charlienme

-could be heard all around the world last night. At around 8 p.m. Did you hear it? Then, the OH.MY.GAWDED! Did you hear that? I wouldn’t be surprised if you did. If you were sitting around watching TV and wondered what that sound was that was it.

The reason being? Oh, you know I’m gonna tell you –

It has FINALLY come to fruition that Louise is going to “make-her-way-back-to-Ar-Kansas”. (I’ve heard it so many times the last three years it’s become a mantra, a saying, a theme, a something, we don’t know exactly but it’s there. For some of us it’s been a thorn in the side or a cause of GREAT frustration. (Ellen, me) for others a thing to ponder (Cindy, Charlie) a “When do you think she’s going to leave?” and “If they’re not getting along then she should leave.” AND “Well, she’ll leave when she leaves.”

Me – “I will believe it when I see the U-haul pulling out of the driveway.”

Seriously.

But, we were fooled and are fools believing that it could possibly be true. That she is leaving. Riiiiiight.

Yesterday, I got a message from Ellen on FB asking what Charlie and I were up to this weekend. I replied with the standard “I’m working” and she replied with two interesting paragraphs of saying that Charlie’s ex [Big Mac] was going to be in town on Sunday staying with her and going back to Florida on Monday. She had been up here seeing our friends, Gwyneth and Cathy and interviewed for a job (that she didn’t get) and was stopping in at Ellen’s on the way out of town.

Then – “Louise is packing up and leaving mid-week next week so I imagine I will have to help her pack.”

I about fell out of my chair. When I recovered,  I asked if she was driving her back to Ar-Kansas (like she’s done in the past 3 or 4 times – and please let’s not wonder why she’s always come back all these times.) I asked if she was getting a u-haul truck and towing her truck back or just pulling one behind. She replied just a pull behind and, no, she wasn’t driving her back that Louise didn’t ask and she wasn’t offering.

Storm clouds moving in – this was going to get ugly, I could tell. Normally, Ellen has always been supportive despite Louise’s difficult nature. She’s always been patient with her and said despite them not working (I mean, what’s not to work, right?) she needs to move on and Louise needs to “make-her-way-back…..” (not even going to finish that – you get the gist.)

All I want to say is “and, this is a shock to you why? I mean, this has been going on for THREE YEARS!” But, I say nothing. I’ve said nothing since this time when I became the bad guy.

I had to practically bite my fingers off from typing “are you sure she can get all her stuff in one little pull-behind uhaul?” and “she has a lot of stuff – enough to call YOU the hoarder.” and, of course the “It’s about time!” But, I didn’t.

I did say that maybe Big Mac could help Louise pack up  (since they were bosom best friends since this time, I thought) Ellen replied with her standard 😉

SO, fast forward to last night. Charlie had a tough day but came home with some great news and I decided that we needed a night out at our fav mexican place. There was jazz going on that night in the neighborhood and Cindy was coming down to join some friends to listen. Charlie and I were sitting at the bar just having split some nachos and having beers when Cindy dropped in to chat a bit before she went over to jazz. We had promised to head over when we got our last margarita and catch up with her and some others. She had no more left the bar and I’d ordered our margarita when a text came in from Ellen saying,

“It looks like Louise is not going until the 20th or 22nd UGH!” (Like ;-), Ugh is another texting Ellenism -the girl can practically have entire texting conversations using those too things.)

Enter – collective sigh around the whole world and then the OH MY….and then me furiously texting Cindy saying Louise is aborting, abort, abort, NO SURPRISE and Charlie texting Ellen “Why?” and “Are you ok?”

Radio silence from Ellen.

We found Cindy and started telling her about the Louise debacle despite her friends, Lisa last-name-that’s-the-type-of-a-cow (and, the only reason I can remember it) and her new gf Val.

Cindy fell back into ponder mode, “Well, I wonder what happened and I guess she’ll leave sometime.”

Charlie had had it, I could tell she was like “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” and pissed. She had gone over to the frustrated side but I had started to leave that side to the hopeless side, the I-will-believe-it-when-the-uhaul-pulls-out side.

“Wonder why she’s not responding”

We were all checking our phones because we all texted her. (She probably then concluded that we were all together and drinking and, then, it wasn’t lost on all of us to wonder WHY she wasn’t there drinking with us. Ellen acts like it’s so unheard of to go out and party with friends without Louise even though she doesn’t want to be with her and wants her out)

“Maybe they’re having it out right now. Maybe Ellen is yelling ‘GET OUT’.” me

That got a laugh out of all of us because none of us could imagine Ellen doing that.

I texted Ellen and said, “You know you have my permission to tell her to leave this week.”

Ellen finally texted back that it was ok, really and that Louise had two.more. doctors appointments left that she had to go to and that they were leveling out her medicine and it was important that she go to these.

“What-the-F*ck-ever! She could have done this sh*t MONTHS ago!” Charlie

“She’s been stalling, we all know that.” Me

“Well, she’ll leave sometime.” Cindy

We both turned to her and said, “Really, Cindy?! Gawd!”

We all ended up at the bar again drinking and discussing the Ellen/Louise/move out situation.

