_Sunday, April 16, 2006*

In the dark of the night.

It's been quite a few nights since I actually slept before 5am. I don't know why but i just can't get to sleep. Insomnia? Guess i've had a lot on my mind lately. Seems that i can't stop thinking or worrying about stuff... lotsa stuff. Ah well, being the worrywart that I am, i guess i can't help it. I guess i guess a lot too... is that guessing too much? I guess so but after all the shit i've been through, who knows me better than myself. On the other hand, sometimes i don't know what i want in life anymore...

Somehow life got much more complicated... or was it me who got more complicated?? Or was life complicated all along but i just didn't realise it then... or was life simple but made complicated by me? What happened, happened so fast, what's happening seems to me as if it's happening even faster. Sooner than i know it, what's to happen will happen even faster than what's happening now. Looks like i've got a lot of issues to sort out... fast.

I want everything to stop even though i know time won't ever stand still. I want the time to figure things out... hell i'd give anything for some certainty in my life. I hate it when everything's so unsure, unplanned and most of the time has enough weight to smack my world totally out of whack. I hate the thought of taking another step without knowing if there's anything to catch me if i fall. I like being prepared for things, being ready and not caught without warning by the unknown... but it will never be enough.

I'm confused.

I don't think i make sense.

I don't know what to think anymore.

Why do i have so many questions i can't find satisfying answers to?

Why am i thinking so much?

*- amanda scribbled at 4/16/2006 03:33:00 AM

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