Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
how to demand responsibility and accountability from others?
if everyone could automatically (zhi-dong in mandarin) play their part and not leave their unfinished bits hanging in limbo while they holiday or work, i would be enjoying my holidays a little more and not get too stressed.
hello world, i'm the only fool who's been coming to school almost every day despite that it's the holidays. fine, granted - i've been playing with whatever time i have at home as well. but being in school for ~10 hours on weekdays and ~6 on weekends is crazy. where's my holidays?
i realise i take a long while to recharge. i need to get SICK of the holidays before i can be enthusiastic about doing work. what that really means is, i'm not gonna survive sem 2 because i'm still doing work and not playing till i start longing for academic torture. that's why i always 'die' mentally in term 3 of secondary and jc, because i've not had a proper break (what's a 'break' when there's holiday work to do?).
i think there's a problem with how i communicate with other people. somehow, i just cannot command enough respect to make others compelled to do their work or just do what i say. i feel like shouting some people down sometimes, but i always remember that i gotta see them (at least until i leave school) and it's not too pleasant if you're on either end. i can't really handle conflict, i guess.
i must enforce a 2-week no telephone/facebook/hotmail period for myself and i shall do a staycation somewhere. singapore or jb?
hello world, i'm the only fool who's been coming to school almost every day despite that it's the holidays. fine, granted - i've been playing with whatever time i have at home as well. but being in school for ~10 hours on weekdays and ~6 on weekends is crazy. where's my holidays?
i realise i take a long while to recharge. i need to get SICK of the holidays before i can be enthusiastic about doing work. what that really means is, i'm not gonna survive sem 2 because i'm still doing work and not playing till i start longing for academic torture. that's why i always 'die' mentally in term 3 of secondary and jc, because i've not had a proper break (what's a 'break' when there's holiday work to do?).
i think there's a problem with how i communicate with other people. somehow, i just cannot command enough respect to make others compelled to do their work or just do what i say. i feel like shouting some people down sometimes, but i always remember that i gotta see them (at least until i leave school) and it's not too pleasant if you're on either end. i can't really handle conflict, i guess.
i must enforce a 2-week no telephone/facebook/hotmail period for myself and i shall do a staycation somewhere. singapore or jb?
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
2010 is a bad year.
granted, i got pretty far in that songwriting thing (collaboration with friends, i must qualify. not wholly my work alone), but academically i'm in a slump!
and i don't know why i'm so slow in doing anything. why do i procrastinate whenever it comes to creating something...
i could have finished all my panels in time, i realise, if i hadn't spent so much time on photoshopping the earlier panel(s). thank goodness i bothered to create 2 panels a week before. else i'd only have ONE.
should have just printed out the other panels on thursday and get it stamped as 'late'.
and my model making skills are so cui. take so long, so little done!? why, why (friend said it's because i measure everything from scratch instead of pasting the printed plan over the material and cut along the lines, but i'm sure even if i had done all that i'd take a long time still).
i don't feel like i'm intelligent anymore! then again, i never thought of myself as intelligent, really. at least not until certain times in jc (science classes), post-jc/army, and 2009. apart from those years, i've thought i was pretty dumb. and i'm beginning to think so right now.
rather, i think i'm reaching the horizontal asymptote in my learning curve, when many other people are still climbing up. that's scary, really. maybe i've been really great till i was 21. from here on maybe i'll get brain retardation (you can't fully stop nature, can you) and i start getting more Bs and Cs. and watch as people who didn't do as well in uniform (primary till pre-university) school soar in university and beyond.
i just need a BREAKTHROUGH. to clear my mental blocks i've set up. or, at the very least enjoy what i'm doing.
come to think of it, i NEVER ONCE hated music composition way back in jc, when i could spend whole afternoons sitting at the computer and only coming up with a few bars of music (looks like my low productivity problem has manifested since a long time ago). but i so enjoy listening to the funny sounds i made on sibelius, trying to twiddle with the rhythms, change pitch, add staccato and legato marks... and looking (listening, rather) back, i laugh at the lameness of some of the music.
i had told myself, when i chose my university course, i'd be able to find the true passion for it. like how i managed to survive pre-university music. i'm NOT saying i HATE my course or the discipline, but something i've been doing kills much of the fun.
