SplotchFest 2008

I'm happy to report that my damn Presentation Skills workshop is over. It's a good thing because I was about 1 exercise away from chucking the instructor out the window. Seriously.

I am also very happy to know that others share the same affliction as me - The Splotch.

Perhaps we should start our own support group?

But, we'd have to be careful because too much impromptu interaction between members could throw the entire group in to an ugly, splotchy, beet-red spiral. We'd basically just have to sit there and stare at each other in silence.

I'm fairly certain that if you were take my blood pressure at any given point during the workshop, an ambulance would have been called and they would have broken out those electronic paddle things. Yeah, it was that bad.

But, alas, it is over and I will never, ever have to actually implement any of the things that my company just spent $30,000 on.

In other news, I have my first FET-related appointment in the morning. I'm not quite sure what its purpose is though. My protocol says "Premed Evaluation". I don't know if that's blood work, U/S, or both? Or maybe neither? Guess I should've asked, huh?

I took my last bcp on Tuesday and I'm still waiting for AF to get off her lazy ass. I'm sure I'll have some action going on by the weekend.

If all goes well at the appointment, I should be receiving my first IM shot tomorrow evening around 9 pm. Be sure to set your alarms, this is exciting stuff!

I Got The Funk

No, I haven't found George Clinton and his lost Mo Jo.

I started running a low-grade fever on Sunday and it's been averaging around 99.5 since. It's just enough to make me feel like shit. I don't really have any other symptoms so it's like a ghost virus.

Whhhoooooooooo.... (okay, that came across more like Woodsie the Owl than Casper the Ghost).

I guess I'll wait a few more days and see if it breaks. I start my first shot on Friday so I don't want anything funky going on that could interfere.

I also have to take this stupid Executive Presentation Skills workshop tomorrow and Thursday.

Can you tell that I'm REALLY excited?

I'm hearing it's all about public speaking, receiving coaching while speaking (i.e. You just said "Um" again or "Buy some bigger pants because your big IVF ass is distracting") and then getting recorded while performing that public speaking.

Not exactly my idea of fun.

I'm not really a shy person when I'm in a small group or talking one-on-one. But, getting up in front of 20 people and getting recorded isn't exactly on my "List Of Things To Do Before I Die."

I get all........ splotchy.

Yeah, seriously.

If I start to get self-conscious or embarrased or if I get caught off-guard, I get splotchy and turn all red.

Which in turn, adds to my embarassment.

I've given tons of presentations before and most times, I'm prepared and that helps to stave off Mr. Splotchy. But, if I'm getting critiqued or if I get thrown off my speaking points, he can just come a creepin' in.

Imagine this all over my chest, neck and face. It's quite a sight.



Apparently, it runs in my family because my mom and sister also do it. I think it has something to do with blood pressure but I don't know?

On the brightside, it's only 2 days (that are being ripped out of my life).

I mean, I'm sure it will be an excellent learning experience that will provide a solid foundation in my development as a manager.

Lots of Good News Today!

First, I'm so excited that I'm busting at the seams! My blog friend "DC" at One Pink Line got her first BFP over the weekend after her 2nd IVF cycle. Please check out her blog to read how she found out - it's priceless!

I also received a call from my nurse coordinator today. While my RE would still like to see my TSH closer to 3, she doesn't feel it's anything that will interfere with my current cycle. So, we're still a go for FET! My first IM shot of Del Estrogen is Friday.

Now, this is the type of day that I'm talkin' about!

The Test Result With No Answer

I talked with my nurse coordinator today to get the results of my TSH test. It came back at 4.33. The problem is, I don't know if that's good or bad.

My last test in April was also around 4.0 and that was good enough for me to start IVF. During my consultation on Tuesday, my RE said she'd like to see my level closer to 3.0. I think 5.0 is considered "high normal" so I'm right smack in the middle.

