've been repressing emotions. Part of me knows that's dangerous and unhealthy as it'll only come round in one huge explosion at some point in the future. But I'm so determined to get over you that every time any thought associated with you crosses my mind, I try to push it away immediately. And that happens a lot. It's happening less and less now but not by leaps and bounds.
Mornings are the hardest for me. I don't know why. Every morning, before I even open my eyes, everything about us floods my mind. I'm not even trying to trigger those thoughts but the thing is, I don't even have to try. Nearly everything around me reminds me of you. I haven't really listened to music since Valentine's Day because - okay it's going to sound incredibly stupid but - literally nearly every song reminds me of you. The other day, I was at Nando's with Georgia and the waitress who served us wore the exact same perfume as you and as soon as I got a whiff of it, my insides died. Well, not died, or else someone is going to call me a Drama Queen but, you know what I mean. Now I've learnt that music and scents are such potent triggers for me.
It's hard staying in the house too because you've been here. You've been in my room. I remember you sleeping next to me. I remember you on my yoga ball. I remember you sitting on my bed. I remember your things at the corner of my closet. I remember you next to me at our dining table during Christmas. I remember you next to me on the couch. I remember you standing in the kitchen drinking juice in the morning. I remember when and how you first met all my housemates. I also remember your house. I remember your room. Us squashed side by side on your bed, which I didn't mind at all. I remember going to the park. I remember the castle, the swings. I remember walking along the canal over at mine together (also, I just recently found out that the canal stretches ahead and it's so pretty. And I would love to show you. But I can't now). I remember a lot of the things that you said to me. I remember crying a lot. I remember your hugs. I remember our kisses. I remember you.
I remember when I felt what I felt at different points of our relationship. I remember our first date and being nervous and Bills and Miss Peregrine's and Wetherspoons and Nando's. I remember Covent Garden and Hamleys and Starbucks (we needed to pee) and Wahacca. I remember Tate and walking. I remember everything else before, after, and in between.
Chloe, I was in love with you. I mean, I still am. And that's what I'm trying to pull myself out of - being in love with you.
I'm sorry if every time I stared at your face, it made you feel uncomfortable. But god you're so beautiful, do you know that. I was in love with your smile and your laugh and your eyes and your voice and your scent. I was in love with the way you live, how you love watching shows, and taking photos. In love with all that I knew about you.
I miss our banters. I miss your laugh. I miss holding your hand. I miss our snuggles. I miss everything. I miss you.
One day Chloe, I will no longer be in love with you. But I will always love you. I hope you know the difference because there is a difference. I will always love your person.
I treasure your person a lot. You... brought so much light and colours into my life. I don't regret anything. Do you? I appreciate everything that you have done for me or done with me. I am grateful that you came into my life. I want to thank you for being patient, understanding, honest, for putting up with me. Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you. Thank you.
You made me happy, despite everything that you think. The tears that I've shed are just... other emotions. It was me. And I'm really sorry for that. I'm sorry that my tears made you feel helpless. I'm sorry if they scared you. I'm sorry for upsetting you.
I'm sorry I wasn't right for you.
I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that you came into my life for a reason. I believe that you left my life for a reason. I mean, hopefully you're not planning on leaving my life completely because I still want to be friends. Do... you? Sorry, I know I've asked this already.
You know you said on Valentine's Day that you care too much about me to not see me or not talk to me. Do you still... care about me? You said you feel lost and need time and space, hence our separation. But I do need to know, did you lose feelings for me? Was losing feelings any part of our separation? It's okay if it is. I just want to know. And if it isn't. Then... how are you Chloe? Are you trying to get over me too?
I hope some day you'll be able to talk to me about your feelings. About how you're feeling lost. I'll be here to listen. And I do understand Chloe. I do. I'm not angry at all. You must know that. I'm only sad, and hurt, and in pain. Also scared.
Scared that I'll never find someone else. I know we're only young and all those crap. Trust me, I know everything that people have been saying to me over and over again. But knowing doesn't make this easier. Also, how can I be so sure that someone else will come along? The future is so uncertain and I think that's what scares me the most. That I simply don't, won't, can't know. But at the same time, I do believe and have hope.
I believe that someone better will come along. I believe that I will end up with someone who'll give me all the love that I deserve. I believe that I shouldn't have to beg or fight for attention, commitment and love in a relationship. I believe that if we weren't meant to be, then it isn't meant to be. I believe that if it's meant to be, then we will meet again in the future. I believe that you need to feel settled in yourself before you can be committed to someone else. I believe that in order to figure out who you are, you need time and space. I believe that time heals all wounds. I believe that timing plays an important part in relationships, and I guess this just wasn't the right time for us.