you know, my attitude last year is different from what it is today. waaay back when i first started out i honestly thought i was better and was in a good placing to do well, even top (because of stupid things like which jc i was from, figuring out how many other people bettered my 'a' level results, figuring out that people aren't very good/critical thinkers from the way they speak etc.) and, you know what, i DID top the level once (1st place shared with at least 3-4 others).
but that' just ONCE, i thought. and so, the previous couple of months i told myself it's not possible to stay there forever, and that i'll drop down someday. and i really did fall (quite terribly, an overall 0.3 drop in CAP... that's 0.6 less in that sem compared with the previous sem).
not possible to hang on to the elusive 4.5.... i think i just hope i don't fall below a 4.0 and get a 2nd lower (sounds yucky right).
i like to believe the CAP is still important because if you can do well in design as well as the other modules, it shows you're really good in design (duh), but also, importantly (which so many people miss out), you're probably really intelligent and can THINK. i still don't understand why some people are enamoured with just pretty things. where's the practicality, the real issues? the philosophy, the ideologies? i had thought people in my course are supposed to be 'the s(m)exiest professionals' according to a global survey.
HAA, so not true.
and i'm afraid i'm now classified as mediocre/average.
(ok end of rant)
and i don't know why i'm so slow in doing anything. why do i procrastinate whenever it comes to creating something...
i could have finished all my panels in time, i realise, if i hadn't spent so much time on photoshopping the earlier panel(s). thank goodness i bothered to create 2 panels a week before. else i'd only have ONE.
should have just printed out the other panels on thursday and get it stamped as 'late'.
and my model making skills are so cui. take so long, so little done!? why, why (friend said it's because i measure everything from scratch instead of pasting the printed plan over the material and cut along the lines, but i'm sure even if i had done all that i'd take a long time still).
i don't feel like i'm intelligent anymore! then again, i never thought of myself as intelligent, really. at least not until certain times in jc (science classes), post-jc/army, and 2009. apart from those years, i've thought i was pretty dumb. and i'm beginning to think so right now.
rather, i think i'm reaching the horizontal asymptote in my learning curve, when many other people are still climbing up. that's scary, really. maybe i've been really great till i was 21. from here on maybe i'll get brain retardation (you can't fully stop nature, can you) and i start getting more Bs and Cs. and watch as people who didn't do as well in uniform (primary till pre-university) school soar in university and beyond.
i just need a BREAKTHROUGH. to clear my mental blocks i've set up. or, at the very least enjoy what i'm doing.
come to think of it, i NEVER ONCE hated music composition way back in jc, when i could spend whole afternoons sitting at the computer and only coming up with a few bars of music (looks like my low productivity problem has manifested since a long time ago). but i so enjoy listening to the funny sounds i made on sibelius, trying to twiddle with the rhythms, change pitch, add staccato and legato marks... and looking (listening, rather) back, i laugh at the lameness of some of the music.
i had told myself, when i chose my university course, i'd be able to find the true passion for it. like how i managed to survive pre-university music. i'm NOT saying i HATE my course or the discipline, but something i've been doing kills much of the fun.
you know, my attitude last year is different from what it is today. waaay back when i first started out i honestly thought i was better and was in a good placing to do well, even top (because of stupid things like which jc i was from, figuring out how many other people bettered my 'a' level results, figuring out that people aren't very good/critical thinkers from the way they speak etc.) and, you know what, i DID top the level once (1st place shared with at least 3-4 others).
but that' just ONCE, i thought. and so, the previous couple of months i told myself it's not possible to stay there forever, and that i'll drop down someday. and i really did fall (quite terribly, an overall 0.3 drop in CAP... that's 0.6 less in that sem compared with the previous sem).
not possible to hang on to the elusive 4.5.... i think i just hope i don't fall below a 4.0 and get a 2nd lower (sounds yucky right).
i like to believe the CAP is still important because if you can do well in design as well as the other modules, it shows you're really good in design (duh), but also, importantly (which so many people miss out), you're probably really intelligent and can THINK. i still don't understand why some people are enamoured with just pretty things. where's the practicality, the real issues? the philosophy, the ideologies? i had thought people in my course are supposed to be 'the s(m)exiest professionals' according to a global survey.