So, I don't know what she's going to do. She'll either be OK with the number because it does prove that I'm regulated OR she'll recommend I talk to my endocrinologist to adjust my meds a little. If I get referred back to my endo, I'm afraid she'll delay me 30 days until I take another blood test to check my levels again. When they adjust the meds, testing is always done after 4 weeks.

My RE wasn't in the office today so I have to wait until Monday. I'm prepared to make a business case for moving forward. 4.0 was good enough to get released from my endo so it should be good enough for FET.

Always A Bridesmaid...

I think I should've been the star of "27 dresses". Except in my version, it would be a closet full of pregnant women. And, instead of buying them, I'd kidnap them to save infertile women from dealing with their crap.

Yes, of course I'd let them go if they went in to labor. Geez, what kind of person do you think I am?!

To get back to my point, the neverending cycle of hearing about other people getting pregnant continues. Remember in my last post how I celebrated that all of the pregnant women were now gone from the office? Well, that lasted, what? 2 days? Phew -- what a break that was!

I found out today that yet another girl is expecting in the office. You'd think I worked in the Pentagon with 5,000 employees. How can there possibly be SO many pregnant people in such a small space?! We have 85 people in the office for crying out loud and 1/2 of them are men!

So, new mommy has been puking her guts out every day. Awwwwww. I'm SO sorry. She also thinks she's hiding her misery by going in to the last stall.

Um. I hate to be the one to break this to you but, we can ALL hear you. Every last disgusting hurl. The last stall doesn't have sound proof walls. So, when you come out to wash your hands and you THINK you just had a private moment, you might as well just come clean. You aren't fooling anyone.

She's the ripe old age of 24 and just got married about 3 months ago. She made it very public they'd start trying right away. Of course, it happened on the first try. Bitch.

So, I made nicey nicey talk with her and then decided I needed to de-stress so I went and got a manicure and pedicure after work. Hel-lo! My nail lady is also pregnant!

Seriously, God. Is there some sort of lesson I'm supposed to be learning here? If I'm being plain stupid, you might have to just knock me upside the head because I'm not really appreciating the subtle little hints you're leaving me. But, can you do it when it's convenient? Because I'd really hate to lose control of my car or something.

OK, I'm putting my serious face on now.

I should get the results of my thyroid test tomorrow. I'm really hoping my levels are still OK. We tried so hard to get me within the normal range so I could start IVF. Part of the problem was that I developed something called Post-partum thyroiditis after the ectopic. Nice. It was the gift that keeps on giving.

Anyway, it gives the appearance that the TSH levels are higher or lower than they actually are. So, I'm hoping that I'm even more regulated after being on the medication for awhile and all of the old, worthless pregnancy symptoms are long gone and not affecting anything.

Meeting Results? I'm Not Broken.

I had my consultation with my RE this morning. It went about like I planned. I’m not broken. Phew.

She is very optimistic that IVF will work for me. With the exception of the final result, she was very pleased with the cycle and doesn’t feel we need to change anything.

I asked her about my thyroid levels and she said it would probably be a good idea to have it checked again so I’ll go for blood work this week. If it’s normal, we’ll proceed with my current FET schedule. If it’s elevated, she’ll send me back to my endocrinologist for medication adjustment. That leaves the potential to get delayed 30 days. That’s what I get for opening my mouth. Had I not asked, we probably wouldn’t have discussed it at all. Oh well, better to be safe than sorry. If my levels are off, I need to get it fixed.

I also asked about my lining and she said it was around 11mm throughout the entire cycle. Anything over 8 mm is good so that’s definitely not a worry.

She gave me more info on our frozen blasts as well. All 3 were graded as Level 1. I knew 2 were frozen the day of my transfer. The 3rd was frozen the next day and had hatched so that’s even better news! She said, on average, they experience an 85-90% thaw rate so that’s better than I expected. I told her I was expecting one to arrest during thaw and she acted like we have a good chance of ending up with all 3 as viable embryos. We agreed to thaw all 3 and we’ll put back 3 if we can. Might as well increase our odds. My husband’s reaction? “So we just went from potentially having twins to having triplets?!”. Oh, you poor, poor man.

