_Saturday, August 30, 2008*

just trying to get back something i lost/never found.

forewarning: the following post might be confusing and totally nonsensical. if you don't wanna waste your time, please continue clicking and be on your way to some other website. it's gonna be a long post and this is a poorly-worded attempt by the author to straighten out her messed up thoughts.

i can't sleep. too much on my mind i guess... or too little. nowadays i find myself questioning the intention behind my actions and decisions. i kinda came to a conclusion: I HAVE NO IDEA WHY THE HELL I'M DOING WHAT I'M DOING!

btw i also realised that it's been too damn long since i typed attempted to type out a post that would have some substance. you know... some intellectual side that seemed to have vanished from my dumb brain. i know i'm capable of coming up with much better posts than copying and pasting stupidinteresting and amusing articles written by other people. it's MY blog dammit. those articles were a good waste of time but those sure as hell weren't written by me. it's been a long time since i gave comment... MY opinion on more substantial topics or discussion. i kinda feel like i've lost my identity somehow. (that'll probably be under another post. it'll be too long to be to break that down in this post.)anyway, i digress.

I´m broke but I´m happysatisfied
I´m poor but I´m kind
I´m short but I´m healthy, yeah
I´m high but I´m grounded
I´m sane but I´m overwhelmed
I´m lost but I´m hopeful baby

What it all comes down to
Is that I haven´t got it all figured out just yet

I feel drunk but I´m sober
I´m young and I´m underpaid
I´m tired but I´m working, yeah
I care but I´m restless
I´m here but I´m really gone
I´m wrong and I´m sorry baby

What it all boils down to
Is that no one´s really got it figured out just yet
Hand in My Pocket, Alanis Morissette

yes. to try to answer my question of "WHY I'M DOING WHAT I'M DOING", i first have to answer the question of "WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?". honestly, i still don't know. it's like my whole life is just a whole load of RANDOM. i find that word coming into my mind too frequently lately. that's bad. i think i've got some wrongly connected synapses in my brain. i'm just walking in any direction without really thinking about where i'm going... i'm just... walking and walking and walking and walking. yeah, you get my point. it feels like is been a good couple of years since i really said what's on my mind. felt as if my brain kinda switched off and went into hibernation, leaving everything else on auto pilot. Possibly the effect of life throwing at me more fast balls than i can handle and resulting in me being overwhelmed and buried under baseballs.(why baseballs? i kinda read another article about a kid being banned from the little league cos he throws at 40mph. ironic i must say, that's also another nice topic for another post other than this. anw i realised i have a tendency to tie the least related things together and totally go off course from my original direction; just like what i'm doing now. =.= back!) for those who know me and knew what was going on in my family for years now, yeah, i think that was when those baseballs started piling up. for those who dont know what i'm talking about or what incidents i'm referring to, please do NOT try hazarding a guess and please don't assume that you know what went/is going on. don't ask me cos if i haven't told u about it, it just means i'm not prepared to share and will probably never will. harsh i may sound but i'm just saying whatever comes to my mind at this moment. the usual me would probably have deleted the whole chunk up there, but heck, i'm not mincing my words anymore. the more i cut off just makes feel like i'm chipping off parts of me and i'll be left with just an empty shell. been there, done that, hate it. opinionless bobblehead just bouncing along with the bumps on the road. (if you've managed to read till here, i congratulate u for being ever so patient and a true friend, i assume. if you don't agree with that statement then i suppose you're probably some busybody with nothing better to do than read rantings off my blog. nonetheless congratulations for lasting so long on my total gibberish. but you see, i haven't even started on the main, it's only been a taste of the appetizers.)

She ran until her face was numb with cold and
wore a cotton gown that blazed the night untold.
She ran until her feet refused to hold
so heavy a heart for someone merely ten years old.
And when she reached the river her knees began to shiver,
her head with pounding voices from home.
Behind her was a vision, a painful apparition
of a darker world that no-one should know.
The River, Missy Higgins (i love songs by Missy Higgins.)

that song just happened to be playing in the background as i hammered away on my keyboard. just thought i'd paste it in. i love the songs that i love... haha. i love/hate how that totally seems like it doesn't make much sense yet perfect sense to me. (just a hint of my what else is coming - my messy train of thought.)

I remember someone old once said to me,
That lies will lock you up, with truth the only key.
But I was comfortable and warm inside my shell,
And couldn't see this place could soon become my hell.

