AF Finally Made It To Town!

Just wanted to provide an update - sorry if its TMI but I've never been so happy to see her!

So, estimated dates from here on out:

Monday, June 2nd - Lupron Evaluation, begin Gonal-F & Menopur
Friday, June 13th - estimated egg retrieval
Monday, June 16 - Wednesday, June 18 - estimated embryo transfer

AF Seems to be MIA

Well, I've been on Lupron for 9 days now and stopped the bcp last Sunday and I still can't get AF to come to town. This was the last complication I expected because I've always been really regular. I called my RE yesterday and she didn't seem too concerned - told me to come in Monday morning regardless. If I happen to get it over the weekend, that would be Day 2/3 anyway and if I don't get it, I don't know what happens next. Has anyone had this problem before? Do I get a shot to get things going? Do I stay on Lupron until it comes? Does this mean I'm responding too well to the Lupron or that the bc pills just got me out of whack?

I'm so worried that the entire cycle is going to get screwed up and I'll get delayed another month. If anyone reads this and has any advice, I sure would appreciate it!

I've Given Birth To A....

7 lb 5 oz zit!

Why didn't anyone warn me about this little side effect of Lupron and bc pills? I woke up Saturday morning with the biggest zit on my chin - it greeted me in the mirror and said "Good morning, Suzanne. I'd like pancakes for breakfast".

So, other than my new found friend, the Lupron shots are going fine. I've been pretty tired the last few days and very, very bloated (not sure if that's another side effect or just AF on the way? She's supposed to arrive tomorrow). If all goes according to plan, we should start the stims on Friday. I can hardly wait to see what they have in store for me!

Shots Schmots

2 shots down and oh, 50 to go?

I did the first shot myself and then my hubby, T wanted to practice so he did the one yesterday. Somehow he is equating the shots to playing darts - he had a very sporty stance when he stuck it in. Bullseye!

He's still very anxious about the IM shots so I'm hoping the more he practices, the better he'll be. No problems so far except I feel a little more tired than usual - like having to take a nap 3 hours after I wake up. T & I also started Doxycycline on Friday - great timing. It's Memorial Day weekend, beautiful weather and I'm on an antibiotic that says I can't be in the sun! Isn't it bad enough that I can't enjoy a beer?! :) I'm not really sure of the reason for the antibiotic except they are trying to get rid of any lurking bacteria and infection. I just picture these little men dressed like the Hamburglar running and hiding behind different organs, trying to remain undetected. Robble Robble.

We went to my brother-in-law's house yesterday for a cookout and their next door neighbors came over. They always give me hope. A & S had twin boys via IVF about 3 years ago and she's now pregnant again after another IVF cycle - another boy. They didn't use the same RE as me but a success story is a success story! I was asking if she had any side effects from any of the shots and she said that none of them were really a big deal. She also seems like the type of person that could have her hand cut off and not think a thing of it. She's just one of those "tough" people. I tend to think of myself as one of those people too so I'll just suck it up.

Getting Ready For Shot Numero Uno

Tomorrow is my first shot of Lupron. I'm actually excited - is that weird? My husband and I attended our injection class yesterday and there weren't any real surprises. I'm glad we took it so close to my first shot so the info is still fresh. I think my hubby is still a little nervous about the IM shots but he'll get over it.

Here's my protocol:

May 23rd - start Lupron
May 30th - expect to start Gonal-F and Menopur
June 10th - estimated egg retrieval
June 13-15 - estimated egg transfer
June 29th-ish - Pregnant?

I'm trying to remain cautiously optimistic. Part of me is very hopeful because I was just pregnant 6 months ago so we know things work - I just had bad plumbing. On the other hand, the whole process is SO dependent upon everything being perfect and that makes me cautiously realistic. Don't get me wrong - I'm not stressing or anxious - just thoroughly evaluating the situation and trying to prepare for the best or worst.

Humble Pie Tastes Much Better With A Side of Humility

I’m a jerk. Have you ever had one of those moments when you felt like the smallest form of life? I mean, like the crud on the bottom of a shoe or the microscopic organism that lives on the back of a flea? Yeah, that small.