"I'm A Loser" Meeting Tomorrow

My post-IVF (a.k.a "I'm A Loser, Please Help Me") consultation is tomorrow morning. I'm not really sure what to expect but I think it will go something like this:

Me: So, what happened?

Dr: I dunno

Me: Well, do you think we should change my protocol next time?

Dr: (scratching head): I dunno

Me: I wrote down some concerns that I have:
- Is my egg quality OK?
- Should we check my thyroid levels during the stim phase to make sure my levels aren't out of whack?
- Do you have any concerns about my lining? My period wasn't that heavy after the cycle so I'm wondering if that means my lining wasn't thick enough?"

Dr: You aren't a doctor. You should stop overanalyzing everything.

I'm not trying to make my doctor sound stupid because I really do like her. I'm just not expecting to get a lot of answers because I don't think she'll have any. I think she'll be scratching her head along with me. The questions that I listed above are actual things I'm wondering - mostly my thyroid levels and the lining.

I had to get cleared by my endocrinologist before I could start the cycle. If my FSH levels get too high (meaning my medication is too low), I have an increased risk of miscarriage. We never checked my levels during the cycle so I'm not sure if the stims affected anything or not.

And, I am suspecting my lining for some reason. Everything I read on-line said AF was pure hell after a failed cycle. Mine barely came for a visit and lasted about the same as a normal cycle. It seems like it should've been super duper if the lining was thick, right?


Completely off the subject - where is everyone?!

2 for the Non-Pooping Section, Please

My husband & I went out to dinner last night. This seems to be happening more and more. I think the bc pills are erasing my memory because I can't seem to remember where the kitchen is?

So, we're sitting in the booth section of the bar. This is still technically the smoking section but for some reason, the smokers don't like to sit there so it's like our own private, reserved non-smoking seating. It makes us feel special.

We're getting ready to dive in to a huge plate of wings and I overhear a conversation that is happening over my husband's shoulder. It's a group of guys, mostly in their 30's or 40's, I would say. Clearly, they were doing one of two things: either stopping to have a beer after a long day of working outside OR they were hiding from their miserable wives at home. I'm not sure which. Perhaps their wives are miserable because they work outside? They looked pretty stinky.

Anyway, one of the guys starts talking about one of his kids. Normally, this wouldn't really catch my attention but here's what I heard:

Guy with 80's ponytail (a.k.a Daddy): "My son would eat all day long if you let him. We give him a bottle and he just goes to town on it"

Normal so far, right? OK, keep reading.

Daddy - "I had to change his diaper the other day and it had 10 pounds of poop in it"

Did I say we were getting ready to eat? Ew!

So, this is the point in the conversation where the other guys perk up and join in. They talked about dirty diapers and poop for 10 minutes. I shit you not (ok, that pun was on purpose).

My first thought? Maybe if you didn't let your kid eat the entire McDonald's menu, he wouldn't have poop the size of a brontosaurus.

And, what is it with guys and poop? They are the only people I know who get absolutely fascinated with this subject. I just don't get it. And, really, I don't want to get it, I won't attempt to get it and I certainly won't go searching for it.

The Boobs Are Back In Town

Good God. I thought I was going to get a break from Super Boobies. Beginning with the bc pills and for my entire last IVF cycle, right up until I got AF, my boobs were super big and super sore. I got about a one week break and now they're back.

Son of a...

I even caught my own attention when I passed by a window today.

To make matters worse, my friend Senor Zit (sorry, I don't know how to make that fancy little sqiggly line to make that word authentically Mexican) is also back. You may remember he made an appearance during the last bc pill round. It's so nice to know he likes to join in on the festivities each month. Ole!

