The days are long, but the years are short.

25 May 2020, 5.30am - As I groggily held her and rocked her to sleep, I realise how much she has grown. Only a few days away from 4 weeks and she’s no longer this fragile, tiny little thing. She’s not big, but big and heavy enough to properly fill my cradle. And there I go again with my hormonal tears. Happy she’s growing and healthy, yet sad at the same time knowing soon she will no longer be this tiny and clingy. Knowing one day, I will no longer be all that she needed. And I held her tighter in my arms, and breath in her scent deeply. 

Quoting a friend,

The days are long, but the years are short.

Birth story

27 April

Today is baby’s due date. Felt nothing. Perhaps really heavy in pelvic region but that’s about it. 

28 April

Woke around 3am to pee, couldn’t fall back asleep so stayed awake browsing stand mixers and pasta makers. 

I noticed this mild cramp not too different from period cramps which came and went, consistently. I started timing it with a contractions app I have downloaded on my phone. 

Every 8-10 minutes, the cramp goes on for about 40 seconds. 

It wasn’t painful but definitely uncomfortable. Progressively it got more and more uncomfortable, and then painful. 

I went to the toilet again after a couple of hours and when I stood and put on my pants, I felt a little gush. Pulled pants down to check, theres a little bit more bloody discharge than my usual drops I’ve been getting for the last 2 days. Wiped myself and I saw it. Is this the mucus plug? I asked myself. I flushed it off, changed into a pad and contacted my midwife. 

I was asked to get into the hospital to monitor baby’s health. Everything looked fine and I was sent home since it’s still too early for anything. 

Throughout the day the cramps came on and off. I kept myself busy with baking and whatnot and it helped distract me from it. 

I was exhausted by the end of the day. 

29 April

Sleep was fine up until a point when I was woken up by another wave of painful cramp. I didn’t check what time it was and how often it came. I tried to sleep through it the best I could. Wasn’t easy. 

 

Few hours after waking up it happened again. That gush. 

Let my midwife know and she suggested I go into the hospital this time for an internal examination to see if there’s any progress. 

Went into the hospital. Sorry if this sounds too graphic but it’s the only way I know how to describe what took place. The “internal examination” is basically her inserting her fingers into my vagina to feel how much my cervix has dilated and where baby is positioned. Since my contractions have been somewhat and I was only 1cm dilated, to speed things up she did something called the “stretch and sweep” where she try to stimulate labour by again, using her fingers to literally perform the motion of stretching and sweeping around the cervix. Freaking uncomfortable is all I can say. 

We were sent home again and this time not long after the hospital visit, the contractions progressively got more and more uncomfortable. I tried to endure it for the entire day until I couldn’t anymore, around 11.30pm. Contacted my midwife again and I was asked to meet her at the hospital. At this point, the level of pain to me was about 8-9. Took a quick warm shower and off we went. 

30 April

Got to the hospital around midnight and slowly walked into the birthing suite which felt like the longest walk ever. The room was very dimly lit with aromatherapy candles and soft relaxing music playing in the background. Lindsay (my midwife) was there earlier to set everything up for me as per my request. 

We both along with Wk sat in the room silent as I endure waves after waves of painful contractions. I was moaning, quivering and writhing in pain. She suggested a few different pain relief methods;

Warm shower - already did this at home. Helps very minimally

Bath - wasn’t keen on getting myself all wet and if it’s similar to shower, I didn’t want to bother myself with it. 

Morphine - this is a hard no for me

Gas - tried this, did absolutely nothing.

Finally, I asked for the epidural. I can’t remember if Lindsay did this but if my memory was correct she did another internal examination to see where my cervix was at prior to having the epidural. I think it was around 4cm or something. The anesthetist came around 4am and performed the procedure. Prior to this day I was pretty fearful about getting the epidural because it looked so painful! Plus I’ve always hated needles. But the contractions were really getting into my head and it was truly unbearable. 