“I just can’t believe it!”

“Oh, I can.” me

“Maybe we should just go over there and do an intervention.”

After all of us looking at our drinks we said, “Nah.” in unison.

It’s not lost on any of us that Louise could have checked out the doctor appointment situation before announcing that she was leaving mid-week instead of coming back later and saying “oops, no not until the 20th or 22nd. now.”

It’s a huge letdown for all of us. I was looking forward to having my friend back. I was even considering throwing a party. I was definitely planning on having her over for dinner many nights. I think Cindy had other plans.

To be continued…….

So, after the Peachtree and getting the water heater hooked up and finally taking a HOT shower we had some peeps over for a party. This included Ellen and Louise, Cindy, the two lesbians up the street, Carla and her new gf Haggis and of course, Charlie’s son and daughter-in-law. We had quite a crowd for it pouring down rain outside. I had wiped off chairs and pulled them into the carport and we listened to music, drank and carried on. We had a feast 0f pork butt, London broil and chicken along with that bean salad, a great melon salad that Ellen brought over, spicy slaw, macaroni and potato salad.

Carla’s new gf, Haggis was a trip. Carla typically dates these women that have to be the life of the party. I thought the only difference between this one and the last was the nationality (the one before was Irish and she hated that she drank all the time – go figure. This one is Scottish but doesn’t drink but acts like she drunk.) and cup size.  I thought this one slightly more likeable than the last but I was not overly won over – especially since she went around sticking her boobs in everyone’s face including Charlie’s. At least she kept Louise company because I’ve decided that I will only tolerate Louise but I don’t have to engage her. I initially acknowledge her upon arrival and then forget she exists.

I can’t believe Ellen is still dragging her around but wasn’t complaining too much because the last two races we did together Louise stayed home. The party wore on and next thing you know Charlie’s face down on the bed and I’m taking her shoes and pants off and tucking her in. Cindy and Ellen were out on the porch having an intense discussion – Cindy likes Ellen and like us all, wants Louise out of the picture. I came out and accidentally interrupted but nothing was going to happen as Louise was sulking in the chair playing some game on her phone. She’d been doing this since Haggis and Carla left. Fine with me – she was never the life of the party anyway – the life of anything for that matter.

Ellen got up and mumbled something about taking grumpy[ Louise] home and we said goodbye. Cindy sat back down and we continued drinking. I asked  her what her and Ellen were talking about.

“I asked her about her and Louise. I said that it didn’t seem they were a couple. There was no affection or anything.”

“Duh, Cindy. I mean this is been going on for how long?”

“Well, she said that Louise needed to make her way back to Arkansas.”

“My Gawd, this is still going on?! I mean, what the hale?!”

“I know. I could understand if they were in love and she was taking care of her but I don’t know…..”

“Well, all I know is that it’s Ellen’s problem not ours.”

The next day Ellen came over to take us all to hike Stone Mountain without Louise.

“Louise is not awake enough this morning to go.”

Good, because there would have been no way we would have all fit in the car with her here. We were taking Ellen’s car because she had a pass to get in to the park.

“She was a bit of a grump last night.”

I ignored it. I wasn’t about to take on that subject again. I’ve said my piece and I’m done. She’s on her own as far as I’m concerned. Charlie and I have enjoyed her company one on one whenever we can get it.

Ellen was meeting her trainer on the mountain to do their run up it. She’s lost quite a bit of weight since she’s been working out with her. I knew Ellen’s trainer, in fact had gone out on lousy a date with her once. It was years ago pre-Lee that I met this girl at Pride. She was a vegan, massage therapist. At the time I had had no luck with massage therapists (however, that’s changed since Charlie’s a massage therapist). We had agreed to go out to a restaurant nearby because she said they had the best vegan dishes. Whatever, I was just glad they had beer. We sat at this table outside and ordered drinks and talked.

“So, you’re a vegetarian, huh?”

“Yes, I don’t eat any meat what-so-ever.”

“For political reasons or health?”

“Well, mostly health but I don’t want to eat anything with a face. Especially pork.”

“Hmm, well ok.”

It was a pet peeve of mine when vegetarians said “anything with a face.” I mean, cows have faces but are stupid as sh*t so what the f*ck are you meant to do with them unless you eat them? I mean, I guess you could stick them in a field and collect ‘shroom’s’ from their poop and get high…..a thought. I was thinking this and staring at a red flag that had just popped up. In my mind it was the kid in the back of the room with his hand raised saying ‘pick me, me, me!’

“By the way those brussel sprouts look lovely.”

She was English, had an accent and did what some English people do saying every other sentence about something is “lovely, simply lovely”. Another flag shot up at the back of the room.

“Would you like a bite?”

“Yes, I would.”

I moved the plate closer to hers and she forked up a bite and ate it.

“Mmm, that is lovely.”

It was then that I realized that they had put bits of bacon in the Brussels. I mean, she says she’s vegetarian but can’t tell that there’s BACON in something? Is her taste buds dead from all the vegetables? I started laughing and put my head in my hands shaking my head.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. It’s that the reason they were so lovely is because they had BACON in them.”