HAA, so not true.
and i'm afraid i'm now classified as mediocre/average.
(ok end of rant)
Sunday, October 24, 2010
The Sunday before the Monday...
I really dislike Sundays. For a normal school student it means going out, hanging out at favourite jaunts with friends, then cramming work (if you are diligent enough) in the evening and somehow manage to finish work by 11pm. At worst, you'll sleep at 12 midnight or maybe 1am. That's totally alright, because you'll just sleep through some classes and lectures, or get a good afternoon's rest after school on Monday.
For a university student, it's work work work on Sundays. I used to give tuition in the morning, sometimes even go out with friends in the afternoon. Now, even with all the extra time not doing much else but work, there's just not enough time? And, it's now normal that I get ~3 hours maximum of rest on Sunday night because I have to do work.
I blame most of it on my inefficiency. I just don't understand why I take so long to formulate things, from deciding what to write in an essay, to figuring out what needs to be in a community space for arts. And I get nowhere in my thought process until the very last moment when any time after that, I would have not enough time to finish what I had started.
As it seems, it looks like I have some idea how to do my work from the start, except that I'm always so hesitant to put the ideas down on pen and paper (or MS Word, or in cardboard and sections and plans). I really don't get how people manage to mitigate complicated relationships in any essay topic or design issue and come out with a workable solution so seemingly quick.
For example, my friend (let's just call him T). T is uber-efficient. T is super quick at doing all his renderings, his drawings, his essays. Well, it helps a lot that he's already proficient at drawing and anything Autodesk or Adobe (makes me wish I had gone against my teacher's wishes and took Art in secondary school. It has obviously helped in some ways - as much as people like to say an education in art doesn't do a lot, if at all, for an education in architecture).
Give me half his skills, man. Then I wouldn't be sleeping so late.
As much as I envy him for being such a work horse, I like to think that he is a no-lifer (don't worry, he's my friend and he's aware that I think this way and we are nice to each other). HAHA. I'm quite sure that he has a real life, like having friends and all that, but so many things he does seem to indicate otherwise. Watching lots of anime, being preoccupied with work to the extent that most of what he talks about in school (with others) is WORK. People know him for doing a lot of WORK. WORK is how he's defined. It seems he'll do any WORK he's given and he'll probably derive sick pleasure from doing WORK!
No, no, I'm not for not doing any work. It's just that he gives the impression that all he does is work or anime (so geeky, right). I know very well that I'm wrong. He somehow has time to gym!?
What I'm slightly unhappy about is his frequent lapses in sensibility. Like, slightly irrational thinking (manifested in daily things and in work, sometimes). But in the end, I guess he's still a happy man for finishing all his work on time (what you don't know won't hurt you, in that way)! And my worrying about this and that and how everything contradicts each other tends to stop me from finishing up my work fast.
In contrast with T, another of my friend, L, is a workhorse but he seems to be much more 'normal'. In the sense that he still works works works, but is shrewder in getting work done. (Maybe I value intelligence a lot.)
Okay, I'm also to blame myself for playing quite a bit this semester. However, I maintain that finishing that game is the better choice. From past experiences, I tend not to replay games. So, if I finish what I had started during the recess week (a very bad idea - I had bought the game for my brother, which he didn't play! A little reward for surviving six weeks of school turned out to be an addiction that's to last for another 5 weeks), I won't be playing the game anymore. Today, I finally managed to complete the game and vanquish those demons. I hope the demons in me go away too. Thinking about it, the amount of time spent playing is about as long as the amount of tuition I gave in the same period of time exactly last year. So, by right I can handle it, right?
You know, the problem with me is that deep down inside, my over-confident subconscious tells me I have more than enough time to do work. I have an uncanny ability to waste the maximum amount of time doing everything else before I actually focus and zip through the entire work (and that, as it seems from the assignment grades I got from last year, gives me a not-very-good-but-decent B+). It also appears that my strength lies in exam cramming. I somehow have been getting good results for any study-able module (I really hope that is sustained).
But things are going to get harder! HOW?
