I have mentioned a few times around here that Stout has ADHD but I thought it was time for an update and some additional information about the neurological disorder that is becoming one of my passions. I think it can be fairly common when your child faces something, to have that something become important. For us and for me specifically, learning about ADHD is a constant process, trying to figure out how his brain works, what he needs to be not only successful but happy–something so simple that many can take for granted–, and how to help him cope with big feelings, easy frustrations, constant movement and little tolerance.
Anyone who knows me knows that I adore my son. He has a huge chunk of my soul and it brings tears to my eyes to think of him struggle. Life isn’t easy for this kid although he has all of the needs he could ever need and most of the wants he could ever imagine. He is brilliant, most of the time too smart for his own good because it can turn to easy manipulation and egotism. Neither of which are well received by most. I didn’t even know he could play chess until he asked me to play against him and pretty much kicked my ass. I haven’t played in years and I am going to brush up on my game because this might be a good way to focus and calm his soul and he seems to love it. The kid can pick up anything quickly, which hopefully will be a great skill as an adult.
He is a natural athlete, but his severe competition and lack of focus seem to cancel each other out which leads to major disappointment and inconsistency. He is the type of kid who thinks he is already good, so he shouldn’t have to practice. That lead to a few years of painful baseball seasons. He is right–he is good. He could hit a pitch at age 3 but I have told him for years that he isn’t old enough to be a DH. He had no want or desire to play outfield, so this year, we didn’t play. It felt weird to not have my mini-Babe Ruth in the baseball field, but it become more stressful than fun, and at only 7, we are not starting that trend in extracurriculars. This summer, he did karate for 10 weeks and liked it, but once again, it was a struggle and fight to get him there, so we stopped. It was a good hour commute from my work, to pick him up, to get to a 6pm class, home at 7:30 for a 8pm bedtime, so no….we aren’t doing that this fall. This week we start soccer which is a constant movement and fast-paced game and practice is every Wednesday from 5pm-6pm, so I will drive there directly after work and miss about half of the practice, but bring him home around 6:15 for dinner, which isn’t too bad. This is where co-parenting is awesome. T can get him off the bus on Wednesday, take him into our house to get changed for practice and I meet them there after work. Co-parenting, when it works, is fantastic for working parents. We will see how it goes but he is super excited.
I have been pretty vocal about his diagnosis and treatment. We were lucky enough to receive the best diagnosis path in our city because of T’s connections in the field. Something we normally couldn’t afford ($5K minimum out of pcoket for this chapter of testing and diagnosis, no insurance coverage) and I will always be grateful. His thorough testing was over 6 hours of different evaluations for him one on one with an PhD psychologist, teacher evaluations, 3 parents evaluations, social worker evaluation, etc and all of those scores and outputs were placed far to the right of the bell-curve….the boy was off the chart severe in his ADHD diagnosis, combined-type, because of course we need to be severe in both options.
He was/is textbook for the disorder and no one was shocked.
Well, no one that believes that ADHD is real and lets not get me started on the taboo nature of the disorder and the bad rap that it receives. No, he doesn’t act like this because we are bad parents. (yes, I spite those people) No, he doesn’t act like this because of sugar. No, he doesn’t act like this because he has a lot of energy and needs to run. No, he doesn’t act like this because he is a bad kid. (I spite those people too). And no, he doesn’t act like this because he is spoiled. He acts this this because he can’t literally help it and his brain is most likely different from yours. Caffeine CALMS him. Benadryl hypes him up. Food-dye Red40 in his system acts like cocaine to an addict. His brain is so much different from what is considered normal. And I am still learning because everything seems so counter-intuitive. When he is crazy and out of control, giving him a Coke actually helps. Weird, but true.
We have tried to do everything we can for him but it isn’t perfect, and it isn’t always right. My Irish temper can be unleashed when he is throwing shit at me down a full flight of stairs because he is disappointed, overwhelmed or angry and I know, logically, that screaming is only going to make it worse but I am human too and as much as I love and adore him, he knows how to push my buttons. Hitting me or kicking me, or god-forbid, spitting at me can trigger my own emotions towards the negative and I have been working really hard at staying in control with a calm voice. Again, not perfect and never will be.
The first time he told me that he hated me, he was 3. The first time he told me he wanted a dad and a different family, he was 4. The first time he decided to run away, he was 6. The first time he said he wanted to kill himself, he was 7.