The epidural process felt like a pinch in the spine, the same punch as when I get anesthetic in my gums when I get dental procedures. Which I used to find super uncomfortable but hey, nothing compares to labour contractions honestly. 

Epidural worked like magic. In minutes, the pain was gone. I still felt the contractions but minus the pain. I could finally relax and Lindsay told us to get some rest so that I’ll have the energy to push later. I finally managed to get some sleep, so did Wk who snored away next to me lol. 

Lindsay periodically checked my dilation and by 12pm, I was at 10cm. It’s GO time!

I pushed and pushed and pushed. Unfortunately after an hour and half, we got nowhere. I wonder if epidural did affect my ability to push this baby out? Could I have done this without epidural? I will never know.

We needed some intervention from the doctors. She came in and explained that they will need to get baby out with “assistance” and by that, she meant performing an episiotomy (making a small incision down there to allow a bigger opening for baby to come through) AND using a forceps to pull baby out of me. 

I have heard of a friend’s similar experience but... to experience it myself was still traumatizing. Even though with the epidural I felt no pain whatsoever. Towards the end of the delivery I did feel this massive pressure of baby coming out of me and voila, my wailing baby was placed onto my chest by 2pm. 

I cried of course. I have never been happier :’)

Now comes post-delivery. My legs still spread open, the doctor came to me to explain that during delivery I have suffered a 3rd degree tear and they will need to properly stitch me up in the operating room because it’s a serious tear. Not long after, baby was given to Wk and I was pushed into the operating room. They had to increase the epidural dose prior to performing the stitching. I was fully conscious but completely exhausted and groggy after labour. I kind of slept through the stitching. After being stitched up I was moved to the recovery ward. 

I had a fever. They had to monitor my temperature closely. And because of the tear I was required to stay in the hospital for at least a couple of nights. And because I’ll be admitted into a general ward, Wk couldn’t stay the night with me. 

I was shattered. But at least baby is right next to me all the time. 

The midwives were really helpful in guiding me to get bubs to latch even though my boobs had nothing.

There were a few though who were pretty rough-handed and messy. One couldn’t figure out why the IV fluid wasn’t flowing properly and decided to reinsert the needle on my other hand. I really hate this process, there’s nth worse than having a needle inserted into your veins, what more one that stays there. This doctor came to perform the procedure and I’m not sure if she’s inexperienced or what. It was a bloody mess, literally. Like blood was EVERYWHERE my god. And the midwife who thought the drip wasn’t flowing kept trying to fix it and at one point even accidentally unplugged the end of the drip and the fluid literally drenched my sheets and blanket. She didn’t even thi n to her me fresh sheets until I asked. And not to mention, my other hand still slowly bleeding. It was like a massacre scene. Finally another older midwife who was supposed to take over the night shift came over while they were doing handover and quickly realized that the drip wasn’t flowing because there’s a kink in the tube -_____- fml all these blood and a needle in my other hand for nothing. Oh and this messy midwife even had the audacity to make a coronavirus joke at me. Because I had the fever they had to continuously monitor my temperature? She sheepishly asked me if it’s coronavirus. 

Erm if my hand didn’t have to go through this unnecessary torture of getting IV inserted and she wasn’t this messy in fixing things I would have laughed with her. But no, it’s kind of got on my nerves because I just went through 36 hours of labour, 2 hours of pushing, a cut and a tear down south to deliver a baby and you thought my fever came from coronavirus? Screw you. 

Thank goodness I didn’t have to see her again for the following few days. 

The midwife for that night and also the following night was super nice. She offered to take baby away from me and will bring her back when it’s time to feed just so that I can catch up on a couple of hours of sleep. Honestly while it sounded amazing I couldn’t sleep because it’s my first night having her and all I could think of is “is that my baby crying” when I hear soft sounds of wailing babies. I did sleep the second night though because after the first I quickly realise how exhausted I am and will be down the track. 