So is it better to tell and hurt, or lie to save their face?
Well I guess the answer is don't do it in the first place.
I know I'm not deserving of your trust from you right now
The Special Two, Missy Higgins

i don't know why, but i just suddenly felt like i had to type this post out. long winded as it may seem, it's here for me just to talk things out with myself. can't do it in my head, tried that and concluded that i'll go nuts. (maybe that's how schizophrenia starts.) just need a venue to pen everything down. don't feel like writing, i take too long to write something and my thoughts just run off before i manage to capture them in their entirety. don't feel like talking; can't put it out in words cos i probably won't make much sense to another person and there would have been clashing views which would probably send me back to dont-wanna-think-about-it land. now, what was i typing about... WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE, YOURSELF AND YOUR TIME? there was a long pause when i got here. where do i even start? ok i'll begin with the bulk of it: uni. i had a good chat with a long-not-really-forgotten-but-kinda-pushed-aside-for-a-long-while friend yesterday about quite a fair bit. part of it being my course and the options i've got. it struck me that while part of the reason i wanted to come to melbourne to study was to escape sg's system of memorisation and hardcore mugging, i've landed myself in a slightly more relaxed sys that WOULD have worked out for me the way i wanted it to IF i had a little background knowledge in bio. some background on the stuff i'm studying: bio, biochem, biophysics, biostats, molecular bio, neurobio... there u see a very common 3 alphabets that consistently pop up. B. I. O. throughout my entire life, i can unfortunately say that i've never once studied bio as a subject on its own in all the 18 years of my short life. my lecturers have all done or are in the process of doing their research in some bio related field of health science. they approach my lectures with the outlook of a well seasoned coach and i'm a total rookie at the game. i'm still picking up the ABCs of basic bio! and it dawned upon me, the only tried and tested way that i know of for approaching a totally new subject is guess what... MEMORISATION. unless someone here can inform me of an ingenious alternative to approaching bio without the routine mugging and late night coffees. what i tried to get away from has now become my only option. HAHA! totally dumb aren't i? i didn't see that coming when it's totally obvious now. though a major upside is that the pace is much slower than in sg and the lecturers are able to relay their lecture material in a much clearer and understandable format to the students. not really sure how they do that, but they i know they do cos at least i've got a brief idea of what they're talking about... i think.

there's also the part about me wanting to get into dentistry really badly. i'm here. but i'm also trying to get there, i'm not sure if i'll be able to make it and i'm also not sure how long it'll take me to get there if i do get there. i've lost a chance once, i'm going for a second shot. but part of me can't help wondering... should i continue trying if i so-unfortunately-but-possibly fall short of getting in again on my second try? i don't want to spend my whole life trying to get something only to fail time and again. it's a slap in my face saying that i'm not good enough. should i take that as a motivator to keep trying or should i take it as a sign to stop and maybe consider another option? i don't know when to stop trying!

one way to look at it would be just try and see how things are when you get there, take it a step at a time with as few future plans made as possible? it's worked sometimes but most of the time i just see myself falling flat on my face, brushing myself off and picking myself up again and continue either heading in the same direction or ignoring the path i'm on and walking in a new direction with a new goal. i can't help but see the obvious signboard pointing down on me saying "am i going where i'm supposed to be going?"... or am i just walking in circles? from my perspective, all the paths infront of me look the same... currently there doesn't seem like any possible way i can ever get a birds eye view of where i am and the geographic orientation of my surroundings. here i am standing in the middle of the forest, surrounded by tall trees with no map, no gps and no sense of where to walk to, stranded with only a notion that i wanna get somewhere. what do i do now?? some say ask God, some say just walk and if u walk into a ditch then that's too bad, some say just keep walking and you'll get there someday (by luck? by chance? by your own will? by some divine intervention?)

so far i've asked myself but i'm totally disoriented. i've asked God but either i got no answer/am still waiting for an answer/don't know when i'll get an answer/have i gotten an answer that i never comprehended? i ask others but it seems like they're just as clueless as i am. then i'm back to asking myself. i'm trying to dig deeper, but i don't seem to get anywhere. now where do i go from here?

But you weren’t listening too hard,
Under every word’s a jaded heart.
And you weren’t listening too hard, now were you?

Can you pull your head out a moment and try to find a second just to breathe?
I was trying to be a picture, a pillar of solidity you see?
But you weren’t listening too hard,
Under every word’s a jaded heart.
Now give me your best and I’ll take it, feel it, breathe it,
Then watch me throw it back to you.
The Battle, Missy Higgins

Now then, life still continues and time still keeps passing. this post just goes to show how lost i am in this world and time. i've been floating on by in the huge wide ocean just going where the waves carry me. despite my constant paddling, all i see is blue sky and no land. that's the whole basis of this post.

