freezing the memories

originally written on: Tuesday, September 05, 2006

THE party

it was the eve of saturday, 26th feb 2005, adrin got invited to awin's 29th bday party at the ascot. i went with him expecting to have fun and get wasted. his frens at the party were of the up-market kind. i, the natural chameleon, started to work my way around the party, trying to look as comfortable as these ppl in their environment. i think i succeeded.

an hour into the party after i've drank a few glasses of vodka, i became tipsy and more frenly. suddenly i saw this guy sitting at the dining table looking at me, and he wasnt even hiding it. and i looked back at him thinking "what the hell does this guy want from me?", and then i thot "is he looking at me or someone behind me?" in my drunken state, i got annoyed. so anyway, adrin sat down at the table and he introduced me to "jimmy" :) i thot he wasn't a malay but he said he is. we chatted for a bit and i asked if he was single and he said he is - yowza! i know i was there with my bf, but i couldnt help but liking this new guy sitting next to me. so my devious mind was working fast trying to find a way to see him again and i asked him if he was ok with me matchmaking him with my fren. he said it's ok and he trusts my judgment. i got excited and asked adrin if X is a good match, and he said just try lah. i got more excited and thot of how to meet these 2 ppl - with me around (so that i could meet him again! hehe)

the party climaxed during the cake cutting at midnite and then everyone was doing their own things.. the crowd grew in number as the nite passed on.. i got tired of pretending to be a socialite so i went to the vacant bedroom and slept on the bed alone at around 3am. a few minutes later, came this person and laid down next to me, who can it be but JIMMY - yay! (i wasn't even thinking about adrin at that time haha) we laid on the bed for quite some time, chatting a bit as both of us were drunk by that time.. then adrin came and slept with us on the bed. at about 4-5am, jimmy left, leaving me with a silly grin on my face..

THE beginnings

the next day i kept thinking of jimmy.. (i actually kept thinking of him a month after that!) on monday when i went to work, i told my colleagues that "i met someone" like i was single or smthg.. i know from that point onwards i had a crush on jimmy but i was in denial - of course lah, i was still attached to adrin mah. so the only one i told about this infatuation was azrul.. even he told me to pursue this guy.. i hid my excitement to see him behind the dates i organised for him and X. so every weekend for the next 2 months we went out cos X was too ego or too shy to call him and to ask him out personally. so i was the official "date arranger" for her.. she kept asking me if we're gonna go out with jimmy this wkend and i kept making plans for everybody.. we kept going out in a group and within those 2 months, my relationship with adrin got worse. the last time we went out in a group with jimmy was for karaoke at berjaya times square - azrul, hazmin, X, nicole, jimmy, sonya, faizol, adrin and myself. we had a gala time singing our hearts out. i sang out my frustration cos just b4 that, adrin and i had a huge row - the row that led to our separation. a blessing in disguise, really.

long story short - X was head over heels with jimmy but the feeling was not mutual. so my separation with adrin was his motivation to step in. i knew he liked me as a fren but i never knew it to be more than that. while i was keeping my attraction towards him at bay, he was doing the same!

THE stepping stone

azrul planned for all of us to go to bukit tinggi for a wkend escape. jimmy was very excited to go and he made his move b4 the trip. he asked me out for dim sum and i went with an open heart and mind as i didnt want to be frustrated if his feelings weren't mutual. after dim sum, we watched a movie (In Good Company starring Dennis Quaid and the guy from the 70s Show). i thot it was just a normal lunch in klcc, it turned out to be our first date :) (i still have the movie ticket stubs, it's now framed)

we didnt see each other during the weekdays after that lunch.. didn't even plan for anything for the next wkend cos by that time, he's made known his feelings weren't for X (altho X was very very excited to go on the bukit tinggi trip with him - the poor thing). then came the labour day wkend and on 2nd may 2005, azrul & hazmin (would-be couple) and me and jimmy went to have dinner at alexis, great eastern mall. i was so excited and nervous at the same time to see him after a week's passed. i didnt know how he really felt about me and all my feelings for him were just waiting to burst. we had dinner, chatted and then it happened. we were sitting next to each other and then he took my handphone and typed in "how did u know that i like u?" he handed the hp back to me and i was actually shocked to see what he wrote. i composed myself and typed back "i didnt know!". we had our own little conversation that way for quite some time, with azrul and hazmin in front of us in their own little world. he made it clear that he's liked me from the beginning at the party and wanted me to be more than just a fren. i was flattered and at the same time ecstatic that he feels the same way.