One good thing did happen today. Remember "Mommy with twins who sits next to me at work"? Hey, that almost sounds like an Indian name. Perhaps I could be "Barren Uterus That Rejects All Embryos"?

Anyway, today was her last day in the office. So, that officially ends the super fantastic baby boom that has haunted me for the last 9 months. No more daily reminders of my failure because all pregnant ladies have officially been banished from the office. Hmmmm... that sounds like a good suggestion for our office standards. All pregnant ladies are not allowed to report to work once they start showing. I like it!

Oh, and did you get my musical pun? The Boobs are Back in Town. Get it? Instead of boys, I said boobs. I just crack myself up sometimes.

Public or Private?

I found myself in a strange position today. First, let me back up. During our first IVF cycle, I pretty much told anyone that would listen about every follicle, shot and the overall state of my uterus. I was so excited about the whole thing and felt like I needed to give play by play reports.

"Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to WIVF! We're currently in Suzanne's uterus and at the moment, we see 12... No, wait! 13, yes! 13 growing follicles. Oh no! Her butt is protesting against the last progesterone shot. It's not a pretty site, folks"

So, with this next FET cycle, I decided I might need to tone it down a bit. Ya think?!

That brings me to today. My department manager sent out an email asking for everyone's availability because she wants to plan an outing for the leadership team. Apparently, this is a summertime tradition and I'm the rookie. She specifically mentions leaving the afternoon of 8/14, spending the night and coming back on 8/15.

Crap. One quick check in my mental rolodex and the 15th is my estimated transfer date.

I send an email back to her, trying to adhere to my "zip it" rule.

"I have tentatively scheduled a PTO day on the 15th for a minor medical procedure".

There, that's cryptic enough, right? That should get her off my back for sure!

Nope. She responds with more questions. "When will you know if you need that day off?".

Shit. I sat there for a good 10 minutes, trying to think of some other witty and generic response.

Finally, I decided to just let her know what was going on. Luckily, she knew about the ectopic and the resulting surgery in October. Because, I was like, out of work for 6 weeks. So, she kind of had to know because it would've been pretty obvious with the empty desk and all.

I didn't think it would be an awkward conversation but it kinda was. I'm not sure if it was just me though. I literally just got promoted to the Unit Manager position 2 weeks ago so part of me was paranoid - like me getting pregnant would screw up the entire regional management team? Uh, not really.

So, hopefully I haven't sabotaged my entire professional career because I divulged my desire to procreate.

She was still waiting on the other managers' responses so I might get lucky and she'll have to re-schedule. If not, I think I can still go down the day of the 14th and then just drive back early evening.

But, this brings me to another dilemma. I neglected to mention this "outing" is mostly just hanging out in her lake house, driving around on her boat and oh yeah... drinking. Let me preface this by saying that I am known to drink occasionally. OK, I went to West Virginia University. Enough said.

If I only go down for the day, I can play the "I'm driving" card and probably get away with it. If she re-schedules and I have to spend the night, I'm screwed. I could just say "Female problems". That always tends to shut people up. Anyone have any other really, really good excuses for not drinking?

Breaking News

OK, is anyone else annoyed by this?

I was watching E! today and in the middle of the show, they switched to a "news caster" with Breaking News! So, I'm thinking, "Oh my God! This MUST be something really, really important!" I mean, they interrupted a show right in the middle for crying out loud!

So, I'm listening intently expecting them to announce something that could possibly change life as we know it...

"We interrupt with this breaking news. E! Television has confirmed Angelina Jolie has indeed given birth to twins in France".

Oh my God!

THAT is your breaking news?! OK, so I know I was watching E! and their whole niche is celebrity gossip and other crap that we shouldn't even care out. I mean, really? Why do we listen to what these celebrities have to say any more than anyone else? Just because they make millions of dollars, it doesn't make them any smarter than you or I. Actually, most of them don't even have college degrees so WE are in fact smarter than most of them.

So, Angelina Jolie gave birth to twins. Big fucking deal. What about the other women who gave birth today? Where's their announcement to the public?

