Still

It's sour and my throat tightens and my eyes, they burn.

My lungs feel like they're filled with water and I can't breathe and I'm drowning in the past. Maybe I like drowning. It's familiar; comfortable, even. I know I need to swim back up to the surface. I want to. But I'm a coward and I fear the future. I don't want my heart to be broken again. I don't want my soul to be crushed anymore. But here I am, still impatiently waiting for death.

Swallow me whole and make me numb.

Anesthesia

Someone please put me under general anesthesia and then kill me. I'm tired of this world. I'm tired of me. I'm trying so hard to stay strong, to keep going but it's like I'm not made for this place. I don't belong here. I'm so fragile. I hate myself for it. And I went to leave. It's the best for everyone, especially me. I don't want to hurt anymore. I want a painless suicide. There, I said it. I quite like the idea of general anesthesia so I can have some control and know when I'm going. I'll have time to say good bye. But where can I attain some anesthetics.

I should start drafting up my will and my note.

Still Miss You

"I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how. I've never heard silence quite this loud."
- T.S.

I do. I do miss you Chloe. I don't miss the relationship anymore. I miss your person. I want to hang out. I want to talk to you. I just want to talk.

But I know you don't miss me.

Stupid

It's so stupid how I can no longer enjoy the things I used to love. Like emotional songs and romantic films. I have been avoiding anything that makes my heart ache, even if it's only a slight tremor. Because I can't handle it. I can't afford to feel anything that isn't happy anymore. My heart's been aching for so long and I've been crying for so long, I don't want to anymore. I am tired. 

I am avoiding feelings like a plaque. 

And it is a shame because I loved feeling. It was a huge part of who I was. The girl who felt everything. Now I can't because I if I do, I'll break. I'm still here trying to hold up every inch of strength left inside of me. It's so incredibly hard and testing but I'm still here. I am battered but I am still here, crawling along. It counts for something, doesn't it?

It's so stupid.

I'm so stupid.