THE trip

bukit tinggi trip happened the next wkend after the confessions. i declared to him that i actually liked him from the start too and that i'd like to try having a relationship with him. i also told him that i just got out from a very hurtful relationship and that i didnt want him to be my rebound guy. he said he didnt want to be that too (which is a good start!)

so anyway, the drive up to bukit tinggi was very interesting. X still didnt know what had happened in the past few days ie the confessions between me and jimmy so she carried on as usual.. i sat in the middle between jimmy and X at the back seat of azrul's range rover and we discreetly held hands. X was none the wiser...

at bukit tinggi resort's 2 bedroom apartment, we relaxed and lazed about, watched dvd and still discreetly holding hands.. the wonder of it all was how could X have missed all this right under her nose? i'm really amazed at her power of observation, or the lack of it!

that nite, sleeping arrangements were very funny. the master bedroom had a queen sized bed and the other room had 2 singles. after a round of scrabble and vodkas, azrul announced to jimmy that hazmin wanted to sleep with him. i was ready to sleep on the sofa downstairs and i was only hoping that jimmy would want to accompany me downstairs while X retired in the master bedroom. well, my wish came true when he made a little bed for the both of us out of the 2 sofas. he slept beside me and said that he wanted to kiss me.. it was very special, that nite... i think he's forgotten it but he did ask me to be engaged to him that nite itself after we made out hihi ;)

THE incident

morning came and it only dawned on X that she came with 2 couples and she was the fifth wheel. she made it obvious that she was upset as she saw jimmy and i on the sofa at the bottom of the stairs hugging (or kissing i dont remember which) each other. she left the apartment and went to the cafe to get away from us. all 4 of us were obviously not ready to leave the apartment so we dilly-dallied in getting ready for breakfast.. i felt a mixture of guilt and pity towards her for kind of "taking" the guy she liked but hey they weren't going out or anything.. maybe i also felt a little bit of vindication in a sense.. i dono.. she's not an angel.. i really don't know what i should've done.. so i left it at that.

after bukit tinggi, X and i were never the same again. we had a cold war and i apologised for what happened up in the hills.. i think most of all, she felt betrayed by me but it was beyond my power. jimmy never felt any chemistry with her and she can't force him to like her right? it was just fated that jimmy and i were to become a couple the complicated way...

THE (whirlwind) courtship

not long after then, we went to penang, just jimmy and i.. in penang, he confessed to me that he had noble intentions with me and that he wasnt in it just for a ride. he wanted to meet my parents and all that.. wow. i was confused and kept asking him, has he really made up his mind? i told him "i'm not perfect, you know.." he said "but you're perfect for me.." (awwww..)

he met with umi and walid after about 3 mths into the courship (we went steady on 5 may 05 when i declared my liking for him), proposed to me in july and the official merisik followed in nov.. we were really in a daze at the speed of our courtship and where it was taking us... i had cold feet but i knew i was ready to dive into the deep end of the pool with him...

THE proposal

on 28th july 05, he brought me to langkawi for its romantic settings and background.. b4 we went, i was just talking to my sister and said that the best proposal jimmy could ever make was while we were sunbathing on the sandy beaches in langkawi.. i would be lying down next to him and he would turn to me and ask for my hand in marriage with a single rose.. well, to my surprise, it DID happen just the way i imagined it! (minus the rose though ;).. i don't know how he read my mind but it only goes to show how much in love we were with each other..

we were lying down on the mat on the beach after he took a dive in the sea.. we were hugging each other and he suddenly said, "miss zeeda daughter of yazid, will you marry me?".. i reacted by smiling at him cos i didnt think it was a real proposal. he then shook me and said this is for real, and then i laughed my nervousness off and said YES! we then sealed it with a kiss...