“Oh.My.God. I can’t believe you made me eat that!”

“MADE you? I didn’t make you eat anything.”

Stupid b*tch, can’t even tell there’s bacon in something, I thought.

Vrrromp, vrromp, perooomp, rrrrrromp! Flags shooting up all over the place. ME, ME, ME, ME!

So, you can imagine how the date went after that – and, I did order the pork chop that night.  

Ellen knew the story but had never let on to her that I was the same Lanie that she knew previously. The carnivore that made her eat BACON.

Once on the mountain Kate-the-vegan-trainer showed up and Ellen introduced everyone. When she got to me she said “Oh, we’ve met before?”

As in a question.

“Yes, nice to see you again.”  I wanted to say, Yes, the bacon bitch.

I took Charlie’s hand and we started up the mountain.

Later Ellen said that she said, “Lanie and I have been out for a few drinks before.”

“No, one lame date. That’s all.”

Well, if you read the other blog you know we finally bit the bullet and invited Ellen and Louise over for a cookout.

Ellen hasn’t changed, done anything, grown a pair, woke up and smelled the biscuits, nothing about Louise. Louise is still interloping in her house despite Ellen’s meek protestations of having her there.

This past weekend she housed Charlie’s ex who had come in to town to visit both her and our friends Cathy and Gwen. Earlier in the week Charlie had messaged Ellen to give her the heads up so we couldn’t possibly run into them out anywhere.

“I really doubt they’re going to hang out in our ‘hood, hon. At least they’d better not.”

Ellen, however, assured her that she would let her know every move they made. Well, do you think she did? Nope. Nothing. Charlie finally got a message from Cathy saying that ex was at Ellen’s on Saturday. So, we relied on FB check-in’s – we checked in everywhere just in case. Saturday, we went to the art festival in downtown Decatur and took the dogs. They were model, well behaved dogs – other than Sadie trying to take popsickles away from toddlers walking by.

That night we met up with some friends and hung out. Cindy got a text from Ellen inviting her over to hang out on the porch. Cindy knew the whole situation between Ellen, Louise, ex, etc. and decided to play dumb and text back, “Oh hey, yeah I’m here with Lanie and Charlie sipping some beers but if we want to stop by later shall we?”

Ellen replied, “No, [ex] is here and that wouldn’t be good.”

Charlie and I decided to bury the hatchet and invite them over for a cookout the next evening [after the ex had left] I wondered if Ellen would show up with Louise in tow but didn’t even ask. I knew I would get “Of course she’ll bring her.”  I’m still mystified by it.

The next night, Cindy (who had in so many words that weekend of hanging out showed an interest in Ellen should Louise ever leave) Ellen, Louise, Opie, TC and Paulette showed up. For awhile there I really thought everyone was going to bag on us and Charlie and I would be stuck entertaining just Ellen and Louise.  I prayed for strength in numbers. Cindy even texted to say she may bail because of being up all night the night before and I replied, “NOOOOOOOO, I went over to Dry’s house for you and you owe me.”

So, everyone showed up at once including Louise. I groaned inwardly seeing her walk up the driveway. She still has some wrist protector on from this time. I had pulled chairs out on the porch and everyone grabbed drinks and sat down while Charlie grilled chicken and sausages. I went into the kitchen for a refill and Cindy came in and said, “Did you see how Louise wedged her chair right in between Ellen and I?”

I chuckled to myself. Cindy would have to move mountains if she was going to get Ellen to break away from her situation and find a way to get rid of Louise. We’d all been working that problem.

Outside we’re sitting around eating and Ellen is showing us pictures of this puppy she found on her street. It was a Dachshund mix.

“Don’t you need another dog?”

“No, we’re good with our two dogs. Why don’t you want it?”

“Oh, it’s just a pain having a puppy and a lot of work.”

The puppy seemed like a cakewalk compared to Louise and why didn’t she just make Louise take care of it?

“We have to have it neutered, too.”

“Well, yeah”, this was Charlie talking, “get rid of those balls.”

Yeah, and give them to Ellen – she could use some, I thought.  

“I’m just going to wrap a rubber band around them and they’ll eventually fall off.” Louise said.

I thought Charlie was going to hit her with the spatula she was using to grill. [I kinda wished she would have, to be honest]

“You can’t do that. That’s cruel and painful for the dog.”

“Well, it’s just a stray.”

So are you, I thought. I had to get up and leave the conversation after that. I went in and got a refill and talked to Cindy a bit. I mostly talked to everyone except Louise. I didn’t even introduce her to my friends, TC and Paulette namely because she wasn’t around when we had introductions and I didn’t know what to call her – “This is Ellen’s squatter, Louise”

Of course, they were the last to leave. Ellen had walked all the way down to the street where she parked the car. At first, I thought she was leaving her there and just going. I thought, “Good for her.” And then, “Wait, don’t leave her here.”  She was just moving the car up the driveway so she wouldn’t have to walk far. I gave Ellen a hug and went into the house. I was tired and ready for bed and I wasn’t about to sit outside and listen to Louise ramble on while she toked on her pot pipe.