I need more external pressure. You know, just a few weeks ago for the first time ever I actually felt nervous before a crit? In fact, during the week(s) leading up to that crit the very thought of the word 'design' or 'studio' or 'tutor' (or whatever keywords there are related to what I'm doing) gives me palpitations? So obviously, my subconscious has some idea of what lies ahead if I don't put in effort for design. BUT, why am I not pressured to work fast? I just don't get it.
Also, also... hopefully my life in general gets better as soon as possible (probably in three weeks from now). Like, do some exercise, behave normally, sleep well.
There are many things I'm glad for this semester, though. Meeting many new friends (mostly seniors), getting to know some of my batch mates more. I hope I gain much from this semester academically, or achievements-wise as well...
[this post is going to be used as analysis fodder for a module i'm taking in school. lol i can't escape work, can i.]
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
strongly dislikes hypocrites
at least when i get angry and scold people i NEVER make it personal. because i know what it feels like to receive personal hate.
can't believe that /it/ happened right there. and over such a trivial matter, too.
Monday, August 09, 2010
eventful day
1. clean up of place... i'm so happy that there's quite a few people who're willing to sacrifice their precious time to help out, when so many other people aren't free/pretend to not be free :))
[hope that my crankiness isn't too overbearing on people today]
2. received my complimentary copies of the yog album!!!!!!!
when i first heard my song, played back from the cd on a school comp, i got really upset because the quality seemed inferior to the other songs on the album. but here i am on my macbook at home and i think it sounds pretty good :)
3. MY SONG WAS PLAYED IN PUBLIC, WOOHOO! friend was about to watch a movie at lido, and it was somehow broadcasted over there hehhheh...
Friday, July 30, 2010
end of a 2 month long hiatus from the blog.
felt that i should write a post here. because i'm experiencing a lot of awesome things that even my heart - blanched, numbed and sterilised from the fairly recent past - can feel.
1. a senior and a friend whom i know is just, pure awesome T_T he could have very well been like my peers and lead a normal awesome life, but, no. i (stubbornly) refuse to believe in some things others say about him; without what he has done, some things would not be as good as it is now.
pondering about what he had said, i'm so glad i decided to join usp and not just stay in my home faculty. the people over there (usp) make my university life more complete (and hopefully the modules to come will be top-class, i'm pretty sure the usp ones will). although i complain to whoever asks me about going overseas, that i'm envious that so many peers are studying elsewhere, i'm actually - honestly - really contented with the opportunities nus has (didn't realise that i HAVE BEEN contented all this while till now; moaning about not having a scholarship/cash to be in uk or usa is probably just some stupid innate mecahnism in me that tries to explain away me being the anomaly within the alumnus of the 'ivy league gateway' college).
2. met up with a few old army friends. am very thankful and apologetic towards my oc, who just treated his past and present commanders under his charge to a dinner costing (or so i heard) a whopping FOUR DIGIT SUM!? omg. he's too nice in this aspect. i sincerely hope his future will be awesome for him. he's a fantastic person.
anyway, a friend whom i have not met for more than a year unexpectedly turned up. actually, i really hoped to keep our friendship tight, but he's been such a horrible hermit that i hardly got to chat with him during this one plus year, or my attempts on msn failed miserably. don't get me wrong, we get along together well. used to. and so, i actually decided he's not worth the upset feeling i go through whenever i try to message him and told myself to forget him. and so i did. and i didn't expect him to be so happy to see me this evening. or rather, i (ironically) didn't expect myself to be less ecstatic than would be expected if this chance meeting were to happen one plus years ago.
and, i dislike so much the amount of noise a bunch of NSmen/NSFs can generate, especially over lame conversations. anyhow, thankfully i was seated with people i am totally comfortable and familiar with. and i vaguely missed my bunk for a moment (omg) (then again, the bunk and the empty company line especially at night were really lovely places then, when the campus was still a dismembered arm of school one). at that point, i wished i was closer to a few of my friends i found in the army. thank you, to another friend whom i sat with today, for being so genuinely interested in what i've been up to. you're awesome..
3. omg about rag and o-week. this year's o-week is nothing short of WOW. the programme is seriously so good. the meet your major session, picnic, semi dress-up dinner with dining hall tables... OMG.
rag ah. oh please let it be good. thank you mr awesome for your provoking reflections, which i'm SO FREAKING SURE is the main cause of the spike in sign ups for manpower services.