THE life

this 11 sept 06, it will be our 6th month wedding anniversary.. we have our downs, but the ups justify why we are together.. i only pray to God to help me take control of my flaws and be the right soulmate for him as he is for me.. we are planning to have our little mini-mes in the near future as a symbol of the union of our love..and i hope we live a long life of being in love with each other... together forever, for better or for worse...

*this post was taken out from the cokelightonly site due to an anonymous stalker making bad accusations via the comments section.

xxxxxxxx

13 Feb 08
AN update

next month it'll be our 2 years' anniversary. our first year of marriage was very rocky, as is normal with any other newly married couples due to the adjustments we have to make living with somebody new. but now, i can confidently say that our love and respect has gotten stronger and we will try to build a happy family.

he's a very good husband to me... very loving, caring, gentle, funny, understanding, very thoughtful, grounded and practical, and most of all very patient... i know he will be a good father to our children and he'll continue to be the best hubby to me for as long as we live, insyaAllah...

the end of the beginning of the end of the beginning - does it make sense to u?

newsflash: to my geng tekbes, pada ari sabtu bersamaan 5hb mei ini, saya sudah terlupa bahawasanya kita telah menge-book date itu utk sesi gosip kita sekali lagi. saya akan mengalami sedikit masalah teknikal pada hari itu di mana saya hanya boleh berjumpa pada waktu pagi iaitu dari subuh hingga ke 11.30 pagi sahaja. sudah saya umumkan kepada puan pengelola tentang masalah saya ini. jadi jika semua orang boleh berjumpa pada masa yang saya berikan, saya boleh men-join sesi ini. otherwise, saya kena pass ke lain hari. mintak maap dan harap maklum ye :)

ps: swensen's subang parade sounds fab! (dekat ngan umah aku maa hehe).

-posted at 5.10pm-

*******

today is the first day i shall go into limbo mode at my current employment. the powers that be have accepted my resignation and once they heard where i'm going, they said GO. and that's exactly what i plan on doing! :)

anyhow... on a different note, i made a boo-boo. and i feel super terrible about it now.

what do u do when u made a mistake that u thought was not a mistake at the time but the more u think about it, u should've stopped where u should've but u didn't and u let it get worse and u couldn't just stop midway cos that'd be like tergantung so u just continue the mistake until infinity. well, not infinity lah.. but still. the wound has been made, the scar will definitely be embedded and the memories shall remain. i just hope we learn from our mistakes more than we dwell on them. that'd be like, stoopid (the dwelling, that is).

nevertheless, i do have some ke-tak-puasan-hati-ness. with certain people. and how they got into the equation. aku geram sampai termimpi-mimpi. but never mind, only God will membalas "jasa" mereka *hmph*.

ok so in the spirit of cleaning my slates and after Amy's act of changing her blog address, i felt compelled to do the same as i feel that "cokelightonly" no longer represents who i am now. nor does "the journal of a wandering / errant mind". these names were coined some 4 years ago when i started my blog as a personal online journal which nobody but me could read.

but as i've grown with experience from then to now, i feel that it's time to let go of the old memories that are laced with some badness and some goodness, some sadness and some happiness...

i have now become a slightly different person. for better or for worse, i'm not quite sure which. but different, nonetheless.

about my writing, i'm not sure if u will read a new zeeda or just the same old one. i don't know how much different i will be, i guess it all depends on my mood that day.

so by tomorrow, may 4, 2007, u will no longer find me here.

if u find me at my new crib, u find me. and if u don't, u don't. i stop no one from forwarding my new address to others, neither do i promote it. i suffer no losses and i don't think u have, too. but i do hope that u have enjoyed reading me and felt the happiness and the sorrow i felt during those penned times...

and to the frens who often leave comments, thank u guys. u are well appreciated :)

let's begin a new chapter full of more happiness and sorrow...

shall we?

tag: life is like a LAYERED box of chocolates

in my blogging lifetime, i've only been tagged once before. this is the 2nd time, by Kak Dilla. yang ini aku tak gemor sangat lah cos soalan2 dia semua very prying indeed. contrary to popular belief, i am not a disclosure-whore. yes i might tell u when i've had or will have sex (semalam takde, maybe tonite heh heh) but other things... hmm... *thinking*

tapi takpe, since sudah kena tag, macam amanah la pulak, kena buat jugak. jadi silakan baca - kalau mau lah.