We’ve had an outbreak of pregnancies at work over the last 9 months and as I walk through the hallways, I try not to scowl at these newly-pregnant mommies but I can’t help but say an expletive or two under my breath. In the last 6 months, I have literally been surrounded by new babies – to the right of my desk, in the same cube, is a new daddy with a 3-month old and to the left, just over the “privacy” wall, is a new mommy expecting (natural) twins in November. I’ve tried to curtail my comments (“Hey! Let’s get to work – no one wants to hear about how precious your child is when he throws up”) and sit quietly at my desk while the entire office swoons at the latest photos or ultrasound pictures.

So, here comes my lesson. I overheard the daddy talking to a co-worker about his wife recently obtaining her masters degree. I knew she was in the medical field so when I heard him mention his wife trying to find a new job and the fertility clinic that I’ve been using, I thought I should offer my opinion (completely unsolicited, of course). He then tells me they are quite familiar with this fine fertility establishment because they also used them to get pregnant.

W-H-A-T?!

I suddenly felt 2 inches tall. Here I’ve been thinking about how easy it is for some people to make a baby (and making the "bitter beer" face at the very mention of junior) and they went through exactly what I’m going through.

So, I have been humbled. Judge not, lest you be judged (or something like that).

What's In A Name?

As I've started to share my blog with family and friends, I've received a few questions about the name of my blog. To me, it was a fairly simple decision because it defines everything that I feel about trying to get pregnant.

Growing up, we learn about the birds and bees and how babies are made and then, in middle or high school, we learned about contraceptives and how NOT to get pregnant. So, being the responsible young person that I was, I went on the pill right after my first experience with sex and stayed on it for 10 years. All the while thinking I was being responsible by protecting myself from an unwanted pregnancy. Isn't THAT ironic? I took BC pills for 10 years, wasted $20/month, every month, for 10 years and didn't even need them. Imagine what I could've done with that money...

So, conception can be deceiving because you never know if you are OK until it's time to start trying - which, to me, was a hard pill to swallow (no pun intended).

I've been tagged...

Wendy has asked me to answer a few questions so here's a little bit of info on me. Enjoy!

4 things I did 10 years ago

1. Moved in with my boyfriend (now husband). Who says you can't get the cow for free?!
2. Was still working retail (I have since come to my senses)
3. Got closer to my sister
4. Bought my first puppy and kitten (within 1 month of each other)

4 things I did 5 years ago

1. Started dropping BIG TIME hints that it was time to get married
2. Attended a friend's wedding who we NEVER thought would get married
3. Supported a friend who was starting IVF (it was successful!)
4. Can't think of anything else... that's sad.

4 things I did yesterday

1. Learned that I'm getting a promotion at work
2. Complained about my boobs being horrendously sore from the BC pills
3. Walked my dogs (yes, that is plural... we got another one in 1999)
4. Wrote a letter to my brother

4 shows I love to watch

1. House
2. CSI (the original)
3. Pretty much anything on FoodTV (I like to cook...)
4. Should I admit this? OK... American Idol.

4 things that make me happy

1. Writing
2. Spending time with my nieces
3. Funny movies
4. My husband (oh, should I have ranked those?)

Moving Along...

We're moving along with our first IVF cycle. Meds have been received (after a very painful $3,400 bill) and I had my mock embryo transfer earlier this week. Doctor said my lining is smooth and my ovaries look good - she doesn't anticipate any problems during the real transfer. Finally, some good news. I'm starting to think to myself that maybe, just maybe, the first cycle will work?

I, like many other women struggling with infertility, had a difficult time dealing with Mother's Day. As I mentioned earlier, my sister is 9 months pregnant and due within the next 2 weeks. I'm totally supportive of her and can't wait to meet my new niece but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that a part of me is so damn jealous. If my pregnancy wasn't ectopic, I'd be right there with her. To make matters worse, my mother can't stop gushing over her. My sister is the baby of the family and for some reason, that comes with its own set of unwritten free passes (why is that?). As a middle child, I have learned to accept that. But, you'd think my mom would have enough sense to think how all of that gushing affects me. Because you know, it IS all about me. So, a day to celebrate MY mom turned in to a day of celebrating the FUTURE mom and it sucked.