And, here's another thing. These celebrities are giving birth to twins and I don't hear one of them admitting to doing IVF. I suppose it's possible for some of them to conceive twins naturally but who are they kidding? These celebrities are in their 30's and it's pretty apparent they did IVF. Why not just admit that you are "damaged" just like the millions of other women who have been trying for years?

That concludes my Sunday evening rant. We now return to regularly scheduled programming.

Personal and Confidential

I received my meds for the FET cycle today. Normally, this would be a relatively uneventful process except the pharmacy requires a signature so I had no choice but to have them delivered to my office.

Around 10:30, our mailroom guy brings me a large FedEx box and gives me the one-eyed Popeye as he drops it on my desk. You know... like this:



It's one of those looks where the person thinks they know what's going on and they seem so smug because they have figured out your secret.

I think it's a little weird but he's a little weird anyway.

I turn the box over and then I see it.

PERSONAL AND CONFIDENTIAL.

There it is in BIG BOLD RED LETTERS!

So much for discretion. He couldn't have possibly figured out it was medication for infertility. I think he thinks I ordered some adult toys!

Bomp chicka wow wow!

But, seriously. Now this guy thinks I get all freaky deaky in the bedroom. And, I can't just walk up to him and explain what the box really was. Because THAT story is SO much better.

"Um, excuse me. I think we have a misunderstanding. I know you think that I ordered some [ahem] adult doo-dads but I didn't. It was really 500 syringes and enough hormones to get every women pregnant in the DC Metro area".

Yeah, that conversation is much better.

So, I hope you'll excuse me while I go get busy with my dirty little syringes.

FET Protocol

Got my protocol today! No action during the month of July except birth control pills. The real fun begins August 1st!

* Del Estrogen - 0.2 ml every 3rd evening beginning 8/01. And, yippee! It's an IM shot!
* PIO - 1 ml every evening (estimated start 8/11 but depends on lining). And, yippee! It's another IM shot!

I'll continue both of these until the pregnancy test. Estimated FET is 8/15. I can already picture the excitement on T's face when he gets to jab me twice in the bum! Maybe I won't have to buy those butt enhancement pants after all - I'll have enough swelling from the damn shots!

I'm a little more excited now that I have the schedule but I'm looking at a possible scheduling conflict. We leave for the beach on 8/24 and I'm guessing they'll try to schedule the beta for sometime that week. They'll have to do it before the 24th or when I get back on the 1st - I'm putting my foot down. On the bright side, I might get to make a spectacular announcement while we're at the beach if I get a positive HPT. We decided to keep this cycle quiet so only my sister knows (I tell her everything). I felt horrible because so many people were disappointed (my mom cried) and quite frankly, I got tired of answering the same questions when I had to relay the news. "What happened?" "When can you try again?" "Why is your uterus so old and stubborn?" "Are you really a horrible person who is being denied the one pleasure that every woman wants?" OK, so the last 2 didn't actually get asked but I know people were secretly thinking them!

Pink Rose Award

My friend Wendy (Our Story: A Blog About Infertility, In Vitro and Adoption) has nominated me for the Pink Rose Award. She is actually the reason I started blogging. I was getting ready for my first IVF cycle and doing some on-line research when I came across her blog. I was immediately sucked in and got so caught up in her story. Wendy - you are truly an inspiration and I so admire your strength, courage and honesty.

I would like to nominate the following women:

1. TTCinDC (One Pink Line) - DC has just started her second IVF cycle after a BFN about a month ago. She is tenacious, supportive and has a great sense of humor.

2. I would also like to nominate Brenda (No Regrets). She is always the first person to offer advice or words of encouragement. She just completed her 2nd IVF transfer and we're all hoping this is the one! Go Jar-Jar!

