It's Over

"It's over," Charlotte says.

I stare at her. I swallow.

"Um," I say.

"It's time for you to accept it. She was your first love. That's a huge deal. And I know how much she's meant to you, and that it isn't easy to accept that it's over. But it is. It's over."

Tears rush in without warning.

"Okay, I take it back," I say. "I'd rather just hear about how much you hate her."

"Em," she says. "You did a really good job of loving her. You put up with all her bullshit. You were a really good girlfriend. And now it's time for you to find someone who will love you back."

She scoots closer to me and grabs my hand. She waits for me to look at her.

"I'm sorry I made you cry," she says. "But you really need to hear this."

I nod.

"It's over," she says, once more. "Okay?"

"Okay," I whisper, but I don't really know what I'm agreeing to.


- excerpt from Everything Leads To You by Nina LaCour

At The End of The Day

No one cares.

I’m just here struggling on my own.

Everyone else has other priorities, other outlets - be it partners or families or other friends.

But me. I depend so heavily on my friends and that’s an issue. They’re all I have. But I’m not all they have.

And god, some times I just want to be someone’s first fucking choice.

Right now, I just feel so alone, uncared for.

Makes me want to cut, to jump, to drown, to crash, to die.

Because I don’t feel like I matter. I don’t matter enough.

Enough, is the key word.

I know everyone’s busy. But I just-

I’m so alone.

So. Fucking. Alone.

Happy Birthday, C

I still remember the date. I wish I didn't.

Because you didn't remember mine. Or, you didn't care enough to show that you did. I don't blame you. Why would you want to wish someone you no longer care about, a happy birthday?

Here we are again, you probably feeling all kinds of joy and me... drowning in unwanted thoughts and feelings.

It still hurts - you cutting me out of your life like that. Like I don't/ never mattered.

But then again, I don't blame you.

"All your fault all your fault all your fault all your fault all your fault all your fault all your fault."

My brain's still convinced and keeps chanting that to me.

No one else to blame but me.

Me.

It's always me.

Me me me me me me me me.

I can't do anything right.

I'm still hurting.