Tag Archives: parental mediation

Routine.

Posted on January 9, 2012 by | 7 comments

I firmly believe that routine is so important for both adults and children.  I personally function so much better when I have a routine and when I function better, I am more productive and more positive. I *think* I am slowly starting to get into the single-mom groove and although not ideal, I am happy and fine.  It feels nice to be content again and not always pining for what I can’t have, or the life that is no longer mine.  I believe that now as I am forming a routine and that chunk and I are getting into a daily schedule, life isn’t as hard as I thought it was.  I can do this, and in fact, I am doing it, on my own. 

I hope that we can continue our routine and that Tiff realizes the importance as well.  I know I shouldn’t have the expectation of her to keep our routine, but if she wants to be a mom, than chunk needs a routine, and that includes seeing him on her visitation schedule and if for some reason she can’t, then she forfeits her visitation for that week.  As of right now, she has him on Tuesday nights and Sunday’s.  I informed her that if her plans change and she is unable to parent at those times, then she doesn’t parent. I am drawing a boundary with her and I am deciding the rules.  This past week, she had him one night and then came to the house on Sunday (although 20 minutes late) morning to take him to church.  This allowed me to clean, do laundry, cook and even take a nap.  Glorious.  At the end of the day, I felt productive, yet restful (!) which is a far cry from how I have generally felt. 

I need to be productive because as a single mom, I have a lot on my plate, but I also need to feel rested and fulfilled because if not, I feel negative.  And, I don’t like the negative me.  I like being positive, and cheerful, and easy-going.  I like me better now than I have in six months and maybe even the past year.   I am starting to turn another corner of my grieving and it feels great to not feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.  It feels good to not cry so much!  I didn’t cry all weekend and although crying has a purpose and a benefit (I have perfected the art of crying), it feels good to not NEED to cry. 

Yesterday Tiff picked up chunk and I mainly addressed him, was unaffected by her presence and actually am starting to feel disconnected. I think this is a good thing.  You know the phrase, “love is blind”…. I no longer think I am blinded by her and this is an awesome revolution.  My attraction level has decreased tremendously, I see the flaws more than the hope, and I found it hard to not focus on her ugly new shoes.  That may sound ridiculous, but when she was at the house, I just kept thinking, god, your shoes are ugly and I don’t like the *new* you.  I may never understand why she did what she did, but I now realize that I don’t need to understand…it is not mine to understand.  I just have to gain my balance and routine as I juggle my responsibilities and if Tiff phases herself out of our lives, then so-be-it.  That is her choice and she will have to answer to her demons. I just need to be positive and realize that I can only control myself and no longer need to worry about her daily life.

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Mediation. And done.

Posted on December 21, 2011 by | 13 comments

Monday afternoon Tiff and I met with Dr. Talk to have informal parental mediation regarding our co-parenting of chunk.  My main points that I wanted addressed were:

1. Chunk should not meet EHB and this continual issue should be off the table.  Both my therapist and his pediatrician agreed that it is not in his best interest to be introduced to a third party at such a young age. 

Thankfully, Tiff FINALLY gave up this issue and agreed that he should not meet EHB.  Of course, she had to make it passive aggressive and declare that this issue is no longer worth it and she gives in.  Whatever. 

    2.  Tiff and I need some serious boundaries with each other.  The easy       access to text and emails allow both of us to cross the lines at times of need. Her continue communication as if we were friends needs to stop for my mental health as well as my healing heart.  I am not in a place where I can be friends, it hurts too badly, and therefore, I don’t need to know about her health, her job, her friends, etc.  I told her to find some new friends because she traded my friendship in for EHB.

She agreed. But, first stated that the rules had changed. Whatever. I am in a place where I can change the rules when ever I want, because she is the one that threw my life upside down.  Fair, maybe not. But I also do not think it was fair that she fell in love with another woman while married with a small child.

3. I needed to know if Tiff was open to helping with chunk outside of her visitation days if he is sick, I am sick, or some other outside issue.  This was brought up from the following example this week.  Chunk was sick all weekend and didn’t sleep. I was therefore exhausted and asked Tiff if she could take him one extra evening this week so I could get caught up.  Her response,  I can pick him up and take him to your parents.  (enter my jaw drop) I replied that if I wanted my parents help, I could easily ask themselves since they are, you know, my parents. Duh.  I told her, nevermind, I would take care of everything.

She agreed that she would like to be my first call if I do need help but instead of helping me problem solve (because I am not capable with a Masters degree and common sense) a simple “no” if she can’t help is fine.

4. Overnights.  Chunk now spends Tuesday nights and one weekend night with Tiff a week. He is far too young to do the standard every other weekend which means that the best thing for him is to be with me as much as possible, which I love, but it is also exhausting and overwhelming at times.  Tiff sees him for a few hours a week.  I am his home base and I did inform Tiff that due to her leaving, I have become his parent, and she is more of a friend or aunt role. Dr. Talk agreed, while I think I stunned Tiff.

We have decided that she will continue to keep him on Tuesday nights and that will be the only night a week he sleeps at her apartment.  She then will pick him up every Sunday morning for church and return him home before dinner. It is what it is.  I therefore have him every Friday and Saturday night, and Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Sunday.  She has lots of time to play house and have fun with EHB. Bitter? Yes.

Being divorced is hard.  Being a co-parent is harder. And being a single mom is the hardest.  I have lost my emotional support and my extra set of hands that I used to have at home.  I lost my comfort and my other half.  The reality is that I have to grow stronger and more independent than I have ever been, not only for myself but for my child.  It will get done, but it is a hard lesson to live and learn.  One of my bloggy friends (hello A) compared me this week to a snowglobe; I am stuck inside a fragile ball, someone else is shaking me around while I am grasping for air through the glitter and bubbles. Yep, pretty much the perfect analogy for my current state. Another dear friend told me that this is the season that tries to break you.  I have very wise and supportive people around me. 

