Zoé

Today I am grateful for the people I am surrounded by. My family, friends, Justin, and my cat. I am grateful for the time they give me, the emotions they have invested and the friendship and bond that we both enjoy.

Hello old friend. I've been having a hard time with my feelings lately, and I find that that older I get, the harder it is to articulate the way I feel to the people around me. Strange, isn't it? Life hasn't been terrible, but my mental health often feels like it's dipping again and I don't really want to speak to anyone about this because I feel like there's no reason for it to. Which is why I'm back, hopefully it won't be permanent, and even if it is, maybe it won't be all too negative. My fingers are crossed. I'm just glad I still have this platform to vent.

Hasn't it ? I just wanted to tell you that I'm alive . So so so so alive :) I was just reading my previous blog posts and I now realise how miserable I was . I'm glad I'm better now . So glad .

7.09 am It's been a week since i've deleted all my social media apps (except snapchat because I don't remember my password haha, but I don't use it because the Internet is too slow anyway), and I find that that does seem to help a little with my anxiety . So says the girl that's smoking a cigarette on the balcony at 7 in the morning in hopes that it might make her sleep . My mind is eating itself and I can't fucking get around why . It's like the world is out to get me and the only things that don't kill my self esteem are mindless YouTube game plays and sleeping . I can't even bring myself to write here because I just end up thinking it's a load of crap and everything I touch ends up being shitty and it scares me into not wanting to do anything ever . Oh my god .  I just want this to stopppppppppp

I think I am spiralling into a deep pit I may not be able to crawl out of , but I don't want to tell anyone or talk about it because it just makes me feel like shit . People don't understand why I sleep so much and I just smile and shrug and tell them it's because I like to sleep or that I'm tired , but it's because I can't feel miserable when I'm asleep . When I'm awake , I don't want to do anything that lets my mind wander because the sadness rises like a tide and I start to drown . It's really bad and I feel like I should maybe see a doctor . No one understands and all I can do is wish I never existed all day long . I'm getting so tired of this . I hope it will end soon . What is wrong with me ? How did I get here ? I just wish I was happy .

Sometimes it all comes rushing back . A flood of memories that hits you in the face like a brick someone threw at you out of spite . Sometimes I feel the hatred begin to bubble up inside me as I lay awake in the dark and I feel like reaching out for your neck and squeezing and squeezing as hard as I can possible squeeze so that the memories will fade slowly and I'll be free of these chains of humiliation that you put on me . Sometimes I hate myself for ever making the decision to stay because that means I'm the one that inflicted all this pain on myself and there is no one to blame for that but... Me . Sometimes I wish I could set your world on fire and watch as you writhe in pain , tearing at your melting flesh , wishing for the end to come . Sometimes I wish I was another person just so I can escape from the horrible thoughts that plague me when I am alone and there is nothing else for me to do . Sometimes , I hate you more than words can describe . But always , I will hate y...