Well this could mean something or this could mean nothing. Afterall, these paragraphs are just a few beads of words hung together with a thread of barely-there intention... or do these beads come together to form an intricate tapestry that i just can't see?

* Afterword: this post is just another indication of the multitude of my recent random acts.

*- amanda scribbled at 8/30/2008 12:44:00 AM

+***+

_Friday, August 22, 2008*

Black, White & Grey

Ironic
Alanis Morissette

An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day
It's a black fly in your Chardonnay
It's a death row pardon two minutes too late
And isn't it ironic, don't you think

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
And who would've thought it figures

Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids good-bye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
Well isn't this nice
And isn't it ironic... don't you think?

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
And who would've thought it figures

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up in your face

A traffic jam when you're already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic, don't you think?
A little too ironic and yeah I really do think

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought it figures

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out

*- amanda scribbled at 8/22/2008 06:52:00 PM

+***+

_Sunday, August 10, 2008*

HA! nothing wrong really wrong with knuckle cracking!

after doing all that biostats and epidemiology crap about relative risk and correlation... it's starting to get to me even when i read random articles like this one!! omgoshhhhh.

Wise Answers to Old Wives' Tales
By Ben Cramer, Prevention

Does reading in low light really hurt your eyes? How about sitting too close to the TV? (No, and no.) Why are you better off drinking exactly eight glasses of water per day? (You're not.) Thanks to quack culture, the Internet, and well-intentioned but poorly informed relatives, it's become harder than ever to separate fact from fiction. Whatever its origin, misleading health information can cause unnecessary anxiety and distract you from wellness habits that truly deserve your energy and attention. Here's a dissection of six watercooler myths that will give you all the authority you need to refute your brother's latest forwarded e-mails.


Cell phones are dangerous to use in hospitals because they can interfere with medical equipment.

Verdict: JURY'S OUT.

There's a chance that a cell phone call in the wrong spot can cause ventilators, syringe pumps, or even pacemakers to pulse incorrectly, according to a 2007 Dutch study. The researchers tested modern cell phones, including PDAs that use wireless Internet signals. After placing the phones just a few centimeters from devices, researchers found that 43% of the phones caused electromagnetic interference with critical care equipment—and a third of those instances could be potentially life-threatening to patients. But those findings countered a Mayo Clinic study a year prior that found no instances of "clinically important" interference between cell phones and medical machines. In fact, Mayo researchers advised hospitals to revise or drop their cell phone bans.

Bottom Line: Play it safe for now. Use a designated cell phone area at the hospital, which most now offer—or use a call as an excuse for a walk-and-talk outside for some fresh air and exercise. If you feel compelled to stay by a relative's side in the ER or recovery room, make sure to carry a good old-fashioned calling card to use at a pay phone.


It's safe to follow "the five second rule" for food dropped on the floor.

Verdict: FICTION.

It's probably not even safe to follow a one-second rule: The transfer of bacteria from a contaminated surface to food is almost instantaneous—or, at the very least, quicker than your reflexes. In a recent study, Clemson University food scientist Paul Dawson, Ph.D., and students contaminated several surfaces (ceramic tile, wood flooring, and carpet) with Salmonella. They then dropped pieces of bologna and slices of bread on the surfaces for as little as five seconds and as long as 60 seconds. After just five seconds, both food types had already picked up as many as 1,800 bacteria (more bad bugs adhered to the moisture-rich bologna than the bread); after a full minute, it was up to 10 times that amount.

Bottom Line: There are 76 million cases of foodborne illness annually in the United States, according to the CDC—so unless you're the only family on the block that sterilizes their floors on an hourly basis, you should refrain from eating dropped food. "Let's not forget what comes into contact with floors—people bring animal feces on their shoes into their homes," Dawson says. And don't assume that countertops are clean. Dawson's team also found that the Salmonella actually survived as long as four weeks on the test surfaces. As the recent tomato-related illnesses nationwide showed, "raw fruits and vegetables are as frequently the perpetrators of Salmonella transfer as poultry," Dawson says.


Cracking your knuckles can cause arthritis

Verdict: FICTION.

If you're suffering from osteoarthritis in your hands, it certainly has nothing to do with this nervous tic. One study at the former Mount Carmel Mercy Hospital in Detroit compared 74 people (age 45 and older) who had been chronic knuckle crackers for decades with 226 who always left their hands alone; researchers found no difference in the incidence of osteoarthritis between the two groups. But there are reasons to stop this annoying habit: The same study found knuckle crackers to be far more likely to have weaker grip strength and greater hand swelling, both of which can limit dexterity. As for osteoarthritis, that's more likely due to genetics and increasing age.

