Happy 18TH Birthday TRACY!!
Hey dear!! hope you enjoyed your bday. =) it's so nice being with you guys again!! you girls are the best. like you said cheers to many more years of this to come!! heehee. sorry we tricked you into drinking beer. but it's not that bad right?? haha and i got more drunk than you did. =X heeeeeeeeeeeeee. ok i'll cya on mon darl!!
toilets in sg are getting prettier.
CHICKEN RICE!!!
OUR SCRIBBLINGS.
KIDDY DRAWINGS!!!
SURPRISE!!!
pretty poolside resort.
tracy dear was taking a while
anybody wants O.J.??
our PRINCESS!!!
chwee kuay, prata, satay, rojak, OJ & beer. >.<
HUGs!
Princess AHMA.
butt was scared of the furry crown.
nav was busy with mommy
GC...
haha!! it was useful after all...
it looks like a scene from titanic
tracy got high!!
haha! we look like we're on a boat.
Maybe baby.
1. VCE's O.V.E.R.
2. It's party time!! CLUBBING tmr!! =)
3. Then it's settle-the-stupid-fucked-up-flight-problem time.
i've got lots to type so bear with me. it's been such a long time since i actually typed something that hasn't been copied and pasted!! ok. i just wanna state some things...
NO... i'm not pissed...
NO... i'm not sad...
NO... i'm not entirely happy...
YES... i don't know what i'm actually feeling like.
NO... i still don't know when i'm going back to sg.
(it's complicated. so please stop asking me. i'm really really tired of repeating. i'll tell you when i'm ready.)
YES... i think i'm snapping at people.
YES... i'm sorry if it's not your fault.
NO... i'm not sorry cos it's your fault.
YES... please stop reading from here on if you can't stand my rantings.
(obviously you've chosen to read on so please don't complain about me being pissed/whiny/mean/random/annoying)
haha. i'm getting weirder by the day. like what buttbutt mentioned in her blog... maybe it's PMS, maybe it's the exam stress, or maybe it's just me. i don't know. i think i'm an optimistic pessimist. essentially a pessimist but i'm optimistic to either focus my negative emotions on something more positive. i'm always forcing myself to be happy or to think happy thoughts. but when the negative emotions just overpower my positive side... it's a whole different story. i get emo. but i try not to be emo unless i really can't stand it. but like every other time i just let it fade away, and it does eventually. but in the mean time JUST LET ME RANT.
it's funny when people ask me why i'm always so happy or hyper... it's also funny when people wonder why i get so down and out... I'M ONLY HUMAN!! isn't that answer obvious?! sometimes i laugh when i'm sad or angry. it's a sarcastic kinda laugh and i know it pisses people off. so the best is not to talk to me when i'm pissed. telling me to relax won't help(cos i eventually will but NOT WHEN I'M PISSED) it's just my way of saying buzz off unless you wanna hate me for blowing up in your face. all i need is time to cool down and then i'll get on with life.
*RANDOM THOUGHT: do people get controlled by their feelings/state of mind or do people control their feelings/state of mind??*
staying on my own's really nice... the peace and quiet which i have a HUGE lack of at home in sg. i love living on my own. the freedom of doing whatever i want whenever i want, the cooking of meals, the grocery shopping, the frequent cleaning up, the not having to answer to anyone but myself, the paying of bills, the budgeting, the independence of it all... I LOVE IT!! i don't like people telling me the obvious... cos it's obvious isn't it?? my mom says that i've always been a very independent girl... as in knowing when to get down to business and when to have fun. they trust that i know how to handle my life in a non-self destructive and balanced manner.
it gives me the time to reflect about the past... to attempt to anticipate what might come in the future(no matter how futile it may seem)... also the opportunity to sort out my thoughts and feelings and also to set a few ground rules for myself. just the time to think and sort stuff out. could vary as much as my grocery list to a recent dilemma and the worst-case-scenario. One rule i've tried to live by as much as possible is to try my absolute best but expect the worst i can possibly think of. i hate the feeling of falling or jumping into the unknown unprepared for anything. i always want to be as prepared as humanly possible... to at least minimise the amount of doubt accumulated to a minimum. expecting the worst makes the fall less painful when i fail but sends me to the moon when i actually succeed. i hate uncertainty but it's always there. can't deny the existence of it... just like how you can't stand some people but yet you can't deny they're existance in your life.
which brings me to another point. i really really hate it when people try to act cute when they're really really not cute. like WAKE UP AND TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT YOURSELF!!
also irks me when people think they're everything that they're not and worse... go around telling everybody else about it. imo they're just desperate for attention. friends aren't people you hang on to just cos you like the attention. friends have feelings too. they're the people who ACTUALLY CONSIDER THE ADVICE GIVEN TO THEM and not say you understand what they're saying when you really don't. they're also the ones you trust. people who i don't think i can trust with anything aren't part of who i consider to be friends... not even aquaintances. so do what you want and say what you want... just don't expect me to reciprocate.
also... something else you should know. when people give me a challenge i usually don't back down without an argument. the last thing you should expect is me to obediently submit... cos if you do... you'll be so wrong. i admit i've got a competitive streak in me that makes me wanna do better when i'm unsatisfied with what i have. the only time you see me doing nothing is when i don't see any point in doing something. that's when you know it's pointless.
talking about being pointless... i find myself questioning why so many things are the way they are. even when things make no sense or have even one ounce of logic in them, they're still happening!! like exams... why have exams?? wasn't school for you to learn stuff and not meant to be a place where you mugged your ass of for a piece of paper?? is that actually learning?? it sounds more like drilling a routine... so what's the point of having exams?? why must society be segregated into categories of economic and social distinctions and why be so money driven?? personal accomplishment... in the form of finances? what about the quality of life?? are we really that powerless to change anything that we find wrong?? this to some may sound like naive thinking... but why do people have to stay ahead of each other?? why must we compete against each other and keep seeking a higher standard of living?? are we actually moving forward and improving or are we heading for a downward spiral of the self destruction of the human race?? how can anyone claim that they're still in the position they are cos it's for the good of others and not for personal gain even if it means actually making things worse for others rather than better??
what's the whole point of my life?
study, go to work, have a family, raise my kids, retire then die.
is this it? what do i want to have accomplished?
how do you actually define a 'good life'?? do you know what you want?? where will i be in 10 years?? 20?? 30?? 40??
it all seems so pointless.
YES... i don't know what i'm typing.
One day... would you?
如果有一天
梁静茹
现在也只能欣赏
唯一的合照一张
淡忘了的是那个街角
想念的是当时的微笑
生活中交错失望
越想念就越孤单
若再被寂寞迎头赶上
多感伤原来只是正常
你是不是也在品尝
一个人的咖啡和天光
是不是也忽然察觉到
多出时间看天色的变换
如果有一天我们再见面
时间会不会倒退一点
也许我们都忽略
互相伤害之外的感觉
如果哪一天我们都发现
好聚好散不过是种遮掩
如果我们没发现
就给彼此多一点时间
A penny for your thoughts...
something to think about while killing time.
Religion was mostly superstition, science for the most part sciolism, popular education merely a means of forcing the stupid and repressing the bright, so that all the youth of the rising generation might conform to the same dull, dead level of democratic mediocrity.
-- Charles Waddell Chesnut, Conjure Tales and Stories of the Color Line