Here's the rules:

1. On your blog, copy and paste the award, these rules, a link back to the person who selected you, and a link to this post: http://smartone.typepad.com/smartone/2008/05/pink-is-my-favo.html. You will find the story behind the Pink Rose Award and other graphics to choose from there.
2. Select as many award recipients as you would like, link to their blogs (if they have one), and explain why you have chosen them.
3. Let them know that you have selected them for an award by commenting on one of their posts.
4. If you are selected, pass it on by giving the Pink Rose Award to others.
5. If you find that someone you want to nominate has already been selected by someone else, you can still honor them by posting a comment on their award post stating your reasons for wishing to grant them the award.
6. You do not have to wait until someone nominates you to nominate someone else.

It's Go Time!

Got a call from my nurse coordinator this morning - my RE has given the green light to start the FET cycle. I start the bc pills tomorrow night. My coordinator is putting together my protocol. I've been trying to look on-line to see if I can find any sample protocols and can't really seem to find anything. I think the beginning part is just like a regular IVF cycle - bc pills for 21 days, start Lupron on Day 19 of pills. I just don't know the timeframe for transfer. I know I start the estrace at some point and they do the transfer when the lining is ready. After transfer, it's just like a normal cycle again with the estrace and PIO shots. Normally, I wouldn't be concerned about the timing but we are going to the Outer Banks in NC the last week in August and if I'm calculating correctly, my beta is supposed to be that week. I'm sure they can work around that, right? Maybe do the beta a few days early or worst case, when I get back? I'm sure I'm worrying too much.

While I'm excited to be moving forward, I am very aware of several things with a FET cycle. First, even though we have 3 blasts frozen, there's no guarantee they'll all make it out of thaw. Actually, I read that a more realistic estimate is that only 50% make it. So, we could be left with only one embryo. The 2nd major point is that my chances of getting pregnant drop about 10%; although I'm not a firm believer in statistics any more because I was supposed to have a 65% chance of getting pregnant when we put 2 blasts back last time. The same site that talked about the thaw also said one can expect about a 10-20% success rate for each frozen embryo put back. So, if all 3 make it, I'd have about a 45-ish% chance and if only one makes it, it's not looking so good. I know, I know... it only takes one.

At any rate, we have the 3 and we have to do something with them so I guess now is as good a time as any. If the FET fails, we can still turn around and do a fresh cycle before year-end. I can also see 2 positives: our financial expense with the FET is pretty minimal - the procedure itself is covered by my insurance and the meds are covered by my prescription plan. Second, the FET cycle will give my beaten up ovaries a chance to relax before I subject them to super stimulation again.

I'm still really anxious to have the consultation with Dr. B. on the 22nd; although I suspect she'll probably be scratching her head just like I was. If anything, they might monitor me a little more closely and that can't do anything but help.

The 8 Phases of Grief

I think we all know the 8 phases of grief but I think it especially applies to a failed IVF cycle:

Shock - "Stupid CVS brand HPT. Why are you broken?"

Denial - "It's too early. I'll test again every day so I can drive myself crazy"

Bargaining - "Please, please, please be positive. I'll be your best friend?"

Guilt - "My uterus hates me. My embryos hate me. Hell, the whole world hates me".

Anger - "What the f*ck?! Why the hell isn't this test positive yet?

And, you... Yeah you, you stupid pregnant lady! Go home and lay in bed. You shouldn't even be out of the house".

Depression - "I'm never going to be a mother. I'm such a loser. Everyone is pregnant but me. I'm such a loser that I probably even screwed up taking the HPT"

Vagina Shopping - OK, so I made this one up but my sister and I believe it should be added. She had a miscarriage about 18 months ago and you guys know about me. After both "incidents", we both went on shopping sprees. She bought a puppy and tons of Xmas presents for everyone. I bought a new surround sound system (I don't know, I like electronics....) and enough clothes to dress 3 military branches.

Acceptance and Hope - I am convinced the aforementioned step is solely responsible for this last phase. I mean, really? I look great and my DVDs sound awesome!