Bottom Line: Try turning your nervous energy into a less harmful habit that occupies your hands (such as doodling). If a different activity doesn't get you to stop, try putting a large rubber band around your wrist and every time you catch yourself cracking your knuckles, pull it back and let it snap as a reminder that your habit really can be harmful. Most important, get to the bottom of what's causing your nervousness in the first place—you may crack your knuckles more often at work than at home, for example—and address those sources directly.


Cola-type soft drinks can damage your kidneys.

Verdict: FACT.

Despite their global popularity, there's nothing remotely healthy about cola beverages: Drinking 16 ounces or more daily (whether diet or regular) doubles your risk of chronic kidney disease, according to a recent NIH study of more than 900 people. The researchers already knew that consuming any type of soft drink—the average American adult guzzles 59 gallons' worth per year—is associated with several risk factors for kidney disease (hypertension, diabetes, and kidney stones), but the spike in the cola category was remarkable. Experts suspect that the ingredient phosphoric acid may be the culprit; it's been repeatedly linked to "urinary changes that promote kidney stones," say the study authors. Cola has an additional knock against it: Consumption is associated with significantly lower bone density in women, increasing the risk of osteoporosis and bone fractures, says a separate study.

Bottom Line: If you're going to indulge in an occasional soda, go for Sprite, 7-Up, ginger ale, and the like—the NIH study found that noncola drinks didn't have the same impact on the kidneys. But you'll be better off if you skip soda altogether, even the sugar-free varieties: Recent research showed an association between drinking diet soda and weight gain.


"Double dipping" spreads germs from one chip to another.

Verdict: FACT.

In a classic episode of "Seinfeld," a man accused George Costanza of spreading germs by "double-dipping"—swiping a chip into a bowl of dip, taking a bite, and then dipping the same chip again. Having settled the five-second rule debate, Clemson University's Dawson decided to do the same recently with this alleged party faux pas. It turns out that George really was contaminating the other guests: Using Wheat Thins and various dips, Dawson found that a double-dip deposited thousands of saliva bacteria into the dip—and of those, 50 to 100 were later transferred through the dip to a clean cracker, presumably destined for another guest's mouth. Still unknown, however, is how long such bacteria can survive in the dip or if they can actually infect another dipper upon ingestion.

Bottom Line: You'd better be pretty comfy with your party guests. "Eating from a dip after someone has dipped twice is basically the same as kissing that person," Dawson says. Be especially wary of thin dips; the study found that the lower the dip's viscosity, the higher the rate of germ transfer from a double dip. For example, a chip's second plunge into a cheese dip is less cause for concern than a watery salsa—thicker dips apparently don't allow errant bacteria to travel as far as thinner varieties. Finally, think twice about digging into any dip at the end of the night; remnants on the sides or bottom of a bowl are most likely a highly concentrated mash of germs, Dawson says, akin to the last sip in a can of soda.


Eating locally produced honey can ease seasonal allergies.

Verdict: JURY'S OUT.

The theory seems sound: Bees in your neighborhood feed on the same pollen that gives you itchy eyes and a runny nose. That pollen gets added to the hive's honey, and ingesting it helps you build a tolerance to those allergens—or so the thinking goes. But does this really work? "We don't know—there are no studies to support it, only testimonials," says Leonard Bielory, M.D., director of the Asthma and Allergy Research Center at New Jersey Medical School. Of course, the same process could produce negative effects—bees may visit problem plants, such as poison ivy, and cause a rash in people ingesting the ivy-tainted honey. Yet anecdotal reports claim just the opposite: Some honey lovers insist that the sweetener has helped build an immunity to such reactions.

Bottom Line: Keep standard allergy remedies on hand, but feel free to enjoy local honey, too—it's a worthy replacement for other sweeteners and even has natural antibiotic properties.
Provided by Prevention

LINK-> http://health.msn.com/health-topics/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100212344>1=31036

*- amanda scribbled at 8/10/2008 05:52:00 PM

+***+

_Tuesday, August 05, 2008*

kicked on my butt.

5/8/2008's Horoscope:

"As much as you would like to, you can't spend all day flirting -- focus on work."

HAHA!! ok back to work!!!

*- amanda scribbled at 8/05/2008 08:14:00 PM

+***+