4. brother just got conscripted and he's apparently having a destructive (i mean, negative) mindset in there. didn't get to send him off because i couldn't get out of o-week (ARGH).
and then, i read a forwarded email about how a junior got attacked by muggers and has some members amputated. and i think about my brother *SHUDDERS*. omg i hope he's alright.
closing remarks.
i've not been processing what's going through my mind for so long. i hope i'll grow stronger and re-visit my formerly introspective mind. realise that without that, i'm so lost for words whenever someone else asks me a question.
OK I'M DAMN TIRED NOW I JUST GOT BACK FROM CAMP/DINNER. night.
1. a senior and a friend whom i know is just, pure awesome T_T he could have very well been like my peers and lead a normal awesome life, but, no. i (stubbornly) refuse to believe in some things others say about him; without what he has done, some things would not be as good as it is now.
pondering about what he had said, i'm so glad i decided to join usp and not just stay in my home faculty. the people over there (usp) make my university life more complete (and hopefully the modules to come will be top-class, i'm pretty sure the usp ones will). although i complain to whoever asks me about going overseas, that i'm envious that so many peers are studying elsewhere, i'm actually - honestly - really contented with the opportunities nus has (didn't realise that i HAVE BEEN contented all this while till now; moaning about not having a scholarship/cash to be in uk or usa is probably just some stupid innate mecahnism in me that tries to explain away me being the anomaly within the alumnus of the 'ivy league gateway' college).
2. met up with a few old army friends. am very thankful and apologetic towards my oc, who just treated his past and present commanders under his charge to a dinner costing (or so i heard) a whopping FOUR DIGIT SUM!? omg. he's too nice in this aspect. i sincerely hope his future will be awesome for him. he's a fantastic person.
anyway, a friend whom i have not met for more than a year unexpectedly turned up. actually, i really hoped to keep our friendship tight, but he's been such a horrible hermit that i hardly got to chat with him during this one plus year, or my attempts on msn failed miserably. don't get me wrong, we get along together well. used to. and so, i actually decided he's not worth the upset feeling i go through whenever i try to message him and told myself to forget him. and so i did. and i didn't expect him to be so happy to see me this evening. or rather, i (ironically) didn't expect myself to be less ecstatic than would be expected if this chance meeting were to happen one plus years ago.
and, i dislike so much the amount of noise a bunch of NSmen/NSFs can generate, especially over lame conversations. anyhow, thankfully i was seated with people i am totally comfortable and familiar with. and i vaguely missed my bunk for a moment (omg) (then again, the bunk and the empty company line especially at night were really lovely places then, when the campus was still a dismembered arm of school one). at that point, i wished i was closer to a few of my friends i found in the army. thank you, to another friend whom i sat with today, for being so genuinely interested in what i've been up to. you're awesome..
3. omg about rag and o-week. this year's o-week is nothing short of WOW. the programme is seriously so good. the meet your major session, picnic, semi dress-up dinner with dining hall tables... OMG.
rag ah. oh please let it be good. thank you mr awesome for your provoking reflections, which i'm SO FREAKING SURE is the main cause of the spike in sign ups for manpower services.
4. brother just got conscripted and he's apparently having a destructive (i mean, negative) mindset in there. didn't get to send him off because i couldn't get out of o-week (ARGH).
and then, i read a forwarded email about how a junior got attacked by muggers and has some members amputated. and i think about my brother *SHUDDERS*. omg i hope he's alright.
closing remarks.
i've not been processing what's going through my mind for so long. i hope i'll grow stronger and re-visit my formerly introspective mind. realise that without that, i'm so lost for words whenever someone else asks me a question.
OK I'M DAMN TIRED NOW I JUST GOT BACK FROM CAMP/DINNER. night.
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
the bridge got removed ):
it's mostly my brainchild... the modulation (it's in a third related key!!!), the variation of chord progressions, the melody... and the lyrics are nice too (admittedly i didn't write most of the lyrics)
it's ok, i'll get over this quite soon haha! not sad or upset or anything. just, slightly apprehensive about listening to the complete track without the bridge, and having no idea about how it'll sound like...
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