Life isn’t easy as much as he looks happy, healthy and well-adjusted. Did you know that kids with ADHD are far more prone to depression and anxiety? And those with parents and grandparents who struggle with mental health are that much more inclined to depression and anxiety? It will be inevitable, if it isn’t already, that my son will struggle with depression and anxiety. Genetics are powerful enough and add to it the struggles with ADHD and controlling mood and routine, and it is our reality. If I am anything, I am proactive.
Yes, we medicate but it wasn’t without major thought, research, or sheer mother instinsts. ADHD medications have such a bad rap and so much stigma and misinformation. Honestly, I can’t imagine our life without medication and no, it isn’t because we are lazy. People who think that could never keep up with my schedule or to-do list. Stout gets one pill in the morning and one pill in the afternoon at school, a fast-acting booster to help get him through the afternoon, bus ride home and early evening without huge withdraws and outburts.
He can be a secluded kid (possible depression), more interested in technology and video games than people so we have put a stop to the iPad. He was too addicted and he reached for it out of instinct and need, more than want. So, the ipad has been very limited since school started and the withdraws have lessen, the asks have decreased and checking the battery percentage is no longer an OCD movement. There was a really rough week of withdraws, battles and temper, but we have sailed into smoother waters and he hasn’t even asked for it the last 3 days. Success. Kids with ADHD can hyper-focus on something to the point of addiction and tunnel-vision and I am being more aware of his crutches.
In addition to soccer, we have added a therapist to his weekly routine. Last night, we met with an amazing guy who specializes in working with boys and young males who have ADHD, depression, anxiety, and other issues. He was kind, calm and gentle, and spoke to Stout in a non-confrontational way (while playing legos) about therapy, their goals, Stout’s wants and needs, and why he might be there. After some initial sessions, he moves them to the family home to interact with the entire family and see the kid in his natural environment. I am so thankful to have found him and I think (hope) they will build a fantastic relationship. Whether I like it or not, Stout is drawn to males and connects better and talks more to males than females. I hope we have started to lay a positive foundation of someone he can discuss anything about with trust and respect.
So, meds. Check
Therapy. Check
Less screen time. Check
Communication with school for the new year. Working on it.
Stout has a full IEP at school, centered around his severe ADHD and his diagnosed reading learning disability. Prior to intervention, his brain could not process or read letters in order, which made reading impossible. I still think he struggles with dyslexia because the kid constantly gets certain words confused. He also can’t process contractions well because his brain can’t seem to fill in the missing letters to construct the words. I have worked a LOT with him on reading, doing his weekly reading assignments in 1st grade, a summer reading program with the library, and a summer reading list for school that I found in the bottom of his backpack less than 2 weeks ago.
That.was.awesome.to.discover. After summer session in June and July, he had to read 12 books from 4 different categories- poetry, fiction, non-fiction, fairy-tale/folklore before August 31. I found it on August 20 and he turned it in on August 28. Boom. We went to the library and for every book he read and book report he filled out, I would play a game of chess, allow some screen time, etc. It felt impossible (and I was super annoyed that he didn’t give me the packet on July 24!) but he did it with motivation, some mom-nagging, and a few fights. I am now more diligent in checking his backpack because things like that are not communicated home–it is assumed the kid will report to the parents….not in our case, because he simply forgets that it exists, or remembers that it exists and hopes that it doesn’t. His brain creates his own wanted reality, vs. our actual reality.
I haven’t heard anything regarding his IEP review for the fall, but I assume it will happen in September and October. We haven’t met since last February and with the help of daily meds, I do not get anymore calls from school except for a rare sick call. Discipline issues that were common and weekly in kindergarten are completely gone, thankfully, and his 2nd grade teacher is pretty laid back so I hope for the best and he seems to be thriving. If feels great to have no communication with the principal, social worker, SPED team or classroom teacher so I know something is working! This year, he is taking the bus to and from school, so I have been worried about any issues that might occur but so far, he lives riding the bus and his bus driver seems wonderful and kind. When the kid jumped on the bus at 6:50am and throws a giant hug around the bus driver as she yells out to me, “good morning beautiful!”….this is a good fit and it does indeed take a village.
Stout is not an easy kid, but we are getting into a groove and figuring it all out as we go. He is kind, hilarious (he dances at the curb of our busy street in the morning while waiting for the bus to get drivers to giggle or laugh), smart, confident, powerful and persuasive, but he can also be violent, rude, hurtful, mean and manipulative….so, he is pretty much a 7 year old, trying to figure out his place in this world. And I am so lucky to be his mom.
Irish Stout, a shot of Bailey & 2 mommies 