I'm OK

First, thank you to everyone for your thoughts and words of encouragement. I'm OK, really. I had my cry last weekend when I accepted it was going to be negative and now I'm just planning for the next cycle.

I asked my nurse coordinator yesterday when I could get started again and she said to call on Day 1 as she thought my doctor would let me go ahead and start the bcp. It looks like as soon as tomorrow could be Day One. I'm spotting a little today and might have full on AF by tonight. I have my post-IVF consultation with the doctor on July 22nd. For right now, we're leaning toward a frozen transfer next unless the doctor recommends another fresh cycle. I'm open to either option.

My husband and I are still very disappointed this first cycle didn't work and I hope no one takes offense to my next comments. The feelings caused by this failed cycle are no where close to the feelings I experienced after the ectopic. I was actually pregnant and the only thing wrong was that it implanted in the wrong place. There was a heartbeat and it was growing. The feelings of loss and guilt were overwhelming. I had it and it was taken away. With the IVF cycle, I never had "it" so I sort of feel like I didn't lose anything. I don't know if that makes sense? I certainly don't mean to discount how women are feeling after a failed cycle. I do understand the feelings of frustration and disappointment. It took 7 years of negative pregnancy tests before the ectopic so I know how it feels to never see a positive. To me, after going through what I did 9 months ago, seeing another negative just doesn't compare.

I hope everyone has a safe and happy 4th of July. Let's have fun today and try not to think about IF, OK?

Beta Results

Why Don't You Just Kill Me?

There's a phenomenon in my office. Somehow my desk has gained magnetic powers and attracts every pregnant woman or baby within 50 miles. For some reason, they always seem to congregate right in front of my desk. Here's how today unfolded:

A lady who used to work in our office came back to visit and popped in to say hello to everyone. She used to be the manager of one of the girls who sits right next to me - and oh yeah, this next door neighbor just happens to be pregnant with twins. So, mommy comes out of her cube and meets her old manager in front of my desk.

Mommy - "Hi Old Manager! How have you been?"

Old Manager - "OH. MY. GOD! Look at yewwwwwwww!"

I'm pretty sure every dog in the neighborhood heard her because her voice hit notes that I've never heard before.

Mommy - "Yeah, I'm pregnant. With twins."

The whole time she's rubbing her belly like those damn pregnant whores do.

OM - "You are sooooooooooooooooooooo adorable!"

Me - "GO AWAY!"

Mommy - "Yeah, it's been tough. Blah blah blah, whine, whine, whine"

Other Co-Worker who has to join conversation - "Isn't mommy so cute? She looks like she has a basketball under her cute little shirt"

Me - "GO THE HELL AWAY"

OM - "So, have you started your registry yet? With twins, I'm sure that will take the whole 9 months!"

All laugh hysterically like it's the funniest thing they've ever heard.

Mommy - "Well, it took me about 3 days and it was sooooooooooo hard. But I go on bedrest in 2 weeks and then I can just shop on-line"

I perk up.

Me - "What?! Bedrest? You mean I won't have to listen to you whine anymore?"

So, anyway, this goes on for a good 15 minutes. And, in the meantime, 2 other co-workers come out of their cube and join in the conversation. Did I mention this happened all in front of MY desk? The one lady in the whole entire office who can't get pregnant?

And, I debated on whether I should admit this but I will...

I bought some more HPTs and 11dp5dt still = BFN. I wasn't really expecting a different result. I bought some again because I wanted to test the morning of my beta as a step of final preparation for myself. I think I'm already there anyway. I've accepted that it didn't work and now I'm just ready to move on. I'm still really pissed that I have to keep doing these PIO shots until Thursday. I'm tempted to make the decision and stop them myself. I mean, really. What's the point?

*******************************************

OK, so I wasn't kidding. I might be making a mistake but I doubt it. I'm skipping my PIO shot tonight. I'm officially declaring this cycle OVER!