Layer One: On the Outside
Name: Princess Sharifah Nor Paris Ramzeeda Hilton ibni Tuanku Syed Yazid Jamalullail (the clan name tu betul k)
Birthdate: 1st June 1977 (dah tuaaaa dah aku ni)
Current status: Am i really married?
Eye colour: Blue of course
Hair colour: Unnatural blonde
Righty or Lefty: Ambidextrous

easy enuf...

Layer Two: On the Inside
My heritage: Heritage tu menda? my paternal nenek was a siamese. that's why ramai orang ingat aku cinak. tapi my dad looks nothing like a siamese, mcm indon ada gak hehe.
My fears: God the Almighty and neraka (no joke ok)
My weaknesses: None (fuyoh)
My perfect pizza: What does that have got to do with the other questions?

oh kayyyy...

Layer Three: Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow
My thoughts first thing when i wake up: Must i wake up? must i not? what time is it man? why is there someone calling me at this godforsaken hour? oh, that's the alarm clock. sheesh.
My bedtime: Kalau ada permainan konda kondi atau batu seremban atau galah panjang, around midnight. otherwise, around 11.30ish.
My most missed memory: Being in my mommy's womb

fuh, sangat la challenging.

Layer Four: My Picks
Pepsi or Coke: Coke Light Only, PLEASE.
McDonald's or Burger King: Booger King - the food of the royalties
Single or group dates: Depends. if i'm tired of looking at the hubs' face, then group dates are very much welcomed.
Adidas or Nike: Who cares? does anybody care?
Tea or Nestea: Both oso can.
Chocolate or vanilla: If ice cream, then vanilla. if the real deal, chocs are my second makanan suji.
Cappucino or coffee: If drinks, then cappucino. if ice cream, then coffee (haagen dasz is da bomb)

isk semua nak tau.

Layer Five: Do I
Smoke: Quit when i said "I Do" but sometimes tu ada lah a stick or two here and there *points guilty finger at heidey*
Curse: Hell yeah! mostly fuck and shit, and in all their variations - fark, eff, shite, shiet (pronounced differently tau), sheet, sheets, shierts, etc.
Take a shower: WTF?
Have a crush: On my hubs
Think i've been in love: With the hubs? still am...
Go to school: Not since i was 17
Want to get married: The question should be: wantED to get married? then, DUH.
Believe in myself: Believe that i am beautiful and slim?
Think i'm a health freak: Hubs is. that's enuf health freaking for the both of us.

what kinda questions are these?

Layer Six: In the Past Month
Drank alcohol: The last time was on my hen's night and hell was that fun! :)
Gone to the mall: Baru je pegi tadi masa lunch - court's mammoth with kayun
Eaten sushi: Does tempura udon count?
Dyed your hair: I just said, i'm an unnatural blonde. DUH.

yennadeyyy..

Layer Seven: Have I Ever
Played a stripping game: Nope.
Changed who i am to fit in: Usually other people yang change who they are to try and fit into my world. howzat? heh.

apa dis...

Layer Eight: Age
I am hoping to get married: Not "am" dear.. hel-low.

soalan cepumas betullah. kalau aku belum kawin lagi sure dah marah dah..

Layer Nine: What Was I Doing
1 min ago: Tak relevan la soalan ni.. of course la buat tag ni! kalau nak tau sangat - korek idung.
1 hour ago: Still doing this an hour ago.. i take my sweet time.
4.5 hours ago: Court's mammoth - refer Layer 6
1 month ago: Rethinking my life goals
1 year ago: Enjoying the "inai" on my fingers kot..

aku berak pon dia nak tau bila kot.

Layer Ten: Finish the Sentence
I love: Me
I feel: Cold
I hate: Being cold
I hide: From my boss
I need: Body heat

Layer Eleven: Tag 5 People
Silalah buat tag ini jika tuan-tuan dan puan-puan rasa macam bosan dan takde menda lain nak buat. macam aku.