I know, I know. You weren't invited to this pity party. I am thankful that I have my health and that we had the means to proceed with IVF. I would never be able to say anything to my mom because I really don't think she is even aware. So, thanks for letting me vent.

Tick, tick, tick...

Today is CD2 which means I'll start the bcp tomorrow. I've been waiting for this day for 6 months and not feeling anything like I thought I would. I woke up this morning - it wasn't one of those lazy, stretch it out, it's a Sunday morning wake-ups but, one of those sit straight up in bed "how in the hell did I get to be 38?" wake ups. What if this cycle doesn't work? What if they tell me I'll have to use donor eggs if I don't get pregnant this year? Part of me knows that I'm being a little bit ridiculous and for the love of god, we haven't started anything yet! But, what if the ectopic was the closest to pregnancy I'm going to get?

I went off birth control pills when I turned 30 and we've had unprotected sex for 7 years. 2 years ago, an HSG showed that both of my tubes were partially blocked. So, no use for Clomid and surgery wasn't a possibility. At the time, I wasn't sure if in vitro was for us. It's so damn expensive and my insurance didn't cover it and quite frankly, I didn't know if I wanted to go through it. Now, at (just barely) 38 years of age, it's the only thing I can think about. My time is limited and all I can hear is "tick....tick....tick".

The Pooh Before The Poo

I mentioned in my earlier post that my sister was also pregnant. Being the good aunt that I'm trying to be, I offered to paint a mural in the nursery. Keep in mind my brother-in-law (her husband) is particularly particular when it comes to painting and well, anything that can be classified as "crafty". When he found out what I offered to do, he gave the typical "Eh" response and then very matter of factly said, "If it sucks, we can paint over it". Great ego booster, huh? So, I gathered up my pencil (with the largest eraser you've EVER seen) and meekly walked in to the nursery to create my disaster. I mean, masterpiece.

I'm rather pleased with the way it turned out and I even got a smile out of my brother-in-law!

This Is Me

My name is Suzanne and this is the first time I've ever blogged. I'm 38 years old and have been trying to get pregnant for 7 years. I've been through the whole round of tests that are always ordered whenever a "problem" is suspected. An HSG determined both of my tubes were partially blocked. I was also diagnosed with hypothyroidism. The hardest thing, for me at least, was dealing with the idea of infertility. Isn't it a cruel joke that most women find out they can't have children when they've decided it's actually time to have them? We go through life thinking and dreaming about getting married and creating this perfect little family. We finally find the person that we actually want to have kids with and then, bam! We can't. No warning, no explanation. Just can't.

I had finally started to accept that children might not be in God's plan for me - maybe I was going to be a horrible mother and this was a sign? I found myself being happy for other women when they were pregnant and all of the jealousy, self-pity, anger, frustration (I have a million more adjectives...) had disappeared. And then, a bombshell. I was pregnant. And, ironically, my sister was also pregnant and only 19 days ahead of me!

I like to refer to this next period of my life as "Shock and Awe". No...one bomb wasn't enough. I had to have 30 chucked at me. The pregnancy was ectopic and to make a long story short, I ended up losing my left tube after major surgery. Now, I have a c-section scar to remind me that I don't have a baby. That was expected but the scar it left on my heart and in my head was much deeper and a little more unexpected. All of this happened 6 months ago so I think I'm probably still grieving and trying to find the "why" in it all. If I were allowed to sit in my bedroom and not leave the house, I'd probably be OK by now. But no, I have to deal with the rest of the world and ALL of the pregnant people that keep following me! I swear, every time I turn around, there's a pregnant person. It reminds me of a scene from some zombie movie - I just can't get away from them!

If anything good came out of my experience, it is the realization that I really do want to have kids. My husband and I just got cleared to begin our first in vitro cycle and I expect to start the bcp next week. This blog will chronicle my experiences (I'm putting it all out there girls!) in the hopes of helping someone else just like me.