Anyway I ended up staying two nights at the hospital, only discharged after I managed to open my bowels aka do a poo, to make sure I was able to and stitches are still intact. 

Moving on the first and second day was a struggle. It felt like my center of gravity was completely off, which is probably because this massive weight and bump is now gone and my pelvic floor muscles were still weak. And obviously, the soreness at the bottom meant I had to walk with my legs apart. Not fun. Especially when I still had a catheter attached. But lots of ice pack and cold water rinse helped. 

And that’s pretty much it. 

To be completely honest, this experience of giving birth or just giving birth in general has traumatized me. I’ve read and heard about what will happen but it is still a shock to the system. It’s violent and aggressive. I am however thankful that bubs was delivered safe and sound. I cannot imagine it otherwise after going through all that. 

Chili Pan Mee 辣椒板面

Pretty pleased with myself with my effort 😌 

There’s 6 components which make up this bowl of goodness: 

Noodle

Veggie

Meat

Chili paste

Egg

Fried ikan bilis/anchovies

One optional component is the accompanying anchovy and pork ribs soup/broth. I say optional when I really mean, please make it if you are going all the way to make chili pan mee.

We once had this in Pappa Rich and it was the most absurd plate of food they dare call chili pan mee. Don’t even get me started on price. 

When the plate of noodles was served, all I can see was a piece of HARD BOILED EGG WTF. 

I must have whinged really loudly because a few minutes later one of the staff came over to apologize saying they didn’t have soft boiled eggs anymore. 

That’s horseshit of an excuse. 

You should have let us know you didn’t have it BEFORE deciding that a hard boiled egg is enough to substitute it. Chili pan mee is a dry dish, the soft boiled egg is what makes the sauce. Throwing in a hard boiled egg is never going to cut it. 

Yes it’s a once off occurrence. I have also tried it when they actually served it with soft boiled eggs, not impressed either. It was quite lackluster in terms of seasoning and flavour. 

So far in Melbourne, Jojo’s chili pan mee tastes the most legit. But! I’m not sure what’s the deal with the staff, every time I go there the staffs seem to be in a really terrible mood. They hardly smile at customers,  and sometimes will either ignore your request when you ask for the accompanying soup or have this reluctant reaction when you ask for it. If it’s an added cost I’ll be happy to pay, no need to make a customer feel like they’re being an inconvenience. They’re not rude but definitely not the warmest people in the service industry. 

Now THIS is how a chili pan mee egg is supposed to look like.

If in a hurry, poach. If you’re pedantic like me, sous vide it at 62.8 Celsius for 45 minutes. It’s different and it’s totally worth it. 

While researching about cooking eggs, I discovered something mind blowing. So I’ve been trying my best not to eat runny yolks or soft eggs since almost everyone says it’s not safe while pregnant. Reason being risk of salmonella. Fine. 

Today I came across an article saying when you cook eggs at a low temperature over a long period of time aka sous vide, you are essentially pasteurizing it. 

🤯🤯🤯

Do you mean all these while I could have had soft boiled eggs when I had cravings? And I’m only finding out now that I’m at the end of my pregnancy??? 

Anyway. 

The other really important component of chili pan mee is of course the dry chili paste which had to be toasted for about 45 minutes until they’re sandy dry and caramelized. I have this meager bag of cili kering from Malaysia which I’m so glad I brought back a while ago. I can’t seem to find them here at all. They have quite a different flavour profile, almost smoky and they’re not too spicy. Unlike the Thai, Indian or Chinese varieties which are usually too spicy or pungent. I deseeded it the best I could, never liked the mouthfeel of seeds. 

Everything else was pretty simple to prepare. I did screw up my noodles - too much water in my dough and it became a soft mess. It’s a beautiful dough though, the gluten could be stretched paper thin but it’s not ideal for noodle making. I might use it to make roti. 

I had to remake the dough and thankfully got it right the second time. Didn’t even measure the water, just went by feel. I find that I’ve been doing that a lot lately; cooking with intuition than strictly by the books. 