Toward the end of our session, Dr. Talk could see that there are the co-parenting issues and the remaining marriage issues and the two stands become overlapped at times which makes parenting harder.  She suggested that we meet in the new year just about the leftover marriage issues and I thought this would be a good idea to help myself grieve.  Tiff was silent.  Later that night, I received a text saying she is not interested in meeting about marriage issues and that is a boundary she is drawing for herself.  My thought was, of course, why meet to resolve issues that you simply just walked away from.  Of course, I did receive this text after drinking three glasses of wine on Monday night (Tiff had chunk, so I was alone), so my response was not kind or filtered. I am human after all.   Therefore, I will do the work alone and I am thankful for co-pays because 2012 will have a lot of appointments with Dr. Talk.  This afternoon is my last appointment with her before the new year and I am curious to hear her opinion about Monday’s meeting.  I have a feeling that our mediation is done, but my work is far from over.

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Mediation.

Posted on December 19, 2011 by | 16 comments

This weekend was a whirlwind of chunk’s second birthday and I am still trying to recoup because not only did I try to Martha-myself to craziness, chunk got sick on Friday and I had to pick him up early from daycare due to a fever. When it rains…. He didn’t sleep Friday night OR Saturday night, which translates to mommy didn’t sleep, but in true extroverted form, he was the life of the party.  Our friends and family spoiled him completely, but I will save that for a proper 2nd birthday post.  He deserves his own post. I wanted to follow up from my drama post last Friday about Tiff and her lack of boundaries.  After I had informed her that it was not a good day to contact me because I was a mess, she proceeds to text me Friday afternoon about a doctor’s appointment and some procedures that she will need done.  AND I LOST MY SHIT OVER TEXT.

I then responded with the following text;

 Why would anemia be worse and what do you want me to do!? If you want to be married to me and me worry about your health, then I will. If you want to be with Jeanne and still use me as an outlet, you traded me in for a newer model. You are really fucking me up in my head and heart and I am trying to hold it together for our son because he needs me. I hope the grass is greener than with your wife and son because you can’t have both worlds. I am at a loss and grasping for air. If you have been trying to kill me, you are doing a good job.

That was the last straw and I was so emotionally spent that I just told her how it is.  Her reply, “sorry.” I am done trying to be the perfect ex-spouse and fulltime parent.  This weekend between the party planning, the actual party, him not sleeping and sick with a fever and trying to do it all by myself, I nearly lost some sanity.  Yesterday she picked him up for her visitation and I took a much needed nap.  I also sent her a text kindly asking for her help over the holidays since she works in a public school and will be out on break and I only get next Monday off for the holiday. Her response, ” I can pick him up and take him to our parents.” WTF? If I wanted to ask my parents for help, I think I could do that.  I still don’t understand her answer or why she is trying to pass him off.  I told her nevermind, I will do everything like always.  I just don’t get it.

Today at 3:00pm, we meet with Dr. Talk for our first parenting mediation. I have no idea what to expect. I am borderline between wanting to cry and scream, and therefore I am getting pretty anxious about our meeting.  We are going to talk about general parenting expectation, the constant issue of when chunk can meet EHB, and my need for boundaries from Tiff because my head and my heart cannot be used anymore.   I can use all of the good vibes and thoughts today because I have no idea how this will go.   I feel like my life is a sad soap opera and I must be really depressing or frustrating to read and follow. Thanks for sticking with me through the muck of my life.

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Bail.

Posted on November 14, 2011 by | 35 comments

If I get arrested for harming my ex, will someone reading this bail me out? If course I am kidding, but I am so mad and frustrated that I could spit.  Yesterday Tiff informed me that it is no longer my decision if chunk meets EHB.  EXCUSE ME? She said that she thinks it is now our individual decisions if he meets any women and even though we came to a mutual agreement a month ago regarding this issue, she can no longer keep her panties on and wants to combine her two lives.  OVER MY DEAD BODY. Even my therapist said that for chunk’s well-being, he should not be introduced to anyone until January, at the earliest.  What is two months?

WHAT IS THE RUSH? Why can’t she see chunk twice a week ALONE? I am the parent who is with him 90% of the time and I am not struggling with introducing him to funny girl because I know it is not time.  This is starting to make me sick to my stomach.  I almost want to tell Tiff to go fly a kite and either pick EHB or chunk because she cannot have both.  He is not their child and they cannot decide what is best for my child. There I said it.  MY CHILD. I am his home base, I should get to decide what is best for him because I know I have him as a priority. I do not trust Tiff and I certainly do not trust EHB. Am I selfish or out of line? I wanted to keep communication open between Tiff and I about chunk’s well being, but she is just starting to get stupid and not think about his well-being and she has basically said to my face that I don’t have a say.  What would you do?  I am at a cross-roads. 

I see Dr. Talk on Thursday and I am going to ask her for a referral for a mediator.  I think we are now entering a new realm and need a third party.  I just don’t know what else to do aside from refusing Tiff’s visitation rights, which I realize isn’t fair either.  I just wish that Tiff would pull her head out of her ass and think about our child for once.  Why must she make things more difficult? Why can’t she just give me a bone? Yesterday she had me in tears while we talked about this because I feel so strongly about protecting him and she just continues to challenge my decisions.  I don’t want him to feel like he has to compete for attention or that he doesn’t have her undivided attention.  Is this something I can control or does this become an issue that I just have to let go and let her do what she wants to do.  Give me some advise, encouragement or reassurance.  I am at a loss.

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