I believe all that.
But I'm still scared, Chloe. The thing is, I never expected us to happen. And when it did, it was such a pleasant, happy surprise. I never thought that anyone would ever want me. But you don't want me anymore. So I guess I'm right. Sorry, I don't mean for that to sound as if I was blaming you or anything. But I can't help but feel unwanted. But that's just me. Not you. Hopefully counselling will help me out on that. Speaking of which, they still haven't gotten back to me. I'll probably contact them in a few days.
I hate to be such a contradiction. I hate that I believe in so much yet I don't believe at all.
I guess we weren't right for each other. And I guess I don't want someone who isn't right for me. Yet I do.
It's so stupid.
"I can’t forget you. I want to. I want to so desperately. And I know it sounds pathetic and maybe I am or was or am now but I don’t care because I just miss you. And it sucks, a lot because I know you might not miss me or care and I’m aware but I just don’t care. At least my brain doesn’t because I thought by now I would’ve moved on but I haven’t and I can’t and I probably won’t and I have to sit around every day and I can’t talk to you or smile or hug you or listen to you laugh with me."
I know you said me telling you that I was falling in love with you didn't scare you away. But now I'm thinking maybe I was too much. Maybe I unknowingly pushed too hard. Maybe I should've taken things slower, should've been calmer. But I can't help feeling so much so quick. And for once in my life I let my heart take the lead and thought why the hell not, fuck it, just go for it. So I jumped. No, I dived. And landed head first in quicksand. Now I'm buried under and every time I think that I'm making my way up and out, I just sink.
And I guess we won't be having a meal at GBK. We won't be watching Beauty and The Beast together. And you won't be coming down on my birthday. I... wish things were different.
But I will move on though. I know I will. It'll just take time and like I said, I'm already a lot better. Just the mornings now. Mornings fuck with me. It's like 3 steps forward, 1 step back. But I'm always making progress. Today was the first day that I was myself again in a dance class. And I am really proud of that.
God how has it been only 2 weeks? It feels so much longer...
We had fun right? I mean I enjoyed being with you and I hope you did too. We would spend days apart but messages from you made me feel less alone.
I miss the conversations we used to have. Cutting contact from you is hard, because you had become a constant. Thank you for understanding the whole fading out thing. But we're not cutting off contact completely are we? Friends still see and talk to each other. I hope you haven't changed your mind.
I put all the things that you've given me in a bubble wrap bag thing and it's in a drawer. What did you do with my stuff? Haha, I guess my flowers must have died by now huh.
Please don't forget me. You taught me so much. I really really really wish nothing but the best for you. I hope these 2 weeks has helped you at least a little bit.
And hey, it's okay to feel lost. You'll find yourself soon. And I'm always here to chat about anything that you're comfortable chatting with me about. I love listening to people. Please let me know how you're doing sometimes? Because I really care. But in your own time, obviously. Are you feeling more at ease? Or... I don't know... relieved? That you don't have another person to worry about anymore.
Hopefully me telling you things that are going on in my life is okay too. I don't want to bother you. That is another fear. I don't want to be a nuisance. Yet here I am writing this annoying letter to you. God I'm so sorry this is so long but I really needed to get these off my chest, out of my brain. To put these thoughts and feelings somewhere. And I wanted to explain myself because I have another fear of being misunderstood and hated. Please don't judge me for this long ass letter. Oh god I'm so scared you're gonna think I'm an absolute psycho. Fuck, why am I such an emotional person. Please please please don't judge me.
Do let me know when you've received this letter, if I end up sending this to you anyway. Writing this has really helped clear my head and calm me down. I'm reaching closure soon!!! I wish I could say all these to you in person but you'd probably end up falling asleep. Or even reading this has made you fall asleep. I'm so sorry.
I'm really glad we're still friends Chloe. I'm really glad you're still in my life. There are things that only you know, and things that I only feel comfortable telling you. And to lose someone who I can confide in, is worse I think.
Honestly though, I really am getting better. I really really am.
And I am looking forward to when this has settled, and we feel at ease with each other again. Then we can have that overdue hug.
Thank you Chloe, from the bottom of my heart. Really, truly, thank you. And also I'm sorry.
Speak soon.