After mixing it all up...

A bowl of creamy, spicy and vibrant goodness. 

This trumps the soup ban mee IMO. 

Week 22

Last week, I swear she jabbed/kicked me twice so hard that I jolted.

Quite funny. I'm still in awe of science and the human body. As amazing as this feels I also can't help making reference to my favourite film Alien. Lol. 

Also about a week ago we dropped by Northface to have a look at winter parka in preparation for our Hokkaido trip. It's winter with subzero temperatures when we visit. I can no longer zip up a size S T____T the length and arms and shoulders fit perfectly but I just couldn't zip up. Where on earth can I find a maternity parka jacket?? 

I can still forcefully squeeze into my size S skinny maternity jeggings but I don't think I can do this for any longer. 

Week 21

2 days ago we had our 2nd trimester ultrasound. On my birthday. I quote Sim Mei,

"So the period where your kid is more important than yourself has started *cry laughing emoji"

Yup, so true. 

I could have scheduled it on a different day which would be after my birthday but... I thought if the scan does go well at least that would have been a good birthday present in itself. I know, even up until this point I still have reservations about feeling positive. I just can't stop myself from worrying.

Anyhoo. The scan went well :) Baby was moving so much the doctor had a hard time trying to scan her. She could be a profesional contortionist looking at how she twists and bends her body and limbs.

The first thing we saw when the doctor started the scan and she said,

"Oh. That's the bum. Definitely a girl, you can see what I call, the little 'hamburger'."

She meant the labia hahahahhah.

And this was when she straightened her legs over her head.

According to their measurements she's 21 weeks 6 days but if the hospital is using my first dating scan then it's only 21 weeks. I don't know who to listen to.

Will see what the obstetrician says when I see him/her tomorrow.

To commemorate the last birthday where I get to feel special by myself lol

A little present for me. Little in size not so little in price hahaha. 

Finally announced this on my Instagram and received so many love and well wishes T_T I don't know what I have done to deserve this. I've published all the drafts I've saved throughout this journey. I finally feel like I have a little more courage to share and be excited. 

Week 19

Nothing much has changed except I've been feeling baby squirming in me! 

It's a strange sensation. I think I've felt it since the start of week 18 but never gave it much attention until I sat back and really focus. Every article says it feels like bubbles popping, butterflies in your stomach, flutters. Yes, it kind of is like that but when I place my hands on my belly, I sometimes physically can feel the push from underneath! It's so much more than just a flutter. It has now become my ritual everynight to place my hands on my belly just to feel it all. It helps me sleep. 

My sleep hasn't been the best lately. Lots of tossing and turning, lots of vivid dreams. I never wake up feeling refreshed =.= 

In about 2 weeks time we're scheduled for the next stage of ultrasound which is the anatomy scan. And then an appointment at the hospital with a doctor. Hopefully the only appointment with a doctor because that'll mean my pregnancy isn't complicated and can be handled by the midwives.

Yesterday we had our first appointment at the hospital. I thought I was seeing an obstetrician but it was a midwife who met us. She explained the appointment is to gather all the information required before we see the obstetrician in about another month or so. She explained the different types of maternity care the hospital provides and will discuss which is most suited. 

We were not left with much to choose from; I didn't want a shared care with my GP because well... my previous posts should explain well enough. The obstetrician care is reserved for high risk pregnancies - fair enough. Sara recommended me to go on this specific midwives care where I get to have 2 midwives on call. This option however I will most likely NOT get to have because people usually book when they're as early as 7 weeks along. 

Seriously. At 7 weeks I was still doubting if I was actually pregnant or if the baby will survive the 1st trimester. 

We're left with 2 options which seems rather similar so we picked one of it. Either way I trust we're in good hands. 

Baby's due date has now changed AGAIN. She said the first dating ultrasound is usually more accurate. We're now back to 27 April 2019. We also got to hear baby's heartbeat through the doppler. 155bpm.