Sekian, terima kasih Kak Dilla. NOT :P (no anger intended)

ps: please excuse the sarcasm. i'm a pms-ing biyatch.

hullo mr. wabbit @ ching chong!

last night at around 10pm, coming back from some grocery shopping, we found a cute little hippity hop rabbit dekat2 dgn our house. it was hopping alone and jim didn't want to stop at first but i wanted to and i racun-ed him saying that if it were gypsie that was lost, we'd be so sad that nobody helped her find her way home.

upon hearing that, he immediately stopped *racun worked*

i hopped out of the car to go and catch it. i thot it was gonna be a hard task but amazingly, mr. wabbit was very easy to catch. it was as if he was willing himself to be caught. so i caught him and we went to buy some vegetables to feed him.

i asked my next-door neighbor if she knew anyone around who rears rabbits. she said yes and showed which house it was. i told jim of the news and the then-reluctant daddy suddenly seemed sad that we couldn't keep it.

mr. wabbit, or ching chong as i call it (i suspected that he was chinese, and true enuf, he is!) is very tame. he didn't meronta-ronta when i held him and came to like the kits quite quickly. daddy even cleaned the cage for ching chong...

panda: what's goin on behind this door! i want my food and i want to take a piss!!

gypsie: rilek ah brader... ko ni kancheong ah.. buat malu cathood je.

(please excuse the hairy human legs yah)

panda: oh finally, i'm soooo hungry! *nyum nyum gobble gobble*

gypsie: woi come la look who's inside our cage! what's that?

panda: pesal tinga dia besor sangat? bulu sama je cam kita.

gypsie: aku macam ingat-ingat lupa la dia ni rupa macam saper...

gypsie: ahh! macam ancestors aku kot!! I SIT LIKE HIM!

both: *ogling* oooh aahhh

panda: ehh ehh dia main lagu hip hop la, jom nari! *senget2 kepala*

panda: dik, kita tunggu jelah kat sini.. tengok apa dia nak buat. sapa lagi kuat dia yang akan menang!!

gypsie: wa ok je bang. tapi menang apa? ada contest ke? *dumb blond*

ching chong: woii blah lahh!! aku nak berak pon tak senang. isk. nyesal nyer aku lari rumah!

...my heart is fixed...

my sweetheart is coming home today yayssssss :D

i'm so happy i could die!

no more lonely nights
no more hugging the pillows tight
no more images of ghosts in the kitchen
no more eating kentucky fried ciken
no more sleeplessness
no more loneliness
and best of all
no more sexless!

wakaka
my miserable attempt at rhyming. fergeddit. heh.

please click on the link!

if u don't find this funny, u should just go and die.

bi nais, yo.

apa-apa jelah

said bye bye to hubba hubba yesterday. this is our first time apart lepas kawin. i felt funny sleeping alone on the big bed not having his constant tugging and pulling and pushing and funny sounds in the middle of the night. hmm best jugak tido sorang ni - nyenyak siot ;)

cleaned the kitty litter pan for the first time evar last night. yuck. this was one of the most dreaded things i felt when hubs said he was going away for 6 days (bukannya sebab i'll miss him? ;)

watched SpongeBob SquarePants last 2 nights and a light came on in my head - why didn't i name my new car "SpongeBob" before? they're both yellow and square. so i am now officially changing its name to SpongeBob from Little Miss Sunshine. please call it Bob for short *renjis air mawar on Bob* :D

yesterday edmun the loser moron said to me:
him: u put on weight ah zeeda?
me: *not even looking at him* shut up lah.

how do i not seethe? do i not bleed? padan lah takde girlfren lagi! dah 30 tahun pon tak pandai2 lagi. eeeeeee!

wiki woo has passed away, guys. she is now hanging off a hook at restaurant bee fatt in kaypong. pray that she'll be delicious to her eaters, i fed her apples and bathed her everyday u know.

in replacement is a new pet i adopted. she was saved from those people who like to eat exotic animals. she was among the turtles saved last week. u can click on her to play, pet & feed her some steak.

please welcome bici boo sook :)

i am so bored at work.

wait...... what work?

update @ 11.41 am: could this be true? update on 20 Apr @ 9.17 am: oh yeah damn straight it's true!!